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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect school to refer to him as Dad?

78 replies

spottyblancmange · 30/06/2012 18:01

Name-changed for this because if someone knows me IRL, it's probably going to be obvious! Going to be a bit long because I don't want to drip feed.

Background - DD (8) has never known her biological father, no contact attempts from him ever, he's just not interested. DH has been around since DD was a few months old, he's always been Dad to her. DH adopted her officially (with biological fathers consent), and that was completed last month. DD changed schools a couple of months ago, so we informed them about the adoption process because we thought it was best they knew. She will have the same class teacher next year because it's a small village school and each class is two years, if that makes sense.

However, the new teacher is insisting on referring to him as "your step-dad". I did initially presume she was doing it to avoid causing offence, so I approached her and explained the situation, but nothing has changed. DD says Teacher has even corrected her when she's said something like "My Dad supports Newcastle".

So I genuinely don't know. Am I being a bit precious about this? It was never a problem at her previous school despite the adoption not having happened at that point. If it wasn't upsetting DD we'd let it go, but it is really bothering her, she came home in tears from making Fathers day cards the other week.

AIBU to expect them to respect that he's her Dad? And if I'm not, has anyone got any suggestions for what I should do? Approach class teacher again, write a letter to her or speak to the head?

OP posts:
fluffygal · 30/06/2012 18:44

That is awful. Sounds like the teacher is bringing in her own issues! My stepsons teacher calls me mum, as that is what he calls me, he knows no other mother and hasn't since he was 15 months old. I don't think they would even question it, and I have not adopted them. If my school or anyone for that matter tried to get them to call me anything else that they hadn't chosen to, I would be right in there putting my foot down. You have to talk to the school.

47to31in7days · 30/06/2012 18:51

He is the adoptive father. If it causes upset to make the distinction then teacher should just say dad, but in other contexts (away from the child) I support distinguishing natural and adoptive fathers. It doesn't matter that they have legal responsibility. Not every conversation is about a point of law.

CaliforniaLeaving · 30/06/2012 18:56

Why would you distinguish between natural and adoptive parents? That can be hurtful to the child and the parents (who are legally the actual parents no matter how the adoption came about) Adoption is the child's own private story to be shared only as and when they they want. Making the distinction to a child or parent maybe in earshot of others who don't know is rude and none of anyone elses business.
If a child calls the man in their life Dad, then so be it. The teacher knows he is now her legal Dad and shouldn't be correcting her. I'd go in and ask her to stop before taking it any further.

exoticfruits · 30/06/2012 18:57

YANBU. My DS calls his step father -'my dad' and he is not adopted. Likewise my DCs call their sibling 'my brother' and I don't expect anyone to correct them to 'half-brother'. As a teacher I would say it is very odd-I take my lead from the DC.

queenofthepirates · 30/06/2012 19:00

Oddly enough I had the opposite problem when I worked in Japan. My co workers called my step mum, my mum and no amount of correcting would dissuade them! When my biological mum and step dad visited a month later, the same thing. I wonder if my co workers and the pupils I taught, thought I had two mums and two dads....

For the record, I believe in Japan, there's no concept of a step parent, they are just your mum or dad because they are your carers regardless of biology.

ancienthistrionics · 30/06/2012 19:05

47to31in7days "I support distinguishing natural and adoptive fathers"

Why?

Our son is donor-conceived, what name for his dad would you support Hmm

Rubirosa · 30/06/2012 19:07

How offensive to adopted children and parents 47to31!

Birdsgottafly · 30/06/2012 19:09

The term is biological, not natural, if you want to be twatty about it.

"but in other contexts (away from the child)"

A teacher or any other professional could not make the distinction because being adopted removes PR from the biological parent, so there would be no need to acknowledge any one else, in regards to being a parent.

ToxicMoxie · 30/06/2012 19:11

47 you are perfectly within your right to do that, but in my experience folks who make such distinctions often use that to distance themselves from the relationship, whether the child or parent. I've seen a number of 'adoptive' parents feel justified in "giving back" kids they adopted because they don't live up to expectations. It doesn't lead to a settled relationship.

But I'm guessing you were not adopted (as I was not) so can't really understand why that would be so divisive.

TalkinPeace2 · 30/06/2012 19:15

YANBU

I'd have had a fit if the school did that.
I was NOT legally adopted by my stepdad because I'm still in touch with my dad but he's had no part in my upbringing
so for day to day usage, "my parents" "my mum and dad" "my brothers and sisters" were the correct form
and the details of step and half were only brought in where needed

tell the teacher to stop interfering in what is NONE of her business.

how would she cope with a family that had mum and mum or dad and dad !

MrsChemist · 30/06/2012 19:17

47, if someone made the distinction with my parents, I'd struggle not to smack them in the mouth.

It's a difference that does not warrant highlighting.

YANBU OP.

dearprudence · 30/06/2012 19:19

YADNBU.

ancienthistrionics · 30/06/2012 19:22

I really hate it when often in the media they refer to couples 'with their two adopted children' or some such nonsense, so unnecessary, they are their children ffs.

TeacupTempest · 30/06/2012 19:28

47 I was adopted as a baby. What should I call my parents? Yabu

ancienthistrionics · 30/06/2012 19:31

Teacup, it's easy, 'doptif daddy - teacup wanna nuvva thosage...etc. it just trips off the tongue...

Floggingmolly · 30/06/2012 19:36

Teacher is a cow. Even if he genuinely was her step-dad instead of her adoptive father your dd could still call him what she chooses.
How incredibly nasty of the teacher to correct her on this Angry

TeacupTempest · 30/06/2012 19:39

Ha! Does that work for siblings too?

JamieandTheOlympicTorch · 30/06/2012 19:39

This is very bad. The teacher is contradicting the term your DD uses, let alone the one you have asked her to use. I think a letter to the Head is in order

TheWalkingDead · 30/06/2012 19:48

OP - YANBU and definitely not being precious.

I can't see what the problem is with the teacher following your DD's lead in what she calls her father - surely as a teacher you should be a bit more tuned in to your pupils?

I have a member of my family who is in a similar situation. She decided that she wanted to be adopted and take the same name as her mum, dad and brother (who is, if you are worried about blood ties, her half brother) as he is the man who she considers to be her dad. She calls him dad and her brother is her brother - for her there are no distinctions and anyone who sees fit to point it out gets the sharp edge of her tongue.

Sorry I've babbled, but it's something I would be so angry about. How dare a teacher think it's acceptable to do this! Please complain - how your family dynamic works should be respected, especially when your daughter is so happy.

McHappyPants2012 · 30/06/2012 19:51

Yanbu he is her father.

Flobbadobs · 30/06/2012 19:53

Not precious or U at all, it's appalling that the teacher won't use the proper term for DD's Dad. A word to the HT should sort it out.

Flobbadobs · 30/06/2012 19:54

47 seems to be 'on one' today as my DS would say, best ignoring I think.

McHappyPants2012 · 30/06/2012 19:55

Also your dd is adopted by this man, if she had an adoptive mother would they be saying your adoptive mother all the time

LineRunner · 30/06/2012 19:57

I was going to say that 47's pov sounds a bit barking, but then I saw Flobbadob's post.

gamerwidow · 30/06/2012 20:04

YANBU if your DD perceives your DH to be her dad then that should be good enough for anyone. It is not important what the legal status is and it's not something that the teacher has any place to be correcting or commenting on.