To expect my Mother to be civil to stbXh for DS's sake?

[MyDogShitsMoney]

H and I separated in early December after he had a text-fling-type-of-thing when DS was 4 months old. Obviously the whole family was very upset as they got on wonderfully with H and felt very betrayed by the whole thing.

My mother is known for being a giant drama queen, always has been always will be. Unfortunately her histrionics have made the whole situation way way more difficult for me than it already was as instead of her being there for me and letting me take the lead it has, from day 1, been all about her and how distraught she is.

She still refuses to even say his name and pulls a proper cat's bum mouth at the mere mention of him or his family.

Now I've ignored this up to now, pulled her up on it if she's being too obvious and basically made it clear from day one that H is and always will be a huge part of DS's life. It has become truly exhausting.

It's DS's birthday in August so obviously I want to have a little party, nothing fancy just family and friends at my house. She has know this was my intention for over a month.

Today she asks "how are we going to stagger the arrival times?" My answer was that I wasn't intending to, it's nothing formal so was planning on just having an open door from 2ish onwards and people can come and go as they please. That way once DS goes to bed I can have a few drinks with my fiends as it's my birthday the day before his.

Turns out she is refusing to come if stbXh is going to be there.

I tried to explain that although I understand that she may find this difficult DS is more important than how any of us feel. I am not prepared for him to have to go through his whole life never having his Grandmother and Father in the same room. We are the adults and need to behave as such.

I'm not asking her to be his best friend or welcome him back into the family fold with open arms. Just be in the same room for a couple of hours and be civil for DS's sake.

Am I really being unreasonable?

op, if you want your husband back do it, it sounds to me like you are not over him and are taking it out on your mum because she loved him too. when you went to see her to tell her about the divorce did she jump up to put her arms around you and did you push her away? If she asks how you are do you tell her or do you tell her to mind her own business?
Does she ever say she loves you?
I truly do not mean to be cruel and can see I am a minority on this thread however there are two sides here, there is no reason why your son cannot have a flow of visitors all day and your ex could just use a little discretion and avoid granddma. by the way how does he feel about meeting them again after what he did?

"op, if you want your husband back do it, it sounds to me like you are not over him and are taking it out on your mum because she loved him too.'

Wtf?

Sadly she really is that selfish and absolutely would "cut off her nose". Fine, her loss, however unfortunately she wouldn't do it quietly.

If I don't find a way to nip it in the bud now every single event will be like this. She will continue to tut every single time I mention his name. She will slag him off to anyone who will listen every single opportunity she gets.

To give an example - she recently told the mother of an adult son with aggressive throat cancer that she wishes H could take his place.

So she is even able to make someone else's family tragedy about her and her feelings?
I'm surprised that she's not alienated everyone she comes across.

I'm not over him no. We were together for 12 years, I won't ever be over him.

I understand that it sounds like I'm being horrible to her, it's really hard to put how she is into words.

You are a lovely woman.
I would just put that you and xh are having the party and when to come. Nothing more.

Every time you mum starts I would just get up and wsak away. I had to do this with MIL.

I don't think you are going to find a way to nip her behaviour in the bud, now or in the future. She is utterly selfish and self absorbed and she isn't going to change. ALL you can do is do what you think is the best for you and your son and let her be how she is going to be about it. Disengage, don't care, don't make special arrangements, don't try and pre-empt her speaking to other family members etc etc. Just get on with your life.

I think that having a child forces you to grow up and also to change your relationships with your family, even in the most normal and healthy set ups, but when you have a parent like this it is even more important that you don't drag your children into the crappy dynamic.

Be prepared for your mother to continue like this, and for your relationship with her to become more distant, and for you to keep her at a distance from your son.

Luckily the lady in question cut her off with "that's the most vindictive thing I've ever heard, you'd do well to remember that's your grandson's father you're talking about".

Surprisingly no, she doesn't have many close friends.

You're right, I need to stop fighting. I have to accept that she will never change.

She will always win no matter what I do.

nope, shes already lost.....
she is the one who wont be at ds birthday party, who's daughters doesnt confide in her....
she is in danger of loosing everything.......
your son has a strong mum who puts him before everyone else....
stay strong.

You need to stop fighting her, not because she will always win, but because it doesn't matter any more whether she sees herself as winning or not. You just need to do what is right for you and your son, and how your mother chooses to act and feel about it is entirely her own responsibility and concern. Changing your arrangements to allow her to keep behaving badly is letting her win. If for example you DON'T change your plans and jump around explaining yourself to everyone, she is likely to act the martyr as you say, but that doesn't reflect on you at all and marks her out as a big old loser.

Thank you, I really hope people see it like that.

I'm sure they will - it sounds as though many people will all ready be familiar with the way she operates so it won't come as a surprise.

Op I hope the party goes well

I agree Im sure most people already have her sussed.

You are doing everything right, don't budge!

ps. I would just invite DH and tell him that your son would love him to be there. Don't go into your Mothers dramas. Just walk off if she star

You've been dragged into thinking that there will/should be 'winners' (and by implication losers) here.

But your relationship with your mother shouldn't be a competition. She has made this situation, and the only way for you to 'win' is to refuse, utterly and forever, to play.

She can't compete or win against someone who won't try to assert their will over her.

She's a grown up, albeit a very immature one. Just let her get on with her life in whatever sad way she sees fit, and don't let her actions affect yours.