To expect my Mother to be civil to stbXh for DS's sake?

[MyDogShitsMoney]

H and I separated in early December after he had a text-fling-type-of-thing when DS was 4 months old. Obviously the whole family was very upset as they got on wonderfully with H and felt very betrayed by the whole thing.

My mother is known for being a giant drama queen, always has been always will be. Unfortunately her histrionics have made the whole situation way way more difficult for me than it already was as instead of her being there for me and letting me take the lead it has, from day 1, been all about her and how distraught she is.

She still refuses to even say his name and pulls a proper cat's bum mouth at the mere mention of him or his family.

Now I've ignored this up to now, pulled her up on it if she's being too obvious and basically made it clear from day one that H is and always will be a huge part of DS's life. It has become truly exhausting.

It's DS's birthday in August so obviously I want to have a little party, nothing fancy just family and friends at my house. She has know this was my intention for over a month.

Today she asks "how are we going to stagger the arrival times?" My answer was that I wasn't intending to, it's nothing formal so was planning on just having an open door from 2ish onwards and people can come and go as they please. That way once DS goes to bed I can have a few drinks with my fiends as it's my birthday the day before his.

Turns out she is refusing to come if stbXh is going to be there.

I tried to explain that although I understand that she may find this difficult DS is more important than how any of us feel. I am not prepared for him to have to go through his whole life never having his Grandmother and Father in the same room. We are the adults and need to behave as such.

I'm not asking her to be his best friend or welcome him back into the family fold with open arms. Just be in the same room for a couple of hours and be civil for DS's sake.

Am I really being unreasonable?

Oh dear!! Gonna get splinters on my bum here from sitting on the fence!

I do feel for your mum. If someone upset my DD, I would struggle to be civil to them but you DS needs his party, preferably with all the people he cares about being there and being nice.

I think she needs telling that you need your stbxH there to help, after all he should do it as the father of the birthday boy, but if she really feels she cannot cope, then you understand why she has to stay away!!

I think you tell her you understand and it's her choice to come or not for this occasion or any other future occasion BUT YOU NEVER WANT TO HER HERE COMPLAIN OR MAKE A DRAMA OUT OF IT AGAIN.

I do understand her feelings I really do, but what I don't understand is how those feelings are more important than her grandson.

I think what I mean is where does she get the arrogance to expect special arrangements to be made just for her? If I can suck it up she bloody well can!

I think YABU. If she doesn't want to see him she doesn't have to, you can't make her. That's not to say you need to facilitate it - no way I would have 2 parties or limit exH's time at the party, but you can't make her put up with being in the same room as him. What he did, he did to you, but he also did it to her little girl (or big girl as you now are!) which must be really upsetting and of course she is going to be livid with him - if he did that to my dd no matter what age I'd be angry too. Let her get over it in her own time and her own way.

I really wish I could let her get over it in her own time but she won't. ever.

She has never, in her life, let anything drop. Every single slight, real or imagined, is worn like a badge of honour.

If I let this drop it won't go away, it will get worse and worse and worse. On the other hand that is also what will happen if I stick to my guns.

Whatever I do she gets her drama, and worst of all she gets to put DS in the middle of it.

ivykaty that is exactly what I would love to say. Unfortunately I know that the reaction would be more keening and wailing about how unfair I'm being to her and how this is all H's fault.

I think that's what I find so difficult. The hopelessness of it. I can see exactly how this is going to be for the rest of his life.

Practice rolling your eyes and saying "get over it" whilst walking off?

Does she love seeing your DS? That could work in your favour "control your dramas or we will leave/not visit".

Then every time your mother mentions him not by name

state loudly

I don't want to talk about him - get up and walk out of the room if you need to

repeat it every time he comes into conversation

I had this growing up. My Dad and stepdad hated each other and in particular I was not 'allowed' to speak about my dad or refer to him when at home. It was awful as I didn't truly understand and all it succeeded in doing was making me resent both sets of parents. Don't let this happen to your DS.

Btw a few weeks back my dad saw a picture of my DS with my stepdad and started to say 'what is HE doing with my grandson' - I immediately told him to stop it and that 'talk like that' wasn't tolerated in front of my son. My DS thinks of both as grandad and I'm not having him growing up feeling like I did and having to watch every single thing he says for fear of upsetting or angering someone.

Nip it in the bud now. Hurting your DM briefly by being honest with her (I like the idea of showing her this thread) is far better IMO than inflicting a lifetime of hurt and confusion on your poor DS who has asked for none of this and no doubt loves both his parents and grandma.

Just to add, you sound like a great mum. Well done for being mature for the sake of your DS, I'm sure it hasn't always been easy but you definitely sound like you have his best interests at heart.

OP you are right.
You are righter than a right thing in Rightsville.

Your mum is being preposterous. I agree with whoever said that you cannot force her to see him...I agree with that, you can't.

BUT seeing as she is the one with the problem here and is intent on making ructions, she is the one who has to miss out. She has made that choice herself.
Do not reward her performance with control over your family dynamic.

Behave towards her with nothing but kindness and decency, but do not back down.

No-one could ever say you did anything wrong if you remain calm and stick to your guns.

Im surprised you have anyone on here saying YABU. You are very much NOT being unreasonable!

Of course your Mum is hurt, but she can't be more hurt than you are! And if you can be civil with your ex then there is no reason why she can't. Presumably you are doing it for the sake of your child, so she should do the same.

I don't really think you have any choice but to tell her that your sons Father will be at his party, and she can either come and be civil or not come at all. This is about your son, and he will want his Dad there more than his Grandma.

My Mum found it hard to be nice to my ex when we first split, but she came round because I used to talk about good things that he had done, and I would have chosen his presence over hers every time.

"where does she get the arrogance to expect special arrangements to be made just for her?"
Narcissistic Personality Disorder?

And as for her "keening and wailing" , well perhaps that's when I would enjoy introducing her to the drama of being shown the door.

I feel for you OP. Well done for sticking up for your DS.

My sister is threatening to cut me off for the fact that I still send a Christmas card to her exH 8 years after she left him for someone else. She reckons that he's not been nice to my niece (though I'm not getting involved in that as there are 2 sides to every story) but the root of it is that she hates his guts and wishes he were dead. What an example to set to her children!

You on the other hand are a star. Keep up the good work and hold your head up high.

Thank you everyone, it really is good to hear.

I haven't been ignoring the thread, just got roped into doing a charity midnight walk so not been in!

I just wanted a party for my son. I know he won't know what's going on and I know it's just for me but I wanted a party.

We ttc for 4 years, I had a hellish pregnancy, awful birth, then H doing what he did. It's basically been the worst year of my life when it should have been the best.

I just wanted a normal, happy first

Stupid phone!

Meant to say, I just wanted a normal, happy first birthday party.

I would use the broken record technique - everything she says reply with "this is not about you".

She sounds unbelievably frustrating though, I can imagine that I'd end up shouting it by the end - perhaps not how the technique should be used...

I'd also be tempted to ask her why her feelings are more important than anyone elses. I shouldn't read AIBU in the middle of the night, it makes me too cross! I feel for you OP.

Disengage from this woman. I know she is your mother but she has clearly got you in her own mindset. Until you emotionally disengage you won't get clear of it.

You're not giving in to her dramatics by simply saying that she's welcome at the party and how she organises her attendence is entirely up to her. Your son's parents come first in his life, and both of them will be there and at every one of your family event's there after. How she works out how she is going to deal with it is up to her, and not your problem.

If she wants to make out she's a matryr etc then that's up to her. There really isn't anything you can EVER do to change the way this woman reacts other than doing everything she wants. The only thing you can do is to stop caring.

Don't judge this situation by how your own childhood went. You were affected by how your mother refused to be in the same room as your grandmother because it was your mother who did this.

Your son's parents aren't together. It is an entirely different situation for him. And there is never going to be a point where he is EVER going to say oh I can't do that because then grandmother won't be there. His dad is ALWAYS going to come first.

Some people need to make every family event only about themselves.

Unfortunately it's not always indicative of their feelings for the injured party but of their own opportunity to be outraged/centre of attention/involved. It's a sense of self importance that really gets on my tits!

I think you sound AMAZING op, to be able to manage civility with your ex for the sake of your ds. Your mother however should absolutely be taking your cue on this, regardless of her own feelings.

I would tell her that if she doesn't behave herself, then you will assume she won't want to attend future events for your ds.

If his father is a good father, then he will always take precedence over GPs.

My mother used to get really angry if she thought anyone had upset us as kids. The problem was, she would then be a complete bitch to me and my sister as a result of being angry!

Frankly I would have preferred it if she'd tried to be supportive rather than making it all about herself; I can totally understand how you feel op and I think anyone saying YABU probably has never been in that situation.

Try repeating the phrase "IT IS NOT ABOUT YOU" every time she starts in. Say it gently, shout it loudly, but do keep saying it. Maybe the message will start to creep in. And a few amateur dramatics from you may indeed shock her into compliance! How about bursting into floods of tears at her and shouting "you never think of how horrible it is for me having to always be the strong one while you act like this all the time" and blah blah blah.

Who knows, it may work. Good luck :)

How about bursting into floods of tears at her and shouting "you never think of how horrible it is for me having to always be the strong one while you act like this all the time" and blah blah blah

God no. That's just fighting fire with fire. Joining in. Being the same.

That's the last thing you should do OP. You have said already that you have been clear, reminding your mum that stbxh did what he did to you and not to her, which is as straight up as it comes. She knows how you feel, and that her behaviour is upsetting.
Your mum doesn't care. She wants a show.
Make sure you don't co-star in it.
Your wee son's birthday party is your show. Don't hand it over to her.

I appreciate that it's unappetising advice, pictish, but on the (few) occasions where I have snapped and done this with my own mother, she has shut up and taken the point. Sadly it seems like nothing else would get a look in - OTT people like this tend to act up because they know they can get away with it, that everyone will just deal with them and not call them on it (IME anyway).

I imagine that the op usually acts like a mature adult, which is your advice; unfortunately if that doesn't seem to be working then fighting fire with fire might be worth a go.

Again, good luck op....

It's so liberating to hear people say they understand. She has this way of making everyone think she's the victim about everything.

She somehow manages to always make me the unreasonable one.

Even when I asked her outright why her feelings were more important she somehow turned it on me that I was being a horrible cow to say such a thing.

It's actually really empowering to hear people say that actually i'm not a total mother hating bitch!

The world would be a better place if everyone took the approach you're taking with your ex. Well done for putting your DS first. It will pay dividends in future.

As for your Mum, the best you can do is not give in to her emotional blackmail.