To expect my Mother to be civil to stbXh for DS's sake?

[MyDogShitsMoney]

H and I separated in early December after he had a text-fling-type-of-thing when DS was 4 months old. Obviously the whole family was very upset as they got on wonderfully with H and felt very betrayed by the whole thing.

My mother is known for being a giant drama queen, always has been always will be. Unfortunately her histrionics have made the whole situation way way more difficult for me than it already was as instead of her being there for me and letting me take the lead it has, from day 1, been all about her and how distraught she is.

She still refuses to even say his name and pulls a proper cat's bum mouth at the mere mention of him or his family.

Now I've ignored this up to now, pulled her up on it if she's being too obvious and basically made it clear from day one that H is and always will be a huge part of DS's life. It has become truly exhausting.

It's DS's birthday in August so obviously I want to have a little party, nothing fancy just family and friends at my house. She has know this was my intention for over a month.

Today she asks "how are we going to stagger the arrival times?" My answer was that I wasn't intending to, it's nothing formal so was planning on just having an open door from 2ish onwards and people can come and go as they please. That way once DS goes to bed I can have a few drinks with my fiends as it's my birthday the day before his.

Turns out she is refusing to come if stbXh is going to be there.

I tried to explain that although I understand that she may find this difficult DS is more important than how any of us feel. I am not prepared for him to have to go through his whole life never having his Grandmother and Father in the same room. We are the adults and need to behave as such.

I'm not asking her to be his best friend or welcome him back into the family fold with open arms. Just be in the same room for a couple of hours and be civil for DS's sake.

Am I really being unreasonable?

Excellent post by GateGypsy. She is going to have her histrionics whatever you do by the sounds of it. Just remove yourself and your son from the situation whenever she starts up. As in, literally walk away. tell yourself she can't bother you. Just give her less of your head space and time.

You sound great btw and I really admire your attitude given the year you've had.

I think you need to point out to your mother that having granny around is nice but daddy is far more important, also a father has far more right to be in his child's life then a grand parent ever does.

Tell her she can tow the line of bugger off

I know someone who has put her DS through this - to the point she had a huge row with his dad at his wedding - over 20 years post divorce.

You are right to put your foot down.

And excuse me if I'm overstepping - tell me to bugger off!!

Has she influenced you to divorce with her histrionics?? It's just reading between the lines - she seems to be totally over involved and overwhelming!!

Thank you

You're right, she'll never change, but I can. I need to stop letting her affect me the way she does.

She is who she is, always has been always will be. I have to focus on making sure ds is never affected by it in the way I have been.

It just makes me so sad. It's not fair. He's a little boy, so innocent, not even a year old and she can't put her feelings to one side for him just for one day.

I've always known what she's like and from a very young child found it very difficult but this has really focussed things for me.

To put her own feelings before her baby grandson is, to me, unforgivable. And to the not even take responsibility for doing that and try to deflect the blame onto H for causing the situation in the first place is just so breathtakingly self-absorbed I don't think I will ever get passed it.

It's just not fair. Neither me or ds caused this so why do we have to suffer. I just want my husband back and I want my mum to be my mum. I want her to give me a cuddle and make it ok.

I've never felt so sad my whole life, I want her to make it better.

What complete self indulgence on her part! She is not being 'true to herself', she is being a self-centred, self-indulgent cow.

Stop dancing to her tune. Point out that as a grandmother she will ALWAYS come second to the parents, which includes your DS's father. Stop listening to her, don't ever discuss it with her again. Don't avoid mentioning your ex around her. Just walk away when she starts, and refuse to listen to her. The less people let her indulge in her melodramatics the better.

I'm so sorry - is there no chance of a reconciliation??

Hold your head high - you sound like an amazing mum x

Aw OP - I feel for you. x

Mydogshitsmoney (fab name by the way), I completely sympathise that on top of everything else you're having to constantly mourn the idea of what your mother should be to you. It's shit and unfair, and the bumps on your forehead from constantly banging it against a brick wall give you a bloody headache.

But you have made some amazing choices for your little boy, keeping the politics of the adults away from the facts of who your son loves and will be important to him is such a fantastic thing to do. It's not much consolation right now but you'll see the benefits of this as he gets older and you will be right to enjoy the sense of pride that comes from putting his needs above your own.

Easier said than done, but I really think you need to start cutting your mother short with these conversations, you've explained your reasons you don't need to keep justifying yourself.

A simple 'you've made yourself clear, I respect your stance but your upsetting me now' means you can cut the conversation short without withdrawing an invitation and leave the ball in her court.

Next time she saya anything just say "Thank you for making life just a tiny bit shittier than it already was".

You're right. I do need to walk away, distance myself.

I need to stop wishing she was different and accept that she will never be the mum I want her to be.

When H and I separated, instead of running to my mum I avoided her. I knew telling her would be a complete nightmare. I knew how she'd react. I had to build up the strength to do it. To make sure I could tell her calmly and rationally and make sure I never ever showed any emotion in front of her.

It's not right to have to do that, not with your mum. It should have been the first place I wanted to go. It should have been where I felt safe, where I could cry.

Instead I did it all alone, got it out of my system before I went and held it in til I got home. In fact come to think of it I've never cried about it in front of anyone. I wait til I'm alone.

My god saying that out loud makes me even more determined!

DS will NEVER feel like that, ever. He will ALWAYS know i'm here for him. He will ALWAYS know he comes first. If he is sad I will always always make it better. But most importantly he will always take the lead, his feelings will always trump mine.

Well...if nothing else, his interests on this particular issue, certainly trumps your mothers!

Be cool, be calm, be decent, but do not back down. Hell no.

Ok, so I've pulled my head out of my arse, emptied my vat of self-pity and have entered a state of zen-like calm.

What I need to do now is deal with the situation in way that will nip all this crap in the bud and head-off any attempts she is going to make to play the martyr. She's freakishly good at it so I need to be right at the top of my game!

I want to send an informal send-to-all text to gauge everyone else's reaction and make sure I don't end up one of two guests at the worlds most depressing 1st birthday party.

This is my idea of the wording, any tips more than welcome.

"As you all know "DS"'s birthday is coming up and I would like to have a little party to mark the occasion. My mum has decided she does not want to come so I understand others may feel the same. However, if anyone feels they can put their feelings about "H" to one side for this one special day and join us and "DS" in celebrating his first year we would really love to see you."

Any thoughts?

Too passive aggresive. You're making it about your mum again...falling right into line with what she wants.

Say nothing to anyonbe...you don't need to explain.

Just ignore your mother's histrionics. That's all you need to do.

What i mean is...stick to having an open house from 2pm as originally planned. Nothing more need be said or done.

I would go with dxh and I are having a small party...
that way you are making it clear you will both be there ask people to RSVP so you can get your shopping done,
I wouldn't even mention your mums drama.... it doesnt deserve the air time!
good luck

Actually I think that's a great idea - make the invite from you and ex!!

sleeps is spot on - if you can go down that route.

Yes do. It's nicely assertive and not at all rude.

I totally get what you mean about playing into her hands, it's exactly what I don't want to do.

The thing is if I don't get in there first she is very quickly going to contact everyone she can think of to get them on her side. Sadly she isn't above exaggerating or indeed outright lying in order to maintain her victim status.

I only have a tiny family and I really don't want them to stay away because she's got to them first and persuaded them to put on a "united front" like she has with my dad.

I just want them to see it as simply as I do and then they can make their own choice.

I like the idea of sleeps invite from mum and dad, I know you want an informal open house, but i would be inclined to ask people to informally let you know whether they plan to come or not so you can gauge how much food to buy.

Anyone who says they are busy or doesn't turn up, well you can tackle them on an individual basis to suss out who your mum has been spinning a line to. Hopefully they aren't as prone to drama as she is and will be open to the idea of providing a united family front as much as you are. Redirect your energy into selling the idea that this taking sides business is damaging to your son to people other than your mother and you might find her support dwindle if people know directly it isn't what you want.

Concentrate on making your sons day special, he's unlikely to notice any feuds at his age so try and keep a brave face on making a fuss of the people who are grown up enough to put aside the soap opera drama for his sake.

Fair enough, points taken.

How about

"H and I have decided to have a small party for DS's 1st birthday. It has been a difficult year for us all and we would very much like to come together, for DS's sake, and mark the occasion as a family. We would love for you to come and celebrate with us."

You're getting there.

you don't need to put "as a family" - are you not inviting some friends?

I'd miss out the middle sentence all together. It's not really adding anything except opening the door for your mum to make a fuss about what constitutes "family".

Have you made it clear to your mum, that regardless of what your H did he is still your DS's father and as such he will ALWAYS be more important to your DS than grandma is. If she continues behaving this way, then she will be the one that misses out as H will always be chosen above her. Ultimately your DS will suffer for it. Ask her if she is really that selfish and willing to cut off her own nose? Then refuse to pander to her.

The invitation wording is great, makes it clear that the day is about DS and all are welcome. If anyone chooses to stay away then it's their loss.