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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel upset to discover that "friend" supports the BNP :(

119 replies

Jinsei · 29/06/2012 21:30

Not a close friend, but this is someone who has been to my house, accepted my hospitality etc. DH is Asian and dd is mixed race. I am Shock to know that she holds these views and upset to think that she has held these views through all of our "friendly" conversations.

I'm not going to say anything to her, will just quietly edit her out of our lives. But it makes me :( that seemingly "nice" people can buy into such crap.

OP posts:
ChrisPeacock · 29/06/2012 22:28

theincredibequeenofwands

You said

I think political parties are the same as religion, is usually best not to know who people support/believe.

It's awkward, I know.

You'd think by 2012 everyone would've moved on from being anti gay/anti multi-cultural/anti single mothers yadda yadda.

How biggoted of you

So you think its ok to be anti religion?

Original poster
Jinsei · 29/06/2012 22:31

Actually, in this case, I'd far rather know what she believes. Then I can make an informed choice about whether or not to continue the friendship.

In this case, my choice is not.

OP posts:
theincredibequeenofwands · 29/06/2012 22:32

Er, no!

I said that people's beliefs should be kept to themselves as they upset other people....!

Hmm
yellowraincoat · 29/06/2012 22:33

Really? I think I'd want to know if my friends were racist.

Original poster
Jinsei · 29/06/2012 22:35

Yes yellowcoat, me too.

OP posts:
Original poster
Jinsei · 29/06/2012 22:36

Sorry, yellowraincoat

OP posts:
SuzySheepSmellsNice · 29/06/2012 22:44

I agree Mildred

FreudianSlipper · 29/06/2012 23:00

it is best you know and now you can get away from this horrible two faced person. when i was little my mum, aunt and i went to visit an old friend of my mums. she went into the kitchen to make tea and put away her best china and got her old stuff. my mum said she wanted to leave there and then but and the worse thing is my aunt thought she was lovely :( this was the 70's when she would have abusive remarks made daily

and i think it is best to know someone?s beliefs as it is my choice if i want to be friends with them. i do not want to be friends with anyone who supports the bnp or parties who have similar beliefs. i can not tell you how many times i heard growing up i do not like p but your family are ok and that to me is worse than being an open racist at least you know where you stand with these people

and yes people are worried about immigration, support the tory party then do not support a party that fundamentally believes that anyone who is of white, christian european background is more superior. it is a load of rubbish that you supprt the bnp becasue you are worried about immigration it is because you are racist

StuntGirl · 29/06/2012 23:04

YANBU, I'd end the friendship too.

My family live in a racially divisive town and I was actually terrified during the last elections that they'd vote BNP. Thankfully none of them did. It would have radically altered my view of them if they had :(

FreudianSlipper · 29/06/2012 23:11

i would rather if someone were racist to be honest, then i could just dismiss them as a stupid cunt and not worthy of my time. to not air their true beleifs for fear of hurting me (or rather making themselves look the cunt they are) and being a so called friend would hurt a lot more

QuacksForDoughnuts · 29/06/2012 23:12

You'd be surprised who is involved with that crap. A nightclub owner in my old district turned out to be a BNP member. His wife is black and apparently she is behind him every inch of the way. Before they were exposed and boycotted their club had routinely hosted fundraisers for various things normally associated with the left, think there had even been a few things for Palestine there which is ironic since he claimed his problem was with Muslims who don't assimilate. (would you 'assimilate' if it meant absorbing that sort of twattery?) We found out what he was involved with because he was on a delayed train with my friend and they were randomly chatting, he mentioned being in the BNP and she didn't believe him so he showed her his membership card. She is from a Muslim family but he thought she was Spanish, that's how clued up he is on the realities of race. Anyway, YANBU either to be upset or to cut the 'friend' in question out of your life.

Original poster
Jinsei · 29/06/2012 23:15

God, stuntgirl, it would be incredibly hard if a close family member turned out to be that way inclined. I mean, it's easy enough to edit friends out of your life, but not so easy if it were one of your parents. I honestly don't know what I'd do if I faced that situation.[ confused]

Thankfully, my own immediate family members would rather hurl themselves into a burning pit than vote for the BNP, so this is not an issue I have to contend with!

OP posts:
yellowraincoat · 29/06/2012 23:16

My parents would never vote BNP but my dad is pretty racist. It's hard. I have to tell him over and over again not to say stuff, walk away and so on.

We're not close, partly because of that, partly for other reasons. I couldn't be close to someone like that, but I stay in touch to keep the peace.

LulaPalooza · 29/06/2012 23:24

I've been reflecting on this a bit and I like to think I would say something if I discovered that someone I considered a friend was racist... but I realised that I have dealt with racism within family by just simply cutting them off. I missed my darling Aunt's 80th birthday because her Grandson, my cousin's son, is racist and the one time he met him he was openly hostile towards DH. I have never said anything, just closed down open relations with that part of my family.

So, Jinsei, having thought about this and then having read your later posts I entirely understand why you want to just quietly walk away.

I still admire you x

bejeezus · 29/06/2012 23:24

Urghh...yrs, get rid

I have to work with one...it makes me feel sick. I have removed pictures of my children from my desk..I don't want his eyes on them...feels like showing the pictures to a paedophile.

I feel furious that she had been in my house; but you know what shed say...'oh, I don't mean your dh/kids, they're alright you know...its all the others'

Yeuck Yeuck Yeuck

maddening · 29/06/2012 23:28

but people's beliefs are a core part of what makes a person - it is integral to your personality - you can't ignore it but it is right to know so you can make an informed decision when getting to know and trust someone as a friend - saves time and wasted emotions later on - as it was always going to come to this whenever you found out she was actively racist.

Original poster
Jinsei · 29/06/2012 23:46

Thanks lula. Part of me feels I should challenge it, but then, what difference would it make? People who vote BNP do not respond to reason. I have challenged racism in the workplace previously, as it's easy to say that certain types of behaviour are unacceptable in that context. In my personal life, somehow I feel I'm on shakier ground.

I agree with maddening that beliefs are a core part of who we are. I could never be friends with someone whose values were so fundamentally opposed to my own.

OP posts:
JosephineCD · 29/06/2012 23:52

You shouldn't fall out with people due to politics. It's stupid.

And plenty of people are "anti-multiculturalism", including me. It's a stupid policy that just hasn't worked.

Plenty of people are anti-immigration nowadays.

YankNCock · 29/06/2012 23:53

YANBU.

I wish certain idiot in-laws were as easy to cut out of my life as your friend.

LulaPalooza · 29/06/2012 23:55

I understand, Jinsei. It's so very different when you don't have policies and procedures to back you up in a challenge situation.

I'm so sad and sorry that you had to go discover this about someone that you considered a friend. Never has the phrase "turn the other cheek" been more apposite.

I think, that if this person has already taken an active step to join the BNP, then challenging her proactively will make no difference. Silence and dignity will speak far, far louder than words ever will.

LulaPalooza · 29/06/2012 23:56

Really, Jospehine? You think this is just about politics?

GothAnneGeddes · 29/06/2012 23:56

Bejeezus that's very sad Sad.

O.P YANBU and I'm in agreement with the Special's song quoted upthread.

ShellyBoobs · 29/06/2012 23:57

I expect that if you mentioned it she'd be quick to tell you that your DH and DD aren't 'the issue'. When pressed, she wouldn't be able to answer as to precisely who is 'the issue'.

She's no doubt as fick as 2 short ones, so to speak...

Original poster
Jinsei · 29/06/2012 23:57

Josephine, this is not "just" about politics, it's about basic human values. I have no wish to remain friends with someone who I consider to be morally bereft.

Btw, are you my ex-friend?

OP posts:
Mrsjay · 29/06/2012 23:58

being racist isnt about politics Shock

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