Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Horrible letter from Ex -AIBU

53 replies

anysummerthisyear · 29/06/2012 18:02

So, brief background: My DP's and his EXW are about to start what is probably going to be a very long court "battle" regarding their children. She very much dislikes me and that DP has moved on and is with someone else. Her latest thing is to try and make DP look like a terrible father and one of her methods is to lie about me and make out I am not "fit" to be around their children (DP currently has main residency) albeit informally not by court order. She has nothing "on me" as such. I have not done anything detrimental to the children, there is nothing "wrong" with me, no terrible past etc. I have my own children and this is entirely fabricated by her. (Of course you guys don't know that but you'll have to take my word for it)

Over the weekend she sent a really spiteful letter direct to my DP's solicitor. Usually her letters all come from her solicitor to his and therefore are neutral, and non confrontational, this one isn't. We are asumming she got angry and sent it rashly before taking legal advice There are around 6 pages of moans, lies and false accusations about DP but most of it is about me! Nothing "serious" like crimes etc just accusing me of saying things I haven't, doing certain things etc. She has also got her sister and father to lie too. I know it's not true and so does DP (many incidents she claims I did something DP was there too). She has blatantly lied and it has really upset me to read these lies as they paint me as a nasty, evil witch not fit to be around children.

Anyway, DP's solicitor has told him to totally ignore it. It isn't a normal letter sent to a solicitor no questions or proposals etc, it was moaning and bullshitting basically. I have had a think and I personally want to reply. Just to the bits that accuse me of things I haven't done. It would be a letter from me direct to EXW's solicitor, disputing her claims and really just clearing my name for the record. She could use her letter in court and I feel it's better that the lies don't go undisputed.

AIBU to reply? Is DP's letter but as much of it is lies about me I feel like I have the right to reply.

OP posts:
MissAnnersley · 29/06/2012 18:05

I would take the advice of the solicitor, however difficult that may be. You may have a 'right' to reply but it won't help with the bigger and more important issue of the legal 'battle'.

Stellarforstar · 29/06/2012 18:07

I would leave it.

Maybe she's trying to goad you into replying so she can say "Look! See how unreasonable and mean she is?"

PurplePidjin · 29/06/2012 18:07

Write the reply then burn it. Do not give her the satisfaction of knowing you're upset, because she'll think she's won.

AKMD · 29/06/2012 18:09

YABU, yes. I'm not surprised that you're angry but stick by your solicitor's advice. For now it is just her looking bad but if you get involved in mudslinging it could potentially damage your DP's case. If I were him I would be furious if you did anything to jeopardise his custody of his children.

Seriously, go swimming, for a run, walk, whatever and let it go.

PenelopePipPop · 29/06/2012 18:09

Ouch that must hurt. But if your Dp's solicitor has told him to ignore it I really think you should to. Family courts are used to angry people making spiteful allegations in front of them, I really don't think her letter will help her at all unless she can back her allegations up with hard evidence which she does not have. You have to rise above her level however hard that is. If you strike back with a letter it probably won't harm your case at all but it certainly won't help either. The ex sounds angry and sad, an angry letter from you will not correct that.

Vent on here or to trusted friends all you like. It is unfair. But the best outcome is that this dispute is resolved as quickly as possible even if that means letting some lies do undisputed.

addictediam · 29/06/2012 18:10

Your solicitor has said don't reply. Do not engage, its what she wants. Ignore, ignore, ignore

NarkedRaspberry · 29/06/2012 18:11

No. Don't reply.

TheCraicDealer · 29/06/2012 18:11

It seems to make her just look unbalanced really. I know it's tempting to want to have your own say, but the fact the kids are happily ensconced with you says volumes. Leave it be!

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 29/06/2012 18:12

I agree with writing a reply to get it out f your system and then burning it. It would not be wise to send it, keep the moral high ground on your side.

I wouldn't have thought it would be taken seriously in court, and you will have your chance to defend it when it matters. If anything, she might have done you a favour because it makes her look irrational. Firing off six pages of spite directly to a solicitor doesn't exactly make someone come across as reasonable, does it?

GailTheGoldfish · 29/06/2012 18:12

Perhaps you could speak to your DP's solicitor again and ask how or if the letter could be used in court? I'm pretty sure if it's vindictive and simply spiteful that a court would see through that and may well look worse for her then it does for you. Unless there is a good legal reason for you to dispute her claims in writing, which the solicitor should tell you about, you might run the risk of it looking like you engaged in a slanging match with her rather than defending yourself. Sorry it's not a nice situation though and I wish you luck and strength to keep rising above the nastiness.

Groovee · 29/06/2012 18:12

I would write and not send. By replying gives her the satisfaction that you are giving her head space. Where as not replying will get on her goat.

solidgoldbrass · 29/06/2012 18:14

Replying will make it look as though both of you are engaged in a catfight over your DP. Ignoring it will make her look mental and you dignified and sane. Honestly, maddening though it must be, don't engage with the silly bitch.

Birdsgottafly · 29/06/2012 18:17

Unless those points are in a letter from her solicitor, then ignore and any in the future.

Courts do not like to have to wade through nit picking poiunts and as she hasn't made this offical, it looks like it is coming from you.

Just focus on the fact that it doesn't matter how she paints you, just what the children think and report to any professionals involved.

It is quite true that you cannot stop her, just change how you allow it to effect you and how you react to her.

shushpenfold · 29/06/2012 18:17

Don't send anything. Go through your solicitor and use it as evidence if you need to. Stick to the higher ground and try to ignore it. x

JumpingThroughHoops · 29/06/2012 18:18

You pay a solicitor to do your work for you. Don't even give it air time in your mind.

Some people are like a fire, you give them oxygen and they continue to burn, don;t feed them the oxygen they need and eventually they go away.

sparkybabe · 29/06/2012 18:21

Write it.

Then keep it. You can always send it when everything is sorted, and it won;t then jeopardise the court case.

Cold, cold revenge.

(i have the same sort of thing, my email is waiting to go the minute it's all over!)

maristella · 29/06/2012 18:23

Don't reply!

XP did similar. He received a copy of my statement to the courts and was supposed to respond to the court. Instead he completely defaced the court statement Shock He accused me of all sorts of shoddy parenting, completely slagged me off as a person and even mocked my genitals!

I managed not to respond, and won the case without even having to step into court. All profs involved saw him for what he is Wink

Keep your cool

GateGipsy · 29/06/2012 18:25

Don't reply! Really don't do it no matter how much you want to. The courts take a HUGELY dim view of that sort of thing.

However, it will be MASSIVELY in your favour if you go into court with this letter, and impartial documentation showing where she has lied. Even if you only have this for a couple of the lies - if you can prove one or two lies then the judge will treat ALL of it as suspect.

However, the judge WILL NOT consider any of it at all if they feel it is a 'he said/she said' situation. They absolutely hate hate hate that.

So if you do reply to her, no matter how reasonably you think you are being, you'll be the one who loses out in front of the judge.

DO NOT REPLY

Instead start a journal. DO NOT write anything emotional in it. The journal should contain entries written at the time about anything that is said or done to you, your DP, or the children.

The judge WILL accept contemporaneous accounts - those that are written at the time of the events, and will consider them. The judge will not consider or read anything that is obviously written in retrospect. It is easy to tell when things are written as they happen.

Stick to the bald facts only. Do not be tempted to throw in how it made you feel - a) the judge doesn't care, he or she only cares about what the children feel, you're an adult and can look after yourself and b) they know, they don't need to be told. They're not daft they see this day in and day out.

LISTEN TO YOUR LAWYER at all times and do what the lawyer says.

Your partner's ex has not done this, and this will come back and bite her big time.

Avoid falling into the same trap.

ratspeaker · 29/06/2012 18:54

Your DP is paying the solicitor, a professional who has probably seen it all before, so take the solicitors advice.
If you reply the ex will know she has got under your skin and that you feel the need to justify your actions to her. Dont give her that satisfaction

Original poster
anysummerthisyear · 29/06/2012 19:17

Thank you everyone.

It's the inability to put my version of events across when she has lied and made up quite nasty things Ive said is unbelieveably frustrating. Yep it gets to me and I don't want her to know of course. It's horrible to hear someone lying saying things like "DSD1 has said anysummerthisyear told me that she hates you" etc. Oh and one of the latest was me apparently saying to her "Im their new mummy because you're a rubbish one" I've not said anything of the sort. DP and I believe that she is going to say in court that I am unfit to be around the children. She has NO proof as it's all lies. I'm never rude or nasty to her or about her. Total lies. It's so bloody frustrating.

Just to clarify, it's DP's solicitor not mine, she said he shouldn't reply to the letter but hasn't said (he hasn't asked) whether it's ok for me to reply. I would never accuse her of anything, it would be calm and polite and non confrontational but will correct her lies.

However, it seems the advice is not to send it. I have already half written it so maybe I will finish and save it in case I ever really need it. I can't imagine her standing in court lying to pretend I shuldnt be around their kids. That would devastate me and DP and would be detrimental to his residency as we live together. Hopefully a judge would dismiss the allegations when they see absolutely not a shred of evidence to support any of them though :(

OP posts:
Original poster
anysummerthisyear · 29/06/2012 19:19

Maristela- He mocked your genitals?!? WTAF?

OP posts:
AKMD · 29/06/2012 19:21

She might be your DP's solicitor but her advice as an experienced professional is to not reply. Just don't, for the good of your DP's case.

Sallyingforth · 29/06/2012 19:22

If you reply she will only come back with another letter. It will be the start of a paper feud.
Treat her like the evil troll she is and ignore. That way YOU win.

ImperialBlether · 29/06/2012 19:24

If I were you I would go to court ready with a written answer to every point she makes. Don't show it unless that letter is mentioned, then say, "The letter is untrue and its purpose was to undermine my relationship with the children. I can answer any questions you have relating to it."

Sassybeast · 29/06/2012 19:36

I feel your pain. I refuse to accept any correspondance from Ex directly - it all has to come via the solicitors. Anything he send my solicitor directly is ignored - she no longer even tells me that another tirade has arrived. So you can instruct your solicitor not to acknowledge or forward anything that doesn't come via his solicitor.
With regards replying, I would follow his advice but write your own response and keep it should you ever need it.