Horrible letter from Ex -AIBU

[anysummerthisyear]

So, brief background: My DP's and his EXW are about to start what is probably going to be a very long court "battle" regarding their children. She very much dislikes me and that DP has moved on and is with someone else. Her latest thing is to try and make DP look like a terrible father and one of her methods is to lie about me and make out I am not "fit" to be around their children (DP currently has main residency) albeit informally not by court order. She has nothing "on me" as such. I have not done anything detrimental to the children, there is nothing "wrong" with me, no terrible past etc. I have my own children and this is entirely fabricated by her. (Of course you guys don't know that but you'll have to take my word for it)

Over the weekend she sent a really spiteful letter direct to my DP's solicitor. Usually her letters all come from her solicitor to his and therefore are neutral, and non confrontational, this one isn't. We are asumming she got angry and sent it rashly before taking legal advice There are around 6 pages of moans, lies and false accusations about DP but most of it is about me! Nothing "serious" like crimes etc just accusing me of saying things I haven't, doing certain things etc. She has also got her sister and father to lie too. I know it's not true and so does DP (many incidents she claims I did something DP was there too). She has blatantly lied and it has really upset me to read these lies as they paint me as a nasty, evil witch not fit to be around children.

Anyway, DP's solicitor has told him to totally ignore it. It isn't a normal letter sent to a solicitor no questions or proposals etc, it was moaning and bullshitting basically. I have had a think and I personally want to reply. Just to the bits that accuse me of things I haven't done. It would be a letter from me direct to EXW's solicitor, disputing her claims and really just clearing my name for the record. She could use her letter in court and I feel it's better that the lies don't go undisputed.

AIBU to reply? Is DP's letter but as much of it is lies about me I feel like I have the right to reply.

Your DP's solicitor is 100% right.

And furthermore she may have scored a resounding own goal later down the line.

The opportunity may present itself where the court seeing her letter will act as proof of her unreasonable behaviour. File the letter away and don't whatever you do reply.

I would do as ImperialBlether said. And write what Imperial wrote for you to say, should you for any reason be asked about it, at the top of your bullit points so youcan remain calm in your responce.

At least this way you get to vent/write your side dowm but don't jeaperdise your DPs case. She may well be baiting you on purpose.

Oh yes she is certainly "baiting" the difference is she knows I wouldn't be so daft as to send a confrontationial type letter back.

The thing I am worried about it she could bring up these "statements of events" (the lies) a months down the line in court. Would it not be questioned as to why, if they are totally untrue, did we not contest them and respond with our version and state then that they are lies? Would in be frowned on that we didn't ever contest her letters as not being the truth until she raised the points in court?

Thanks again.

Would it not be questioned as to why, if they are totally untrue, did we not contest them and respond with our version and state then that they are lies? Would in be frowned on that we didn't ever contest her letters as not being the truth until she raised the points in court?

Why are you asking us? Your solicitor has told you what to do, so unless you think that MN has a collective knowledge and skill above a fully trained family law specialist, then I sugges you follow his advice.

Bogeyface, I was just musing I guess. Not planning on taking full legal advice from MN'ers over the solicitor I promise :)

Bearing in mind the fact that Bogeyface is right and random internet forums are not the place to get reliable advice on family law and your DPs solicitor has already given you good advice...

No the court will not question why you didn't get into a slanging match about ungrounded accusations with an angry angry person who just wants to hurt you. They'll just assume you read the situation correctly, as one where anything you said would make matters worse and sensibly ignored her inflammatory and insulting letter.

(Family judges don't get appointed for turning up - they will have seen all of this and more before.)

You don't have a 'side' to put , there is no one to put it TOO. Everyone who loves you believes you, she will NEVER agree with you - there is literally no point in telling her, she will never believe you.

You have to understand it suits her to agree - she doesn't actually believe it's true, it's just a convenient diversion so she doesn't have to engage with the real issues.

Ignore, and privately laugh - it's all bollovks, you know it's bollovks, she knows it's bollokvs.

I went through a similar situation when my dad died, leaving his entire estate to his mistress of 6 months. We contested, the mistress made up all sorts of outright lies. Please do not respond. Leave this to the professionals. It would make you feel better, for sure, but will not help the greater cause.

anysummer yes, he really did!!!! He actually put in writing to the court that I'm "as big as a family car and just as much fun"
I was too shocked to respond straight away, but silence in the face of nastiness just shouts dignity

can ypu get character references to counteract her claims?

could you lodge a dated letter responding to advise of inaccuracy of her claims so any question of lack of response on your part is invalid

Don't reply, please don't. She will be waiting for some comeback and you can deprive her of that while keeping the calm moral high ground. And she looks unwise at the very least, pretty much deranged.

Also, bear in mind that this is between your DP and her not you. You are free to smile sweetly and appear oblivious which she will hate.

Don't reply. If it would help, reply as other folk have said and then burn the reply. Take the solicitors advice. Don't enter into correspondence with her. Or give a letter to the solicitors answering every point she makes. But don't write to her.

I sounded quite harsh didnt I? I didnt mean to but my point remains the same.

Also, there is no "our version" . She lied, if asked you simply say "it isnt true", by using the words "our version" it suggests that there is a story but told from two different POV.

I thought child custody was sorted out during the divorce not after?

Scratch that, I just googled it. I did not know that it wasnt, surely it should be.

I disagree Millie

A divorce is the ending of a legal marriage. Access and residence arrangements for the children will be an ongoing thing and have no relevance to whether a marriage is over so they should be kept seperate. If only to stop unscrupulous parents using them as a bargaining tool in a divorce and I know many would as some already do. It is usually sorted out as a result of divorce proceedings but are dealt with seperately, as the children will still be of the family whether the parents are together or not.

anysummerthisyear can I ask if you have posted before about this situation? It sounds familiar

Dolly- Nope, not posted before about this as only just been notified of this letter in the last few days. Perhaps it's a common thing for the EXW or EXH to be nasty to the new partner of the other and try and use it to score points in a residency case.

I can understand why you want to reply, but your solicitor is right and you should ignore it.

If you try and refute what she says by letter, you will end up looking like you have something to deny and also will probably find that she'll respond again and you will end up with a written argument which is good for no one.

Please dont reply. My ex said lots of horrible things about me, through text, letter and to his solicitor.

I didn't respond to any of it as I didn't want him to think he was upsetting me and it was all such bullshit it didn't deserve my head space so I ignored it.

He brought all of it up in court. I told the judge how I decided to ignore it for the reasons I said above and the Judge saw him for exactly what he is and told him never to bring it up again as it was all irrelavent.

They are very experienced in people behaving this way.

Take the moral high ground.

Write the reply-clear bullet points that state what actually happened and any witnesses you may have- and give it to your solicitor. If she does bring it up then you have the rebuttals ready already. Do NOT engage her as it will only come back tenfold and start an almighty wank war between you.

It must be very common!

So is she going for main residency? It's not a nice thing to do sending a letter like that, does she have anything to gain by it?