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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to not respond?

70 replies

Wellthen · 28/06/2012 19:13

So twice this week random men have spoken to me in the street and then been seemingly offended that I didnt respond. I find this habit incredibly irritating and on a par with pointless comments like 'hot enough for you?' or 'dont worry it might never happen.'

Earlier this week I was walking barefoot to my car. I was simply popping out of my flat to get something and as it was warm and dry I didnt put shoes on. A large group of men were walking the opposite way and 1 started going on at me 'oi put some shoes on! Why aint you got shoes on? Wheres your shoes!' I completely ignored him but had to pass them to get to my car. The man became more insistent saying 'hello, talking to you!' What was I sposed to say? 'Im not wearing shoes because I'm just popping to my car because I need my childrens books because Im a teacher and Im marking' ? Or alternatively 'Why the HELL DO YOU CARE?'

Today I have just passed a man whilst carrying flowers (for my TA). He asked me 3 times if they were for him which I ignored and also insisted 'hello Im talking to you, are they for me?' When I simply ignored him he said 'Oh fucking charming fucking hell.' and moaned to his friend that I had 'given him a look'. Again I just dont understand what I was meant to say. I dont believe he was interested for a second, I think he wanted to intimidate me because I am a female.

And, I have just remembered a time walking past 2 teenage girls sitting outside a shop. Another teenage girl walked past smoking. The first two shouted 'hey how old are you?' about 3 times until she finally responded '16' and walked on. The other two girls shouted back 'you look about 12!' Now I have to say she did look about 12! But what the fuck does it have to do with 2 random girls she clearly didnt know? Argh it just annoys me so much!

Am I being completely grouchy and unreasonable? Would responding get them to leave me alone? Or is shouting random things to people on the street intimidating, rude and unecessary?

OP posts:

Tootiredtosleep · 28/06/2012 19:17

YABU they're only trying to be nice.

MangoHedgehog · 28/06/2012 19:17

perhaps nobody should talk to each other on the street at all

Tootiredtosleep · 28/06/2012 19:18

Oh and you were slightly rude to ignore them, it doesn't cost anything to be friendly.

FeakAndTheWeebleWorm · 28/06/2012 19:19

You're probably quite grouchy, but then I am too. I hate this sort of thing .

Some friends of mine were murdered several years ago and I had to walk to the local shop to buy a card for their family. I felt sick and faint and horrible. Some total arse of a man walked past, ducked to place his face in mine and barked 'May never happen you know!' then, when I didn't reply, stood in the road shouting 'Give us a smile!' over and over again so everyone was looking at me.

OK, he didn't know. But that's because he didn't know me. Or anything about me.

YANBU.

claudedebussy · 28/06/2012 19:19

erm

no man is an island unto himself.

i love chatting to people on the street. i know a lot of people in the neighbourhood and it's just lovely to walk and be able to smile and say hello to people, despite living in the big smoke.

EclecticShock · 28/06/2012 19:21

Grouchy, they might be trying to be friendly although not very effectively.

minibmw2010 · 28/06/2012 19:22

I can see why you get annoyed, but I've found that if I make eye contact, give a kind of half smile, and then walk on people let it go as I haven't ignored them, but I haven't joined in either. This has worked quite well for me since DS (13 months) was born as he's very distinctive looking (proud mama ) so we get lots of chat and comments while out.

SoleSource · 28/06/2012 19:34

If you do not want to chat you do not have to. Try not to make eye contact. You were right not to respond as they were not very nice responses you got. Your instinct serves you well.

LightbulbSoup · 28/06/2012 19:45

It's just banter although they shouldn't swear and be aggressive if you don't join in. I used to do it and most folk react fine and just come back with a smart reply.

bitingteeth · 28/06/2012 19:49

YANBU

In the situations you describe people are verging on being rude to you. Why the hell should you have to explain to random people on the street why you have no shoes on!

Perhaps just nod politely and leave them to it.

But like you, I hate when people say things like 'don't worry it might never happen'. When I was walking the streets trying to get DD to sleep and smart arses said that to me I wanted to punch them in the face.

geegee888 · 28/06/2012 19:50

YANBU. I find it rude. I know perfectly well they're trying to chat up/flirt, and I don't see why they should assume every woman will be "up for it" or enjoy being harassed in the street. I'd also hate it if my DH behaved like this.

Presumably you're supposed to be so flattered that a great man should speak to you, you should turn into a simpering idiot. Anything that slightly stands out and some of them think it gives them an angle - I remember I once wore a pair of thick red woolen tights, and honestly, from the reaction, you'd have thought I was riding an elephant through the streets of the capital! Also last week I was walking from my car to a pub to meet friends, 7.30pm at night, and a man started following me shouting similar remarks and then moaning when I ignored him.

Its creepy. Nice men do not generally behave like this.

Secret7 · 28/06/2012 19:57

YABU.

A quick smile and they would probably have gone on their way.

Insisting on a reply was a bit rude but I wouldn't have given it much thought.

KD0706 · 28/06/2012 19:58

I'm another one who does the half smile and otherwise ignores.
I think in general people are just trying to be friendly though I can understand why it gets annoying.

I can be guilty of talking inanely to people on busses etc I must admit.

Ambrosius · 28/06/2012 20:02

Chatting with people in the street is one thing, being heckled by random people is quite another.Its intimdating.YANBU.

ErikNorseman · 28/06/2012 20:05

YAnbu
It's not friendly banter, it's rude and intrusive and verging on intimidating. Men like that are wankers.

FateLovesTheFearless · 28/06/2012 20:06

Yanbu. I was waking back from the shop the other night when some lad leaned out of his window and shouted 'hey sexy'. I did shoot him a look and ignored him only for him to tell his mates 'must be fridgid!' If it's not something nosy or that I find offensive I will reply, otherwise they can fuck off!

Fireandashes · 28/06/2012 20:13

YANBU. They have the right to "talk" to you if they want to. You have the right not to respond.

It's not as if you've gone out looking for or soliciting some kind of interaction and then been decided to be rude, is it?

bbface · 28/06/2012 20:13

I am totally with you OP. it annoys the hell out of me. YANBU!

When they then have the audacity to say something along the lines that they are only being friendly.... I say back to them 'so you would say something similar to my Dh would you, as you are just being friendly aren't you''. Just being friendly? I don't bloody think so. Hoping that you will turn to them and start flirting more like it.

Puffinsaresmall · 28/06/2012 20:17

yanbu, not friendly - intimidating.

bbface · 28/06/2012 20:17

Oh yes, I remember walking along a busy road where there was heavy traffic. One car full of men in there twenties, started shouting out of the car at me, 'oi oi sexy' that kind of thing. I ignored, but they ramped up the sexual innuendo, so I turned slowly looked at them and said loudly 'you have got to be kidding me. You were the ones shouting that stuff. What a fucking disappointment'. They were silent for a moment, then as they drove by me and off, screamed 'bitch' 'slapper' 'whore'.

I was 22, on my own, minding my own business. Unbelievable.

CailinDana · 28/06/2012 20:20

I am actually that people are saying "they were just being friendly"!! "Being friendly" involves making eye contact with someone, smiling, saying something polite like "Hello" or "Nice day, isn't it?" Shouting at someone in the street when they haven't looked at you or invited contact, and repeatedly asking the same irrelevant question is rude bullying behaviour and IMO the only response to it is ignoring.

Women are taught from a very young age to accept their boundaries being crossed by men because they're "only being friendly." Girls are encouraged to put up with boys pulling their hair or chasing them, which later morphs into inappropriate comments and bum-pinching. The message is always "You must respond to a man positively no matter how annoyed or uncomfortable it makes you feel." Then when a girl does let a man pinch her bum, buy her a drink, take her somewhere she isn't really that comfortable with, etc all because she has always been taught that saying "no" or ignoring is "rude" and something happens the first question off everyone's lips is "why did you let him pinch your bum/buy you a drink/take you outside, if you didn't like him!"

Girls need to be taught that they can just ignore these intimidating pointless rantings from men, they can get cross and shout if a man pinches her bum, they can refuse a man's advances rudely if the man isn't getting the message. Saying women have to accept nasty intimidating behaviour on the street and yet at the same time, refuse subtle controlling or pressurising behaviour from friends/boyfriends is a total mixed message.

After all the guff OP YANBU totally and definitely. You are totally entitled to ignore someone who is forcing you to give them your attention against your will.

JoInScotland · 28/06/2012 20:21

I was out in the garden the other day, rushing to get the laundry in as it had started raining. I had my hoodie on, and the hood up... because it was raining. Some gardeners over the hedge kept talking loudly about "HOW RUDE", etc, etc. For fuck's sake, I'd never seen them before and just wanted to get my laundry in? I didn't see them lurking behind my shed with shears until they started loudly going on about it. I'm hearing impaired, and if they started wittering on quietly before escalating to "HOW RUDE" then I'll be the last to know.

So no, you are not unreasonable, and I want to buy a catapult now, just in case the nutty gardeners come back.

CailinDana · 28/06/2012 20:23

Oh and to add, a man shouting at another man in the street would be seen as a threat or a challenge, never as "being friendly." As for a woman shouting at a man in the street, I can pretty much guarantee it would be seen as chavvy loud embarrassing behaviour. Only when a man shouts at a woman is it seen as acceptable.

OhDoAdmitMrsDeVere · 28/06/2012 20:25

YANBU.
Why should you have to perform just because some random bloke decides he wants you to speak to him.

It doesnt happen to me often now, I am nearly 45 and becoming invisable. I am glad.

I used to get it all the time. Ranging from the 'whappen Blondie?' to the 'give us a fuck darlin' and all inbetween.

It is annoying and its harrassing and men wouldnt like it if they had to constantly smile and simper and laugh at stupid comments incase they got told they were a miserable git.

They are not being 'friendly'. They are ordering you to respond to them and if you dont you get shouted at, insulted and worse.

Its not the same as an old lady talking about the weather when you are at the bustop.

cakeismysaviour · 28/06/2012 20:28

YANBU, they are being rude and frankly a bit creepy too.

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