Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

To not understand why it's so wrong to look good for your dp?

58 replies

Gettheetoanunnery · 27/06/2012 18:12

Ok, so it's a little bit of a thread about a thread but I have also been wondering about this for a long time.
Recent thread here where a lot of posters seem to think its totally wrong to do yourself up a bit for your dp.
I totally get that we shouldn't have to be all dolled up and 50s housewife-ish, but what's wrong with going to a little extra effort to look nice for your DP sometimes? All it takes is a comb through your hair, touch of make up and perfume.
I would hate it if DP didn't look after himself and never make an effort to look nice.

OP posts:

Helmondo · 27/06/2012 18:18

I do make sure I've at least brushed my hair and my teeth, but that's more for my benefit than my dp's

As for make up and perfume, I only wear make up when I go out (when I can be bothered to put it on) and I can't wear perfume at the moment because I'm bfeeding my dd2 and she doesn't like it when I wear it

Tortington · 27/06/2012 18:20

you're supposed to do it for you. i think that's the point.

Helmondo · 27/06/2012 18:21

As to whether or not yabu, a little bit

YouOldSlag · 27/06/2012 18:22

YANBU. I do brush hair and squirt perfume for DH but then I have always tried to look nice for him ever since he was just my boyfriend. To me, it's personal pride and not because I am inferior or subservient to him.

If he didn't wash, shave and comb his hair I wouldn't like it either.

When we go out just the two of us, we both tart ourselves up for the other one and I think it's lovely.

habbibu · 27/06/2012 18:25

Well, in part because of the extra effort women have to put in, and they have to look and smell other than they are - you don't expect your dp to wear make up or perfume, I presume?

EdithWeston · 27/06/2012 18:25

It depends what your start point is, I think. If the mutual pleasure and delight in each other is important to you, then this may be one small part of it - similar to DH bothering to shave at weekends when he doesn't "have" to (for work), but because he still wants to look good for me.

There might be a problem if excessive value if placed on appearance, however, both within the home and in general.

bigbadbarry · 27/06/2012 18:28

I dress up if we are going out, evenif it is just us. I would not change/brush/squirt/colour before he gets in from work and have as much trouble understanding why you would as you have understanding why I would not.

Ragwort · 27/06/2012 18:29

I guess it depends how much value you put on 'appearance'. I am always clean (hopefully ) but I am totally uninterested in fashion or what I wear, my idea of hell is an invitation to anything that demands 'dressing up' (ie: weddings etc) and I wouldn't dream of wearing anything special for anything - my 'wardrobe' is exactly the same for all the sorts of things I do all week so for me to 'change' would actually be uncomfortable. Equally my DH is also uninterested in appearance (fortunately !) so whilst I wouldn't like it if he had bad breath or grease dripping off his face I would actually be unimpressed if he started smartening up his wardrobe .

Dprince · 27/06/2012 18:31

I only think it is an issue if you feel you must or your partner would leave after one day of seeing you less put together. I have a friend who get up early (even on weekends) to shower do her hair and make up because her do ' prefers her when her slap is on'. She also goes to bed later than him so she can wash it off. That, imo, is a problem.
Or if you where things you don't like or are comfortable in because they want you to wear it.
otherwise I don't see the issue.

AdoraBell · 27/06/2012 18:32

As I said on the original fred, I do it for me. In my case this is because I have an OH who denies that he expects everything to be spotless always and cannot see how having small children okay they are older now could possibly make this difficult.

squeakytoy · 27/06/2012 18:35

I think it is a fair point. If a woman were to post that her husband made an effort with his appearance when going out with others, but didnt bother when it was just her who was seeing him, I can imagine plenty of people would say he obviously didnt care about her to make any effort.

Some days if I am working working from home I can doss about with wild hair and wearing my pj's all day, but I do make the effort to get dressed before my husband gets home from work unless he is due home at bedtime anyway.

Original poster

Gettheetoanunnery · 27/06/2012 18:40

DP has seen me looking rough millions of times and it's never been a problem for us. However I do like to touch up my makeup and brush my hair, get changed out of mucky clothes before he comes home. I do it for me, but I also do it for him.

Dp also makes an effort to shave, moisturise, squirt man perfume and wear nice clothes etc.

We don't do this every night but I would say we do it 70-90% of the time.

OP posts:

ENormaSnob · 27/06/2012 18:41

I always make the effort, mainly for me but I wouldn't want dh,or anyone else, to think I was a munter.

Likewise, I expect dh to make effort with his appearance. Not make up but definitely clean, smelling good and with neat nails etc. just the basics IMO.

blonderthanred · 27/06/2012 19:02

OP, are you Victoria Beckham?

SandyBottoms · 27/06/2012 19:03

My DH has a grubby outdoor job and it sounds awful but I don't go near him until he showers and changes. I apply the same rule to myself, I sometimes work with him (family business) and can't wait to get in and freshen up. So I guess it works both ways.

Pandemoniaa · 27/06/2012 19:11

I'd rather be happy with my appearance than just let it slide completely but tbh, such modest efforts are done for me. Not anyone else. Although I could never be a soapdodger because that's downright anti-social for everyone you might come in contact with. If I'm going out I'll make even more of an effort and yes, I like the fact that dp will do similarly.

But the very idea of making an effort for a man like some 1950s guide to being a good housewife would dictate fills me with a depressing sort of dread.

giveitago · 27/06/2012 19:19

This is interesting as I wonder if women do it for themselves really or for their partner?

I'm a non make up wearer. Have been since I was 25 (I'm in 40's now). I have huge unruly hair so even when younger was just washed and pushed back into a pony.

That's me. There's noone I'm trying to impress. I'm time deficient but I'm clean. That's me. I like makeup on other people but it doesn't suit me (never has) and I think it's very ageing (that's my excuse for not wearing).

I don't look 'hot' - never will - but I do look young so happy not to age myself by 'doing myself up'.

There is a school of thought that says if you don't don't look after yourself (by that I take as 'preen') it means you don't respect yourself. I really don't know.

ENormaSnob · 27/06/2012 19:27

Definitely more for myself giveitago.

I had a similar grooming routine when I was single. It just involved a bit more fake tan

giveitago · 27/06/2012 19:34

Yup enorm - I just don't know. I know that I don't have the time but even if I did I wouldn't have the inclination - life too short and all that stuff.

I have a colleague who is very well presented - but she doesn't seem any happier. But I do get the feeling she was doing this from early teens so it's her routine. Just not mine.
Fake tan? Really? doesn't that take longet than makeup as you have to dry?

McHappyPants2012 · 27/06/2012 19:35

My dh finds me beautiful regardless of what I look like. He doesn't come home some nights till gone 10.30 by then i am ready for bed

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 27/06/2012 19:58

I don't understand why people seem to think there is something wierd about making an effort with your appearance either. If you would make an effort when going to work, or going out with friends, then why on earth wouldn't you do it for your dh? My DHs opinion of my appearance is way more important to me than anyone else's opinion.

I don't make the effort every night, but I always make the effort if we are going out or at weekends because I don't want him to forget that I can look really good. He still loves me when I look crap, like I love him when he looks crap, but I would miss seeing him looking his best if it never happened, or only happened when he was seeing other people.

pinkyp · 27/06/2012 20:00

It's not wrong to look good at all yanbu but yabu if you think we should

bobbledunk · 27/06/2012 20:38

Every couples different. I wouldn't fancy someone who didn't take care of their appearance so I always put the effort in because I expect the same in return. There's nothing wrong with two people slobbing out together but if it's only one member of the couple doing it all the time, the other will probably be turned off, especially if they're surrounded by attractive people all day.

giveitago · 27/06/2012 20:52

I don't think it's weird not to make an effort but I'm not sure what making an effort is. I'm clean and well presented but I don't like makeup (and it doesn't like me). I don't have a lifestyle where I have have to make the most of curves and wear sexy clothes so I don't. I'd struggle if I'd have to. I could do it because I scrub brilliantly but not in that lifestyle (both me and dh work long hours etc so no dates and stuff) and I'm not wearing heels on the school run etc.

I'm very much on the fence on this one. My dh also has a full on working life so looks the same (well presented but little effort) day and in day out.

GreenEggsAndNichts · 28/06/2012 01:03

I 'make an effort' by putting on makeup daily (even if I know I'm only seeing him) and generally trying to not look too schlubby. It's not all for him; I find the very few times I don't put on makeup or look presentable, that's when someone appears at the door or we end up going out somewhere on a whim.

He's not worried about it at all. If I never shaved or waxed again, he wouldn't care. He's just oblivious to that sort of thing. He's such an engineer. If it's not practical, he's not interested. :)

Flip

1 2 3

Swipe left for the next trending thread