To not understand why it's so wrong to look good for your dp?

[Gettheetoanunnery]

Ok, so it's a little bit of a thread about a thread but I have also been wondering about this for a long time.
Recent thread here where a lot of posters seem to think its totally wrong to do yourself up a bit for your dp.
I totally get that we shouldn't have to be all dolled up and 50s housewife-ish, but what's wrong with going to a little extra effort to look nice for your DP sometimes? All it takes is a comb through your hair, touch of make up and perfume.
I would hate it if DP didn't look after himself and never make an effort to look nice.

No problem at all as long as it is about ordinary self-respect. But it becomes a problem when a relationship is seen as totally dependent on the woman (and only the woman) keeping up the facade at all times.

When dd was a small baby and struggling badly to feed (due to undiagnosed genetic condition) and I myself was ill with worry, I went to my GP and poured out my concerns.

Her response was that my first priority must be to go into hospital to have my genital area re-stitched "because the best gift you can give your little girl is a father". In other words, if I was not physically perfect, my husband would be bound to leave me and his sick baby, and that, rather than any damage to our daughter's health, would be the worst possible thing that could happen. My first duty as a mother was not to feed my child, but to stay physically perfect for my husband.

I would say that was a deeply problematic viewpoint.

I am all for a little general- and mutual- grooming; nothing makes you depressed so quickly as a total stop to looking after yourself. As long as there is no assumption that the woman has to work harder, or do things that she feels uncomfortable with, because it is the man who calls the shots.

Am currently on mat leave with 8 mo twins - I change immediately if I got my clothes dirty during the day, not wait until DH was coming home. And I look presentable pretty much all day, hair washed and styled, properly dressed, nails done- for me, not for anyone else.

I cannot believe that people actually put makeup on and squirt perfume in preparation for their DHs arrival from work. Does he freshen his breath before crossing the threshold too? When we've both been working all day, the last thing we want is to get dressed up for absolutely no reason!

What about working wives, should theyfreshen up on the train on the way home to make sure we look fragrant for our DHs when we arrive home? When I worked I often came home after DH and other than changing from his suit into jogging bottoms he wouldn't go to any effort for my arrival, nor would I expect him to.

I cannot believe that people actually put makeup on and squirt perfume in preparation for their DHs arrival from work. Does he freshen his breath before crossing the threshold too?

Yes, he does.

What is this big fuss? He chews minty gum before coming in and I might squirt perfume if it's worn off during the day. The first thing he does when he comes in is kiss me, so he chews gum first.

TBH, I do what I did before I met him and I even wear eye-liner down the Post Office.

My life is not the 1950s, but I do like to keep my usual standards up.

IMO, whatever you did before you met your DH, you should carry on doing. I always wear eyeliner and perfume, always have done.

If you are getting up before him to apply fake tan and straighten your hair and never letting him see you without make up, then yes, there's a problem. If you just like looking and smelling presentable at all times, including for your DH, then, no, there isn't a problem.

There was something in the news recently about birds (tits) who didn't look after the partners anymore when their partner's colours started to fade.

I'm not a tit, but we can learn from nature, and attraction is a big part of it when it comes to mates.

I do like to look good, for me and for MY PARTNER

God knows I'd go off him if he became an unkempt slob.

No, it's not all about looks, but yes, it also is.

I#d say about 80% of the time we make the effort for each other. He's clean shaven, wears aftershave and clean clothes, I wear clean clothes, do my hair and make up etc. We've both seen each other look like utter crap many many times, but I don't think it hurts to keep a bit of the romance alive and make an effort to look nice. It's not like I frantically run around trying to get ready before he comes home, but if I've got 5 minutes spare, I will tidy myself up a bit. He sits at a desk all day so not much tidying is needed really, but he does get changed into clean clothes and freshen up when he gets home after work.

If that makes me anti-feminist in your eyes; I could try and give less of a crap, but I don't think it's possible.

A marriage is a partnership, and sometimes that means making a bit of an extra effort. If he was a total slob and never bothered to make the effort either, then I wouldn't bother. But we both appreciate fresh breath and not having the other smell of BO.

It's a good point that it works both ways actually.

I went out with someone who had NO standards of personal hygiene whatsoever. His adage was "If you like the person I am , you won't care about whether I've showered or not".

He didn't shower, brush his teeth, change his clothes, or wash. I mean for over a week and then only when prompted. I found this very insulting and felt it showed me a total lack of respect so I ended it.

I think there are extremes to both side of the argument and somewhere in the middle is about right.

Show your self and your partner some respect with basic grooming and cleanliness etc, but don't make the whole thing about appearances only.

There's nothing wrong with WANTING to look nice for your partner...I just think it's silly if you feel you have to or they'll run away...

Scarlett- in a nutshell.