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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think a parent should be the one to care for their child?

100 replies

themaltbycrew · 26/06/2012 21:50

Ive been having a rough time lately, and my sister thinks the best way to 'find myself' is to go away with her for the weekend getting drunk and acting like im single.

She says Im the only one she knows of that doesnt like to be away from my children (7, 5 and 2), I am very prepared to have nights out with her while dh babysits, but a whole weekend I just wouldnt enjoy, id miss them too much.

She has 2 children of her own and doesnt think twice at leaving them with their nan for weekends so thinks thats normal. My children only have me or their dad so being left while they are awake would upset them greatly.

Is it normal for parents to go off for whole weekends? Or should i stick to my guns and just care for my kids till their old enough to care for themselves?

OP posts:

accountantsrule · 27/06/2012 12:58

Totally agree curryspice and squeaky. My friend once said how much her DS screamed on the 2 mornings a week he went to pre-school and how he couldn't cope, I said that my DS was really happy going there etc but that I had always made sure he was happy going to my parents/friends etc from a young age which just means he confident and independent. She said well maybe my DS prefers spending time with me.

She was half joking, I do not consider that DS does not want to spend time with me, he is just well adjusted and we don't make an issue out of going out or away for a weekend. We never spend that long away from them but we had a weeks honeymoon (they were in the next hotel and we bumped into them most days) but I don't think it makes us bad parents, it works well for us.

I am afraid to admit I do judge a little when children are extremely clingy (over 3 or 4 yrs old) as often you can see why, this is not necessarily the case for the OP before anyone flames me but for instance my friend is very insecure with going out, she won't even go to a daytime thing without the kids, she hated school as was too nervous and seems to assume that her DS will be the same so she puts words into his mouth about being worried etc.

Piccalilli2 · 27/06/2012 13:09

My dds (6 and 4) probably have 2-4 sleepovers a year at Granny and Grandad's, they think it's a huge treat. We've left them a couple of times because we were attending a child-free wedding, once just because they wanted to sleepover and a couple of times so dh and I could do something together (40th party, gig finishing late in another city). We live very close to my parents though so the kids are very used to spending time with them.
If you don't want to leave your kids, fine. Equally there's absolutely nothing wrong with other family/friends looking after them every once in a while so long as they're happy with that arrangement - mine tend to wave me off with a cheery smile since staying with Granny is a treat-fest with fewer rules and later bedtime. I've never left them more than 2 nights in a row even with dh though and I don't think I'd want to - they'd be fine but I'd miss them too much. I might have to next year though as the only way we can manage the school holidays is if dh and I take separate time off so he'll probably take the dds to his parents for a week.

wordfactory · 27/06/2012 13:11

I'd go so far as to sy it's imperative that your DC learn to cope without you.

You nver know when circumstances might dictate that you can't be at home: a family crisis elsewhere, a transport mishap, a stay in hospital...

marge2 · 27/06/2012 13:24

Personally I would not have wanted to leave DSs when they were 2 year olds for the weekend. Overnight maybe, but not a weekend. My DSs have been left for a max of three nights with my Mum in the school summer hols, as both DH and I work and can't cover the whole 6 weeks between us. She has a holiday home 100 miles away from where we all live, altough she lives near us most of the year and picks them up from school for me once a week and looks after them till I get back from work.. She goes off to her 2nd home for the summers. I have gone back to work full time recently, so Mum has offered to have them from Sunday night to Friday night at her other place , while DH and I have to work in our home area. They love my Mum and they love the holiday place and know it well too. They are 9 and 7 now, so I feel comfy with it. Would never have left them that long when they were very little and only do it now out of necessity. Although Dh and I do quite enjoy the peace the week they are with my Mum.

knowitallstrikesagain · 27/06/2012 13:24

YABU.

You seem to think the only options are to be a mum and devote every moment to your children, or to be single and carefree.

It is possible to be a great mum/dad AND to have an active social life while the children get the experience of being with and bonding with other trusted, important adults in their lives.

That is not to say YABU for not wanting to go away for a weekend, that is your choice. But you seem to have a real chip on your shoulder about parents who also go out and have fun, leaving children with GPs. Is that because you feel you can't do that because your children would scream? Or because you think that it is wrong to leave your children with GPs or other adults?

CurrySpice · 27/06/2012 13:24

accountantsrule I know people like that too. It says more about their own insecurities than their DCs' :( and they then often project those insecurities onto their DC. When challenged about it they insinuate that their children are clingy because they love them more than your kids love you. One of my big bugbears

accountantsrule · 27/06/2012 13:29

Exactly, when my friend said that to me about her DS wanting to be with her more than mine did it actually didn't bother me as I knew it wasn't true.

GeekCool · 27/06/2012 13:43

My DS is currently at his Grandparents for a week. They asked if he would like a wee holiday with them and he really wanted to. He's 4. I miss him like crazy, as does DH but he's having an absolute blast. In August, before he starts school he is going with his Gran (dh's mum) to a caravan for a week. Again, it will be hard for us but he loves spending time with her.

IF he was with us, it would be another week of pre-school, so why not. DH and I are both working as usual so it's not a jolly for us.

soozeedol · 27/06/2012 13:49

it's probably about remembering that before you had DC's you had girlie nights and evenings out, interests and maybe hobbies, you were an individual and had that fulfilled in many ways life....

Maybe you need to think about finding yourself again and a healthy attitude to separation from your children is a good thing for you and them....
how would they cope if you had to go into hosp or something...it would be far easier if they have been used to staying over night or being looked after by other family members or babysitters....and you would be more interesting if you did things beyond childcare...had time for yourself and allowed yourself to be nourished by different things besides your parenting.....

Maybe you are coveting this role to the exclusion of others who would love to spend more time with the DC's too....DH might really want to be able to be with his DC's more on his own without you organising, monitoring and being in charge of everything... and maybe alot of DH's need this...we expect them to be great dads' but maybe they often don't really get the chance to be, practice being, etc with their DC's

Maybe you need to make yourself start doing things away from your DC's...it might take a while to feel you are enjoying your own company and appreciating what your sisters' meaning actually is...

Happiness is a mixed sprinkling of many things, you can do a lot more than be a parent....you can value many things and find that you are a better person all round for it....

That's how I see it....and I get completely mental if I find myself with nothing more to talk about than DC's all the time.....it gets very boring after a while!!

Hopandaskip · 27/06/2012 16:07

kids can be clingy regardless of what you do, I don't judge a parent for it. I have one that was super confident in that respect (but shy in most others) and one who was like cling film. Nothing to do with not leaving him, we tried, he just didn't cope well. Once he turned 5 things improved a great deal in that respect but before that he really struggled with it, especially at his preschool that he loved.

D0oinMeCleanin · 27/06/2012 16:13

'to think a parent should be the one to care for their child' - YABU but even if you were not BU a parent would be caring for their child, even if you went away. DH is their parent too, no?

Mrsjay · 27/06/2012 16:19

has the OP come back to the thread ?

Pandemoniaa · 27/06/2012 16:25

I dont know how you can jus switch off from being a mum and live the single life

You never do switch off. But being a mother is just part of who you are. My dcs are grown up but I shall being their mother for the rest of my life. This doesn't (and didn't) mean clinging onto them either. Instead, the part of me that is their mother sits happily alongside all the other aspects that make up me.

You don't have to abandon one for the other. But I'd strongly advise you to test your own independence a little. It won't hurt your children but it might be just what you need given the rough time you've been having.

TheSurgeonsMate · 27/06/2012 16:27

She did. She said that she realised that her title was unreasonable, and made some observations which would suggest that it wouldn't be possible for DH or grandparents to look after the children, and tried to move the discussion on to her feelings about her sister. Not many people have read that post, it seems.

Mrsjay · 27/06/2012 16:32

I will try to find it i missed it obviously

jamdonut · 27/06/2012 16:48

I think that if you don't leave them,occasionally,with someone else, children WILL be clingy. I've never worried about leaving mine,but then they have always been happy to be left with grandparents etc, as they always get spoiled rotten....as I did when I was young, by my grandparents.
I don't think for a minute that going away on a weekend means you have abandoned being "Mummy",you are bound to think about them, that is natural, but try not to worry...they might cry when you leave, but I'll bet you anything that won't last long, and ,of course, they'll be pleased to see you, on your return!
Go away, have fun, then come back to what you love being best.

By the way...how long till you think they can care for themselves? Are you talking 5years,13 or 18 ?

And also...you say your sister leaves her kids at their nan's...is that not your mother,also, then?

wannaBe · 27/06/2012 17:07

It's a personal thing. Me and dh have been away for a night or two and left ds with my parents overnight and he's been fine. Two years ago I went away for a week and left ds with dh. I was completely paranoid that they wouldn't manage without me but as it happened his world didn't stop turning just because I'd taken myself out of it for a week, so last year I went away for the same week.

It doesn't have to be about going out and getting pissed, it's about retaining your identity as much as allowing the children to grow in their own world with the people around them.

And if you don't go out now you will find that you will get to a time when the kids are older and don't need you so much and suddenly you will realise that you've forgotten how to be you because you've never allowed yourself to be you while you had kids.

And being blunt now, but pandering to a child who is very clingy and not prepared to leave you is not going to do them any favours in the long term. You do need to push those boundaries a little bit and get the child to go to other people without you, because you never know when a situation could arise where they might have to do that unplanned.

germyrabbit · 27/06/2012 17:11

i'd never expect grandparents to babysit overnight unless really inavoidable. it's taking the pee imo and although it may be 'normal' for people to do it alot (now) doesn't mean everyone thinks it's a good idea

SusanneLinder · 27/06/2012 17:16

Yes of course parents should take care of their own children. IMO when you have your kids, you should never EVER leave them at any time with anyone. It is your job to devote all your time to the little darlings untill they are at least 30 and you can wean them from the breast.

As a mum, you should stay at home with your children and not work. I never ever allowed my children to go to school either, as they should never be out of my sight.

All of you that abandon, yes ABANDON your children, to go nights out and weekends away-well I really have no idea why you had children. You should all be ashamed of yourselves.

:o:o:o:o:o

WilsonFrickett · 27/06/2012 19:50

I am very, very ashamed Susanne.

So ashamed I have booked a spa weekend to get over the shame.

Oh...

Portofino · 27/06/2012 20:04

My next door neighbour's kids go every year for the entire summer holidays (9 weeks) to their GPs in the South of France. The parents spent what holiday they can with them - so maybe 4 weeks. We were staying not far away last summer so went to visit for the day. Dds were having a whale of a time. Why should they not? It is family, not an orphanage.

accountantsrule · 27/06/2012 20:23

germyrabbit I don't think there are many people who 'expect' grandparents to babysit. My parents do it because they love spending time with their grandchildren and they are more than happy to have them overnight if we ask. Sometimes they say no if they can't which is of course fine.

I think it was more normal many years ago for grandparents to have their GCs more often, in fact I remember frequently hearing stories of when older members of my family stayed with GPs for a month abroad etc in the summer holidays. These days there are fewer extended families I believe, most of my friends parents live miles away so the GPs are never around whereas my nan and her family lived right next to each other for years.

WilsonFrickett · 27/06/2012 20:24

And now I'm jealous of Porto's friends. Shame and jealousy, it's a heady combination. May need

PizzaSlut · 27/06/2012 20:52

Neither of U are being unresonable, as others have said its whats right for your family.

DH is their parent as well as you, as long as he is happy to do it. I feel so much better and able to cope after my bi annual weekend away with the girls.

Portofino · 27/06/2012 21:11

Wilson - they are lovely and the village and the food was great! I wanted them to adopt me, but they were having none of it.

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