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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think a parent should be the one to care for their child?

100 replies

themaltbycrew · 26/06/2012 21:50

Ive been having a rough time lately, and my sister thinks the best way to 'find myself' is to go away with her for the weekend getting drunk and acting like im single.

She says Im the only one she knows of that doesnt like to be away from my children (7, 5 and 2), I am very prepared to have nights out with her while dh babysits, but a whole weekend I just wouldnt enjoy, id miss them too much.

She has 2 children of her own and doesnt think twice at leaving them with their nan for weekends so thinks thats normal. My children only have me or their dad so being left while they are awake would upset them greatly.

Is it normal for parents to go off for whole weekends? Or should i stick to my guns and just care for my kids till their old enough to care for themselves?

OP posts:

Bonsoir · 27/06/2012 07:47

It would be good for your DCs to spend a weekend in the care of their father or their grandparents, and it would be good for your to spend a weekend away from them.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 27/06/2012 09:02

It's pretty normal. Whether you want to do it is a different matter. I don't understand the bit about 'only have me or their dad'.... that's one more parent than a lot of kids.

porcamiseria · 27/06/2012 09:07

OP I have had no time or money or babysitter to socialise recently, and I kind of bought into a "story" that I did not mind as I wanted to be with my kids, IFSWIM??

Look do what you want, and I understand what you feel

But try and think about YOU and what makes you happy/made you happy before kids xxx

mumto2andnomore · 27/06/2012 09:24

I love my weekends away as does dh, sometimes separately and sometimes together when grandparents look after the children. Sometimes it's nice to have a break and feel a bit more like the person you were before you had children ! Don't knock it till you've tried it !

wordfactory · 27/06/2012 09:30

A weekend away is wonderful! Especially with yor DH!

Children have a wonderful time with their grandparents.

PenisVanLesbian · 27/06/2012 09:33

YABU. Presumably your seven year old goes to school? They can clearly cope without you and its good for children to see their parents have lives too.

DunkyWhorey · 27/06/2012 09:45

I am going to Australia for 10 days (well that includes travelling time which eats up about 3 days) in August on my own, without my children (3 and 5) or DH, who will be in sole charge of them whilst I am gone.

I will miss them greatly - it will be hard - but I am comforted by the fact that they are with DH, who they would like to see more of (he travels a lot for work) and he will be taking them to visit their grandparents (his parents) whilst I am away visiting mine.

The alternative was to spend £6k on us all going over there - but at this age, its still not a "holiday" to take preschoolers over to Australia (more the jetlag aspect than the flight itself but that is also very hard and gets you on a major sleep defecit before you even begin) and my parents had seen them recently at Christmas, so we figure the money is best saved for an "actual" holiday somewhere closer, and for me to see my family and more importantly my new niece on my own.

Its no different really than my DH being away on a long business trip - except its not business, it is "family" which in my opinion is just as important, if not more so.

I haven't seen my brother for years.

So its complicated circumstances.

As for going off for a weekend to live the single life so to speak, if its not your bag then I can see why you would hesitate. But I don't think your children would mind if they were with their dad and you were having a good time I really dont.

And you will/are getting slated for using the "babysitting" term but we use this term, not in relation to DH necessarily, but when one of us "has" to look after the children on our own (sole charge) because the other is doing something elsewhere, therefore the remaining parent has the children to consider before making other commitments - they are "babysitting" so to speak, and we tend to use the term if its a weekend or evening when we would usually "both" be around but circumstances dictate that one of us is not. Its actually much easier to use that one descriptive word than it is to go into detail about why one cannot make off the cuff plans or come and go as they please due to being in sole charge of the children at a time where they would usually have their partner to fall back on - male or female. Don't know why people get soooooo arsey about the use of this term in that context!

waterlego6064 · 27/06/2012 11:04

It sounds as though you don't want to OP, and if it would mean someone other than OH or grandparents looking after the DCsl then I would probably reluctant too.

However, I think your title is unreasonable. I LOVED staying with my grandparents as a child and, as a result, developed a close relationship with them which endured into my adulthood. They were important role models to me, just as my parents were. My DCs love staying with theior grandparents too and will probably do so for a weekend next year so that OH and I can go to Florence to celebrate out 10th anniversary.

When my DCs were 4 and 2, I went to Norway to stay with a friend for a long weekend. My OH looked after the DCs at home and they all had a great time. I had the most relaxing weekend I had had in years. Nothing to do with heavy drinking or acting like a singleton. Being able to travel without a rucksack full of snacks and toys was so liberating. As was having lie-ins, going for relaxing swims, sightseeing, sunbathing beside lakes, having dinner out.... Bliss. I returned a new woman!

Mrsjay · 27/06/2012 11:33

their dad is their parent not just you , I didnt go away when mine were little just didnt have the babysitters really if i did i would have, your children are not babies and i would imagine going away would be fun i was always a bit jealous of people who had weekends without kids , your sil isnt neglecting her kids on that point YABU,

takingiteasy · 27/06/2012 11:42

There is no norm, just what you're happy with. My ds is 6 I've had 6 weekends away including 2 hen do's one honeymoon 2 girls weekends away and 1 dirty one! I've had countless nights where ds is at granny's, some spent out withdh, some spent in with dh and some out with my friends. Ds probably goes away once every 5 weeks to a granny's house.

I'll also go out when dh stays home and vice versa.

It works for us, ds adores his time with granny and the boys nights with dad.

accountantsrule · 27/06/2012 11:46

I think it is completely normal to go away for a weekend when you have children but it is also common that people don't due to one reason or another.

If you're not happy to do it then don't as its your decision, although I am surprised that at 7 your child would be upset at being with anyone other than you or their dad, it seems a bit odd, even the others should be ok surely especially as their dad would be there?

accountantsrule · 27/06/2012 11:47

ooh just noticed in your OP - DH's do NOT babsit!!

Vondo · 27/06/2012 11:51

My DS's (10 & 3) love staying with their grandparents.

In fact for a week in August and a week in October we are the ones being left at home while they go off on holiday with their GP's - my DS's love spending time with my parents.

It is perfectly fine for you not to want to leave them, as others have said different people do things differently but you also sound like you don't think its normal for parents to want some adult time without their beloved DC - it is and can sometimes be a godsend!

Sidge · 27/06/2012 11:54

Well it's not compulsory to spend a night or two away from your children but it's OK to stretch the umbilical cord a little.

I do wonder if the "I've never been away from my child for more than 6 hours" brigade have much of a sense of self-worth. One can be a damn good parent and spend time away from their children; personally I'm a better mum if I have a bit of time out for me occasionally (usually once or twice a year). One doesn't have to "act like a single person" and get blind drunk but I think it's healthy to cultivate your own interests and friendships away from your children.

LadyClariceCannockMonty · 27/06/2012 11:55

I'm not sure why you call having a weekend away, drinking and having fun 'acting like im single'. People with kids/partners/other responsibilities can and have the right to have fun too.

So YABU if you think that when someone has kids they have to give up other ways of socialising. Maybe a weekend away would be a laugh and do you good?

DowagersHump · 27/06/2012 11:57

In the scenario you describe, a parent would be caring for their child wouldn't they? Or isn't your husband as much of a parent as you are?

squeakytoy · 27/06/2012 11:58

"My children have been babysat before by family members but always while they are sleeping. My youngest is very clingy and will scream around anyone that isnt our household or my dad"

Then to be honest, you are creating that problem, because your children are not being allowed to learn to socialise without you.

FunnysInLaJardin · 27/06/2012 12:00

YANBU. I work FT and want to spend my free time with my DC who are 2 and 6. I would loathe a grils weekend on the piss. It's not who I am anymore, or ever was actually

Margerykemp · 27/06/2012 12:01

Oh you'd hate me then! I've left my DCs for longer than a weekend more times than I can count. No shame here.

WilsonFrickett · 27/06/2012 12:08

I dont know how you can jus switch off from being a mum

I haven't switched off from being a friend, partner, professional, sister, bridesmaid, daughter or anything else either. Sometimes that means leaving my DS.

Meh, honestly do what's right for you, I'm not judging you, and I certainly don't think that you should leave your kids to go drinking with your sister if that's not the kind of thing you like doing.

But one thing I do know.

One day your kids will leave home.

Laquitar · 27/06/2012 12:11

I had something similar, a friend insists that i must go to a spa weekend. The reason i'm not going is because i don't like spa weekends, not because i'm Mum Of The Year. Regardless of dcs do you want a weekend away with your sister? Maybe its not your cup of tea, which is fine.

The children should be fine with their dad for 2 days.

pjmama · 27/06/2012 12:45

My DCs are a similar age to yours. Once a year I have a week in Greece with my friends and my DH takes care of the kids with help from grandparents. He does the same. Whilst being a parent is marvellous, it's also bloody hard work and there's nothing wrong with taking a break once in a while to recharge. 7 days on a sunlounger with a book and a G&T once a year keeps me sane

CurrySpice · 27/06/2012 12:49

Squeaky that sentence made me clamp my hand to my mouth as well.

I am happy to have well-rounded, confident, independent kids who love spending time with my mom or sister or at brownie camp or wherever, rather than clinging to me and screaming if anyone else comes near them!

I don't think that sounds healthy at all

Ephiny · 27/06/2012 12:54

Your sister is surely just trying to help and probably thinks you could do with a break. YANBU not to go if you don't want to or don't think you'd enjoy it, of course.

Your title is unreasonable though. Are you suggesting that a parent who does go for a weekend away doesn't 'care for their child'? (assuming children left with dad or nan or other responsible person, not just abandoned!)

Ephiny · 27/06/2012 12:58

I guess what I'm trying to say is YANBU to do whatever you want, but YABU to make sweeping generalisations about what 'a parent should' do.

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