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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to feel sad that friend is happy to be separated from her newborn for first 3 nights

543 replies

Whoneedssleepanyway · 26/06/2012 14:34

My friend is due to have DC2 in a few weeks and after a very bad labour resulting in some problems for her DS, she has booked into a private hospital for an elective CS.

I w her the other day and she said the hospital insist she stays in 3 nights and it is brilliant as they will take the baby to the nursery all night for her so she can sleep and will feed the baby for her as she doesn't intend to BF.

I didn't pass comment as this is up to her but I can't help feeling a bit sad that her baby won't be with its mum for the first 3 nights of its life but will be with some stranger, both my DDs slept with me (on my chest) for first 3 nights.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Shagmundfreud · 27/06/2012 14:49

"the competition). In the past it was accepted that a bit of rest may help you be a better mother"

Yes - because those of us who believe it's better if babies and mothers can be kept together if possible for the few few days after birth ARE saying that mothers should get no help whatsoever at that time or any other, and should wear their martyr's badge with pride.

Hmm
Shagmundfreud · 27/06/2012 14:53

"It's luffly being a mammal..."

But you are a mammal LeQueen. And your baby is a creature of pure instinct. It is instinct to protect your baby and to keep them near. Also to put their needs above your own. I appreciate though that if you put a bit of work in to it, you can trample these instincts down until they're barely noticeable.

LtEveDallas · 27/06/2012 14:57

that's what would happen to babies in the unit I used to work in, if the mother requested some rest - there was no nursery, no nursery nurses and if anyone was required to give the baby their first bottle feed, they'd snaffle any old support worker to sit in the corner by a computer and do it

Ah. Now I understand. Your experiences have coloured your views. As have mine.

Well the baby in the OP does have a nursery to go in and does have dedicated staff to look after it. So that's alright then.

TantrumsAndBalloons · 27/06/2012 15:10

Exactly that. There is a nursery
There are dedicated staff, the babies are not sitting under flouresent (sp) lights or whatever.

So what's the next reason that's it is such a horrific thing?

As for putting the mothers needs before the baby, that bullshit.
The baby will have his needs met, during the day by mum and a few hours at night by the nurse.

TantrumsAndBalloons · 27/06/2012 15:13

Exactly that. There is a nursery
There are dedicated staff, the babies are not sitting under flouresent (sp) lights or whatever.

So what's the next reason that's it is such a horrific thing?

As for putting the mothers needs before the baby, that bullshit.
The baby will have his needs met, during the day by mum and a few hours at night by the nurse.

Cynner · 27/06/2012 15:17

It is my feeling the op posted this to elicit comments. Apparently, she got all up in her girl when many comments blasted her for being a self righteous moo.
I am truly amazed at other poster's being VERY certain their ideas on what constitutes good mummying is correct above all others. How very smug.You must be a pleasure at the tot's group. I am sure all the other mothers are thrilled when you trot out your parenting expertise.
People make choices based on their beliefs, experiences, education, and resources.
Although, as a social worker I had the opportunity to really make judgements about other's parenting skills, and that WAS loads of fun..

Chubfuddler · 27/06/2012 15:20

I've had a vb and an elective cs. The labour leading up to the vb was exhausting. I was at my physical limit and even though I was actually in no danger, thought I was going to die. The Elcs was a breeze.

But after the vb I was strolling about within hours and had full make up on. After the cs I could barely move. So to say "shell hardly have been through hours of labour" makes you sound a little bit ignorant about what a cs does to you. Even a nice tidy elective one.

ginandslimline · 27/06/2012 15:32

I think I have a little MN crush on Shag Blush - you talk so much sense.

Anyways, I am getting out of this debate as it seems that there are far too many posters who cannot and will not accept that a well baby does actually need contact with his mother and that removing a well baby to a nursery to be looked after by midwives is not ideal.

Each to your own and if you choose to have your baby taken to a nursery so you can sleep then that is your choice and I would try my hardest not to judge you for it. But I wouldn't try and pretend that it is the right thing to do.

glastocat · 27/06/2012 15:32

So to say "shell hardly have been through hours of labour" makes you sound a little bit ignorant about what a cs does to you. Even a nice tidy elective one.

Well I did thirteen hours of back labour and then had an emergency CS under GA. So you don't know what you are talking about.

Mrsjay · 27/06/2012 15:33

By the time this thread ends the OP friend will have had her baby and be home Grin

Cynner · 27/06/2012 15:35

Well of course because others here are talking loads of trash about there experiences and choices. I will try not to judge you for being a twit, even if it is the right thing to do..

Cynner · 27/06/2012 15:36

their..not there..

jen127 · 27/06/2012 15:38

Op that is exactly what I did when I had my DS.
I had a C- section and this worked for both me and the baby!
Different strokes for different folks and all that!

higgle · 27/06/2012 15:43

I have found, with my two, that having to start being a mother from the minute the baby is delivered is very hard work. When I had my second I hoped very much that he would not be born in the night as that would mean no sleep that night and having to start the routine without any rest. Personaly I'd have liked to have one night without having to care for my sons to get ready for the weeks and months that followed, but three days would have been too much. I have always had a really good relationship with my lovely caring mother. When I was born like most first time mothers she stayed in for 10 days, the baby slept in the nursery and was brought to the mother to be fed, then taken back. She thinks the present system is totally barbaric and that too much pressure is put on mothers to do too much too soon.

bettybat · 27/06/2012 15:44

ginsandlime me too and yourself as well. You've both articulated the same ideas I couldn't - that all this defensiveness is acting as a massive filter for some of you.

Cynner · 27/06/2012 15:48

Also, please do save your sadness for babies really in crisis..I can go through my cases and discuss: 7 mos. old shaken so hard, her brain was damaged permanently, 1 yr old burned with cig because she took extra piece of sausage, newborn abandoned because of disabilities..3 yr old raped by mum's boyfriend..shall I continue?

worldgonecrazy · 27/06/2012 15:50

YANBU to feel sad about it. I feel sad for your friend that she hasn't had the support to allow her mothering instincts to blossom.

LtEveDallas · 27/06/2012 15:53

too many posters who cannot and will not accept that a well baby does actually need contact with his mother

Why does a well baby need contact with his mother, but an unwell baby does not?

What will happen to a baby that does not have contact with its mother?

In what ways will a baby be effected by being in a cot in a nursery, or HDU rather than in a cot next to its mother?

Chubfuddler · 27/06/2012 16:03

I'm not sure what you are trying to say glastocat. I'm not suggesting for a moment a crash cs isn't awful. Do you think I am? But after an Elcs you've still had surgery and your mobility is severely compromised. Do you think that isn't the case?

CherryBlossom27 · 27/06/2012 16:04

For what it's worth OP, I can see where you're coming from. I slept about 10-15 minutes the first night DS was born as I just couldn't take my eyes off of him! I do wish someone had told me to shut my eyes and sleep whilst I could though!

I agree with Thymeout's post about caring for new mums too!

Shagmundfreud · 27/06/2012 16:04

"Well the baby in the OP does have a nursery to go in and does have dedicated staff to look after it. So that's alright then."

Do the 'dedicated staff' (who are probably maternity support workers or nursery nurses) give the babies skin to skin contact then? Sit and hold them for hours on end on their chests? Because this is what most babies would probably choose I suspect.

"this worked for both me and the baby!"

From a baby's point of view, how does being separated from its mother and being fed by a stranger with formula milk improve the experience of immediate postnatal life? Above being cuddled by his or her mother and fed on colostrum?

Also - when a baby is actually awake after birth (and admittedly there is often a lot of sleeping going on initially), one of the things they do is stare and stare and stare at their mothers faces. And turn instinctively towards the sound of her voice. How is it for a baby to be passed from person to person - everyone smelling different, sounding different, looking different. Being held against a nylon uniform that maybe smells of smoke, or perfume, or deodorant or alcohol hand rub? Searching faces it will never get to see again.

"I am truly amazed at other poster's being VERY certain their ideas on what constitutes good mummying is correct above all others."

Actually we know pretty much what constitutes optimal care for newborns. The fact that some parents (myself included - I have got many things wrong as a parent) can't or won't provide this, sometimes (often) through no fault of their own, is a fact of life and something we all have to accept.

But to make formal arrangements for providing this suboptimal care in hospital for the most vulnerable humans, usually for institutional reasons (can't be arsed to provide enough midwives to give women the postnatal support which would meet their care needs, while also supporting them to nurture their newborn babies) rather than for social and medical reasons - well, I think it's insupportable. Sad

madwomanintheattic · 27/06/2012 16:09

Won't be affected at all, eve.

But that doesn't tie in with the current 'mother as martyr' and 'baby is the most important being in the world' parenting culture. it's an effective way to keep women in the nursery, though. And gives us all a nice warm feeling that we are doing the right thing by our children and families, and contributing in a positive way to the world. Which we are, of course, but you can go a bit too far in swallowing all of this stuff without question.

I'm all for baby wearing. All for cosleeping. All for whatever floats your particular parenting boat. But three nights in a hospital nursery, with the staff bringing you the baby if it gets upset or needs feeding, is really going to have absolutely no effect on the baby at all, in a positive or negative way.

If you are a particular nervous woman, it might have an effect on you, which might have a brief knock on effect on the baby (it might be a tad more difficult to settle at the time), but other than that?

Biscuit
porcamiseria · 27/06/2012 16:11

what a bloody storm in a teacup

that said, like others I slept not a wink and just gazed at my hungry big baby and ate shortbread

it was lovely actually

whereas after DS1, shudders, I would have LOVED a too-posh-to-push birth

porcamiseria · 27/06/2012 16:12

and cyner has a point

what about poor little prem babies, aint no flesh to flesh for them

perceptionreality · 27/06/2012 16:13

YABU - absolutely none of your business.

How would you feel if she criticised your parenting?