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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

husband not coming back when says he will

63 replies

Dref · 26/06/2012 13:46

Hello everyone-I am new to this forum! I am newly married but been living with husband for 3 years. Last week for three nights in a row we went out separately but had an arrangement for time we'd be home. Each time he was later than he said by 2 hours. I saw this as 'reasonable' on the thurs and fri eve as he was down pub with friends. But on third eve it was a week night and the arrangement was that he'd be back. It went like this and I'd like to know if anyone else would find this annoying/upsetting/inconsiderate?:

husband: 3pm-I've got to go out and I'll be 2 hours (work thing)
me: ok, remember you said you'd cook dinner tonight, I'm working (teaching music) from 5 till 9pm-no time to cook.
husband: text at 6pm-I'll be half an hour coming home.
me: 6.45pm husband not home and I twig he's in pub and feel very miffed about dinner arrangement.

He was very defensive when I rang. He apologised for not being back or texting. Said he thought I was teaching until 8pm and would be back by then to cook. So why say your going to be 2 hours then? Why not say, I'm going to be two hours but may go for a drink and get specific facts about timing.

He also lunched out of my cousins dinner on the Saturday because he was so hungover from Friday. That annoyed me a bit too.

I want to be relaxed about things like this but I was annoyed. Am I being unreasonable to have been pissed off last night?

OP posts:
Whatnamethistime · 26/06/2012 13:48

Yes because you weren't even in. It's a bit much to demand he us home when you aren't as long as he did do the cooking/provide take away

wineandroses · 26/06/2012 13:52

YANBU, he is. It is rude and inconsiderate - he's not taking account of the fact that you might be worried about him. And why is he being defensive because you phoned him? 'Cos he feels guilty, that's why.

I think you need an agreement about what's acceptable behaviour to you/him and what's not, and that him lying about what time he'll be home is what teenagers do, not grown-ups.

DressDownFriday · 26/06/2012 13:59

YANBU.

DH does this all the time. I now add an extra hour or 2 to whatever time he gives me. After 20 years together I can longer be bothered to get bothered by it.

CockyPants · 26/06/2012 14:02

Change the locks. Go on strike. Now that you are married he is treating you mean to keep you keen....

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 26/06/2012 14:10

YABU - the last person to give me a time to be home for was my mum!!

squeakytoy · 26/06/2012 14:12

You were working so why should he have to be home... YABU

canikickit · 26/06/2012 14:12

my xh behaved like this, because he is an alcoholic. And they lie all the time about when they will be home and what they are doing. Even if they dont need to lie

snuffaluffagus · 26/06/2012 14:13

I don't give my husband curfews and I don't he doesn't give me them.. we're both adults. If he was going to be late and I would be worrying where he was, I would expect a text.. but otherwise I wouldn't be overly bothered!

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 26/06/2012 14:14

...and as long as he did what he said he would do....ie dinner...what does it matter - you werent even there!

Original poster
Dref · 26/06/2012 14:16

Hi Whatnamethistime,

I was in-I teach from home. Had between 7-8 to have dinner. Neither of us like eating late. As it happened we finished dinner at 10.30pm because he didn't stick to the plan...

OP posts:
Original poster
Dref · 26/06/2012 14:17

I didn't give him a time home. We agreed he'd make dinner and anyway, he agreed his own time home - 2 hours instead of 3 hours later than that.

OP posts:
Whatnamethistime · 26/06/2012 14:19

Ah I see - I thought you were out workIng 5-9, now it makes sense why you were upset. So no YANBU.

Original poster
Dref · 26/06/2012 14:22

I WAS there - please read my post more carefully. WE arranged a dinner plan - he'd cook and the time I have to eat with him is between 7-8pm.

My point is about his communication and silly white lie about leaving then to be back in half an hour when 45 mins later he was still in the pub.

And if you read my post you'll see we DO go out independently so I am not giving curfews or any such like

OP posts:
BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 26/06/2012 14:25

I WAS there - please read my post more carefully

Aaah, I'm getting it now...you're a music teacher and this is how you talk to your pupils......nowhere on your OP did you say you were there!!

If this is how you talk to your DH I suspect this is why he doesnt bother coming home on time!

ENormaSnob · 26/06/2012 14:26

Yanbu but you do sound a little regimented

Original poster
Dref · 26/06/2012 14:29

Thanks whatnamethistime. He has said he will communicate by text from now on...got a feeling this will crop up again though. He is 38 and got married to me this year but only had ONE other relationship at uni for around 3 years! He's been a singleton for most his adult life! (good looking sweet guy-just been shy with ladies)

OP posts:
Original poster
Dref · 26/06/2012 14:31

Wow your a quick to extrapolate Betty Swollock...

Got outstanding at OFSTED thanks..Mum's love me as instrumental teacher thanks...

That night sounds bit regimented in isolation but it's the wider context. He was late three nights running and lunched out of my cousins dinner (which was a post wedding visit to a guest too...)

OP posts:
AmberLeaf · 26/06/2012 14:32

I think YABU

Even if I'd made loose dinner plans I'd not expect it to be an issue if I changed them.

This reminds me of my mum going ape if I was home late for tea.

ScarletLadyOfTheNight01 · 26/06/2012 14:33

YANBU to be annoyed...my DH does this from time to time and in fact I posted an AIBU the other night about his definition of "won't be long". I'm sure there was no malice in it...he probably just got carried away. It is annoying though, I feel your pain!

AmberLeaf · 26/06/2012 14:34

Maybe he keeps being 'late home' because he doesn't expect as an adult to have a curfew?

EdithWeston · 26/06/2012 14:37

YANBU: it's pretty basic to let people know how long you'll be out for, and if there is a major change to your plans to give a new eta. It just means that you don't cause worry and dire prognostications when you are 2 hours late.

This isn't, btw, the same as seeking permission for activities, just the basic courtesies of co-habitation.

CurrySpice · 26/06/2012 14:38

It's very slightly only-just-enough-to-ruffle-the-surface irritating. But not really annoying. Think you need to relax a bit tbh

ScarletLadyOfTheNight01 · 26/06/2012 14:38

The reason I get annoyed in similar situations is not because I mind what time he's home...I really don't...it's more because if he was going to be late back or his plans change while he's out, I'd rather know so I can stop expecting him home at a certain time. I'm a born worrier, so all I would ask for is consideration of that.

Viviennemary · 26/06/2012 14:43

I think you are being a bit unreasonable. My Dad was very regimented about meal times and my mum used to say do you want me to clock in and clock out. It never did much good though.

chipmunksex · 26/06/2012 14:43

What does 'lunched out of dinner' mean, please?

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