husband not coming back when says he will

[Dref]

Hello everyone-I am new to this forum! I am newly married but been living with husband for 3 years. Last week for three nights in a row we went out separately but had an arrangement for time we'd be home. Each time he was later than he said by 2 hours. I saw this as 'reasonable' on the thurs and fri eve as he was down pub with friends. But on third eve it was a week night and the arrangement was that he'd be back. It went like this and I'd like to know if anyone else would find this annoying/upsetting/inconsiderate?:

husband: 3pm-I've got to go out and I'll be 2 hours (work thing)
me: ok, remember you said you'd cook dinner tonight, I'm working (teaching music) from 5 till 9pm-no time to cook.
husband: text at 6pm-I'll be half an hour coming home.
me: 6.45pm husband not home and I twig he's in pub and feel very miffed about dinner arrangement.

He was very defensive when I rang. He apologised for not being back or texting. Said he thought I was teaching until 8pm and would be back by then to cook. So why say your going to be 2 hours then? Why not say, I'm going to be two hours but may go for a drink and get specific facts about timing.

He also lunched out of my cousins dinner on the Saturday because he was so hungover from Friday. That annoyed me a bit too.

I want to be relaxed about things like this but I was annoyed. Am I being unreasonable to have been pissed off last night?

I always try and think of it as if it was a friend. If I said to my friend I'd be around at 5pm to have a coffee but then sat in the pub with other friends-she'd have reason to feel a bit pissed. People who think YABU - your obviously hearing my posts as controlling etc and I need to let go a bit. But do you really think basic manners to your partner should also go out of the window. Irrespective of whether we need to review the cooking sharing on particular evenings, it was the basic courtesy I was looking for.

lunched out means he didn't come and cancelled hours before. My cuz asked us around on Monday for dinner and we both said yes. He HAS free will in our relationship. He got really pissed on Friday and thurs and then cancelled Sat. Thurs and Fri were spontaneous plan (YES-There is freedom in our relationship) and I even arranged his thurs night out with his mate for him because he was hard to get hold of in his studio and only I can get through...

Good manners yes, but I do think you need to be wary of your expectations ending up as you being controlling.

An arrangement to meet up with a friend is really nothing like an adult giving a rough eta for coming home.

One is an appointment of sorts, the other is..well its going home!

I think the reason I expect courtesy, and I do forget this sometimes, is because my DH had an accident years ago (before we were together) which resulted in head trauma. Because of this sometimes he has black-outs and seizures. Therefore if he's later than he says, or I can't get hold of him, I instantly worry. One time he was late, it was because he'd had a fit and was in hospital...so there is reason for my worry. I'm not controlling by nature at all.

Why is she being controlling?

She was working and had an hour for a meal. He said he would be back in time to cook the meal (she didnt tell him to be, he volunteered it) and wasnt. So the OP had a wasted hour, was hungry and let down. He was in the pub and didnt care.

I think he was inconsiderate and selfish.

Thanks bogeyface. I'm not sure why so many people instantly assume the worst of me in this thread.

When I was newly married we didn't have mobile phones, nor a landline (no I haven't been married that long..well, 18yrs.. we just couldn't afford either of them) so dh & I would often go out on our own & come rolling in at some point during the night.

It was never an issue. No one ever promised to cook dinner (we are both capable of that, so didn't feel the need to put it on a rota), whoever was around did it, or we did it together.

Seriously, relax. You will enjoy married life (an possible have a longer one) if you just go with the flow. If you know you are teaching, make something quick to warm through during your break/put the slow cooker on/eat a big lunch & a smaller evening meal etc. Neither of you should be tying the other down so rigidly.

And the blowing off the meal...well it happens doesn't it. Annoying yes, end of world, no.

You are on AIBU, its pretty much par for the course!

If you want a more gentle answer, particularly for relationship type problems go on the Relationships board.

Its very cut and thrust on here, people dont hold back! They also dont always read the OP properly, which annoys me loads!

You need to be brave and accept that there is a 50/50 chance of getting a flaming on AIBU. Oh and also, a pet peeve is when people post "AIBU about X", the consensus is "yes you are" and then the OP spends ages saying "No I am not" and defending themselves. As is often said "Then why ask?" Better to accept your fate gracefully and maybe post somewhere else next time :) :o

"Said he thought I was teaching until 8pm and would be back by then to cook."

So he said he would be back early evening, but wasn't - however this did not all affect your dinner plans because he was still going to be home early enough to cook for you?

YABU. You do sound controlling from this scenario, yes. Maybe you are not, but we only have the info you give us. You are upset your husband isn't at home, even though there is no reason for him to be there :/

dref there are PLENTY of meals she could have whipped up in her break of an hour. A jacket potato takes a few mins in the microwave, an omelet the same, etc etc.

Sorry, I don't buy the 'op was hungry'. You don't not eat because your partner isn't home yet! That's being a martyr!

Sorry, bogeyface, not dref!

:) cheers for the tip. Think I will take it elsewhere next time.

Just had a glance at some of the replies above, seems you didn't explain your situation properly and are now upset people think YABU...

But you are missing the point DIfferent its not about what the OP could have done instead, its about the fact that he said he would do it and didnt.

They both knew that she was free between 7 & 8, they dont like to eat late and he offered to cook. But he would rather be in the pub. I still dont see how the OP is being controlling by simply expecting him to do what he said he would do!

"My husband is working from home and I said I would be home at 6 to get dinner as he has a meal break 7 til 8. But I would rather stay in the pub with my best friend, so AIBU to stay here when he can get himself a jacket potato or something? Oh and I cba to text him to let him know, I am sure he can figure it out when I dont turn up!"

Can you imagine?!

Of course she was regimented. She was teaching lessons to a timetable! She had a small window of opportunity to eat dinner. The arrangement was her dh would be home and cook it but he let her down.

Don't blame her for being hacked off.

Exactly bogeyface!

He offered, I did not make a curfew with a timetable. The reason we arrange dinner in the morning is because he makes little complaining noises when he realises I'm teaching all night and can't cook. He has a take it in turn mentality. This teaching is new and I am constantly reminding him of my evening schedule . So when we arranged that in the morning he didn;t have a work meeting planned for 3-5pm. He had an email to attend this meeting and announced that at just before 3pm.

So I TIED my husband down NOT and put on his LEASH in the morning when I was trying to avoid the customary groan that I couldn't do dinner because I was teaching.

And yes, before anyone mentions it again, we have a slow cooker..

I am not missing the point. She is a grown adult. She can easily fix something to eat if he isn't there. You don't go hungry just because your partner decided to stay in the pub longer than he said he would. Or at least, I wouldn't. Even if he promised to cook that night. I'd just make him do it the next night . Eating at 10.30pm need never have happened.

I know we all hate it, but reverse the roles. A guy on here saying his wife wasn't home to cook him dinner at a set time would be set upon! And told to do it himself. And she would be told to leave him!

And I never said she was controlling. Just that she should relax & chill out a bit.

I've had a rethink Dref. Yes if he promised to cook dinner and didn't then you were not being unreasonable to be annoyed. Nothing to do with the time he got in or didn't. You were working late and he agred to cook the meal.

Not cooking when you are hungry & when you have been let down is daft, 'just because he/she promised to do it'! If a friend promised you dinner but called & said she was ill, would you not eat then too, cos after all, she HAD promised!?

I doubt it.

So he stuffed up. He didn't cook. You had an hour. Plenty of time to fix a meal/snack.

Thanks Viviennemary.

Dref on the whole I think he is being a bit unreasonable

but I have two questions for context

1. how old are you?
2. how different is this behaviour from the last 17 or so years since he left university?

OP seeing as you already knew you were right and are thanking those that agree with you and getting uppity with those that don't, I'm wondering why you asked AIBU in the first place!

I know we all hate it, but reverse the roles. A guy on here saying his wife wasn't home to cook him dinner at a set time would be set upon! And told to do it himself. And she would be told to leave him!

Indeed!

So is this about him not cooking dinner or him being home late?

OP can surely get herself something to eat.

dref
Wonder if he stays out to avoid screechy violins,or similar racket