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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

husband not coming back when says he will

63 replies

Dref · 26/06/2012 13:46

Hello everyone-I am new to this forum! I am newly married but been living with husband for 3 years. Last week for three nights in a row we went out separately but had an arrangement for time we'd be home. Each time he was later than he said by 2 hours. I saw this as 'reasonable' on the thurs and fri eve as he was down pub with friends. But on third eve it was a week night and the arrangement was that he'd be back. It went like this and I'd like to know if anyone else would find this annoying/upsetting/inconsiderate?:

husband: 3pm-I've got to go out and I'll be 2 hours (work thing)
me: ok, remember you said you'd cook dinner tonight, I'm working (teaching music) from 5 till 9pm-no time to cook.
husband: text at 6pm-I'll be half an hour coming home.
me: 6.45pm husband not home and I twig he's in pub and feel very miffed about dinner arrangement.

He was very defensive when I rang. He apologised for not being back or texting. Said he thought I was teaching until 8pm and would be back by then to cook. So why say your going to be 2 hours then? Why not say, I'm going to be two hours but may go for a drink and get specific facts about timing.

He also lunched out of my cousins dinner on the Saturday because he was so hungover from Friday. That annoyed me a bit too.

I want to be relaxed about things like this but I was annoyed. Am I being unreasonable to have been pissed off last night?

OP posts:

FormerlyTitledUntidy · 26/06/2012 16:35

Yabu and controlling. You cannot demand he be home to do dinner, neither can he. He is an adult and as such does not have to be given a curfew even if you think he should.
Also do not post on aibu if you are so sure you are not and don't want to hear otherwise

Original poster

Dref · 26/06/2012 16:45

Hi Amberleaf, it's about him offering to do something and then not doing it. Then getting defensive. Not crime of the century but I didn't say it was. I asked people for their opinions on whether it was unreasonable that I was miffed. It wasn't that unreasonable really. I'm not uppity. I think you'll find the uppity post was Betty Swollock making claims about my teaching.

I agree, if it was a guy all hell would break loose. I think lots of you jumped onto this a bit superficially. You hear me saying: Dinner time; late home and then automatically hear controlling wife.

What I said and others heard was: He offered to do something and so I didn't factor it into my schedule (as also, I've been left with the majority of the 100 thank you cards for wedding as he is so 'busy with work and I was planning to be doing that in my 'hour.') and he didn't consider my time. Also, I forgot to mention this but in the morning we had a reminder (somewehat pissy) email from his Mum saying a her friend was hinting she'd not had a thank you for the financial gift and we both agreed we both needed to be there to write them. I only said that because he was taking so long, even though we had already agreed he'd do his side of the wedding. (EQUAL relationship see). So he left me with the thankyous and making dinner when it'd been arranged that way to finish off this now very overdue task.

I had a choice. Leave the thankyou cards AGAIN or cook dinner (not much shopping in-I'd have got something quick if I'd known). So I wrote the cards and posted them.

Then, what I did was email his Mum back to explain that he was in charge of his family and friends and I would remind him. Guess what, he really didn't like that. Tough.

OP posts:

AmberLeaf · 26/06/2012 17:28

What I said and others heard was

No! You said and some agreed with how you see it, others didn't.

All the other stuff about thank you cards etc-sounds like lots of little things have built up and there is a general feeling of resentment?

What was he like before your wedding?

canikickit · 26/06/2012 19:13

Don't know why you ate getting a hard time op

Dh let you down 4 times in a week!

It's easy to day OP is a nagging moaner from the position of having an honest, equal and reliable marriage; if this would be a 1 off....but it seems like its not

canikickit · 26/06/2012 19:17

And you should not have to constantly remind a grown man of your schedule.....neither should he male little.complaining noises if you can't cook because you are working

Original poster

Dref · 26/06/2012 19:17

I think I am quite resentful. I planned most of the wedding on my own as he was busy. The other day we had this big chat about anniversaries-he thinks I have this intensity surrounding them just cos I want to celebrate them. He said he refused to celebrate them in a commercial way. I challenged him on this as I knew it came from an unhealthy place. Turns out he could only say a card with 'Ruby Anniversary' was cheesy. I agreed the teddy bear ones are not our taste but resisted having anniversaries written out of our relationship. Only been married a month! I said No, I'd like to celebrate them. After getting to the bottom of it he said he also wants to celebrate them. This stems from his parents rubbishing valentines and anniversaries and never having celebrated their anniversaries, say they can't remember when it is (yet always mention they forgot it when the date is a day old). I don't see this as a quirk because before our wedding his Mother told me her and his Dad don't love each other. It was a marriage of convenience. How sad is that. There isn't huge amount of love between them and they don't always respect coupledom in other people (I mean they think doing stuff together is weak). So I'm always afraid he'll revert to type and want to be like them but a lot of the time I see lots of mean digs and a lack of closeness between them, with the inevitable result that they spend less time together. I'm probably dealing with this in all the wrong way...

OP posts:

Malificence · 26/06/2012 19:24

You are absolutely not B U , if I'd got home from work tonight at 7pm and DH wasn't here cooking my tea ( but was down the pub) I'd be bloody furious, I hate to eat late and I'm not about to start cooking when I've been on my feet for the last 5 hours.
If he was consistently 2 hours late home whenever he went out socially, we wouldn't have been married for 27 years either, it's not acceptable behaviour.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 26/06/2012 19:26

Dref sweetie in the nicest possible way, I think you should re-post in Relationships. It sounds like now we have scratched the surface, a whole can of worms is opening up.

FWIW I don't think you were B all that U in the scenario in your OP - it would annoy me too.

canikickit · 26/06/2012 19:27

Children learn how a relationship should be from their parents...

As he had had only 1 rationship before you, he hadn't had much chance to modify what he learnt as a child

Can I suggest you post in the Relationship section; it is much more sympathetic, supportive and insightful. People like to get the boot in, in AIBU

Original poster

Dref · 26/06/2012 19:27

How do I deal with this? I have mentioned this before. Tonight he just rang to say he's home late but obviously last night is fresh in his mind. At some point it seems to creep back in. I'm really concerned it will be like this when we have kids.

OP posts:

Original poster

Dref · 26/06/2012 19:28

Thanks a lot ladies , I will do, so need to reply to last post unless you want to.

OP posts:

canikickit · 26/06/2012 20:52

Do you think he is being unfaithful?

It doesn't sound like you do

You need to decide what is acceptable to you....if he keeps being late, unreliable and unromantic, do you want to stay married to him?

Define your boundaries

Marriage counselling? If he won't listen to you when you tell him how his behaviour males you feel? WILL he listen to how you feel? Does he seem to care whether you are happy or not?

bogeyface · 26/06/2012 21:05

Was he like this before you got married? Does he come home drunk?

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