Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

what should I do about this?

65 replies

fullofregrets · 26/06/2012 09:13

Hi
Before he met me DH was with a girl (M) for about seven years. He actually had another long-term relationship in between me and M.
Anyway, I know that M has always sort of considered DH the one that got away. Before her wedding she rang him and said that if he wanted her back she would cancel her wedding as she didn't really love the person she was marrying. I know that since we have been married (7 years) he has occasionally been in touch with this girl.

Anyway I noticed over his shoulder last night when he was reading his emails that there was one from her, and it was in response to one he'd sent. So anyway instead of saying anything (because I'm an idiot) I have instead read his emails this morning. Basically he sent one saying happy birthday and saying they should meet for coffee soon.
She had replied saying how her daughter was and agreeing coffee would be great. Checked his sent messages and he replied again, immediately (which is interesting as he often has no time to call me from work or anything but had time to email m) saying to set a date for coffee and he betted her DD was beautiful like her mum.

It's not great is it? I know were the boot on the other foot he would go mad. Absolutely mad. Let alone if I ever met up with an ex.
It feels like there's an undertone to it. They were never just friends. So why meet now? And if it is all innocent why not tell me?

What do I do?

OP posts:
Original poster
fullofregrets · 26/06/2012 09:15

Just looked again and she has now replied.
But can't read it yet because he hasn't!

OP posts:
AnyoneForTennis · 26/06/2012 09:16

Well it's something I would keep an eye on for now. Does he know you have access to his emails?

Original poster
fullofregrets · 26/06/2012 09:17

It's his work email box, he probably thinks I'd never look. And I never have before.
Read her message and remarked as unread.
Apparently he should give her a text xxxx she is around most weekends Xxx

OP posts:
Original poster
fullofregrets · 26/06/2012 09:18

She put the kisses not me by the way! I wasn't suddenly being all soppy on mumsnet.

OP posts:
Sallyingforth · 26/06/2012 09:19

Wait a day and then casually ask if he's heard from M lately?
If it's innocent he will have no problem in telling you.
If he denies contacting her then you might have something to worry about.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 26/06/2012 09:20

Are you aware of any other problems in your marriage? Your dh obviously doesn't want to be with her, but I expect he's got in touch because he wanted an ego boost from someone he knows will provide one. Git.

I wouldn't be able to keep my mouth shut and would have to confront him about it to find out what was going on. His response would be what dictates what happens next.

Original poster
fullofregrets · 26/06/2012 09:23

Not really, we don't get much time just the two of us since having DS But surely that is the same for most people with children

He is always very dismissive about her but the emails have a different tone. He has opened her latest email, ahead of all his work ones.

OP posts:
3teenhell · 26/06/2012 09:25

i agree with asking in a few days and seeing what he says.
If all innocent he will say been emailing and going for coffee.

Though i have to say what will your reaction be if he says he is going for coffee? Like you said she is an ex and not really a friend.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 26/06/2012 09:28

You need to nip it in the bud now. It could just be that he wants some attention, some men are a bit weak and pathetic like that. I expect he would prefer that from you rather than her though, you are the one he chose to be with.

You have to talk to him and find out why he felt the need to do this. It's not harmless, it has the potential to ruin your marriage. But it also has the potential to get you both back on track by forcing you to talk and make time for each other.

ThisIsAUsername · 26/06/2012 09:28

Print the emails out if you can (2 copies). Wait a while, gather as much evidence you can before sitting him down with them on the table.

I agree though, not good. Not after she told him she'd cancel the wedding for him. Men are often naive, but not that naive. And if it was all innocent, he'd mention it to you.

Original poster
fullofregrets · 26/06/2012 09:37

Problem is I'm going to have to admit to reading his emails which is never a good start to a conversation.

I just don't see what innocent reason they would have to meet for coffee. Apart from to see if the spark is still there and if even of them want to act on it.
Interestingly although DH talks about DS and she talks about her DD, my DH does not mention me and she does not mention her DH.

OP posts:
BarredfromhavingStella · 26/06/2012 09:37

Why don't you wait & see what he says he's doing when he's meeting her for coffee, that way you can see if dh thinks it's innocent or not? If he's honest & tells you exactly where he's going then he's just being an insensitive knob-if he lies then he is being devious & you need to start worrying.
Either outcome though you need to discuss with him about how unhappy the situation makes you.

Original poster
fullofregrets · 26/06/2012 09:39

Inbu to be unhappy about it though am I?

OP posts:
ThisIsAUsername · 26/06/2012 09:40

Personally, being the sneaky fucker I am, I'd keep monitoring it, print off emails daily incase he deletes them, and then wait until they arrange a place time and date.

Then I'd turn up there 10 minutes later for a skinny latte.

Don't feel bad about checking the emails. You did it for a reason. You spotted something that made you feel uneasy and you acted on your gut instinct. He is the one arranging a coffee date with his long term ex who he knows still has feelings for him. He is the shit here, not you.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 26/06/2012 09:40

No you arent!! Read the latest mail and then just mark it as unread!

loopylou6 · 26/06/2012 09:41

I wouldn't like this, it doesn't sound good

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 26/06/2012 09:42

No, YANBU to be unhappy about it.

BarredfromhavingStella · 26/06/2012 09:42

Of course YANBU to be unhappy about it.

Chandon · 26/06/2012 09:44

sounds like he likes his ego (and more...?) stroked a bit.

3teenhell · 26/06/2012 09:44

YANBU at all. Most women i would imagine would feel uneasy with this.

Love the idea of turning up where they meet!

Original poster
fullofregrets · 26/06/2012 09:49

If he was just emailing to catch up I'd have no issue with it. I'm not by nature a jealous person.

It's this 'we really should stop talking about doing it and meet up for coffee' I don't like. And the immediate responses back and forth. If he starts texting though I have no way of checking. Unless I check his phone but that is really dodgy ground I always think.

OP posts:
accountantsrule · 26/06/2012 09:49

I would feel exactly the same as you. I must say since being a mumsnet member I am becoming paranoid!!!

It will be hard to say anything but maybe leave it until you see they have booked a date then ask what he is doing at that time in the pretence you want to catch up for lunch or coffee with him. If he lies then maybe there is more to it.

Original poster
fullofregrets · 26/06/2012 09:54

I just keep thinking I would never to it to him. Id never meet with an ex behind his back. Or ever actually. what would it achieve? Imo it is hard to be friends with someone you have had a serious relationship with. He has plenty of friends anyway.

OP posts:
wizzler · 26/06/2012 09:54

YANBU.. however, I was in a similar situation to you...an old girlfriend ( J) contacted DH about 9 months ago... she lives about 50 miles away. DH explained how wonderful she was and how she was the only one of his exs he wished he had kept in touch with. To be fair he told me about it, and they arranged to meet for a coffee. They chatted a lot on their IPads Hmm. By the time the day came, they had extended "coffee" to a full days outing including lunch and an evening meal.... in a pub with accommodation!

I was a bit rattled by this time..esp as she is single, and DH is not quite back to normal after being made redundant. However, afterwards, he came back home , told me ( I assume!) all about his day, and although they are still in contact, it is much less then before and there have been no other suggestions of meeting up.

So YANBU, but if he comes clean it might not be as bad as you fear!

DeWe · 26/06/2012 10:18

Could you do it in an innocent way?

Perhaps say to him: "You didn't reply to my email?"
He should say "what email?"
"The one I sent you at work, surely you got it?"
He'll deny seeing it, and you ask to check. Then "notice" he's had several messages from this person, and see his reaction. I think saying you're concerned if he's meeting her alone because "she's always had designs on you" and ask to go along too.

I would print off the emails too, because if anything's going on I'd expect him to delete them. But make sure you put them somewhere that he's not going to find, and destroy them quickly if you decide it's innocent.