what should I do about this?

[fullofregrets]

Hi
Before he met me DH was with a girl (M) for about seven years. He actually had another long-term relationship in between me and M.
Anyway, I know that M has always sort of considered DH the one that got away. Before her wedding she rang him and said that if he wanted her back she would cancel her wedding as she didn't really love the person she was marrying. I know that since we have been married (7 years) he has occasionally been in touch with this girl.

Anyway I noticed over his shoulder last night when he was reading his emails that there was one from her, and it was in response to one he'd sent. So anyway instead of saying anything (because I'm an idiot) I have instead read his emails this morning. Basically he sent one saying happy birthday and saying they should meet for coffee soon.
She had replied saying how her daughter was and agreeing coffee would be great. Checked his sent messages and he replied again, immediately (which is interesting as he often has no time to call me from work or anything but had time to email m) saying to set a date for coffee and he betted her DD was beautiful like her mum.

It's not great is it? I know were the boot on the other foot he would go mad. Absolutely mad. Let alone if I ever met up with an ex.
It feels like there's an undertone to it. They were never just friends. So why meet now? And if it is all innocent why not tell me?

What do I do?

That's very true. He could have told her ages ago about the emails but has chosen not to.

I don't agree with turning a blind eye to this. The OP has said he would be livid if she did the same, so he already knows that what he is doing is wrong and out of order.

Confront and turn a blind eye by all means, but this woman is not going to go away. She's held a torch for him for more than 7 years now. All that will happen if he is confronted now is that he'll do what many other posters have discovered their partners doing, keeping a separate mobile phone and being a damn sight more sneaky.

Yes he might just be meeting for an innocent coffee, without his wife's knowledge, with a woman whom he's told is beautiful, who he knows fancies him. Oh yes, all very innocent. Just a friendly cup of coffee.

Goad him into telling her? Goad him? Like she's the one in the wrong?

How about, asking him if he's had any contact? How is that goading?

And of course it would be completely the OP's fault if he does have an affair because she will obviously become difficult to live with due to his sneaking around with his ex-flames.

Have you any idea how that sounds yellow?

He might not have given her any reason for concern for the last 7 years but HE IS NOW.

I agree Rhubarb, at the end of the day if he is trustworthy etc no amount of the OP being difficult would push him to have an affair surely?!!

To be honest, I wouldn't have kept quiet this long. I'm much more of the 'Oi, Mush, what's with all the emailing to your ex and meeting up for coffee bollocks?' type. And I'd look in to his eyes and I'd know whether I needed to worry or not. And I bet you would, too. And I think you don't want to do it because deep down you think he's up to no good.

Yup, trust your instincts, always. People tend to ignore their gut feelings but they shouldn't. Every time a poster on Mumsnet posts about an inkling she has that her dp is up to no good, it turns out that he was indeed being a sneak.

you've misinterpreted what I was saying rhubarb, sorry for not being clearer.

If what I said in my last post happened I most certainly wasn't saying that it would be the op fault. Of course it wouldn't be.

I was just trying to describe what hypothetically could happen if the op tried to play games here. Because at the moment it could all be totally innocent but how people feel over time does change and how the op deals with this could influence what happens here.

If her dh had (or is having) an affair with this woman that would be totally and utterly his fault of course it would.

I totally get why the op isn't happy about this. I wouldn't be either and couldn't trust my dh more. But all the hysteria is based on the other woman telling her ex that she wanted to still be with him more than 7 years ago. There is nothing to suggest she still has feelings for him.

Ffs when I split up with my most significant ex before dh I told him that if he ever changed his mind to tell me! Then I met dh and never looked back. My ex is no more a threat to my relationship than brad Pitt.

I know this is different in that she said this before her own wedding but a lot has happened in the last 7 years including having a baby and there it's no real reason to presume she still has the same feelings.

Yes me too chickenshavenolips

And rhubarb I actually agree with you about trusting your instincts. I just don't agree with being under hand about how you explore them that's all

Ask him about her OH. Presumably they've split up - if she was marrying a man she didn't love in the first place.

They (neither of them) refer to their OHs in the emails. Ask him aboiut hers - whether still together, happy, or if she is now single?

This: "Anyway, I know that M has always sort of considered DH the one that got away. Before her wedding she rang him and said that if he wanted her back she would cancel her wedding as she didn't really love the person she was marrying. I know that since we have been married (7 years) he has occasionally been in touch with this girl."

and this: ^"I know were the boot on the other foot he would go mad. Absolutely mad. Let alone if I ever met up with an ex.
It feels like there's an undertone to it. They were never just friends. So why meet now? And if it is all innocent why not tell me?"^

Both of these things, even if you dismiss the fact that he looks forward to her emails because he opens hers above everyone else's, that he replies straight away and that he told her how beautiful she was, these things are what turns this from an innocent cup of coffee into something more.

They were never just friends.

The OP has a 'feeling' that something isn't right.

Now, if she confronted him now and he was actually planning on getting together with his ex and perhaps seeing how things went, do you think that he (and she) would just give up and become honest people? Or do you think that they would play it more carefully next time?

That's the real danger isn't it?

These aren't mind games. This is her trying to establish the facts and the truth before she confronts him. This is her just biding her time to see what develops, whilst still giving him every opportunity to be honest with her and tell her.

My guess is that he won't tell her.

I'd do a 'Oh my God, I had a really vivid dream last night about you and X-you were having an affair!'

whilst carefully checking out the look on his face. Then, laugh and move on casually and ask if he's heard from her lately...

I have occasionally seen my serious ex over the years....he usually gets in touch at crucial turning points in his life...once when his girlfriend dumped him and another time when he moved cities and needed a new job.

I do think the fact that he has siad those things to her is dodgy in the extreme and agree you need to keep an eye on things.

I'm with chickenshavenolips - have the conversation with him, ask him outright WTF's going on, be honest. Forget the game-playing. I would much rather know from his reaction whether we had a problem, than put myself through days/weeks of misery, sneaking looks at his emails and texts, then possibly stalking him to a cafe. No thanks! Speak to him.