Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

what should I do about this?

65 replies

fullofregrets · 26/06/2012 09:13

Hi
Before he met me DH was with a girl (M) for about seven years. He actually had another long-term relationship in between me and M.
Anyway, I know that M has always sort of considered DH the one that got away. Before her wedding she rang him and said that if he wanted her back she would cancel her wedding as she didn't really love the person she was marrying. I know that since we have been married (7 years) he has occasionally been in touch with this girl.

Anyway I noticed over his shoulder last night when he was reading his emails that there was one from her, and it was in response to one he'd sent. So anyway instead of saying anything (because I'm an idiot) I have instead read his emails this morning. Basically he sent one saying happy birthday and saying they should meet for coffee soon.
She had replied saying how her daughter was and agreeing coffee would be great. Checked his sent messages and he replied again, immediately (which is interesting as he often has no time to call me from work or anything but had time to email m) saying to set a date for coffee and he betted her DD was beautiful like her mum.

It's not great is it? I know were the boot on the other foot he would go mad. Absolutely mad. Let alone if I ever met up with an ex.
It feels like there's an undertone to it. They were never just friends. So why meet now? And if it is all innocent why not tell me?

What do I do?

OP posts:
sleepsforwimps2010 · 26/06/2012 10:39

id wait till they arrange a meet up...
then see if hes truthful about where hes going, if he lies call him on it when he gets back! if he says hes going to meet her, express your concern.

TheRhubarb · 26/06/2012 10:44

You know what I would do? Keep an eye on it and find out where they are going and when. Then just happen to pop in at the very same time!

It could be that he is getting his ego flattered and doesn't mean to take it any further. He just likes the fact that she still shines a torch for him and wants to feel good about it. However if he's doing that behind your back then it's deceiving and dishonest.

Give him plenty of opportunities to tell you. Ask if he has heard from her lately and how she is doing. If he doesn't tell you about this coffee date, then ask a male colleague to go with you to the same coffee shop he's meeting her at and see how he likes it! I can just imagine his face now when you walk in, done up to your nines of course, looking gorgeous and casual.

But if he does go as far as meeting her without telling you, once he's got over the shock of seeing you there, you need to do some serious thinking. I couldn't be with a man who deceives and lies but that's your call. However I've a feeling this woman will remain a threat.

GiserableMitt · 26/06/2012 11:00

I would not ask to go with him -I think that would give away any advantage you might have.
I'm not sure I'd turn up unannounced either although I might spy.

PandaWatch · 26/06/2012 11:02

How about telling him you weren't snooping but you saw over his shoulder that he was getting emails from X and ask him what it's about. Given the history (I assume your DH told you about her calling before her wedding?) your DH can't think you're being unreasonable for being concerned! Don't mention that you've read the emails, just see what he has to say. I think if you have a happy marriage continuing to read his emails behind his back and compiling a dossier of evidence is a dangerous road to go down.

This could be very very innocent on the part of your DH.

TheRhubarb · 26/06/2012 11:10

If they are responding by text though it could make it harder to spy. Do you have access to his texts?

If you turn up unannounced you don't have to admit that you've been looking at his emails and it would be so obvious that he's been lying because you will have given him plenty of opportunity to tell him. If you find out what day, you can even ask him if he has anything special on that day? I'd like to see what excuses he comes up with once he realises he's been rumbled.

I would do this because I would want to know how long he can keep up the lie. If you ask him if he's heard from her and how she's doing and he pretends that he hasn't then he is lying. I'd want to know how far he would go and if he would actually meet her without telling you.

If you confront him now you would never know.

If he is prepared to meet her and lie to you about it then I'm not sure where you go from there. Would you want to continue a relationship with a man who can lie to your face and is prepared to put himself in the path of temptation? Let's face it, this woman is fully prepared to go all the way and has made herself available for him even on the eve of her marriage, so she is a threat that is never going to go away. If you could fully trust him not to take advantage of this crush she has on him, if you were convinced that he wasn't interested then it wouldn't be a problem, but he's already told her how beautiful she is, so he thinks enough of her to want to pay her compliments and encourage the flirtation.

I would honestly see how far he will take this and then have a serious think about your future with him. I'm sorry this has happened and fwiw, you've done nothing wrong in opening his emails. You have broken the trust to find out the truth, because remember, he started this and he has broken the bigger trust. You did what you had to do to protect yourself and your future.

PandaWatch · 26/06/2012 11:23

But he may not have started anything Rhubarb. Maybe he thinks now so much time has passed and x has a daughter that she's over him. Maybe now he's happily married with children he thinks she wouldn't try anything anyway.

If he has occasionally been in touch with her over the years I don't see why going for a coffee is that strange.

PandaWatch · 26/06/2012 11:25

As for the compliment, saying a little girl is beautiful like her mum isn't that bad is it?! I say that to people (and boys being handsome like their dads) - it doesn't mean I want to shag them!

TheRhubarb · 26/06/2012 11:31

He may and he may not, which is why I'm advising the OP to give him plenty of opportunity to tell her about it. If it's all innocent then he'd mention it wouldn't he? Esp when asked if he's had any contact with her. So if he does mention it then all is well, the OP has said she wouldn't mind if he told her.

However if she gives him that opportunity to tell her and he doesn't, or he lies about not having any contact with her then what does that tell you?

If I read the OP correctly, the first contact was made by him and she happened to see her response over his shoulder.

Also he wasn't responding to a photo of her dd, he just said that he bets her dd is beautiful just like her. That's not a polite comment, it's a flirtacious one.

My advice is different to yours PandaWatch. I'm not saying that he wants a full blown affair, I'm advising that she test the waters to see how far he is prepared to keep this a secret and then rather than just spy on them from across the street, actually walk in on them in the coffee shop and see what he has to say for himself.

Viviennemary · 26/06/2012 11:32

I think most people would not be happy about this. I'd feel like spying in disguise I must say. But I probably wouldn't. But no point in making a big thing of it if it's probably nothing to worry about.

PandaWatch · 26/06/2012 11:35

My advice is probably skewed by the fact my DH can read me like a book and would know I was worried/pissed off so I don't think I'd be able to maintain the ruse and would blurt it all out!

oldenglishspangles · 26/06/2012 11:36

If he does arrange to meet her do you have a friend who could accidently bump into him? You can then mention said friend saw him and see what his response is.

tomverlaine · 26/06/2012 11:40

I'm with Panda - just be honest- you noticed it by accident. And I don't think there is anything in those emails that I wouldn't have said to an old friend/flame. as for answering quickly- I don't think that means anything necessarily

Original poster
fullofregrets · 26/06/2012 12:31

Well she lives about 20 miles away so he would have to make a special trip to see her, unless they meet in the middle.
Not sure I'd have the nerve to just turn up! The more I think about it the more concerned I am though. DH is obviously considering his options. And apparently I am only just one of them.

OP posts:
MissFaversam · 26/06/2012 12:35

I'm another one that wouldn't be at all pleased about this. I also be telling him so.

Cockwomble · 26/06/2012 12:36

Don't play games and piss about.

Tell him what you know, and ask him about it. Be honest. Dancing around in webs of deception will just make you more miserable.

PandaWatch · 26/06/2012 12:39

OP just speak to him. Tell him what you know and why you're upset. From what you've said I think you are reading far too much into this. I understand why you are upset but wouldn't it be better to confront your DH now rather than carry on worrying about what will probably be nothing?

PandaWatch · 26/06/2012 12:40

X post with Cockwomble!

Original poster
fullofregrets · 26/06/2012 12:43

I think even if she had instigated it I would be less concerned. It's the whole 'let's set a date for that coffee' and 'she's beautiful like her mum.' Why say that to a long-term relationship ex? Especially one that may still have feelings for you. It just encourages it.
When we first got together I was in email contact with a uni ex, it wasn't a serious relationship and we had stayed friends. DH didn't like me being in contact so I stopped.
He would be livid if it was me doing this. I am more hurt.

OP posts:
TheRhubarb · 26/06/2012 12:43

He made the first move right?

He knows she holds a torch for him, he knows she was even ready to cancel her wedding for him so chances are that he knows her marriage is a sham.

He knows he is playing with fire by arranging to see her again.

He was not replying to a photo of her dd or being polite, he said that he bets her daughter is as beautiful as her - how can that be any other than flirtatious banter?

He has not told his wife of the emails or the arrangements.

I am not advocating playing games. I am simply stating that if you confront him now, it's all easily explained away and you'll never know just how far he would have taken this. The woman will still be there, he'll be just more careful about how he contacts her in future.

You don't want to burn your bridges.

I'd want to know what kind of man I was dealing with. I would not want to give him an opportunity to squirm his way out of it.
So far he's done nothing wrong. So there's not much you can have a confrontation about. He can claim that he was going to tell you, that it's no big deal, that he's just being polite and that he didn't want you to worry. But his excuses become less plausible if he actually goes through with the arrangements and your evidence is more solid.

YellowDinosaur · 26/06/2012 12:52

What cockwomble said. None of this bloody seeing how far he will go nonsense. If you mention you saw an email or even ask if he has heard from her you will be able to open a conversation and be honest with him about how it makes you uncomfortable. And sort it out.

All he has done so far is arrange to meet an ex who it must have been 10 years or more since they were together. And while you are not unreasonable to be concerned because of the back story it all could be totally innocent.

Assuming you have an otherwise happy marriage and have never had cause to distrust him before what on earth can you possibly gain other than misery by this sort of ridiculous game playing?

Because if you go in all cloak and dagger about it your dh will have every right to be pissed off with you when it all comes out and you will never know whether his anger is due to his guilt or the fact that you don't trust him.

Stop this now and talk to him ffs

AmberLeaf · 26/06/2012 12:53

I am not advocating playing games. I am simply stating that if you confront him now, it's all easily explained away and you'll never know just how far he would have taken this. The woman will still be there, he'll be just more careful about how he contacts her in future

Agree.

AmberLeaf · 26/06/2012 12:55

All the talk of honest and open conversation is all well and good if you are dealing with an honest and open person.

PandaWatch · 26/06/2012 13:04

The OP has already said that she knows her DH sees this woman every so often - what has the OP said that indicates her DH is being dishonest? And how is encouraging the OP to sneak around behind her DH's back, after she's already been reading his emails, going to help anything? I would love to see the reaction on here if the situation was reversed.

idococktailshedoesbeer · 26/06/2012 13:06

I think asking him if he's heard from her recently is a good plan. If he's honest then you've got nothing to worry about. My OH meets up with exes occasionally (including one still besotted with him) and I don't mind because I know about it.

But if he doesn't tell you about the proposed meet up that's not on. Tell him what you read and ask him to explain himself.

YellowDinosaur · 26/06/2012 13:06

And that's true Amber.

But consider this. It might all be totally innocent at the moment. He might just have been curious as to how things have panned out for her.

But he spends a bit of time with her, all the while the op becomes difficult and hard work with him because she is playing games and trying to goad him into telling her about it. He starts to enjoy time with his ex more than the op. And before you know it there is something there between them afterall.

If in 7 years she has never had cause for concern he is either honest and trustworthy or so good at hiding it that he will remain so.

So unless he has been dishonest in the past then just talk.