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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to find this behaviour from mil really annoying?

56 replies

Happymummy21 · 25/06/2012 23:36

Unfortunately she has a tendency to whip up situations. An example would be when she text me last week to ask if ds and I would like to come and stay with her and fil as dh and I are having our house extended at the moment. I text her back and I thanked her for the kind offer but said that ds and I have lots on this week and the extension is no issue as it only affects a small part of the house.

So several days later she texts dh and says are we ok as she hasn't heard from me, she thought there may be an emergency or something?! I find it unlikely that she didn't receive my text but I didn't have time to call as I've been very busy the past few days.

This is a classic example of something she's done quite often - on several occasions in the past, she's text/left an answerphone message and if dh or I don't call back within 24 hours she gets all overdramatic and says she thought there was an emergency as we hasn't replied - er no, we're just busy parents who can't always get to the phone/call back as quickly as she'd like.

She and I have never been particularly close though we are fairly amicable, she lives quite a long way away so we only ser her every couple of months as she doesn't like to drive to us so we have to wait for a weekend when dh is off work for us to visit her.

Tbh I've had this type of behaviour from relatives/colleagues/friends in the past and I've tended to distance myself from these people as I find attention seeking and drama queens quite annoying. I can't distance myself from mil too much out of duty, even though dh and I both feel similarly about the behaviour.

Aibu to find it annoying?

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 25/06/2012 23:40

To find what annoying?

What has she actually done? Confused

seeker · 25/06/2012 23:42

What's she done wrong?

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 25/06/2012 23:42

I'm wondering the same as Worra.

So far it just sounds like she loves you all and worries too much. Not exactly top of the list when it comes to MIL misdemeanors.

Original poster
Happymummy21 · 25/06/2012 23:44

Sorry, a bit of a ramble :S

Basically whenever she calls or texts, if she doesn't get a call back within 24 hours she tells dh and I she thought there was an emergency as she hadn't heard back...

OP posts:
ThisIsAUsername · 25/06/2012 23:45

So she offers to have your ds, you don't reply to her, then get pissed off with her when she worries something might be wrong?

And you say you don't like drama queens?

IneedAbetterNicknameIn2012 · 25/06/2012 23:46

I'm not sure what she has done wrong Confused It just seems to me that she cares about you, hardly the crime of the century!

I am still waiting for MIL to ask me, her son, or my sons how they are getting on at school. DS1 is in year 3, and she has never asked. When he was 6 he asked me why his Gran hardly ever sees him, and when she does all she talks about is his cousins :(

WorraLiberty · 25/06/2012 23:46

Then call her back within 24hrs

It's a bit rude not to, don't you think?

Original poster
Happymummy21 · 25/06/2012 23:48

Username - I said I did reply and thanked her, but then when a few days passed after that and she didn't get another call she thought it was an emergency...

OP posts:
OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 25/06/2012 23:49

This is a non problem. Don't make it into one or you will be being very hypocritical.

Is there really nothing else she does that winds you up, or is that it?

These threads are sad. I hope that when my ds's grow up they will call or text me for a few minutes the next day if I've phoned them.

seeker · 25/06/2012 23:49

And this is a problem because?

WorraLiberty · 25/06/2012 23:50

Re her not getting the text.

I was stood in the bank on Friday and got 6 texts in a row from my DS

He'd sent them hours before but for some reason, they didn't come through and then all arrived at once.

ThisIsAUsername · 25/06/2012 23:52

So why exactly can't you make the effort to give her a quick call a once a week to check in and reassure her you are all well? If it stops you from getting so annoyed by her, then surely it is worth it and will give her peace of mind and maybe ease the worrying.

Some people are natural worriers. It's sad that you feel this way about her. it could be so much worse.

Original poster
Happymummy21 · 25/06/2012 23:52

I didn't say I find mil annoying, just the behaviour that if dh or I don't manage to respond within 24 hours then there must be an emergency.

You're right though, there are worse problems to have so sorry for asking the question :(

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 26/06/2012 00:11

I have to say (and take this from an old gimmer!) You never stop worrying about your kids.

Just because they grow up, doesn't mean you don't worry if you don't hear back from them after you've called/sent a text.

I could understand your point if she was like that an hour after leaving a message, but to not hear back after 24hrs would worry me too.

YellowDinosaur · 26/06/2012 00:12

Hold on i'm not sure why the op is getting so much shit here. Why exactly is it her responsibility to be calling her mil regularly and not her dh?

Her mil is making a drama out of nothing and over time that is annoying. My mil has a bit of a tendency to do this which dh finds more annoying than I do. He nips it in the bud however so it hasn't become an ongoing problem.

Cut her some slack. She didn't say the world was coming to an end or anything. Just that this is annoying, which it is if you have ever experienced it. I get on well with my mil largely because we were able to put a stop to this!

Matou · 26/06/2012 00:29

As gatheringlilacs told me, 'Men can be very CBA about their filial duties, which leaves it (quite often) down to their partner to send cards/organise visits. It also means that partner is a convenient target for all feelings of hurt and frustration.'
My MIL emails me because she knows DH doesn't read his emails. And she pesters phones him at work.
I agree with OP that it is annoying, a bit needy. Nothing much you can do about it though because it does seem to come from a good place.
Has there ever been an emergency where she wasn't kept informed?
I mean, I don't phone my mum every time I take the kids to the doctor's. I might phone her afterwards to unwind. But I wouldn't phone my MIL.
Does she have little to occupy her? Is she of the anxious type?

Being the mum of 2 boys, I guess I should sympathise with MILs everywhere because there is something very mother-to-daughter about motherhood, and MILs sometimes don't get a look in.

Actually perhaps it just boils down to reassurance: would ER staff find her contact details if you did have a problem? I know this is worst case scenario.
Alternatively, maybe she just wants news more often and uses the emergency query as an excuse.

pippop1 · 26/06/2012 00:34

I think 24 hours plus is too long. It only takes a minute to text something reassuring. You don't even have to speak to her!

HenriettaChicken · 26/06/2012 00:36

My Sister is exactly the same. And she'll email and then text an hour or so later to nudge us to reply. PITA. YANBU.

PoppyWearer · 26/06/2012 01:56

I understand this is annoying, OP, my PILs are similar (and yes, it's me they call/text/email normally as DH never responds!).

My own Dad is the worst though. Needs an email from me every morning, or assumes we are all dead-in-a-ditch and gets all panicky.

With two small DCs trying to get to nursery every morning, finding time to sit down and send a cheery email with all of our "news" is rather annoying.

Mind you, I will miss it when he's no longer around.

LurkingAndLearningForNow · 26/06/2012 02:05

My MIL is JUST. LIKE. THIS. However she is severely mentally ill and her carer says it's best not to aggravate her when she calls my phone nine times in a row to shout at DP for his perceived injustices. He really does have the patience of a saint, a virtue I lack! I really wish when come back from a shower to find anywhere between nine-twenty calls I could just roll my eyes and ignore her but it's not really an option. I just remind myself she's a sick middle aged lady who DOES think her son still lives at home, is on a sleepover and needs to come clean her mousetrap. :(

MyDogShitsMoney · 26/06/2012 02:05

I think I understand what you're getting a OP (though obviously forgive me if I'm projecting)

I don't think it would be so bad if she just called you back, or even if she got a bit pissed off, it's the melodramatic "I thought there'd been an emergency" that's the problem.

Made up drama just for the sake of drama. I think it must be difficult to understand if you haven't experienced it tbh.

I find it exhausting!

ComposHat · 26/06/2012 02:20

I've re-read the op twice bow and I can't see the heinous crime the mother-in-law is supposed to have committed.

It is hardly like she regularly walks into the op's house and pisses on her Sunday dinner is it?

mynewpassion · 26/06/2012 02:46

I don't get the drama from the OP either. The MIL was concern because she hadn't hear back within a day of calling or texting.

silverten · 26/06/2012 06:30

I know exactly what you mean OP, my MIL is just the same.

It's irritating, attention seeking behaviour. DP and I are also irked by the assumption that we don't have anything important to do and that we can drop it all to rush to the phone to respond to the latest summons.

She also does a good line in cryptic messages which imply something awful might have happened, to try and tempt us..
Nine times out of ten it isn't even anything important, more like someone DP knew as a child has got a new budgie or something.

TBH, we'd respond a bit more promptly if she'd just leave us a message saying she's feeling a bit fed up and would like a chat, instead of all the manufactured drama.

MammaTJ · 26/06/2012 06:40

Do you have delivery reports on your phone?

Just one way of knowing for certain she has got your texts!