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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to find this behaviour from mil really annoying?

56 replies

Happymummy21 · 25/06/2012 23:36

Unfortunately she has a tendency to whip up situations. An example would be when she text me last week to ask if ds and I would like to come and stay with her and fil as dh and I are having our house extended at the moment. I text her back and I thanked her for the kind offer but said that ds and I have lots on this week and the extension is no issue as it only affects a small part of the house.

So several days later she texts dh and says are we ok as she hasn't heard from me, she thought there may be an emergency or something?! I find it unlikely that she didn't receive my text but I didn't have time to call as I've been very busy the past few days.

This is a classic example of something she's done quite often - on several occasions in the past, she's text/left an answerphone message and if dh or I don't call back within 24 hours she gets all overdramatic and says she thought there was an emergency as we hasn't replied - er no, we're just busy parents who can't always get to the phone/call back as quickly as she'd like.

She and I have never been particularly close though we are fairly amicable, she lives quite a long way away so we only ser her every couple of months as she doesn't like to drive to us so we have to wait for a weekend when dh is off work for us to visit her.

Tbh I've had this type of behaviour from relatives/colleagues/friends in the past and I've tended to distance myself from these people as I find attention seeking and drama queens quite annoying. I can't distance myself from mil too much out of duty, even though dh and I both feel similarly about the behaviour.

Aibu to find it annoying?

OP posts:
everlong · 26/06/2012 06:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

iscream · 26/06/2012 07:04

My mother was somewhat like that. I told her she would definitely hear from someone if there ever was an emergency.

You could also ask her what sort of emergency would there be? That nobody would bother letting her know. House burnt down? Kidnapped? Sucked away by a tornado? Perhaps swine flu and you all are in the hospital?

CurlyCasper · 26/06/2012 07:06

OP, I can understand you being a bit irked by the whole "emergency" thing. But if you've had this sort of behaviour from friends and colleagues too, perhaps you should look at your own behaviour. Maybe you need to do people the courtesy of replying sooner? IME it's not normal to have so many people worrying because you haven't called. I feel guilty if I leave my phone somewhere and fail to respond to someone the same day. I know you say you are busy, but it's not difficult to text. (I know you said you did on this occasion, but you also said you don't always reply quickly because you have so much on). You could also pass the message to your husband and demand that he responds.

iscream · 26/06/2012 07:07

I get why the "emergency" is bugging you. It is a guilt trip/passive aggressive thing I think. Because if there was an "emergency" of course someone would let her know. Funny she called your dh, like he forget to let her know you were critically injured or something!

ithaka · 26/06/2012 07:14

Well, I sympathise with you OP. The problem is, your MIL probably has far less going on in her life and can sit around wondering why you haven't called back, but when you are busy with work and a family, 24 hours can easily pass without a moment to even think about calling back.

I find needy, attention seeking people annoying, so this behaviour would irk me. Obviously, it does not annoy everyone, as some of the posters cannot see the problem, but it would annoy me.

Longtalljosie · 26/06/2012 08:05

It's quite possible she didn't receive your text - they do go missing. And how text-savvy is she? The bloke who does our handyman / decorating can't bear texts - he can read them but not reply and when you mention having texted him he sounds a bit stressed! Texting seems so normal these days but for some people it's still a big deal...

usualsuspect · 26/06/2012 08:12

Yabu

NoOnesGoingToEatYourEyes · 26/06/2012 08:24

I have a MIL who would do the same thing OP and it can be really exhausting behaviour.

We would both be at work and she would ring our landline, then both mobiles, then the landline again, and again and again, then the mobiles again, then FIL would ring to tell us she was crying because we were ignoring her, then she would ring and cry onto the answer phone or message service, then ring again and again and again, then ring the rest of the family to say that we were ignoring her and could they ring us and ask us to ring her, then they would ring us, then she would ring and leave a message to say that she knew we had been in a terrible accident or had some awful illness we were keeping from her, then FIL would ring to tell us off and then MIL would ring to apologise for FILs behaviour and threaten to do the five hour drive to our house to make sure we were alright.

She once reported DH missing to his boss (he's in the armed forces and they were not happy about it) when he was actually fine and the only reason he hadn't spoken to her was because she had been on holiday and had no phone signal.

And she rang my Mum to say she was worried about me because I wasn't at home at 8:30pm (I was at my book club, which both of them knew but MIL felt like causing drama).

She also has a habit of reporting her DILs to their husbands, her sons, if she feels they are not making her feel welcome enough (which includes having an open house for several visits per day), crying for no reason if she feels she is not the centre of attention and sulking for weeks if, like yours, she doesn't get a reply to a phone call or message quickly enough. Which, when you both work in jobs where you aren't supposed to have your phones with you or receive personal calls on the work phone, is difficult.

I know it can seem like a bit of a non-problem to other people but when you are constantly being reported to your DH for upsetting his mother by not getting back to her quickly enough, especially when you know you have, it is annoying and can feel like your MIL is stirring up trouble for nothing. And dealing with someone who thinks there is always an emergency she's being kept in the dark about is also hard work.

Tiptoptoe · 26/06/2012 08:26

YABU you have children yourself, put yourself in her shoes. Worrying and thinking about your children doesnt just go away one morning. Its for life.

Tiptoptoe · 26/06/2012 08:27

Actually sad that the above even needs to be said but it seems its not nearly as logical as it should be.

IKilledIgglePiggle · 26/06/2012 08:33

What a sad thread for mothers of sons, poor MIL.

mercibucket · 26/06/2012 08:38

Why on earth do some of you think it is ops responsibility to phone or text her husband's mother? Does he not have a tongue/fingers??
Op I sympathise. To be fair, it's hardly the crime of the century but then that's not what you're claiming either. Luckily mil doesn't text me, I would find even that mildly irritating if more than once in a blue moon, but I just don't see a reason for me and mil to spend time chatting by phone or text, neither do I see it as anything to do with me what dh does with regards to his mil. If he wants to call or visit, great, but it's hardly my problem. Equally I would find it frankly weird if my mother started texting dh - I'd have her straight off to the GP!
But to get back to your op ...
It does sound mildly annoying and attention seeking. Just tell your dh she's phoned or texted then forget about it - his problem, not yours

mercibucket · 26/06/2012 08:38

Why on earth do some of you think it is ops responsibility to phone or text her husband's mother? Does he not have a tongue/fingers??
Op I sympathise. To be fair, it's hardly the crime of the century but then that's not what you're claiming either. Luckily mil doesn't text me, I would find even that mildly irritating if more than once in a blue moon, but I just don't see a reason for me and mil to spend time chatting by phone or text, neither do I see it as anything to do with me what dh does with regards to his mil. If he wants to call or visit, great, but it's hardly my problem. Equally I would find it frankly weird if my mother started texting dh - I'd have her straight off to the GP!
But to get back to your op ...
It does sound mildly annoying and attention seeking. Just tell your dh she's phoned or texted then forget about it - his problem, not yours

diddl · 26/06/2012 08:40

"What a sad thread for mothers of sons, poor MIL."

No-sad for this MIL-whose son seems to leave contact to his wife.

OP-perhaps if your husband bothered with his mum she wouldn´t do this?

Sounds to me as if she feels she needs a reason to contact-hence the emergency "excuse".

blonderthanred · 26/06/2012 08:47

The emergency thing sounds very passive-aggressive. I can understand why it would be irritating although as it's a pattern I think you'll just have to develop a coping strategy, whether that's replying quicker or just laughing it off. I can see why this instance when you did reply would have triggered the annoyance though.

You are getting a hard time from other posters. Not every AIBU has to be about heinous crimes or massively extreme behaviour. It's the everyday niggles that wind us up the most.

Tiptoptoe · 26/06/2012 08:51

Sorry I must have misread. I thought the OP said her MIL texted HER to invite HER and her ds to stay at theirs. If MIL makes the effort to contact op then surely its not unreasonable to expect op to make contact back. Just common decency really.

mercibucket · 26/06/2012 09:12

And so op did make contact back, tiptoptoe

Should she also text to check mil received her previous text, as not having had a reply, she was worried about mil and thought she'd fallen down the stairs?

mercibucket · 26/06/2012 09:12

And so op did make contact back, tiptoptoe

Should she also text to check mil received her previous text, as not having had a reply, she was worried about mil and thought she'd fallen down the stairs?

BarredfromhavingStella · 26/06/2012 09:30

Lol Merci, OP don't really get why you are getting such a hard time tbh Hmm I would imagine this is quite irritating & at the end of the day she is your outlaw inlaw not your mother.

Tiptoptoe · 26/06/2012 09:33

Its called being considerate and helping keep family ties. Not difficult to understand at all and doesnt kill anyone. Would you be happy if it were you. Simple as that.

waltermittymissus · 26/06/2012 09:43

The thing is, because you're so busy OP something so trivial will slip from your mind. It's easy to think "I must call/text MIL" and then forget about it.

But if MIL hasn't got much on then little things like this; well she has time to think and worry about them doesn't she!

How many times have people posted on here saying someone is missing, haven't heard from them in hours etc etc and it turns out they were held up. It happens! And even if it's annoying, it's not that bad is it?

I agree that as she's your dh's mother it should be his responsibility but is a 2 second text back really that inconvenient for you?

lavandes · 26/06/2012 09:47

Wouldn't you and your dh worry if you rang or texted her and got no reply for ages. Would you worry that maybe she had fallen or worse. It is no different for her. Put yourself in her shoes.

cocolepew · 26/06/2012 09:59

Its a PITA attention seeking behaviour my MIL likes to do it do. It gets verywearing after a while.

DH was away in an overnight bike trip last week. I hadnt realised the ringer was of on the landline phone. when I checked for messages there where increasingly tearful ones begging someone to phone her because she thought something awful had happened.

if DH had been killed why would I have kept it a secret?

She has both our mobike numbers and could have sent a quick text.

elizaregina · 26/06/2012 10:08

I had a huge emergency last year - our anti social neighbours left a fag burning in the bedroom and casused a big house fire...thakfully no one was injured but we had to leave our house sharpish with carrier bags as the water residue caused a massive health problem with mould, and my DD was ill with lung infection.

Mil - couldnt care less and only offered to have dd to stay - at Three - without us!!!

She has 4 spare bedrooms, a large house with plenty of space.

I think you should feel lukcy you have someone to offer you the option to stay! I wish we had that last year!

It sounds like yours just gets excited and is getting all happythinking you may stay but then she doesnt here...maybe you annoy her by not responding quickly> If you did = maybe she wouldnt be such a drama queen..

DeWe · 26/06/2012 10:11

If all she needs is a text back, I don't think she's being unreasonable, particularly as you know she worries. There have been a few times when I have been concerned at not getting a response from a friend, when I'd have expected to, and have nipped round to check they're okay.

On one notable occasion I found that one person had been rushed to hospital with meningitis, another time s different friend had locked herself out, and a couple of smaller things that sound little, however me coming round to check they're okay has been very helpful.

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