To dread the thought of a second maternity leave?

[grobagsforever]

DD is 22 months. She sleeps throughout the night and naps once a day. She can talk and is interesting. I am back at work three days a week and love having the mental stimulation. I can out in the evening if I want to. But..the question of a second child is becoming pressing. The fact is I don't want to spend a year at hone looking a baby and a toddler. I survived mat leave first time but hanging out with NCT buddies a lot. But you can't just trail a toddeler everywhere like you can a baby. I'm just not sure I could cope with the isolation and lack of working outside the hone. Or the exhaustion and lack of social life. But I'd hate for DD not to have a sibling. Asking DP to take on childcare isn't really an option as I would want to BF exclusively for six months and then do BLW after that, in fact DD is still BF...

having children isn't compulsory. Why do you feel that you musthave another one, if you hate the maternity leave so much?

Surely you don't have to spend a year at home if you don't want to? It's not compulsory to take the whole 12 months off.

Go back to work when baby is 6mo? The first 6 months just fly by - you won't even notice it!

Also, do you actually want another child? Don't have one just to give your DD a sibling, having a brother or sister isn't always a positive experience (I wish I'd been an 'only') and some research has shown that only children are happier, and their parents are too!

Either don't have another one or find a way to make it work. Keep busy. Find the positives.

If you approach maternity leave like it's a prison sentence, it'll feel like one.

There are plenty of happy, well adjusted only children out there. You shouldn't feel pressured into having another one just for the sake of your DD. The more important question is, do you and your DP want another baby?

I agree with low, why have another one?

I also think your post comes across as a bit panicky ...take your time.

All this "and I'd want t breastfeed and BLW" has worn me out, I'm just reading it :)

There is no law on age gaps! Ds1 is 6 and ds2 is 9 weeks. I get the baby all to myself during the day when ds1 is at school and will be able to do all the baby groups in peace!

Our gap is about a year more than we were wanting, it took us longer to fall pregnant than we'd hoped. That's something else you might want to consider.

Why do you need a full year off? I exclusively breastfed for 6 months, I do BLW and I go back to work on Monday. DS is 7 months old. Neither of those things say you must be at home for 12 months.

Take maternity leave out of the equation. Do you want another child? If yes, you need to hatch a plan to make it work. If not then stay as you are!

Don't have another baby then. Your baby won't turn on you and leave home and cut you off forever if she doesn't get a sibling. She won't know any different! Ok so some only children say they hated it, but lots more say they loved it - it's the same as any other family set up, you have ups and downs.
What if you grudgingly have another baby and your daughter hates it?
The only reason to have another child is if you and your partner want one. Not for anyone else.

Are you only considering having another child so your DD has a sibling?

If you do want a second DC, maternity can be fine, the eldest will be in preschool / nursery some of the time (free EYFS hours), you can make friends with mums with two or more DC, go to playgroups and things. And some small babies can easily be bundled around to things for the eldest! If you decide to go back to work early, plenty of CMs and nurseries will offer baby-led weaning etc.

You can't have another child because you think dd should have a sibling. You have another child because you want to parent another person. I agree 12 months maternity leave is not obligatory.
How old are you? I have six years between dd2 and dd3 and it was brilliant. like having your first baby all over again but you knew what you were doing with it!

I'd feel like I was cheating a second child but not taking a full year. I could leave a larger gap of course but then I be older than I'd like....I guess I come across as panicked because I do feel that now is the right time to have another child in terms of my age and DDs age. So hence the pressure. I do want two children yes. Bot I don't want to do maternity leave again. So that's my problem.

As the others say, you don't have to take a whole year off. I had 3 dc and took a year off altogether, between the 3 mat leaves. I found mat leaves quite hard, even though I've worked part time for most of the last few years so I don't mind being at home some days, just not every day for weeks and months on end.

you can bf and go back to work, lots of working mothers do, expressing isn't that hard. Similarly you can ask nurseries or childminders to respect your feeding plans.

I'm 31. My two best friends are both onlys and they hated it. But no, it's not just for the sake of a sibling. I think I do want two children.

I went back to work with DD at 4 months, she was EBF to 6 months and then we did BLW. With DS I am taking longer off as I am currently not working. You just end up taking the baby to all the toddler playgroups where the other adults are more than happy to take off your hands.

If your eldest is in childcare already for 3 days can she stay? By the time number two comes along they'll probably be at the free 15 hours childcare part.

Can you afford to keep DC1 in childacre at least part of the week? I am pregnant with no2 and planning on keeping DD1 in childcare 2 maybe 3 days a week if it is feasible. This will give me time to bond with the new DC and also keep DD1 in her current routine.

Of course it's not 'cheating' to take less than 12 months of leave . Seriously? What is this guilt/martyr thing I keep seeing recently? Your child will be fine whether you go back after 12 months, or 6 or 3 months, or whatever works for you. They will not remember or care.

We couldn't afford childcare for DD if I wasn't working, although yes, she could have the free entitlement. I know less than a year isn't cheating, I just meant in terms of fairness to both children.

If I was you, I'd wait a little longer so that DC1 would have turned 3 by the time DC2 comes along, this will give you 15 hours free childcare a week, this translates normally as 4 or 5 mornings a week, it will just be the afternoons you have both of them. Get involved with the NCT again, see if there are any 'refresher' groups so you can meet mums who'll be doing this the second time round.

If you want to have a smaller gap and try for DC2 now, could you afford to keep your DC1 in the childcare they currently are in 3 days a week? (possibly dropping it to mornings only)

Finally, look at every toddler group in your area, check every church as most will do something, see if there's any toddler activities at your local leisure centre, your DC1 will be soon at an age where they will just run in and play with the toys, so you can talk to the other mums/carers at the groups.

It's not set in stone that you have to take a whole year, after 5-6 months if you are not enjoying it, you could look at going back sooner.

At 31 most likely you've got plenty of time. Over a decade in fact. Just leave this for a bit.

Oh, just seen you won't be able to afford childcare, can I just check, do you use childcare vouchers and does your company just pay SMP? If so, I believe (but check!) that as the vouchers are considered a benefit your company has to keep giving them to you when you are on maternity leave, but they are also not allowed to pay you less than SMP so the company has to pay for them for you, that effectively means you get a years worth of vouchers for free. I was planning on banking my with DC2 (currently pregnant) although we are thinking that that would pay for at least one day a week at nursery.

That's a really odd idea of fairness though, plenty of parents don't have exactly the same childcare arrangments and timings for each child, either because circumstances change or because they've learned from the first time what does or doesn't work for them. I've never heard of it being an issue.

It seems like either you don't really want another child and are looking for excuses not to, or you're determined to needlessly trap yourself with guilt into a situation that makes you unhappy. I don't get it at all.

You clearly are quite mixed up about wanting a second child. You dont have to you know - its not the law :)#
I understand entirely how you feel, however I have two, so I want to stop for all the reasons you've mentioned, plus the fact that I would have to give up work entirely and become a SAHM, which I most definately dont want.

You're still young - theres no massive hurry to have another. Forget about age differences.

What does your DP want?

The thing is as well - your second is never going to get the same level of attention as your first did. They arent being 'cheated' by not having had that - they have no idea that you took a year off with DC1 - it makes no difference to them. Seriously - it doesnt. Its in your head. Try and push it out.
What does make a difference is having a happy parent - if you are miserable at home with them because you can't see the 'end' of your 'term' of maternity leave - then they are being cheated of you.