To dread the thought of a second maternity leave?

[grobagsforever]

DD is 22 months. She sleeps throughout the night and naps once a day. She can talk and is interesting. I am back at work three days a week and love having the mental stimulation. I can out in the evening if I want to. But..the question of a second child is becoming pressing. The fact is I don't want to spend a year at hone looking a baby and a toddler. I survived mat leave first time but hanging out with NCT buddies a lot. But you can't just trail a toddeler everywhere like you can a baby. I'm just not sure I could cope with the isolation and lack of working outside the hone. Or the exhaustion and lack of social life. But I'd hate for DD not to have a sibling. Asking DP to take on childcare isn't really an option as I would want to BF exclusively for six months and then do BLW after that, in fact DD is still BF...

Your "problems" are entirely self-imposed

1 you don't have to have another baby ever

2 if you do want two children, you don't have to have the second any time soon

3 if you do have another child soon, you don't need to take a full year of maternity leave

You sound quite rigid in your expectations - and I say that in the nicest possible way. Saying things like you MUST ebf for 6 month, you MUST do blw, is all rather prescriptive isn't it? Relax, from a psychological perspective, kids do best with a minimum of 3 yrs age difference between siblings, optimum would be 4 yrs + (psychology student in the house!). So you'd be doing your DD no disservice by waiting until you feel truly ready.

I agree that maybe waiting til your first is at school is your best bet. It gives you a bit of time too to really think it through.

I love being an only child btw.

I had my second DC a few months ago and it is really hard work. She is an 'easy' baby compared to my DS but I've had several moments over the last few weeks when I've wanted to walk out and leave them to it.

I wouldn't say I'm looking forward to going back to work but if I don't I will go round the bend.

Second DC was very much wanted but I have days when I winder what I was thinking having another (can you tell I'm having a bad day today?)

Just don't take a full year then!!! In Belgium maternity leave is 3 months and the children all seem to grow into normal, well-rounded adults!

Pretty simple - don't take a year off!
You will soon learn that treating both your children fairly is not the same thing as 'doing the same thing for both of them'. They will have totally different experiences because one is your first born, and the 'only' at the time, and one will always have an older sibling. Throughout life there will be times when 1 needs more support than the other, and you will give it, because that is the right thing to do, at that time in your life, for that child. You will not be doing anyone any favours if you think everything always has to be "the SAME" for 2 siblings.

You sound pretty negative and jumpy about the whole idea apart from what you feel you "should" be doing.

I'm a SAHM to a toddler and due DC2 in 8 weeks. It isn't that hard. Relentless, yes, but being around a toddler can be fun and mentally stimulating too :)

If you wait unti your dd is over three years old then she wil have the childcare vouchers and you can do nct type things with your younger baby. Why the rush to have the second baby?

Don't feel you have to have another child until you are ready. The only ideal age gap is the one that suits you. Also, there are many, perfectly contented only children.

As it happens, I found being pg - and afterwards - with ds2 far less of a culture shock. Firstly you tend to be more relaxed but also you tend to move in a world where everyone else is "trailing a toddler around".

Actually being pregnant can be more tiring when you've got another child but I had a very short gap between mine - 18 months, so I'd barely delivered one baby before I was expecting another. This would not be the case for you, OP, if your dd is already 22 months old.

You will not treat your second child the same as the first anyway. It's inevitable. You will have another child requiring your attention. You will have learnt what to do/what not to do from raising #1. You don't have to take exactly the same amount of time off with each. Many of my friends have taken considerably less than a year and their children seem to be just fine.

We timed DD2 for when DD1 started school. It meant maternity leave coincided with those first two terms, when I wanted to get involved with school stuff to meet the parents. I got the days to spend with baby, the afternoons to hear about DD's day. Then, just as the boredom of maternity kicked in and my brain started to ooze out of my ears, I went back to work.

That would only be a 2 year wait for you.

Why not just wait awhile? There's eight and ten years between me and my elder siblings and it was lovely growing up because they were kind to me and looked after me rather than arguing/fighting with me and as adults, the age gap doesn't seem much at all.

I was similar.

However maternity leave this time around is much easier. Baby gets dragged along with toddler. I'm more confident at making friends. I'm much more sociable (albeit playdates) than I was with DS. It's going faster and I don't want to go back to work which shocks me!

I'm also going back to work sooner than with ds. I feel guilty about it but figure that DD will have DS to keep her company anyway.

thanks for that Luciemay, I've just had our third baby and there's nine and twelve years between her and her sisters. I do worry that the age gap is too great and that she'll grow up feeling like an only child, so reading posts like yours cheer me up lots x

Thank you everyone for your thoughtful comments. We could use childcare vouchers yes. I really can't, at this stage imagine putting a baby under a year in childcare and yes uk ow I am VERY lucky to have that choice. I think it's the fact that they might not be mobile that bothers me, I'd hate think of them unable to get where they wanted. It was a huge comfort to me that DD was walking when she started nursery. Irrational maybe, but that's how I felt. TBH Iwish I was SAHM material as I do feel guilty about working, but I couldn't do it.

Lots of people have suggested a large age gap. it's an idea. But I had my first child youngish so I wouldn't have to stress about conceiving post 35, I'm pretty neurotic about such things.

Hmpf, it's very tricky. But I'm very lucky to have options,I know that.

I'm an only child, love it. Siblings look like hassle. So don't worry about him being an only.

If you feel like this, why not wait another 9 months or so and then start TTC (by my reckoning, you will still be under 35 although can't be bothered to work it out) - by the time the baby arrives, your DD will qualify for the free 15 hours and you know you will get a break and can spend the time doing 'quality' stuff with your DS.

I know how you feel - I realised fairly early on that I was not cut out to be at home with a toddler (baby, yes - toddler, no) but I was very lucky that I could still afford to keep DS1 in nursery for a few days each week whilst I was on maternity leave - it was a godsend!

Grobags - we waited until dd was 4 before ttc number 2. I too didn't fancy being at home with two children. I too wanted a whole year off for dc2 in the interests of fairness.

So, that's what we did. Dc2 was born the day after dc1 started school. That second maternity leave was still the hardest year of my life (so far).

Anyway, I'm happy being back at work and dc2 idolises dc1 so it worked out okay.

I had a four year gap and it was brilliant. I was more confident, my elder one was at preschool and then I was around to settle him into school when he started. I then went to quite a few "baby-orientated" things with the younger one.

They get on great and I would highly recommend it. I found my first mat leave hard but the second was great. If you're not ready don't do it yet.

You sound pretty neurotic about alot of things - stop panicking and start thinking rationally.

1. you dont have to have anoher baby.
2. you don't have to take maximum maternity leave although I think you have to legally take 2 weeks minimum.

Ah the guilt factor... I can really identify with that, although I was feeling guilty about going back after 8 and 13 weeks respectively (never felt guilty about the different lengths though!). I dealt with my guilt first time by being adamant my baby wouldn't have formula (so many hours with the pump in the first aid room at work) and would BLW. Then second time I had to do the same to be fair...

FWIW I look back now and realise all my effort was not for the DCs' benefit (I don't believe the fact they never had formula has had any bearing on their health or happiness).

I'm not sure this helps you- probably not. Your comment on justifying the guilt by rationalising it with some sort of fairly arbitrary self-imposed barrier really resonated though...

I hated maternity leave. I was so desperately lonely and sad. DS is now my best buddy, and I love every minute I spend with him.

We're not having another.

lowfatiscrap- no problem :-) I had a very happy childhood. My brother and sister argued a lot with each other, but never with me! They both used to take me out when they were older themselves and their friends/boyfs/girlfs always fussed over me. Now that I'm 32, and they're 38 and 40, it hardly seems like there's any age gap at all. It has definitely decreased as we got older. I also became an aunty at 16 which was fantastic fun and helped me in terms of looking after babies/kids for when I had DS.