Not to give my sister any more baby clothes.

[MegumiEto]

My DS1 was the first baby in our family for a long time, so I had to buy everything. Some second hand, a lot of budget stuff, but all was in good condition when I lent it to my sister for her DS. She didn't have to buy anything, including cot, moses basket, all clothes.

Since then, I had another DS, and (as was always the plan BTW as she doesn't want any more DC), I have got the age-appropriate stuff back. But most of it is in terrible condition. She obviously doesn't separate colours when washing (which wouldn't bother me too much), but she also never puts a bib on her DS, so the fronts of most of the tops are stained and horrible. Worst of all is that most of them have obviously been put into her washing basket wet and then left for ages, as there is mould stains too. I have washed them several times but it won't come out. Two thirds have had to be thrown away, which has meant I've had to buy loads of baby clothes again.

She also lost the moses basket hood and liner, so I had to buy replacements, and the pushchair she borrowed was filthy with food. My sister is quite acerbic and tbh scares me a bit, so I didn't say anything to her.

However, as her DS grows, she is expecting me to give her my DS1's clothes that he has grown out of, and now I really don't want to. The clothes aren't expensive or designer or anything, and my DS is as mucky as any other kid, but I feel as though she has been over-neglectful of the condition of these clothes, knowing that I want them back.

Should I just suck it up and hand them over, or should I say something?

Say something to her else it'll eat you up.

I wouldn't give her anything else

I wouldn't give them too her, especially not now you have a need for them.

I have a similar arrangement with my sister with me being the one with the middle child. The clothes that get passed back to her for her youngest are in perfect condition with the bonus of some extra bits I have got for DS. Plenty has done all 3 children and been able to be passed on to a friend.

Of course some bits will get ruined but their is no reason most shouldn't be useable.

Considering she has no respect for things she is borrowing, YANBU at all. It's a no brainer. Just pack the clothes away ready for your ds2, and if she brings it up then make some excuse about toddlers being more mucky/lots of stuff getting ruined at nursery and say you don't think they will stand up to doing three children.

I don't know that you've got any choice. I think that what you do right now, and how you approach this is going to set what you do for quite some time in the future. So if you don't be firm on this issue you will find it a lot harder later on.

You don't have to tell her what you think of the way that she treats clothes. That's her business and none of yours really. Just don't give her the clothes, pack them away for your DS2. If she says anything, or it becomes clear that something needs to be said, just say that you haven't finished with them yet as DS2 hasn't worn them yet.

If she gets ascerbic with you, don't respond. Don't say anything. Disengage emotionally from her if you need to, it really does help. She is your sister, and I am sure you love her, and she will always be family. But she's no longer Your Family. Your DS1 and DS2 are.

I am sure that if she has more children, and you don't, you'll happily give her all your baby gear. Tell her that if you need to.

Just hand on the tattier..least favourite bits to your sister. Then pack the nice stuff away for your ds. If she queries it just say.. He has been really rough on his clothes recently and the rest were too tatty/stained to pass on

How much is their between her DS and your DS2 size wise? Could it be that you can use the "sorry but I will need it for DS2 before your DS is likely to have outgrown it" reason?

YANBU - if you lend things on then you expect the borrower to take good care of your items. Obviously babies are messy eaters and you'd expect to lose one or two bits to staining from food but certainly not mould, yuck .

The next bag of stuff your sister returns in poor condition i'd look through in front of her and explain that you're sad she didn't take better care of the stuff but that does mean you will be keeping your stuff for your own DS's in future. And if she argues, remember that "no" is a complete sentence!

Well lending baby stuff is a terrible idea because babies trash stuff - so that was a bit silly in the first place. Now however of course you shouldn't pass things on if you can put them away for dc2. How about passing down the cheap stuff you have no attachment to, as a token gesture?

YANBU

My sis, bro and I have this arrangement.

Stuff does get worn/lost, but most of it comes back fine and I'm about to use the gender-neutral baby clothes for baby no.6 between us. New stuff gets added along the way, so nobody has to buy a new set of clothes.

She must be very slovenly and careless to have ruined so many clothes in such a short space of time. I'm very far from housekeeper of the year, but even I can keep clothes in reasonable shape for a few months.

I took care of my babies clothes but they were still wrecked. I did have vomity children in that might have been part of it but they always had bibs on to catch the sick. I never had anything in good enough condition to pass down to anyone and i am always amazed that others do.

YANBU - could you mention to your mum how much you've had to throw away and ask if she could "let it slip" to your sister? Then if she does ask again, if you make an excuse it will be harder for her to insist?

YANBU

If you can't bear a confrontation say he is harder on his clothes than he used to be.

If you can be a little brave say you have put them in the loft for ds2.

If you can grow a pair say you won't be loaning anything else out as the last lots was not returned in a use-able condition and you need them for ds2.

YANBU. I had this arrangement with friends (have had to stop now our children are growing more slowly and things don't get outgrown in time!)

I always took extra special care of things that belonged to my friend, and I know she did the same for me - you expect a bit of wear, and the odd stain, but if loads of clothes are getting ruined, then you need to stop the arrangement. Personally I would have been mortified to hand back clothes that were ruined anyway.

Just say "Oh, you know how messy children can be, I don't think the clothes would stand up to three boys wearing them, so I want to keep them for DS2."

God no. Tell her you have put stuff away because ds2 needs it. It she persists, then tell her that the first lot of stuff wad ruined and you cannot afford to buy everything twice over.

YANBU

DD's clothes are now waiting for a fifth baby - us plus three friends have used them - and they're still in good condition.

I would be completely honest with her; it's awful that you feel scared of her :(

Yanbu to not give her anything more...but yabu to expect baby clothes to last through three wears. Your baby had them then hers...that's a lot of wear for baby clothes.

Not receiving any clothes from you might make her appericiate things more. Iam in EXACTLY the same position with my sister.
Except when i ask for the clothes back (most expensive/designer/limited edition - PFB, ive learnt my lesson ) she tells me to tell her exactly what outfit i want and she'll dig it out. My nephew has outgrown them all yet, she still wont hand them over? Annoying.

I would not mention it until she asks for clothes, and then, I would say that you feel that it is better for now to be keeping them for DS2.
Leave it at that. Assuming they are not destitute or anything.

With SiL with whom we had a similar issue, I have now donated all the boys left over clothes to a local charity that provides clothes for those in real need.

thespokennerd I don't think baby clothes doing 3 children is unrealistic at all, some on the clothes DS wore are on their 4th child now, plenty of people on this thread have mentioned clothes being passed through multiple children. Yes some things get ruined but looked after their is no reason they can't be passed on.

Did you make it clear that you would want everything back in good condition? If not then Yabu.
When you give someone something it's then their possession to treat however they want.

Yanbu for not wanting to give her anything else though

YANBU. We had the first child in mine and DH's families and when the next baby was on its way we offered our moses basket. It's come back for DC2 in perfect condition, having now been used by four babies in the family. We also pass clothes around and we are all happy knowing that lovely clothes will be worn lots and that barring accidents and natural wear that they will be looked after well and passed on to the next baby. We look after clothes which have been lent to us better than things we have bought. If you can't face telling your sister directly then excuses like slow growth and more wear from your older son should be enough - since DS has been walking his trousers have all ended up being worn through the knees despite where they're from, just from playing.

It depends on the baby, and what age you're talking about, and some clothes last better than others too, of course.

But it sounds like the clothes mentioned should have been able to last for 3 DC, but were badly looked after.

YANBU, don't give her any more.

YANBU.

There are your things, and she has proven that she can't take care of them and return them in the condition you would expect.

Don't lend anything else, and don't feel bad about it. You are not responsible for clothing your sister's child!

yanbu and i like jendots idea of giving her the well worn bits and bits you dont like so much.

lots of my baby clothes have been through my 5 AND gone onto my sisters little ds and she has given me stuff back (not that i plan on any more) and they would be fine to wear again.

babies clothes are often passed around lots and yes some get stained but really they grow so quickly nad wear things for such a short space of time that i would expect them to be fine after only 2 babies have worn them, mine all have been. my boys have stuff worn by all 5 of them and my friends ds and i ahve various hand me downs from other friends, some clothes have done 7 children!

once they get older ie over 1 stuff doesnt always last as well as knees go etc but baby clothes can and should last ime.

as for losing bits of the moses basket and the pushchair being filthy she should have bought the replacement parts and you can clean pushchairs, again i have lent them out and i alwasy clean them beforehand and the one i bought second hand from a friend was cleaned before i bought it from her.

i think your sister has been really rude tbh!

Ybh I wouldnt ever lend baby clothes. I GIVE them away keeping the stuff I would be sad not to put anothrr dc in and the rest gets doled out as and when others around me need it.

I would, in your shoes, say you are putting all of DS1s stuff away for DS2. No explainations.