Not to give my sister any more baby clothes.

[MegumiEto]

My DS1 was the first baby in our family for a long time, so I had to buy everything. Some second hand, a lot of budget stuff, but all was in good condition when I lent it to my sister for her DS. She didn't have to buy anything, including cot, moses basket, all clothes.

Since then, I had another DS, and (as was always the plan BTW as she doesn't want any more DC), I have got the age-appropriate stuff back. But most of it is in terrible condition. She obviously doesn't separate colours when washing (which wouldn't bother me too much), but she also never puts a bib on her DS, so the fronts of most of the tops are stained and horrible. Worst of all is that most of them have obviously been put into her washing basket wet and then left for ages, as there is mould stains too. I have washed them several times but it won't come out. Two thirds have had to be thrown away, which has meant I've had to buy loads of baby clothes again.

She also lost the moses basket hood and liner, so I had to buy replacements, and the pushchair she borrowed was filthy with food. My sister is quite acerbic and tbh scares me a bit, so I didn't say anything to her.

However, as her DS grows, she is expecting me to give her my DS1's clothes that he has grown out of, and now I really don't want to. The clothes aren't expensive or designer or anything, and my DS is as mucky as any other kid, but I feel as though she has been over-neglectful of the condition of these clothes, knowing that I want them back.

Should I just suck it up and hand them over, or should I say something?

Thanks everyone, glad that a lot seem to agree that this isn't right. Obviously I was expecting wear and tear and some stains are unavoidable, but never using bibs and then letting clothes get mouldy I thought crossed a line.

She didn't mention anything when she gave them back either, so perhaps she thinks they were fine. I'm surprised, because she's quite an immaculate person herself, she dresses to the nines and never leaves the house without make-up.

There are two years between my DS1 and her DS, and only one year between her DS and my DS2, so as they get older it's doubtful her DS will outgrow things before my DS2 needs them. I'd like another DC too, was hoping they'd last for him/her as well!

YABU. You shouldn't lend clothes that you expect back.

The mould stains are probably banana. After ds1 his clothes were immaculate and I was glad I kept them for ds2 . After ds2 they really are in poor condition even though I have looked after them just the same.

If it was me, I'd say nothing and if your sister asks if she can have some clothes at a later date, just say, oh I would but I need to save them for dc2 as he will be wearing them soon.

just say something!

dear sis i am not giving you stuff as its comes back ruined, and i have to buy more, ergo out of pocket

simple!

YANBU. It's totally reasonable for you to hang on stuff to pass on to your own DS now.

It neverfails to amaze me how people expect a favour! SHe is not entitled to your dcs clothes!

If she asks for them (which would be to me) i would just say you need them for your child.

"YABU. You shouldn't lend clothes that you expect back."

:o

Bonnie, I don't think you're quite getting the concept of "lend".

it says in the op that it was always made clear the clothes were a loan and not just being given, i give stuff away as well but yes have lent stuff and been lent stuff and i make sure i look aftere it.

i mean to give back clothes that are mouldy? hell i am not the best housewife and sometimes stuff gets left in the machine etc, but how long do you need to leave it for it to get MOULDY? has it maybe been sat in a damp loft? but even so i ALWAYS check and wash stuff before i lend/give it and would never give mouldy clothes!

as i said op your sister has been very rude, if you feel you must give her stuff then give her the worn bits you dont like, that are already well used, nothing nice. i also cant believe she lost stuff and didnt replace it tbh, or at least OFFER to replace it herself, you have done her a favour and she has shown no consideration to you :(

I think the idea of 'lending' baby clothes is bizarre tbh.
Never lend out anything you can't afford to lose.

If I handed over baby clothes, I wouldn't expect them back tbh.

By the same token, I would never 'borrow' baby clothes from anyone either, because I couldn't be arsed having to treat them like the crown jewels to be returned. If I'm not getting to keep them, I don't want them.

I don't think yabu at all...but I don't think your sister is either. You have different expectations from the arrangement.

Agree with sparkybabe above - she does seem to feel very entitled about this. Does she expect never to have to pay for any kids' clothes herself because her DS will get yours his whole life?

I vote for not mentioning the state of the clothes directly, but saying if she asks that now you have DS2 he will obviously be using them and they won't last through being worn by 3 kids, so she will have to look elsewhere. If she presses the issue, don't get into the argument about the clothes' condition - just do 'broken record' and stick with your line that they are for DS2 now.

I also think that the 'lending' of baby clothes is a bad idea and you should either just pass them on forever when you're not using them anymore, or keep them. However, what's done is done on that score: plus your sister has been rude about the whole thing. I would have apologised for the state of the clothes and probably offered some money towards replacing the worst ones.

How on earth do you lose a moses basket ?

I'm going to use my fave MN phrase here.

'No' is a complete sentence.

No should be the end of it and if she persists, THEN tell her why.

I would just say that your clothes cant be expected to really do three kids (as some of them have not lasted for 2) and so now you have a DS that is going to need them you will be keeping them for him.

Otherwise you are going to have to be buying new clothes again for DS2.

Did you make it clear that you would want everything back in good condition? If not then Yabu. When you give someone something it's then their possession to treat however they want.

Well yes. But these weren't given, were they? They were lent. And it isn't U to expect things to be returned in as similar a condition as they were lent in allowing for reasonable wear and tear. Especially baby clothes which are grown out of quickly and should last for more than two babies.

Having experienced the wildly different expectations that people have in this respect, and witnessed similar grief to that the OP describes, I tended not to lend baby clothes. Instead I gave them outright once I knew I'd have no need further need of them.

So I'd be inclined to hang on to what you know you will need for your ds2, OP and give away items you don't want care about seeing again.

Incidentally, I'm betting the mould is actually banana too. Not that this helps...

Lending out baby clothes is only a bizzare idea if you expect exactly the same items back in exactly the same condition.

My sister 'lent' me clothes from her Ds1, some of the clothes got ruined (but not many) and I got some new ones along the way too. When she had her DS2 I gave her all the old clothes from my Ds as I am not having anymore. Works perfectly well, its at the point now where her DS is going to overtake mine in size so I will buy new for the overlap period and then she will give me the old clothes when her two have grown out of them. Works perfectly well.

Has she actually asked for more clothes? I can't actually believe people are that cheeky! How did she phrase it exactly?

YANBU to not give her anything else. Some stuff will inevitably get ruined but the bulk of it should be in good condition. And do tell her why. She may not even be aware!

There's no excuse for not stripping a buggy to clean it up - most are very easy.

One little point though - ds always wears a bib, always changed regularly. He's 11m and has been a dribbler for ages as well as sicky. Yet, even though he wears a bib all the time, his clothes are also marked around the neck.

In the grand scheme of things, that's a very small point though!

Athinginyourlife - Oh yeah.

yanbu. say no to lending them on the grounds that you need them.

we had clothes that did three babies (passed down) and some of the young baby clothes are still fine for a fourh when i can emotionally detach and realise I am not having a third baby!

bonnie has a point though. lending stuff that you are emotionally attached too and don't want damaged/lost is a risk. stick to the stuff that you would like back but would not be devastated to lose.

YANBU. My sister gave me clothes that all five of her babies have worn, and then were worn by my DS, and I gave them back. Some were obviously more worn, but nothing was ruined (and that's from a woman who's baby is sick every 2 bloody minutes!).

I have had a couple of bibs go mouldy - there were only in the wash basket a day or two, so no idea how it happened, but obviously I would never then lend those to someone else! If something had happened with a piece of borrowed clothing, then I would apologise when I gave the rest of it back.

My SIL is currently pregnant, so if she has a boy then I will most likely loan her a lot of clothes too - but will probably say when I give them that we would like most of them back eventually (not sure if we will have another) and if anything has particular sentimental value, then I would say. It's a difficult one though - if something has a lot of emotional value to you, you kind of don't want to lend it, but then it does get more sentimental if other family member have worn it too. I've got some pictures of DS in some little vests that his teenage cousin wore too, and I love that there's a bit of 'history' in some of his clothes, iyswim?

YANBU, definitely don't give her any more of your baby clothes. If you want to avoid be too confrontational about it you could try saying that you don't think baby clothes can survive more than two children and you can't afford to keep buying new ones for your second DS. You can make it sound like you believe the damage on the clothes she's given back to you is just the normal wear and tear of two children rather than suggest she's doing anything wrong and hopefully tactfully extracate yourself from the situation that way. Or of course you can tell her outright, but I'm a coward about these things.

YANBU - simply tell you you have 2 DS now and will not be passing on any clothes until they have both worn them.

Gettheetoanunnery - do people have to specify that things they are lending people should be looked after properly, and come back in reasonable condition? Really? If someone lends me something, I treat it with care, and hand it back in as near the same condition as possible (less easy with childrens' clothes, I realise, but I would do my best). I am a bit shocked that there are people who think it is OK to borrow stuff and treat it with no care whatsoever.