Not to give my sister any more baby clothes.

[MegumiEto]

My DS1 was the first baby in our family for a long time, so I had to buy everything. Some second hand, a lot of budget stuff, but all was in good condition when I lent it to my sister for her DS. She didn't have to buy anything, including cot, moses basket, all clothes.

Since then, I had another DS, and (as was always the plan BTW as she doesn't want any more DC), I have got the age-appropriate stuff back. But most of it is in terrible condition. She obviously doesn't separate colours when washing (which wouldn't bother me too much), but she also never puts a bib on her DS, so the fronts of most of the tops are stained and horrible. Worst of all is that most of them have obviously been put into her washing basket wet and then left for ages, as there is mould stains too. I have washed them several times but it won't come out. Two thirds have had to be thrown away, which has meant I've had to buy loads of baby clothes again.

She also lost the moses basket hood and liner, so I had to buy replacements, and the pushchair she borrowed was filthy with food. My sister is quite acerbic and tbh scares me a bit, so I didn't say anything to her.

However, as her DS grows, she is expecting me to give her my DS1's clothes that he has grown out of, and now I really don't want to. The clothes aren't expensive or designer or anything, and my DS is as mucky as any other kid, but I feel as though she has been over-neglectful of the condition of these clothes, knowing that I want them back.

Should I just suck it up and hand them over, or should I say something?

YANBU. I learnt my lesson after lending loads of stuff to my SIL. Half the clothes never came back (the more expensive ones, making me think that she sold them?) and she managed to lose a booster seat and a baby gym! I also lent her a pushchair and she broke it. No mention of replacing it.

I have 5 boys and most of the clothes have been through all of them, obviously there are some stains as they are mucky lads, but they wore bibs or ate topless! I am a crap housewife but I haven't managed to get anything mouldy either!

I wouldnt lend people any baby clothes. I would however pass them on to other people and not expect them back. If i was planning on having another chid id keep the stuff to myself. If your sis was aware that she was borrowing the things then she is very irresponsible for not taking care of it.

Most of my childs clothes after the age of 18 months just had to be thrown out as my child was an active child and used to get worn quite easily.

Id jus say to ur sis that u are either keeping the clothes for ur own child or that they are too tatty and worn to be passed on.

I don't think the OP was emotionally attached to the stuff she lent. She just expected more than 25% of it to be returned in a reasonable state.

Of course things babies wear will get wrecked. That's to be expected, but if you give someone all your baby clothes you can normally expect to get most of it back in a useable state.

We "loaned" lots to my Sis and SIL when their babies were small. (We have one DD and are unlikely, although not definitely, to have more). The baby clothes will never come back. Sis has minded what we gave to her, and indeed offered things to SIL (the 2 DS's are almost same age, but Sis's DD is a year older than SIL's elder DD, and there's another younger SIL DD too). But getting them from Sis's place in Scotland to Southern ireland would be difficult and costly for her (and no way would SIL facilitate in any way, just expect them handed over).

Sis is very grateful always, and I leave things for her in the house that she visits when she comes, so that she can rummage at her ease, have things for hols there and bring back what she wants (and can fit into luggage).

SIL just expects things. She got the buggy, car seats, high chair, bouncy chair, LOADS of clothes and a few toys. And they all get trashed. We had 2 car seats of the stage 1 type (2 cars and often 1 car would drop to creche and the other collect - so it made sense and we could afford them). As they have 2 cars also, they sought both - we said they could have 1 for themselves, but the other would need to be shared with my mum for when her other Grandkids were visiting (fly from Scot). The hassle we used to have getting that sorted when needed, the FILTH on the seat when finally given, the straps were broken (couldn't be properly tightened) more than once (and my mum kept fixing this), MIL was mortified (she'd been the go-between a couple of times and SCRUBBED the seat before handing over) and then I'd get phonecalls wondering had Sis gone home yet as they "needed the seat back" - all fine, until you realise that this was in fact their seat #3 for the childminder - they had bought a seat tehmselves too so already had 2 in their 2 cars!!

I hadn't given them any clothes for a couple of years, as Sis definitely needs them more than SIL, and SIL gets loads from her own sis's too. But DH was recently asked if there were any spares floating around that they could get (she made his DBro ask ) so I got a few things from the bags I had just sent down to the other house (Sis hadn't seen them yet) - and DH gave them to her when he was down (I was home recovering from a rear-ender accident). No word of thanks even.

Mostly at this stage though, DD is very hard on her clothes so there is less to pass on. And I reckon that if we were to have another, then I will have to buy ALL the equipment again as, even if SIL deigns to give anything back to us, it will be beyond use by that stage. (I would be very unsurprised if my Sis turns up on one of her visits with a suitcase full coming over bringing lots of things back for me).

Actually, I've just remembered, that she never asked for most of it in the first place. We had stored a few bags in MIL's attic and these were "gone through" by BIL and SIL without telling anyone (he was up getting somehting else one day and brought the bags down for SIL to go through), so when I went up to get the sorta year 1-2 size girl things for Sis's baby girl as she was growing into them - they were mostly gone (all the nice things had been taken) for SIL's baby girl not yet born (pg and knew it was a girl).

But DH was recently asked if there were any spares floating around that they could get (she made his DBro ask angry)

I'm afraid I'd have said no!!

It may be too late, but Vanish can get really stubborn stains out, if you leave them soaking for several days, rather than the hours that it says on the pot (got this tip from a lady I was working at a jumble sale with).

Yabu to expect baby/toddler clothes to come back in the condition that you gave them, YANBU not to lend anymore to your sister. Tell her no you are saving them for ds2

I do really feel for you as I will now be in your position but I don't think this is about baby clothes, as you don't strike me as the petty type if you are willing to share what you have with your sister.

I think she has hurt your feelings by being careless with the things you have shared with her.

If you want to continue sharing with her then you should try and tell her how you feel, if you don't feel able to then thats your answer dont be bullied into giving her anything else.

I suspect that baby clothes are not the first thing you've handed over in the spirit of generosity.

Good Luck x

PS I have 2 sisters so I know where you are coming from and one just like this

I don't know why baby clothes 'should' end up unusable after 2 babies (which is what some people seem to be implying). I've seen my youngest DN wearing stuff that has gone through my 3 DCs and at least 2 other DNs and still looks fine. When they were older, we've also received jumpers/shirts from an older step-nephew; our 2 DSs have worn them and we've returned them for younger DN to wear.

I wouldn't lend again to someone who can't look after stuff. No reason to wreck equipment either.

LetseatGrandma - DH had already said that he'd "see what we can do", and left it up to me but I know if we hadn't, I'd be getting guilt trips off them.

Then again, maybe I should have ignored it, as DD is going down to stay in PILs (right next door to BIL) for a week in July. All arranged weeks ago, and summer childcare arranged around this (PIL wanted to have her, and it sorts out a headache for me that week). Summer camp in creche (FT) needed to be booked a month ago. Other camps are booked in the past 3 weeks. I have booked my time off (taking some unpaid parental leave as well as annual this summer) over 3 months ago to be able to take it.

Last night, DH was talking to his mum. Bro had been on to HER to find out when DD was coming. THEY are (possibly - only possibly yet) going on hols that week. So could we POSSIBLY change the time that DD is coming down to see her GRANDPARENTS so that it can coincide with them being there and oh so special little prince of DNephew can enjoy killing DD and annoying the hell out of her all week as he has no discipline, everything belongs to him (regardless of who actually owns it), he is very very rough, breaks her stuff and won't leave her alone (constantly in PILS house and won't leave her alone even when she wants some time out to read a book quietly herself). And the darling prince would be sooo upset if DD went off with her grandparents (or 1 of them) to do something without DNephew tagging along with them (and DNephew is too young, small and rough for many things that Grandad and Granny would like to do). If it doesn't turn into an outing for DNiece as well, or indeed the whole shooting match of DNiece2 (6 mths old) and SIL. So much so that we had actually seriously thoguht about not letting DD have a full week there this summer.

DH said no. That is the week that we've organised and it's too late to change it. (Message for his bro). And his mum agreed and thought it would be good for her to have some time alone with them again. (BIL moved next door last autumn after building there - having previously lived 5 miles away from PIL - who are both 160 miles away from us).

Sorry, I think I am a bit wound up about her today (well wound up about her in general, and it's a good way to get rid of other agressions and upsets today about my Granny's both heading towards death and keeping myself from howling in the office).

When my eldest was born, I received several bags of baby clothes that had already gone through 5 babies, and still looked in really good nick. This was from my 2 cousins who had 5 between them. It did DD and then DS and most of it went on to a friend's daughter for her baby, making for an 8th baby altogether.

You just have to take reasonable care. Some of the stuff was 10 years old by the time it reached me.

ok. I am very picky about looking after my own stuff and would never lend it - I give it away or sell it when I am sure it is finished with. I would be upset to have things ruined.

However I have 3 kids and it is rare for something to get through all 3 of them. Don't underestimate how much stains 'develop' when clothes are stored, even for just a year. I had lots from DC1 that I thought would be fine for DC2 but that I actually threw away. Also you overestimate the condition of things when you put them away, you have seen them day in, day out on your kids looking fine, when a more objective view would actually say they are a bit past it. Some kids dribble a LOT and that trashes clothes, even when you are careful with bibs. Some people have a lot more clothes than other people, if I don't wash twice a week my kids don't have enough clothes (depending on the weather). This means stuff is fit for the bin when I have done with it.

Plastic degrades over time too.

Basically I can see how your SIL might have trashed the clothes without being careless. You will know if any of the above excuses could apply.

It will depend on usage, quality of items, care taken - clothes could last for more than 2 kids, but I think the point is here that whether or not that's possible, that is the line OP can use to her sister. She wants to get 2 kids' full worth of wear out of the clothes and those 2 kids are her own. Getting into a negotiation about whether the clothes should last longer will be fatal. That's why I advised earlier to use the 'broken record' technique and keep repeating the line rather than trying to justify the decision.

What the bloody hell, I mean I'm not a rich person but I really don't understand the concept of 3 different babies wearing the same clothes...

Who 'lends' baby clothes

No offence to those that do, it's just an alien thought to me.

Did she know you wanted them back?

YABU!

what did you expect! babies ruin clothes

I handed down loads of baby stuff from DS to family and friends, I'm expecting DC2, it'ld be lovely if we got handed some stuff down for the new baby but I don't expect any of the stuff we passed on to still be in good condition, I don't even expect the same stuff back

in future if you don't want clothes to be worn and used, don't LEND them, GIVE them away or keep them!

"YANBU. I'm pregnant with my first baby. My mum dug down a massive box from their attic containing clothes from when I was a baby, which had been through several cousins and neighbours before being returned. All in great nick."

just because all of the clothes in the box are in great nick, doesn't mean that every item that got passed on made the cut!

we pass stuff around our family too, but with every child some gets added and some gets ruined beyond fixing!

its not about respect! unless you think you can tell a leaky poo newborn not to do it in specific clothes! - some comes out easily some doesn't, and then once you wean there's some things that are fatal for clothes but what can you do? not let your child learn?

Babies ruin some of their clothes, I'm far from anal but I have loads that are still nice. There is a dodgy bit around weaning time when things don't go well I agree, next time i am buying NOTHING nice in 6-9 months!

If Id lent some out, yes of course I would expect some carnage, but also like you say perhaps some additions but doesn't seem this has happened here?

And not bothering to clean the pram is naughty.

some babies ruin more than others..

I'll never understand the concept of lending baby clothes - giving yes, maybe getting given some back, but still giving them to be used!

YANBU - i lent DS1's clothes to a friend whose baby was 3 months after DS. I kept back the special items, and lent stuff saying not to worry if it got ruined. Luckily she was very good with it. Her DS has reflux but always wore bibs. She got utterly stressed about a jacket having a carrot stain that i could barely see bless her. I would still have been upset if things had come back in the condition yours did tho. It just seems so disrespectful. I am not a great hoisekeeper either but wanted my sons clothes to stay nice so he wore coverall bibs when eating. I even send him to his grandparents in the stuff i dont like as much so i dont get annoyed if it gets stained ;). i am now on DS2 (sept) and will be getting everything out of the loft, and my friend has offered me her sons clothes too :). Like you, i think i would feel uncomfortable saying something as it's family, but definately wouldnt lend anything else to her. I take more care over other peoples things than i do my own!