to not tell my In-Laws that I'm coming back to the UK for a visit?

[doradoo]

We live overseas - mainland Europe so not that far away - and tomorrow I'm coming back to the UK with the DCs for two weeks. I have this time planned - staying with my family, seeing friends, godparents, wider family etc. I have not planned to see my In Laws this time - we're back in October to visit them - and also my DH is not coming back this time.

AIBU to have not told them we're coming? DS1 let the cat out of the bag on the phone tonight and of course we then have all the questions if we're coming to them etc etc - never can we come and meet you somewhere....

So we've said we have no time this time - they're meant to be coming to us in August "if we can find the time" they're retired btw... and we will be visiting them in Oct - but of course it's always the guilt trip about having not seen us for so long/ missing the DGCs / lovely to catch up - but it's always us who have to go to them.

So I don't think I'm BU by not having said we're coming over - and also by saying we can't see them this time - but am I just being selfish and should I put the DCs back in the car and sclep to them ( a good couple of hours from where we're staying) just to keep the peace?

No, you can plan what you want to do. If they sat to travel to your parents to see you it would be different.

Will your family see you while you are in UK in October?

YABU not to tell them it's a bit mean I'm sure they love their dgc.

You could simply have said you are coming back, seeing people you normally don't get time for as you are seeing in laws in August but they are welcome to come see you.

Sat? Not sure where that came from! We're is what it should have read

I think you are being a bit unreasonable, I would invite them to come and see you wherever you are in order to keep the peace. A couple of hours would be fine.

Think also on what do you want to happen in October, how would you feel if you come to visit the inlaws and your DH decides not to allocate any time to your family because you saw them in the Summer?

Hmm, maybe a little bit unreasonable?? It sounds as if they irritate you, which is hard to get over, but at the end of the day they just want to see the kids I should think. We have other posters on here complaining that some GPs aren;t interested.

When you visit the ILs in October, will you see your parents on that trip?

I think you are being a bit unreasonable.I know what it is to miss a beloved grandchild who lives abroad.Surely you can spare them a couple of days-you are being a little unkind I fear'

YANBU especially as your DH isn't going too, and October isn't too far away now, I say stick to your guns and encourage them to visit you in August

No we're not seeing my family in October - but will be seeing them at Christmas.

ILs saw us last at Easter so it's not like we've not seen them in ages. I think the main thing that pisses me off is that we're always expected to see them when we're in the UK - they won't come to us/meet us half way - which makes me less inclined to go out of my way for them - especially as DH wont be with me.

We didn't say anything as it's easier to avoid the conversations / the 'you will be seeing us' rather than having to explain why we're not.

having been with the shoe on the other foot, I can tell you its incredibly hurtful to be the family that isnt told and isnt visited.

YABU not to have actively kept the information from them. Now, no matter what you think, it will feel to them that you were specifically avoiding seeing them.

A polite solution would be to drop into conversation that you are over and seeiing X,Y and Z. Maybe saying "We will be really busy catching up with my side of the family, but you know where we will be if you want to pop and see GC".....especially if you KNOW they wont travel, at least you are appearing friendly and aren't beholden to them.

All valid reasons, but if I were the grandparent (on either side of the family) I would be sad at missing any opportunity to see you all.

Surprised that your husband has said nothing also.

I find my ILs difficult, but if he´d bother to arrange it to my convenience, I´d put aside time for them tbh.

Being secretive generally causes bad feeling

Whether your intentions are good, bad or indifferent I think it will be interpreted as a snub by your in laws

I hate this attitude to PIL. You have a son, so one day YOU will be a MIL. Think about what you'd feel if you didn't see your grandchild. For the sake of a couple of hours (or even days?) a year surely you can bloody well "man up" and let them see their grandchildren. You are family.

I think you're being quite unreasonable.

I bet the visit to the in laws in October incorporates time to see your parents as well.

I think you should just be honest with them and say that you would like to see them but its a very long journey to their house with small children.

Then you can offer either that they can come and visit you or you could arrange to meet somewhere half way.

That way that ball is in their court. I'm sure if they really want to see the dgcs they will travel and if they don't then at least it is their choice and you have been honest.

Do you generally get on with them or are there other issues that mean you are not keen on seeing them?

If you know they won't come to see you then invite them to where you are staying for a day. That way you look like the nicer person. I think it's a bit mean not to even give them the option, but I not think you should be expected to travel to them when you are only going to be a couple of hours away.

I don't think you can fairly hold it against them that they don't travel to your home to see you. Presumably you made the descision to move abroad, so you should be the ones to make the most effort to see them.

I feel sorry for the PIL.

I think you are absolutely awful and I hope, really really hope that your DS treats you the same way when he grows up and has children.

YABU. You could have at least given them the option to come and visit you where you are.

YABU to not tell them the truth about coming to the UK

And I think you should have invited them to come to visit wherever you are in the UK. Just explain that you have travelled a long way already with small children and need to pack a lot into your trip to the UK.

I think you are being mean to them.

It's not just inlaws - I don't always tell my parents I'm back either- it's easier for me to do that rather than always be the bad guy for not visiting.

I can't see everyone each time I come back and regardless of how it's phrased noses are always put out of joint - being tied to school holidays makes it even more difficult - especially as ours don't match the UK - so we can't catch up with cousins very easily for example.

I'm made to spread the time I get back in the UK very thin by trying to fit everyone in and in the end we spend more time in the car as we're expected to do all the travelling so over the years have found it easier just to be a bit sparing with the details.