to not tell my In-Laws that I'm coming back to the UK for a visit?

[doradoo]

We live overseas - mainland Europe so not that far away - and tomorrow I'm coming back to the UK with the DCs for two weeks. I have this time planned - staying with my family, seeing friends, godparents, wider family etc. I have not planned to see my In Laws this time - we're back in October to visit them - and also my DH is not coming back this time.

AIBU to have not told them we're coming? DS1 let the cat out of the bag on the phone tonight and of course we then have all the questions if we're coming to them etc etc - never can we come and meet you somewhere....

So we've said we have no time this time - they're meant to be coming to us in August "if we can find the time" they're retired btw... and we will be visiting them in Oct - but of course it's always the guilt trip about having not seen us for so long/ missing the DGCs / lovely to catch up - but it's always us who have to go to them.

So I don't think I'm BU by not having said we're coming over - and also by saying we can't see them this time - but am I just being selfish and should I put the DCs back in the car and sclep to them ( a good couple of hours from where we're staying) just to keep the peace?

I agree with putting the ball in their court - you are travelling here from Europe so they could make an effort.to come and see you while you are here.
But from the pils point of view, you didn't tell them you were coming over, so i suspect that whatever you do will be unreasonable to them.

Oh dear. Yes, I think YABU. Regardless of their past in not meeting you half way, you could at least have given them the chance to do it this time. To not tell them at all is a bit cruel IMO.

If they had found out later that you'd been only a couple of hours away and not told them, they could well be upset and quite rightly so I think.

It's different to say "we're coming to the UK for a couple of weeks, I don't think we'll be able to make it to you, but this is where we'll be if you would like to come and see us", I think that's okay. Although how okay it would be depends on whether you're doing it to deliberately not see them, or whether you actually don't have very much free time.

So yes, I do think YABU for the most part.

Maybe a little unreasonable in not telling them you were planning a visit to the UK. As other posters ahve said, it might have been better to say 'we'll be here on these dates, would be lovely to see you if you cna make it over'.

However, I think YANBU in not wanting to travel to see them, especially without DH around. Especially if they would have made you feel guilty for not visiting them.

You were unreasonable (and quite frankly with DCs to spill the beans a bit daft) to not tell the inlaws that you were visiting the UK.

You are not unreasonable to not visit them.

One of the things we did to help manage the visiting parents thing was that I booked and paid for flights to come to us. GPs all learned to love EasyJet. The big benefit to us was that to keep costs down I booked flights as the new 'season' got released which then meant that I could plan in advance for their visits. It also meant that I could be sure when they were leaving!

We lived abroad for five years........... North America, so far away.......I would never have deceived my in laws about our intention to visit home and my DH would have been shocked at the idea of me not telling his parents I was home with the DCs.

I'll bet when they found out they were hurt, why would you do something like that to the people who nurtured your DH, and I also question your DHs strength of character to agree to the deceit.

YABU, you should have just said you can't make it to them. But that they are welcome to come and see you and left it at that. Obviously you can't do that now as they know you were keeping the visit secret from them and making your DC do the same (that's unfair IMO). I expect they are rather hurt, I would be

I think YABU. They are the grandparents. I think you should make the effort for the immediate grandparents (both sides). Anything else is ancillary. Of course there will be favored aunts or cousins or friends. But grandparents!!! Definitely need to be on top of list!!

Next time I'd say "we're coming back to the UK on x dates. We'd love to see you but we're staying with y. You'd be welcome to visit us there."

As others have said, you should just say you are in the country and let them come visit you if they want to
I'd be really hurt if I were them

The OP has said that she will not be seeing her parents during the October visit.
Also that the ILs were visited at Easter.

I do not think she was unreasonable for not wanting to visit them this time, especially if her DP wasn't going to be there.

I would have mentioned it though, it looks bad when people find out.

I think you are BU to keep it secret. I know how frustrating it can be though when people expect you to be the one to go to see them. Often people don't consider that you're being pulled in lots of directions and that it's exhausting, especially when you have children with you.

Is it possible to, for the next time you visit, tell people that you will be in x,y, or z from this date until that date and that you would love to see them if they'd like to visit? If you've always stretched yourself thinly, perhaps people just take it for granted that you'll carry on doing it and that you're happy to. Put the ball in their court for once.

I don't think you're being unreasonable, it's your time over in the UK and if they're not willing to meet you halfway then why should you kowtow to them?

I guess DS1 has now shown that it's unreasonable to not mention things to people anymore let's hope you don't have any other secrets you don't want to come out

I guess in situations like this history has a lot more relevance than it might. If you've been on the receiving end of them not bothering I can see why you wouldn't be bothered either.

I'm surprised at the posters upthread suggesting that the OP has led this, and insinuating that her DH has been complicit. It may be that the DH has led this and has a poor relationship with his parents. Plenty of posters on here have toxic parents and have to go to lengths to avoid drama, maybe that's what the OP was seeking to avoid - if her family are anything like my DH's inlaws it's a game we understand!

If you saw them at Easter and you're seeing them in October, and they have the possibility of coming to visit you in August, then I think it's perfectly fair enough for you not to see them on this visit.

I can understand not telling them you'll be over to avoid being put under pressure to come and see them, but I think that was a bad idea not to say anything, because there was always the chance of it slipping out and causing problems - as has happened.

Maybe next time you are planning a trip here and not seeing the IL's, you should mention it with a breezy, "Oh yes, we're going to be in XX next month, and of course you're welcome to pop down and see us, but it's a bit out of your way, so better to have a more relaxed chance to meet up in (whenever)."

It sounds like they see quite a lot of you anyway - I was overseas for 12 years, both DC born abroad, and we only made one trip a year back to the UK, so the parents/ILs only got us for a week or so a year, and rarely made the trip out to see us (in Asia, so expensive, and difficult when they got older and had health issues).

YANBU to not visit them this time, but agree it would have been better to have mentioned that you were coming.

The posters who say that YABU have clearly never lived abroad or had to spend every trip back to the UK on the motorway, spending every night with a different relative, and getting totally knackered and stressed in the process. It is hell. I dread going to the UK whilst also desperately wanting to go back to for a shopping trip and to go to the bank!

Hear, hear, Baroness - every year towards the end of our trip DS used to come down with something (tonsillitis, double ear infections, eye infections, non-specific viral things) and I'm sure it was the stress of all the rushing around doing our duty and visiting all the relatives.

I think yabu, tell them what day you and the kids will be available and have them do the traveling and go out to dinner with them, or Lunch. It doesn't take that long. This way you can have Lunch or dinner with your family in Oct too.
It feels really horrible for everyone to make plans and it all be kept secret from you. It hurts!

I can see how people think yabu, but I think yanbu given the distance, that your inlaws have seen the dc already this year and 1 or more visits are planned. It is a pain spending all your hols travelling round. Next time, stay in 1 place and invite people to visit you for the day.

I think yabu to keep it a secret. Your logic of visiting one side of your family then the other at different times of the year makes sense, but I can imagine (& have experienced) the guilt trip from the others!

Are your children young? We live far away from family so when back in mainland Britain spend our time traipsing round relatives. Friends with children aged 8+ says the kids are not to happy with this shite on their hold anymore. So the parents have had to man up, base themselves in one place, arrange day trips their kids want to do & tell the rest of their families "we're going to be here, are free such and such a day, or come visit us at our home". Apparently it's amazing the number of relatives you've traipsed about visiting for years who can't be arsed seeing you

I think YABVU, your children have two sets of GP's, and to leave one set out is very hurtful IMO. Could you not have invited them to visit you at your parents house, would that have been too hard to do? I bet they were incredibly upset to find out you'd planned to be in the uk but not visit or even tell them.....

Yanbu.

I know what it is like to be the person who ALWAYS have to DO the visiting, rather than GETTING the visit, as it is always me who have to make the effort and do the journey, simply because WE MOVED AWAY.

Family are really good at doing the guilt trip, especially if they can be holier than thou and play the martyr card.

My "aunt in law" was doing it for three years while we were in Norway, and now we are back in the UK, she has come to see us twice in 9 months. (we live 20 minutes drive away) She has cancelled numerous visits, because she is "busy", though admits now that she is retired she mostly spend her time at home reading.

Even on the two occasions we have taken her up on the offer to babysit, like, when it is parents evening and we are both required to be in school without the kids, she has failed to turn up, and when we call her, (after missing our slot) she just says breezily "oh, lets leave it for another time". Yeah, right, like we can.

MIL goes on and on about how she misses the kids. Yet, makes their stay a misery each time we visit, by forcing them to eat food they hate which she knows they hate but she finds it in HER PLACE to EDUCATE them and make them eat beetroot soup and the like because millions of Polish children eat the stuff happily. Then she is marching up and down, throwing her arms in the air, literally wailing in despair, tears down her cheeks that the little horrors rejects her food.

So we dont care any more. Nobody has the right to see our kids. If it is convenient for us, fine. Otherwise, fuck it.

We dont expect anybody in our family to come visit, and we have stopped inviting, why would we, when we prepare dinner after dinner (for blardy pensioners who drive, have no commitments, and live just 20 minutes away through London traffic and cant even be bothered enough to tell us they are cancelling after accepting our invitations", and who offer to babysit because they love the kids so much, and then just cant even be bothered to tell us they wont come, so we pay babysitters instead.

But if you have family who genuinely want to see you, then Yabu. Tell them you are coming, and say "If you want to come down to see us, let me know and we will arrange a time" rather than going out of your way.

Yabu to have kept it a secret, and I think that you should give them a place and time to met up with you do they get yo see you all. But yanbu to not want to travel, unless they are housebound or elderly than think they should make the effort.

My mil seems to think that it's our job to visit her, on 7 years she's been down here twice. The attitude is I drive therefore it's easier for me. It might well be, but it still an effort and a lot of traveling for us, so I've made the decision that I'm not doing it and if she wants to se dc mil must put a bit of effort in

YANBU. I was back last year (from Oz) and didn't tell MIL or BIL and family that I was coming. The trip was to visit my elderly father who is unwell, and spend time with my sister. The very little time I had to myself in England on the way home I wanted to spend with friends. DH was absolutely fine about it.

No, YANBU not to want to see them this time but YABU to worry you have to keep it secret. Your living abroad situation isn't going to change and it would probably help you sleep better to reset the boundaries about what they can expect from you. You say "if they can find the time" to visit you in Aug as if they don't put themselves out to see you and DGC. It should be give and take. AS others have said, if they want to travel a couple of hours to you (given you've all travelled a couple of hours from Europe) then fair dos you can spare them an afternoon, maybe your own DPs can host for the day. But if they are putting a guilt trip on you yet expecting you AND DCs to be the ones making the long journey to them, then they ABU.
Other Grandparents who have posted, why is it that some older people (not all by a long stretch I know) do get stuck i a rut expecting visitors always to come to them and not putting themselves out by travelling in return?

YABU to not have considered finding at least one day to see your inlaws. If they wont come to you why don't you seize the bull by the horns and say 'great idea, why don't you come over on xxxx day? We can catch up then!' Make sure any expectation of you going to them is blown out of the water. If they don't come to see you, then that's down to them, but you made an effort.

I'm surprised you ever thought you'd keep it a secret. I don't know about your DC but mine couldnt keep a secret if their lives depended on it!

Hmm, I'm not sure if YABU or not. I live abroad too, and I'm familiar with the politics involved in negotiating who you're going to see every time you come back for a visit...it's a bit of a nightmare. I don't usually keep it secret from the people I know I won't be able to see - they're bound to find out through the grapevine. I just make sure I have a firm appointment to see/stay with them on the next visit and explain that "as I'll be seeing you in October, I'm obliged to spend this current visit with X and X who I won't see again until next year". Which is basically what you've already done. So most of me thinks YANBU BUT it was silly to just keep it all secret and now that you have and you've been found out you're in a difficult position...

To keep the peace I'd probably go with what the majority are saying - say you'd love to see them if they can meet you halfway somewhere or drive down to see you, but you totally understand if not in which case you're looking forward to seeing them later in the year.