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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed at not being invited, and even more annoyed at dp for not getting why I'm annoyed!!

85 replies

03angels · 24/06/2012 20:06

Ok so here's the story, last saturday dp's sister invited all the 'girls' in family round whilst the men were playing poker. Dp's mum asked of I was going but as I didn't have an invited of dp's sister I didn't want to show up( she's never invited us round, and If we just 'pop' over she keeps us at the door Confused
Anyways, Iv been with dp 10 yrs and last week dp's sis's 'wife' had a dig about me not being family as we weren't married, even though we have kids together
:( Angry
Aibu to be upset, and then pissed off about this?? I was even more annoyed as dp couldn't see why I was upset?! This has lead to all sorts of arguments and now a week on we're still not really speaking, he's annoyed that I'm
Annoyed at him and I'm annoyed he can't see why I'm upset and why he didn't say anything to her!

Sorry for the rant Blush

OP posts:
TheRhubarb · 25/06/2012 11:51

Would you have wanted to be there?

Sounds like they know you don't like them and the feeling is mutual. I know it can be upsetting to be blatantly left out and even worse when you hear that they don't consider you family. That would be the bit that would be most upsetting for me. But you know, stuff them. You have children with your dp so of course that makes you family! And if they are all nasty and snide as you say, then why do their opinions matter?

You ARE family because you are the mother of those children and you are the partner of their brother/son. So they are wrong.

You could, if you were so inclined, be the bigger person and break the ice by inviting them all over to yours saying "I realise that we've probably all got off on the wrong foot so let's start again shall we?". You might then realise that they thought you were homophobic or a snob and you would get your chance to put things right and make some friends.

Or if that sounds completely inconceivable then just invite some of your girlfriends over for a BBQ and forget about them. Your dp obviously doesn't attach any importance to what they say so why should you?

TheRhubarb · 25/06/2012 11:52

Ah right, so sorry Angels. How horrible Sad

Original poster
03angels · 26/06/2012 08:45

Hi thanks for all you're messages, I'm still reeling, and don't really know what to do next Sad

OP posts:
fedupofnamechanging · 26/06/2012 08:51

Concentrate on the practical, for now. Where did he stay last night?

TheRhubarb · 26/06/2012 10:23

So is this completely unexpected? I'm just wondering at the now ponderous motives as to why they didn't invite you to the girl's night and why they let slip that you weren't part of the family? Do you think they knew before you did?

I'm so very sorry that after 10 years together and bearing his children that he could treat you so callously. I guess he isn't much different from the rest of his family then?

Hold your head up high. These people obviously pick and choose who to invite into their 'fold' and if they are this cruel and this vindictive then surely you don't want to be part of that?

Invite some of your best friends round for support, take a few days off work and perhaps pack yourself and the kids off for a long weekend away. I often take mine to a Travelodge or Premier Inn. If there is a nice place near where you live then book into there and have a lovely time away from him and his family. It will also give you some space to think about your next move.

You mustn't regret those 10 years, you got some beautiful children out of that which is quite an achievement in itself. Focus on them now and try to stay amicable, be the bigger person, so that the children aren't torn between you both. No matter how you feel about him and his family, act with grace and your pride intact. Pity them, they obviously need their little close-knit clan to survive. You have the whole world ahead of you now, you are free to go where you please, see who you like and above all - have possession of the remote control! Wink

Turn this situation around and see it as a lucky break. He obviously didn't deserve you, you are way too good for him. He didn't even have the guts to tell you to your face. You are better off without and now at last you have that chance to find someone who will return your love. Best of luck x

theboutiquemummy · 26/06/2012 12:04

Hey yeah be a little bit snubbed but you know what it sounds like you are lucky to not be included if this is what they are like you are better off out of it. As for your DP give him a break he's prob lived with it his whole life and it doesnt register anymore

Be grateful for your family sounds as if the Wife of SIL is a bit insecure hence the you're not proper family dig

Rise above it focus on your little family its just childish bollocks

Speak to your DP tell him how hurt you felt but don't make something out of nothing unless of course you suspect that the dig might have some truth in it then you have a problem that needs dealing with.

TheRhubarb · 26/06/2012 12:06

theboutiquemummy unfortunately her dp texted her to say he wanted to break up Angry

theboutiquemummy · 26/06/2012 12:10

My post just X with your just read that your DP sent a text saying it was over, I am so sorry Angel03 big hugs.

Original poster
03angels · 26/06/2012 13:50

Thanks for your support guys. Mil is as shocked as me but has allowed him to stay there, which is only 4 doors away Sad. I have lost many of my rl friends as dp was kinda possessive and as for work I have a severe chronic illness which Iv had time off for so I could potentially lose my job if I took time off, and there are no holidays available. Dds are surprisingly relaxed about it, (2 oldest are his sdd) and little one didn't mention he wasn't here as he often works away. I will be fine though it's just very hard

OP posts:
TheRhubarb · 26/06/2012 14:09

If he is possessive then you've had a lucky escape.

Call your old friends. They will have probably guessed that he was keeping you from seeing them and they'll be overjoyed to hear from you again!

Have a word with your boss and tell them the situation. Most bosses would be very sympathetic and you never know, yours might offer you two days off for a long weekend.

It sounds as though, if he works away a lot, you are used to coping on your own with the children so yes, you will be fine and you will get through this but do call those old friends as you need support and my bet is that they'll be so happy you are no longer with him that they'll offer to help out in any way they can.

Original poster
03angels · 27/06/2012 09:42

I know rhubarb, and I'm also used to being in my own- he's now saying he didn't mean it and refuses to stay at his mams but I don't want him there now! AngrySad

OP posts:
sparkybabe · 27/06/2012 10:21

How's it going Angels? He sounds like he's playing you a bit.

ljgibbs · 27/06/2012 11:29

Whose house is it? Is it rented, owned?

Tell him he can't just change his mind like that it's not fair on you or your dcs.

Original poster
03angels · 27/06/2012 17:17

lj we both have shares in a part but from council Sad. Dds don't know anything as I thought he had told them before he left but he hadn't!
sparky I feel like he's totally playing me- well he can try coz If the bastard wants to play games he can bring it on!! Angry

OP posts:
Beckyboo4 · 27/06/2012 19:33

Sending Hugs xx

Original poster
03angels · 27/06/2012 20:20

Thanks becky xx

OP posts:
sparkybabe · 28/06/2012 08:51

Good on-ya Angels - none of this moping about pining for affection from him/family! get angry, maybe the lot of them need a kick up the arse!

Keep posting?

Original poster
03angels · 28/06/2012 10:47

has to be done sparky he's still here and refusing to go now, he's actually saying I AM blowing things all out of proportion and he had no intentions of leaving me Angry I have spoken to him very little other than to tell him im leaving him so he has to stet looking elsewhere to live.

I CAN DO THIS

OP posts:
WhiteWidow · 28/06/2012 13:27

Loopy loops in their eyes they are married. Just because it's not the official term doesn't mean it's wrong. My 2 girl friends are married, was the most beautiful WEDDING ceremony I've ever seen :o

TheRhubarb · 28/06/2012 16:33

Has he forgotten what he said to you?
Does he think he can say shit like that and then just change his mind?
I wonder what brought it on?
What a shame he's only just realised how good he actually has it.

Stand your ground. You sound so very strong and he obviously knows that you can live just fine without him.

Best of luck x

Original poster
03angels · 28/06/2012 16:59

Thanks rhubarb I feel I have. I option but to be strong Sad

I think he thought I would beg him to stay ect, I'm too stubborn strong willed for that and il be damned if he thinks he can play mind games with me!

I'm soooo angry with him ATM, even mil can see I'm NBU.

OP posts:
Original poster
03angels · 28/06/2012 17:01

I just wanna say thanks for all you're support ladies - Iv spoken to my rl friends but am still waiting on rl support, other than my mil so again thanks, I don't know what I'd do if I thought I was completely alone Sad

OP posts:
Mayisout · 28/06/2012 17:19

Speak to Council to see what the situation is if you split. You need to know these things then it is one less thing to worry about.

Xales · 28/06/2012 17:45

Speak to the council tell them your relationship has broken down and see what they can do to help you get him out or be re housed.

Show him that you will not accept him playing these nasty manipulative emotionally abusive mind games.

If you still want to be with him then insist on some form of counselling and if it all works out he can 'move' in with you and stay off the tenancy at a later date so you are better protected from this twattish behaviour.

Unless he is willing to put in the effort his vile attitude and treatment of you is not going to change!

Personally I would not be staying in this relationship where your partner goes off out for an evening somewhere he knows you are unwelcome and unaccepted as a part of the family despite 10 years and 3 kids and can send vile cruel texts like that and thinks YOU are overreacting!.

Original poster
03angels · 28/06/2012 20:36

We both own a share in the house along with the council as a part buy. Council have said they will buy his share back or I can buy him out (which I can't afford to do) but he refuses to go- he states he has apologised and thinks I Abu to keep this up!Angry

I have asked if he would be so forgiving of it had been the other way round but he states he was angry with me and wanted me to realise just how much Confused

OP posts:
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