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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be annoyed at not being invited, and even more annoyed at dp for not getting why I'm annoyed!!

85 replies

03angels · 24/06/2012 20:06

Ok so here's the story, last saturday dp's sister invited all the 'girls' in family round whilst the men were playing poker. Dp's mum asked of I was going but as I didn't have an invited of dp's sister I didn't want to show up( she's never invited us round, and If we just 'pop' over she keeps us at the door
Anyways, Iv been with dp 10 yrs and last week dp's sis's 'wife' had a dig about me not being family as we weren't married, even though we have kids together
:(
Aibu to be upset, and then pissed off about this?? I was even more annoyed as dp couldn't see why I was upset?! This has lead to all sorts of arguments and now a week on we're still not really speaking, he's annoyed that I'm
Annoyed at him and I'm annoyed he can't see why I'm upset and why he didn't say anything to her!

Sorry for the rant

OP posts:

LoopyLoopsCorgiPoops · 24/06/2012 20:29

And, perhaps OP you are missing that you are referring to her as 'SIL's wife', whereas if it were a man married to your SIL, you would presumably call him 'BIL'. Maybe it is that she feels you don't accept her as part of the family. Just a thought.

Original poster

03angels · 24/06/2012 20:30

jumping they both call each other their 'wife' gets confusing, think she's slightly jealous that 1, I have children with blood ties and 2, I will legally be dps wife

OP posts:

RecursiveMoon · 24/06/2012 20:32

I'm confused by the family structure, and would like to see a family tree . What's the second part about, something to do with a cousin ?

Original poster

03angels · 24/06/2012 20:33

loopy I said wife as it woul have been confusing to say sil & sil. and as much as we have had our run ins, I will always invite them if we are going out or having people over, they just walk into our house, I can't get past her front door

OP posts:

Original poster

03angels · 24/06/2012 20:35

recersive dps maternal cousin is engaged to dps step brother, whom they have been brought up as full siblings since they were both 1.
So my mil is baby's gran and great aunt

OP posts:

Original poster

03angels · 24/06/2012 20:38

dolally that's what I doing as I type , I just wanted someone to agree I was NBU

OP posts:

Dprince · 24/06/2012 20:39

With all this going on, no wonder do doesn't care about an invite.

Original poster

03angels · 24/06/2012 20:48

Lol dprince the family tried
To get dp and his cousin together yes ago, then he mete and went for the brother my poor dds don't know how to explain family to other people.
All I wanted dp to do was to txt his sis and say something like - hey sis where was angels invite like? He's not backward in coming forward on most things, I dunno maybe IABU

OP posts:

fedupofnamechanging · 24/06/2012 20:50

I think the problem here is that they think they can just walk into your house because your DP is family to them, but you are not welcome in theirs.

Time to start keeping them on the doorstep, methinks. Stop inviting them over. If anyone asks why, then tell the truth.

Did your DP go off and play poker? If so, then imo, that was disloyal, given that you have been snubbed by his sister and sil. If he can't see that, then he is as rude as his sister.

Talk to your DP and tell him exactly why you are feeling this way and then make some changes as to how you interact with sil. You can't make her like you, but you can stop the two SIL from walking all over you. If DP is unsupportive, then you might want to rethink marrying him.

Hexenbiest · 24/06/2012 20:54

Surely it's a conversation like this:

"DP I am angry and upset at your sis and her wife excluding behavior and then comments to me about not being part of the family - it was a rejection of me and possibly our DC by your family. I'm sure if my family had behaved in a similar way you'd be very upset. I'm upset with you because I expect you to defend me - perhaps next time you could. Now lets move on"

So DP knows why your upset with him - then avoid this part of his family as much as possible and when you have to meet them again either ignore them or have a set of snide put downs to make back.

YANBU to be upset by this but your the one being hurt at the minute.

zookeeper · 24/06/2012 21:00

It sounds like they just don't like you; I can't imagine that if you were married to your dp you'd have been invited, by the sounds of it.

Original poster

03angels · 24/06/2012 21:00

karma uv totally hit the nail on the head- yes dp went off and played poker. Tbh maybe I'm feeling like I'm not part of the family and her saying it, then being snubbed has compounded this! I'm also
jealous hurt that dps cousin has been enveloped into sil/dil after a short time and not me even after 10 yrs! Tbh I get on really well with mil but this has made me totally rethink relationship with dp.
There was a time that if I was upset by someone he would've said something, but he wasn't bothered as poker was more important

OP posts:

2rebecca · 24/06/2012 21:11

I would feel snubbed by the lack of invite, but it sounds as though you don't like them anyway so I wouldn't be too upset by that. I would be upset by your partner going to the poker despite them not inviting you to the women's do, although it sounds as though the poker was arranged first and noting to do with SIL as she doesn't have a man to go to that.
I don't like men's and women's seperate events. Why can't you choose whether you play poker or do whatever the women were doing?
They are very into gender stereotyping. Not seeing you as family when you have kids together is mad. I would have expected gay people to be more understanding as up until recently they couldn't get their relationships formally sanctioned. I suppose you get bigots in all walks of life, although in general I don't understand why you don't get married if you're committed enough to have kids together. I would never exclude a long term partner from an event just for lack of a piece of paper though.

Original poster

03angels · 24/06/2012 21:18

2rebecca I'm upset as although we have had run ins in past we do get on usually, we even all go on holiday together, this is why I'm upset. Sil normally plays poker, but as dps friends' partners and wives were upset that although we are not allowed to play or even be in the same house, sil's wife went last time, so this was the reason for the girls night in. I'm also upset that dp doesn't get the reason I'm upset, and is now discussing his next poker night. I guess that says a lot for our relationship

OP posts:

fedupofnamechanging · 24/06/2012 21:57

To be so oblivious is not good, angels. The question is, what are planning to do about this?

MorrisZapp · 24/06/2012 22:06

She's never invited you over. Why are you so upset about this particular event?

You wouldn't have gone anyway so why the drama. Is this one of these 'women fighting for status in the family' things? Why does your status with SIL matter?

Sorry, I know I sound a bit blunt but I have never understood the whole in laws thing on here. It's DP you're with, not them.

Original poster

03angels · 24/06/2012 22:21

karma I'm not sure I'm so about the whole thing
morris it's got nothing to do with status, every woman in the family was there bar me!

OP posts:

2rebecca · 24/06/2012 23:44

How many women are there? If my husband had his sister and mum at an event there would be 2 women, 3 if I'm there, so his sister inviting "all the women in the family except me" would just mean that she invited her mum round!. Does he have umpteen siblings or are aunties and cousins there too in which case not going sounds like a lucky reprieve.
I would never go on holiday again with someone who had snubbed me like this and would have little to do with them.
It sounds as though your partner views you as not really his family as well and it sounds as though this is a more major issue.

Pandemoniaa · 25/06/2012 00:16

I'm still lost about the precise family dynamics but thanks for trying to explain. However, YABU in thinking that your dp should be ringing anyone and demanding invitations on your behalf. Who wants to be invited to somewhere under duress anyway? Let alone to something where you don't get on with the hosts. Consider it a lucky escape!

Original poster

03angels · 25/06/2012 08:56

2rebecca there was 8 in total all family- but guess I'm not part of the family. Dp has just told me this morn on my way to work, via text that he no longer wants to be with me so that explains his reason for not being bothered

OP posts:

MissRepresentation · 25/06/2012 09:02

Maybe she doesn't like you because you say "wife" and "married" as if they aren't really?

fedupofnamechanging · 25/06/2012 10:41

angels, I am so sorry to hear that. He is a complete arsehole for announcing something like that via text.

My advice to you is to either get this thread transferred or start another in Relationships - the people over there are really good at both support and practical advice.

My own pov, is that, although you are devastated right now, you need to sort out the practicalities - the money, the house etc. Don't leave yourself in a position where you are financially vulnerable.

Are you at work today? If so, then chuck a sickie and go home. Go through your paperwork and gather everything you might need. Whose name is the house in - is it rented or owned? Do you have shared finances?

So sorry. He is a git!

Pandemoniaa · 25/06/2012 10:45

What sort of cockjuggler delivers this sort of bombshell by text?

Sorry to hear this, OP. But from the sounds of it, you may be better off without this so-called family.

2rebecca · 25/06/2012 11:42

How sad. They all sound horrible. Ending a relationship with children by text is really despicable.

scrablet · 25/06/2012 11:51

Oh, Angels, am so sorry. Are you ok? Do you have someone close to you who can support you just now?

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