....to not pay for funeral?

[Soapysuds64]

My first post.....

My parents divorced when I was 4, when my father went off to live in France with OW. I have 3 older siblings and 3 half siblings. I have had very, very little contact with him, seeing him about 5 times as a child, and twice in the last twenty years., although I have sent photos of my kids etc from time to time. The kind of man who was always falling out with people - he was eccentric and cantankerous.

He recently died, so I went to Fance for the funeral, along with one of my brothers (who had to fly from Canada). I took my daughters, so with passports, flights, car hire and hotel, it cost me over £1500 - but we stayed a few extra days and treated it as a bit of a holiday. It was a bit odd - I thought it would be good for my girls to meet their family, but weren't made especially welcome (not ignored though, just not invited to stay or anything like that...)

My half brother has just sent me my share of the bill for the funeral.... 300 euros, and I'll need to get my other siblings to pay their share as well. Am I being mean to not want to pay for it, or should I stump up and be done? There won't be any inheritance coming my way, nor did I take any special momento to remember him by.

Btw, 'sorry for your loss' is not appropriate here - nothing against him, just didn't have a relationship with him.

Tell him to sod off

^^
What SuzySheep said

don't people normally make provision for their own funeral, or it's paid out of their estate???
As you didn't have a relationship with him, I think you are well within your rights to say no!!

Shouldn't those expenses come out of any estate before it is passed on?

I'd be reluctant too...

what suzy said.

YANBU, unless there was a prior understanding that you were sharing the cost (sounds like there wasn't). Given the circs it actually sounds a bit inappropriate to ask you anyway.

Why did you even go?

And no way would I pay a penny.

Tell them to sod off! Cheeky swines.

yanbu. I wouldn't pay

YANBU

No. That should have been discussed before funeral directors appointed. You are not next of kin, it isn't your problem.

Is this the first you have heard about paying? Or we're you involved in any of the funeral arrangements? Who are you supposed to pay - is it a family member or are the funeral directors still waiting to be paid?

Sorry for all the questions. I don't think you should pay from what you have said so far.

Unless it was discussed with you and her siblings beforehand then i definitely wouldnt pay. Your paternal family are using you as a way of covering their costs, tough luck.
Email them saying that you do not feel ut appriopate to contribute as you would feel hypocritical !

YANBU - costs for the funeral normally come out of the estate - or, where there is a widow/widower and not much to inherit, they pay.
If he asks again after you've said no, then perhaps you could agree to pay your share of all costs of the funeral - ie, incl your travel, passports etc., and your brother's flight ? See how he likes the idea of sharing costs then.

don't people normally make provision for their own funeral, or it's paid out of their estate???

That would depend on whether they had any life assurances, an estate or assets to liquidise. Not everyone does.

YANBU. It should come from his estate, assuming he left anything behind. Even if he didn't, your half-brother should have discussed it with you before the funeral.

no, if you didn't have an ongoing relationship with him, you've put yourself out by going to the funeral.

Yanbu

Yanbu, no way Id pay

Sorry to be blunt, but I really don't think under any circumstances you should be guilt-tripped into paying! :)

How about a quick note back to say Apologies but I wouldn't have attended if I'd known I would be billed for a funeral of someone I'd seen 7 times in my entire life; or

"I would love to contribute but I will have to wait to pay my share of the funeral costs once I have received whatever share of the inheritance is due to me because I spent the last of my savings on paying my respects."

And then if they come back and say oh there is no inheritance, write back and say "oh well hardly surprising. I only saw X 7 times in my entire life so it's not as if he treated me as a daughter while alive. Apologies for leaving you with a greater share of the funeral costs but presumably you saw him a lot more than 7 times and felt he was actually a father to you."

Fuck 'em. Sorry but my dad had all this kind if shit with his feckless dad (and spoilt adored sister - my awful aunt) except my dad's sister didn't even invite my dad to the funeral and then tried to get money out of him!

Who is asking you for this btw? One of the half siblings? Or one of your older full siblings?

Thanks. Haven't decided either way yet whether to pay. At the time, no-one mentioned paying for the funeral, and it seems he had no money to his name. I only went because it's 'what you do', and because I wanted my kids to know their half uncles/aunt as they had not met before. And if I'm honest, a chance for a few days in the south of France. Happy to pay the £1500, but another 300 euros on top..... Hmmmmmm......

If he left a Will his funeral expenses will be paid by the Executor(s) prior to the distribution of his estate.

If he was my semi-estranged df I'd want to know a lot more about his financial affairs - the amounts in his current and savings account(s)/savings, insurance policies, or monies tucked away under his mattress - before I contributed to the cost of his funeral.

I think it's perfectly reasonable to send the bill back with a note saying "as I had no relationship with him I do not consider this to be my responsibility. If I had had any relationship with him, I would not expect to contribute any share of the cost unless either I was helping to plan the funeral or I was getting a sizable inheritance. I am sorry if the funeral you chose was beyond your means but I cannot help you with it."

Ow never married him, and later went off with someone else, so she won't pay, nor I guess be responsible. I suspect she is behind asking me and my siblings to pay. The bill is from the funeral home.