....to not pay for funeral?

[Soapysuds64]

My first post.....

My parents divorced when I was 4, when my father went off to live in France with OW. I have 3 older siblings and 3 half siblings. I have had very, very little contact with him, seeing him about 5 times as a child, and twice in the last twenty years., although I have sent photos of my kids etc from time to time. The kind of man who was always falling out with people - he was eccentric and cantankerous.

He recently died, so I went to Fance for the funeral, along with one of my brothers (who had to fly from Canada). I took my daughters, so with passports, flights, car hire and hotel, it cost me over £1500 - but we stayed a few extra days and treated it as a bit of a holiday. It was a bit odd - I thought it would be good for my girls to meet their family, but weren't made especially welcome (not ignored though, just not invited to stay or anything like that...)

My half brother has just sent me my share of the bill for the funeral.... 300 euros, and I'll need to get my other siblings to pay their share as well. Am I being mean to not want to pay for it, or should I stump up and be done? There won't be any inheritance coming my way, nor did I take any special momento to remember him by.

Btw, 'sorry for your loss' is not appropriate here - nothing against him, just didn't have a relationship with him.

I do, however, think it was the appropriate thing to do, to attend the funeral. If only to lay your own demons to rest.

For those who say to invoice the estate for your travel costs, that is totally unnecessary and would be inappropriate in any circumstances.

But the responsibility to chip in to a funeral for what seems a pauper, well, you dont have a relationship with him, so no.

So who actually organised the service?

Surely the bill should go to the people who made the arrangements with the funeral home. Whose name is on there? I don't think you should pay unless you care at all about getting closer to your half brother. Even then, you shouldn't be epxected to pay,

Absolutely no way would I pay.

I'd laugh hysterically while tearing the bill in to tiny pieces and then never think of it again.

I wouldn't pay!

maybe if asked BEFORE it was arranged I might CONSIDER it..
but no you don't go ahead and do it them start passing out invoices to people who didn't agree to contribute in advance!

No, I wouldn't pay. It's the responsibility of the person organising the funeral to also organise the funding of it. If they wanted your help with that, they should've asked if you were willing to contribute before the funeral. Sending you a bill afterwards is very wrong.

Btw, it's no ones business except yours why you went to the funeral, and you do not have to explain your reasons. You are not obligated to pay simply because he was your father and you attended.

Tell him to go get knotted.

we are still waiting on my Bils half for mils funeral she has been dead 12 years, he was having his finacial advisor looking over the bill
anyway dont pay it you dont owe the man anything,

How close are you to your brother? Can you talk directly to him?

300 euros is about £240 isn't it. Times 7 that's only £1680. That's on the cheap side for a funeral I would think. Something is odd here. I think your brother is sending you this bill not as a share but as a bill iyswim. I would tell him he could forget it too.

Surprised you went (not criticising, just think you really didnt't need to).

Funeral should be paid out of his estate. No way you should pay, I would just ignore tbh.

I might consider paying a portion of the bill if all your siblings and half siblings had an equally distant relationship with your father, and your half brother just got dumped with organising the funeral.

Considering he wasn't really a proper father to you, you would both be classed as 'estranged' from each other so i don't think you should pay anything.

I wouldn't!

I was just going to say what TheFarSide said. I think that as you went to the funeral as his child, you may have a moral responsibility to pay the same amount as the other children. If you hadnt gone to the funeral at all, you'd be within your rights to ignore bill. Tricky one - especially if a half sibling has already paid the whole bill.

Very odd. You don't just send someone a bill out of the blue when they had nothing to do with incurring it!

Hmmm. This sounds odd.

I'm not completely certain but in France I understand that all offspring are entitled to a share of their parents estate, regardless of the state of the relationship. If your father has any money or property at all you should be entitled to a slice of it. I'm not sure if that would therefore make you responsible for a percentage of the funeral, although that seems unlikely since you didn't enter into any contract with that particular funeral home.

Are you certain your father was penniless? Also, why does the responsibility for making your other siblings pay fall to you?

I wouldn't, but I'd worry about it

Are you likely to stay in touch with any of the French branch?

Has half-brother got landed with organising and paying for funeral himself?
Was there any money in his estate to pay for it?
What was his relationship like with your father?
Are you hoping to build more of a relationship with this part of the family yourself now?
No way should you have to organise other siblings contributions, but dependent upon the answers above I might pay.

I would not pay, especially if he never contributed towards your upbringing. You don't have any reason to feel bad about it. Your money should go towards your own dc, not his funeral.

Is the law in France different from UK?

In UK the funeral is the first thing paid for by the estate, then its taxes, debts etc. Whatever left over is divided according to law of England/Wales or Scotland depending on whether there is a will or not.
So if a person owned a house, car, had bank accounts, insurance other assets that is their estate.

You need to find out if your dad had any assets, did he have a will, before you even think about paying for the funeral.
I'd also be asking why it was never mentioned before the funeral

YANBU... But, do check the legal position. I know, at least at some point in the past few years, the French have made children legally responsible for any care costs, so for example if he had required care in a care home you as one of his children would be billed for it, although you don't have contact with him. I am not sure if this law is still in force, or if it extends to funeral arrangements. Clearly the French cannot impose their laws on you living here, but were you to be in France and they were aware of this they might take further action. I am no expert on French law, but do check. Apart from that point I don't think you are in any way being unreasonable.

Thanks for your replies......i will speak to my brother and see what he thinks. My sister is tighter than a rats arse and my other brother is broke, so I suspect there will be no joy there. I don't want my mum to feel she should pay though - she already gave me £100 to help with my travel expenses.

I am pretty sure he was penniless. My half brother said that after his debts etc he had 300 euros left, which went towards paying for the funeral. Maybe tis a French thing that debts get paid before funeral then? It was far from a lavish affair, and my brother paid for the lunch we had afterwards (he is very generous). Not sure if I care much about my 'French family', hence the aibu... However is it worth falling out over 300 euros?

Even if there were a will, I am sure I would not get anything. My grandfather left his estate to his grandchildren, ie me, siblings and 8 cousins, before my half siblings were born. A fair part of this was used for maintenance, as he left my mum with no money (and 4 children under 10) it was in trust, but she was allowed to draw on it for things like clothes and educational stuff. My brothers also gave him £1500 each from this as a loan - never repaid though. My father was incredibly bitter about his other children not benefitting from the inheritance.

Last time I saw him, he mentioned that he had shares in an oyster company...... His family had an oyster business in whitstable. Might chase this up!

Sorry for the drip feeding - tis my first aibu, and is not as easy as it seems!

no way would I pay, I'm not sure who is responsible for payment but as you are not in France the Funeral parlor would find it quite hard to chase you for the payment;

this is quite an interesting about inheritance in France, children can not be disinherited unless they agree to it, as I understand it if they have any assets at all a set amount is divided between surviving children in this case its 75%

inheritance in France