To wish virtual strangers would not ask me why I'm not having any more kids.

[Jinsei]

Happens all the time, casual acquaintances saying "you don't want any more then?" [anger]

I do want more, but haven't been lucky enough to have any. I have one beautiful dc and I know I'm lucky to have her. I miscarried her sibling and haven't felt able to conceive another. I don't see fit to comment on the size of other people's families, whether they have six children or none. So why should I have to explain my fertility issues to people who have no business asking me about this stuff.

Yes, I know they're just making "polite" conversation, but it's so bloody intrusive. Does it simply not occur to some people that other may be unable to have a second child - or indeed a first?

That was supposed to be

Jinsei bless you, I'm so sorry to hear about your miscarriage.

YANBU. people can be unknowingly so insensitive but you're right its none of their bloody business, my DD is only 9 months and I'm already being asked when we are giving her a sibling ffs I'm still on maternity leave!!

I'm sorry, how rude people are.

I have a number of friends who have one child and will have no more. There are many different reasons - in some cases I know them, eg pregnancy was so difficult and traumatic, in others I don't, and I have no intention of asking.

I also know people with a relatively big gap between their children, again, they will have a reason, often a tragic one eg a stillbirth, but again, in some cases it's choice. I cannot believe anyoen would ask you.

I am sorry for your loss of your second child too - I am very very lucky never to have had any fertility or pregnancy problems and for that I count my blessings every day.

No, you don't sound sanctimonious at all clary, thanks for the support.

I know people don't mean to be rude, it's just thoughtlessness. It just hurts to be reminded all the time - it's surprising how often I get asked this question, or a variation of it. :(

And to correct my OP, it should have said I haven't been able to conceive another, not felt. Wish it was just a feeling!

Jinsei, they are bloody rude is why. I get this all the time, as I have a 3 year old son and will not be having any more.

I actually made a complaint to Tesco about a till worker who kept saying 'time for another one' to me every single time she saw me. I actually point blank told her I couldn't have any more and she kept on.

I don't know what happened to her, but she doesn't work at my Tesco any more. Perhaps she was moved. Perhaps she was fired. I hope either way she learned to keep her beak shut and out of other people's business.

IMO people don't think and are making conversation, a bit thoughtless, but they don't mean much by it. I think that the only way to avoid comments is to have 2 (or possibly 3) including at least 1 boy and 1 girl which seems to be the only acceptable family for many people.

I've been getting the 'so...are you having another one then?' for the past 2 months. DD1 is five months old.

It is rude and i know most people don't mean anything by it but that doesn't mean they can't be educated to know it's rude/insensitive to ask. When chatting to people about DD, etc I'll often say how i'm annoyed by people asking this question - hopefully the people i'm talking to will take it on board.

Right. Now i'm off to bang my head against a brick wall for a few hours then might take up spaghetti plaiting.

Dawn.

They're just trying to make conversation, you don't have to explain yourself, don't answer or say 'no' and move to another topic. yanbu to wish people would have more sensitivity but unless they have experienced fertility issues themselves, it's not going to be on their radar as a possibility especially as you already have one.

There are plenty of ways to make conversation that don't involve my personal reproductive decisions.

I do not accept 'they are just making conversation' in this instance. If so, then ask about the weather.

I'm going to start asking people how often they have sex with their partner in response. If they look a bit I'll just say 'Sorry...got my days mixed up...I thought it was Inappropriate Conversation Sunday....durrrrr'

Ime it's one of those things you have to have some deflection lines ready to give out the clear message it's not really up for discussion, or just don't comment at all. It is one of those subjects that apparently isn't off limits for anybody.

One woman I have particular problems with though, I find my fertility issues deeply personal and emotive and they are not up for discussion with anybody outside a couple of people I really trust. In fairness because of this people don't really know they're putting their foot in their mouths. But this woman talks about nothing else and I had to take her to one side and tell her to stop asking me when I was going to get pregnant, I can't, so stop. Her take on this is that dr's know nothing and life is one long 'chat' article full of miracle babies. I have to be so strict with letting myself get carried away with that kind of notion because it's so fucking devastating every month that I just have to keep contact with her in the office to an absolute minimum.

YANBU

I get the reverse , its really irritating.

I had this. I wasn't able to have any more after my DD, and I only talked about the reasons to a handful of close friends. Interestingly, my immediate family and MiL (to whom I never mentioned the reason) were very good about it and never once asked me if I planned to have more or why I only had one.

But there were a small number of people who badgered me about it, including my elderly next door neighbours. I couldn't understand why they didn't realise they were being insensitive - surely they could work out that perhaps something was wrong? (I certainly wasn't going to tell them.)

The worst occasion was with a friend I don't see very often. She asked me if I planned to have more, and I confided to her, in some detail, the reasons I couldn't have another. A few months later she called me (we hadn't seen each other for a while) and in the course of the conversation said, "So, you don't plan to have any more, then?" I really couldn't believe it.

I hate it. DS is 21mo and I don't bloody want another one. Maybe not ever. Doesn't make me a bad person, but people look stunned! I don't want to divide my time with DS (pfb).

I find it amazing that so many women do this - even those who have had personal issues themselves and should bloody well know better!

My 'd'M is a prime example - she has had gynae issues for years, but has been very lucky in that, although she has medical issues that led to some complications, she has never lost a pregnancy or even had problems concieving as a result.

She knows that I have some of the same issues, plus an additional one that may make concieving, pregnancy and birth very difficult. But she still regularly calls me to ask why DH and I haven't "started" yet; to the point where I now keep contact with her to a bare minimum. The last straw was when she called me on my birthday to point out how "old" I'm getting (I'm 30 ffs!) and that I'd need to "sort it out". What she didn't know was that I was miscarrying at the time. I have tried to point out to her that it doesn't always happen easily, and remind her of the complications for us, but she just says it's all nonsense, as she's had her family "when my medical prolems are far worse that yours Tia" OK, thanks for that DM, that's very helpful.

(...and breathe!)

YANBU, it is insensitive behaviour on their part.

I am one of the people who has an age gap between their children because our middle child died. I hate it when people ask about the gap as I still cannot talk about my son (who died 11 years ago) to anyone without filling up and I do not want to cry in front of stupid, nosy people.

Anyone who thinks this is 'just making conversation' has clearly led a charmed life so it never occurs to them that other peoples lives may not have run so smoothly.

I have just had DS but if/when we try for another who knows whether we will have fertility issues - he could just have been a fluke, there's no way to say and I am not one to count chickens, so to speak.

Before we had him, I got mightily pissed off by work colleagues/strangers asking when we were going to have kids, especially as we weren't trying so we had no idea whether we would experience issues when that time eventually came around.

So I found that it was very effective to say the following:

"We have been to the doctor as it isn't working out for us and he thinks we are using the wrong hole".

This made them hugely embarrassed and in most cases they would then avoid me like the plague. Problem solved.

I love that, stifnstav! The perfect answer to an incredibly insensitive question!

Tia, my mom is just the opposite. She constantly asks me about birth control and is always saying how if I get pregnant of course I'll terminate. Man, if I got pregnant again? I'd rejoice as it's very very unlikely. We aren't actively trying and we do use BC, but still...really mother?

tee that's an awful thing for your mum to say...why on earth would she say that!!!?

In my experience, mums and MILSs are the worst culprits of this, though thank God my mum is of the attitude that its no ones business but your own!

I get "Isn't it time for another one?" or "Aren't you going to try for a girl?". We have 4 DS!

People just don't think before they speak. The irony is the worst couple of people that ask the above questions have 2 Dc, I don't ask them why they 'only' have 2

That's awful Tee! - what a horrible thing to say!!

• Duh, what a horrible thing for your mum to say Tee, obviously - not you!!

The thing is that lots of women have no difficulty conceiving or carrying babies and they don't even think that it might be a problem for other women if they've had one. They don't mean to ask upsetting questions. At least that's what I told myself when people made similar comments to me.

I used to have a sales rep from another company visit me in relation to my work. From the first time I met her, she would always make a comment such as "when are you going to have children?" or "so you're not pregnant yet?".
I was a bit shocked the first time as it's not really something you would say to a potential client in a business meeting.
I tried turning it back on her (she had no kids) & said "what about you, when are you starting a family?", thinking it would make her stop but she would just fob me off & then ask again the next time I saw her.
One day, I lost patience when she saw me walking past whilst she was meeting one of my colleagues & asked "how are you? No children yet?" I told her, "actually that's a very personal question, you don't know anything about me & quite frankly I'm sick of you asking me."
She looked shocked.
Later I received an email from her apologising & stating that yes, I was right, she didn't know me & had no right to ask & that she'd spent 20 min crying in her car.
I'm still bothered that she felt the need to make me feel guilty for making her cry, how does she think her questioning made me feel every time I saw her?

The side benefit has been that no one at work asks me about starting a family & saying the usual "you'll be next".