To wish virtual strangers would not ask me why I'm not having any more kids.

[Jinsei]

Happens all the time, casual acquaintances saying "you don't want any more then?" [anger]

I do want more, but haven't been lucky enough to have any. I have one beautiful dc and I know I'm lucky to have her. I miscarried her sibling and haven't felt able to conceive another. I don't see fit to comment on the size of other people's families, whether they have six children or none. So why should I have to explain my fertility issues to people who have no business asking me about this stuff.

Yes, I know they're just making "polite" conversation, but it's so bloody intrusive. Does it simply not occur to some people that other may be unable to have a second child - or indeed a first?

i had 8 years of desperately trying for another, putting myself through awful self medicating treatments (all of which failed) whilst all around me were like rabbits when it came to getting pg, some of which complained about it, bragged how they didn't even want the child. i am too old now, hope in that dept has been taken away which is good really as it has made life less complicated BUT.......i carry the burden/pain and always will of being around pg women as there is always that pressure to do the obligatory 'congratulations' & 'when is it due' & 'do you know what you are having...' etc etc. depending on where i am in my cycle, it can break me emotionally for a short while, the pain is terrible, the ache that i will never be able to turn off although it is buried most of the time but does come to the surface. when i meet strangers ie sat at a table at a wedding (as did recently happen) the text book 'so how many children do you have' question or 'are you going to have any more' is terribly painful. i have been known to rush out of the room sobbing before, making me feel & look like a right twat. they have NO IDEA of what dh & i have been through ttc No. 2. i don't even want another now really as i love things the way there are although i would be a liar to say that i would be anything other than compltely thrilled if a miracle were to take place. i just tell them i can't have anymore, that shuts them up :)

We had this last week on Father's Day FFS from FIL. He knows the the issues we've had - 5 rounds of treatment, the expense, the bone crushing heartbreak of losing our first. I'm 8 months pg with our daughter, the result of ICSI treatment, and 39 so odds are she'll be our only. But he ploughs on with how we'll probably be trying for our next when she's here, how we'll want try for a boy next (like we'd terminate a girl??!!) and how he sees us with 3 or 4 kids.

Poor DH just told him how this was a miracle, how happy we are with where we are and how, no, she probably won't be part of a large family. Instead of taking the hint and shutting up, he responded with, "Well make sure you don't spoil her then"!!

Luckily, this was a phone conversation. If I'd have been there, I think I'd have lost it. It's not just strangers who are insensitive to fertillity issues.

Jinsei - so sorry about your MC. All the best x

Dawnofthetee 5 months, come on you slacker :) you should have at least another two by now

I tend to reply with lots and lots of detail! After ten minutes of my rambling monologue they never ask again!

I had a round of these types of questions a while back at work, and reminded people nicely that it was rather a personal question to be asking. They stopped. I think it was because my DS was nearing the age when getting pg again would mean a 2 year age gap, which is what most of the questioners had. I think with anything to do with parenting, people tend to question you when you seem to be doing something different to them.

I had some more of these questions once we were ttc and it wasn't happening straight away. It was extremely irritating, esp. if I was on my period. I eventually found "well, you don't exactly order them from Amazon do you?" to be quite a useful response. Lighthearted but also clear enough and stopped people asking again. I've trotted it out a few times since finding out I'm pg as its early days and don't want to tell yet.

:) carve133, wish it was me

too .

all the best carve133

(posted too soon)

People just don't think do they? I've had a bit less of it as I had my ds (ICSI) 4 years ago when I was 40 so most people probably think I'm too old for another one anyway :( I had a mc in September so know how you feel.

The best response I've heard to this sort of intrusive questioning was "no, we were lucky enough to get it right the first time" said with a beaming smile. It's an offbase enough response that it works to shut people up.

I have one lovely DS, conceived without any trouble but then born prematurely. We then tried, without success, to conceive another child for 3 years. After much soul searching, we decided to move on with our lives and make the most of being happy with one child. While we were going through all this the 'when are you going to have another?' question bugged the hell out of me.

Now DS is 6 and we have a lovely life. He is great and I wouldn't change anything about our lives. Because I am now happier about how things turned out when I am questioned about adding to our family, it really doesn't bother me. I just reply with something positive about having just one.

I suppose what I am trying to say is that now I have got my head around the situation it has got a hell of a lot easier.

Have had this too ! I am in lucky position of being pg with no 2 but had mc in feb and would often mumble something about ' not yet, too much work with 1 ! But really be crying inside. Now I think maybe I should say to these people that have they thought how hurtful this could be ! Not just for me but maybe for the 16 other people they have casually mentioned it to that day without thinking !

YANBU.

I've had this alot too, since endless rounds of Clomid finally gave us a miracle baby, a feat we have been unable to reproduce in the four years since then, (pardon the pun).

My favourite response when total randoms ask when we're planning on having another one... "Hmmm, funny how no one's rude enough to ask obese people when they're planning to go on a diet", combined with a vulcan death stare. Works a treat!

Don't let the bs get you down OP.

I've been to a birthday party today and four people asked me if we planned on having another (I said no even though we're TTC, as I really don't want anyone to know).
The worst was last month when I bought a PG test in Tesco. The checkout lady asked me if I wanted a boy or a girl, how old DD was (she was with me) and started talking about TTC with me. I was absolutely mortified, surely they must get training about suitable topics of conversation.

Thanks Sole. I know we're lucky. Completely agree with ontesterhooks that pointing out that these sorts of remarks aren't always OK might make someone stop and think next time. People don't generally ask about other aspects of your personal/medical history quite so easily.

YANBU to wish it but tbh you would be better to focus on making yourself feel better about it. People will say things we don't want them to say and if it hits a nerve then it's time to work on that issue. That's my theory anyway.

I usually just say 'no', cue monotonous idiot 'why not?', 'I had terrible PND and I don't want to risk putting myself, DH or DD through that again', cue AWKWARD silence.

Going to swim against the tide here OP and say that while I have huge sympathy you are being a tiny bit unreasonable, depending on the person asking.

Here's the reason: unless you are having babies / trying to have babies / know people having babies you just don't think about the possible complications people face.

A few years ago I had started a new job, making chit chat at work with people about their families. I asked one woman in all innocence if she thought they would have any more children (she had one). She looked at me with what I can only describe as black hate and didn't answer. I was a bit but the conversation moved on.

It was only years later I found out that she had suffered several miscarriages. The trouble was at the time I was a single girl with all single friends, babies and fertility issues weren't on our radar at all. Now I'm pregnant with DC1, have a few friends with kids or who are ttc and it's a whole new world. I would be very careful about asking people about their family plans but at the time I was still desperately trying NOT to get pregnant IYSWIM. Struggling TO get pregnant never entered my mind.

Of course if they have kids themselves or are old enough to know better YANBU.

And actually I really think being honest (politely!) is the best way forward if you feel able. I understand that fertility issues are very sensitive for people, particularly when they've suffered losses :( It's just it's so very common but not something you think about unless it's happening to you or someone you know. Honesty at the time from my colleague rather than apparently random loathing would have made younger Angelico grow up a bit, rather than being left baffled.

The people who ask this question nearly always have kids of their own IME, so I don't think there is much excuse. And although honesty might be the best policy, I really don't want to discuss the intimate details of my personal life with people I barely know.

I am never rude to these people, and don't give them any sort of black looks. But I do find them incredibly insensitive. Much less so for a young woman who perhaps hasn't considered fertility issues just yet.

As for moving on and making myself feel better about it, you're quite right domedon, that is very important. Thing is, dd is seven now, and in many ways, I love our little family. DD is kind, intelligent, beautiful - everything I could have ever wished for in a child, and more. I could find my way to contentedness, I'm sure, if it weren't for these damned interfering busybodies constantly reminding me all the time of the incompleteness of my family unit, of how lonely dd must feel without a sibling etc etc. Why can't they just let it drop?

I used to jokingly beg my SIL to hurry up and have a baby so as to take some of the heat off DD from PIL. She laugh and say yeah not until never.

Could kick myself now as she and her husband had actually been trying for years (I had no idea) with no luck and have now split up because of it. I am so cross with myself.

I've learnt my lesson and will never make comments like that again.

I would love love love another baby, but i had a difficult pregnancy and was in hospital for 6 weeks. But more importantly we are so skint its unreal and we couldn't pay the mortgage if I only had maternity pay. Plus dh isn't that keen on the idea of baby no.3 (we have twins) for again financial reasons. So its a case of me fighting my urges to safe guard the family we have. But the amount of people who tell me to just forget to take the pill......and to hell with money "I wouldn't let money stop me..........." "

Please! whose choice is it? Its ours and its not an easy one without other people sticking their nose in! I'm so sorry your having trouble conceiving again. When people start voicing their unwelcome opinions can i suggest adopting a smug facial expression with the necessary head bob, whilst in your head you visualise something more pleasant? like a violent act against the idiot your talking to?
good luck

lisianthus I like that one...

I've got into a few arguments with others on this issue. Thankfully not from my parents. They were so stunned to get a grandchild at all in their mid-70s that they count their blessings. I think the PILs only tried it once and DH gave them a piece of his mind. Poor SIL can't have at all, so DS is the only one in the next generation. He'll be fine. I am an only, my mum is an only. The only time it ever bothered me was when mum used to nag about me getting married and having kids when I was heading for 30. (I hadn't even met DH at the time.) I remember saying that if she were that bothered about grandchildren, why didn't she have more children herself? Usually worked. When we did have, I was 40. Hence the stunned rabbit effect as by then they'd given up hoping and didn't dare say a word!