To wish virtual strangers would not ask me why I'm not having any more kids.

[Jinsei]

Happens all the time, casual acquaintances saying "you don't want any more then?" [anger]

I do want more, but haven't been lucky enough to have any. I have one beautiful dc and I know I'm lucky to have her. I miscarried her sibling and haven't felt able to conceive another. I don't see fit to comment on the size of other people's families, whether they have six children or none. So why should I have to explain my fertility issues to people who have no business asking me about this stuff.

Yes, I know they're just making "polite" conversation, but it's so bloody intrusive. Does it simply not occur to some people that other may be unable to have a second child - or indeed a first?

Oh she's a treat. I was 40 when I had my son so we had the genetic testing done and she said "of corse if there is an anomaly, you'll terminate." Um, no.

I've well learned to ignore most of what she says.

OP, if you're brave enough, I have heard that saying "has the thought never occurred to you that we might be having trouble?"
is quite effective & makes the interrogator squirm.
or if they do ask "you don't want any more then?" - respond with "what makes you think that?"

I have to disagree, asking people about their fertility or sex life is not making polite conversation.

I was honest, just said "would love to, but have fertility problems", said with a hard face to stop follow-up questions!

YANBU! I have one child and don't plan on having anymore. If people ask I say 'Never. I'm pro-choice'. That's shuts them up.

YANBU. I struggled for years to conceive DS, and was constantly asked when were we going to think about to starting a family. (Grrrr, I thought about very little else at the time!)

DS is now 3, and autistic, and I'm now constantly asked when I'm going to have another. It annoys the hell out of me for so many different reasons. Our fertility problems haven't magically gone away, as most people seem to think. I have other health issues, I don't want a "normal" child to make up for having an autistic one. Neither do I want to run the risk of having two children on the spectrum - I just could not cope with that.

My reasons for not having a second are complex, I don't need to be constantly explaining just because someone wants to make conversation.

Each to there own, when talking to patients in work I tend to talk about the weather or tv programmes, books ect. I don't see the need to ask personal question

Thanks everyone, it's reassuring it isn't just me who finds this line of questioning a bit off. I'm not brave enough to use any of the brilliant responses that people have suggested - I usually just mumble "probably not" and then try to change the subject.

I just wish that people would be a bit more thoughtful!

Argh before I even had my LO this drove me nuts!

"didn't you move to a bigger house so you could have children?"

"you said you were going to try for a baby"... Accompanied by a lemon face of disapproval at my LIES

"don't wait too long or your eggs will shrivel"

AAAARGH

My DM just yesterday looked at me and said 'have another one soon, it's easy enough!' ahahahaha. This one (5 months) took ten years, three countries and the price of a Rolls Royce to conceive. It's NOT EASY.

YANBU.

And almost all twin mums will tell you that they've been asked repeatedly "are they natural?" by utter strangers. I've taken to looking people dead in the eye and saying "That's a funny question, are you having problems?" which seems to shut most people up.

YANBU.

Some people just don't seem to realise how nosy, and potentially insensitive, questions like that can be.

There's plenty of possible conversational topics without having to ask whether you'll be having more babies.

When son started at school I was shocked at how many people (other mums) felt it was OK to tell me that I should have another child and that it was selfish just to have one. As in, don't be selfish have another child, it isn't fair on your son. And asking my son if he wouldn't like a baby brother or sister.

been there..........we lost a pg late on, to a very rare chromosome disorder. we had 2dd alredy and lost a third. we subsequently had a boy. Cue lots of crappy "3rd time lucky" "bet DH is glad, he was getting outnumbered haha" little quips - EVEN from thsoe who knew we had lost our beautiful 3rd DD.

At the time of our loss, there were those who genuinely thought it "would not be as bad as losing a son, as you already have 2 girls"

people are just soooo stupid/thoughtless sometimes!

a friend has one 7yo son. To get him she had 9 miscarriages first and had almost given up hope of ever having a child. People always ask her "when X is getting a brother or sister".

THINK, PEOPLE!!

I guess if someone didn't know your experience with the miscarriage they might not realise that asking you if you want more children is hurtful. If someone who knew about that was still asking, I'd be really upset about it. YANBU.

I'm sort of getting this a bit currently.

I'm heavily pregnant with DC2 and have had a horrible past 7 months with being in hospital with hyperemesis, very little family support and other health issues I've discovered while pregnant. I do not want any more DC after this and I feel blessed to even have DS and this one in my womb.

I've had some odd looks, outrage and disapproval from people when I say that I'm most like finished after this child is born. Some people have said, "Ohh, you have to have more."

My MW told me outright that I shouldn't say I'm only planning on having 2 as she always pictured me with 4 kids

No one's business but mine and DH's, thanks all the same.

jinsei I'm in exactly the same situation. I have a 3 yo ds, have been 'not not trying' for dc number 2 for 2 yrs, and all I have to show are the horrible memories of a mc last November followed by a Xmas spent permanently half cut just to get through it! It does give me a perverse pleasure however, when Mr or Mrs Nosey enquire about whether I'll be having another, to tell them the truth then sit back and enjoy their discomfort and embarrassment.

It's interesting you say that needles because I think a lot of it is to do with family size. I think a lot of people think 2 children is the aim. When you have more than two, people don't ask you so much. If you have one you get asked all the time. I can't remember the last time somebody asked me this but I think it may have been the midwife after dd3's birth. When she was signing me off she said 'see you in a year or two then?' 'NO WAY' I replied.

By the sound of some of your experiences you'd think you could just pop to the shops for a new baby. Particularly strange coming from people who've already had kids!

Yep, still happens to me 11 years on and it makes me want to stab people with a fork!

to all those on this thread that have been faced with such insensitive twonks.

A very good friend of mine had this for years, from her and her dh's family, neighbours etc. Last time I was with her and an idiot somebody asked her when she was going to have another child, she quite bluntly told them to knob off.

I dunno, it can be very upsetting & after having ds I has 2 mcs so there was a period when those kind of questions came my way a lot.

But in the end, for me, it helped to prepare a stock answer I didn't have to think about, so the issue was over with v quickly.
I also had 'the question' from some lovely people and I knew they would be mortified to know it upset me. I wanted to let go of it rather than let myself fume.

Besides, I think it is one of those types of question which is oddly common in small talk, so I think people do ask when they are on conversational autopilot..

YANBU at all!

I have been there too. DD is 8 and we have lost 7 babies since she was born. If I had £1 for every comment about ohh when are you having another, or comments on age gaps, the joys of having more than one DC, why aren't I having a second, did I know only children are spoilt, it is cruel of me to DD by not giving her a sibling... and so on....

I have been bullied, nagged and pestered on a weekly basis since DD was about 6 months old, by people who think at that moment in thier lives it would be fun to share this pearl of wisdom of their with this almost stranger. At times it has made me heartbroken, left me in tears made me raging angry etc. I have been through many ways of dealing with it. But this far in I have realised that making them feel incredibly uncomfortable is the way forward. I am now blunt and to the point about how thier question or nagging has made me feel, how many babies I have lost and how frankly I am only telling them so they might learn to mind thier own business in future.

Having been through so many losses and so much heartache over the years I have learned that really you don't ask a woman about her reproductive health, because you have no idea of her background. If someone volunteers the conversation fair enough. But I would never ask someone if they were pregnant, when they were due or when they were having another etc.

Now I am due with no. 2 in 3 weeks. and have all the comments again in age gaps and so on, and from those who know my history I have to listen to how worth it loosing all those babies was etc. I for one am still not counting my chickens.

But Jinsei - don't stand for it. They are being rude and intrusive and they should know better.

I was in just that situation myself OP and I know exactly what you mean. It is so upsetting. One person said "is she your only?" I replied that she was. They then said "well, I have 3 children but then I LOVE kids". !!!

Another said, more bizarrely. "is she your only?" I replied that she was they then said "probably just as well, your DD is really pretty, if you had another one and they weren't they would always be the ugly one"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! How odd is that?????

YANBU. They think they are "just making conversation" but really, there are so many other things you can talk about instead of asking such personal questions.

YANBU