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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To leave a 17 year old and 13 year old alone for 4 days?

68 replies

wildswans · 23/06/2012 07:55

My DH and I are going away on our own for a special wedding anniversary next month. Last time we did this MIL came to stay and my eldest DC was at home (aged 19 and very capable).

This time, however, eldest DC has booked a 5 day holiday with friends at the last minute (the only date they can all do) so our absences will overlap by two whole days and two part days (she goes on a Thursday am and we are back on Sunday early pm).

MIL is prepared to come again but last time it didn't work out very well. She is 80 and although fine in many ways is developing senile dementia, constantly forgets things, repeats herself every couple of minutes, doesn't know how to work the oven, so the DC have to do the cooking etc.

MIL also starts drinking vodka at about 5pm and although she doesn't consume a huge amount (a litre a week and some wine), the DC say that she would become quite aggressive after she had been drinking - not physically aggressive but quite critical and 'nasty', bossing them around and accusing them of showing insufficient respect. I'm sure some of the tension is due to a generation gap etc - she and DC normally get on fine, but in small doses.

Now the 17 year old and the 13 year old say that they don't want Granny to stay again when we are away because she is just another person to look after and they don't want her around. They insist that they can look after themselves for a few days. They are both quite mature and responsible and assure me that thye will not be having wild parties etc.

My cleaning lady will be in on two of the days we are away (lovely and completely trustworthy), my eldest DC's boyfriend (22 and very capable) said he could come over if there is any problem, and the 13 year old is going to a sleepover at a friend's on the Saturday. The 17 year old is going to have her best friend to stay over. However, there is no other adult I feel I can ask to stay at the house.

AIBU to leave the 17 year old and the 13 year old on their own for a few days?

OP posts:
IDismyname · 23/06/2012 07:57

I guess its your call.... You know your kids, but accidents DO happen to even sensible people.

However, if it goes tits-up, try and imagine yourself explaining the result to the Police or SS?

JumpingThroughHoops · 23/06/2012 07:59

Of what use would an infirm, drunk pensioner with dementia be anyway?

holyfishnets · 23/06/2012 07:59

I think it depends on how much involvement the 22 year old has and how sensible the other kids are. Can the 22 year old pop by daily for a bit and can she sleep with he phone by her bed? Or is there anyone else that can pop by too?

holyfishnets · 23/06/2012 08:00

Can they just go to friends houses instead?

gettingeasier · 23/06/2012 08:01

YANBU at all

roughtyping · 23/06/2012 08:01

I would. I was a parent at 17...! You know your kids best - do you think they'll be sensible? Will the 13 yo cause any trouble for 17 yo?

gettingeasier · 23/06/2012 08:01

Thats what I thought jumping Grin

takingiteasy · 23/06/2012 08:02

If it was just the 17 year old I'd say yes. Not so sure about making her in charge of the younger one though.

To be honest I'm more concerned about your mother in law and it sounds like you don't give a shit. Has she got support? The onset of dementia is an horrific time.

ariadne1 · 23/06/2012 08:02

No it is absolutely Not ok. I can't believe you even have to ask this!

Ghanagirl · 23/06/2012 08:03

I wouldn't leave them alone, is there no one else? Can you ask cleaner to stay over and pay her?

JosieZ · 23/06/2012 08:03

Sounds fine to me.

JumpingThroughHoops · 23/06/2012 08:04

I can just picture it the phone call "Granny has gone mad and shes in her cups"

fivegomadindorset · 23/06/2012 08:05

Could you ask DC's boyfriend to stay?

ElephantsCanRemember · 23/06/2012 08:05

The 17year old, yes. The 13year old, no.
Can your 13yr old stay at a friends house?

roughtyping · 23/06/2012 08:06

Hmm why is it not ok? 17yo could be living alone.

ariadne1 · 23/06/2012 08:07

' why is it not ok? 17yo could be living alone'

but there's a 13 yo too!!!

TantrumsAndBalloons · 23/06/2012 08:09

I don't think anyone can really answer that but you.

Some DCs would be fine at that age, mine are 13&14 and I would expect that at 17 I could leave them to look after ds2 (8 now) but that's because they are used to picking him up from ASC now and watching him for an hour and the older ones get themselves up in the morning etc, they can and do cook once a week, help with washing, ironing etc.

Some of their friends the same age are pretty clueless and couldn't be trusted at home alone.

You know if your DCs are responsible enough, tbh it sounds as though MIL would be one more person to look after, not an actual help IYSWIM
R

JumpingThroughHoops · 23/06/2012 08:09

Who normally looks after MIL if she cant use and oven and is swigging vodka from mid afternoon?

roughtyping · 23/06/2012 08:11

Yes, that's why I posted that it depends on 13yo. OP obviously thinks they're sensible enough.

Ephiny · 23/06/2012 08:14

Sounds like they'd be better off alone than with your MIL to 'look after' them, if those are the two choices here.

Squids · 23/06/2012 08:16

You know your children. I would expect most to be able to do this just fine, they are 13 and 17 so should be perfectly capable. The sleepover, the cleaner...there is back up around.

Wouldn't leave them to look after MIL though!

mumblechum1 · 23/06/2012 08:17

OP, you know your children. You will always get people posting that they are horrified at the prospect, perhaps because their own children of the same age could never be trusted, or because they have no experience.

Go with your own judgement.

My 17 year old DS is extremely mature, has been left for a few days at a time since he was 15, alone for a week at a time since 16, travelled extensively alone since he was 15 and is a part time soldier. If I had a 13 year old I would absolutely trust him to be sensible and adult, not blab about an open house on Facebook, set the house on fire or anything else.

Some of his friends are also 17 and can barely make toast or switch the washing machine on.

If you trust your children to be sensible, and you have good back up, I'd go for it.

Original poster
wildswans · 23/06/2012 08:17

MIL is a different problem. She can use her own oven and she uses a timer and makes lists so not to forget things. Her family visit every day. I would say that she has deteriorated even in the last few months and we are keeping a close eye on her. I agree that it dementia is a terrible condition. I certainly wasn't meaning to suggest that she is an alcohlic, just that the DC see her as someone else to take care of rather than someone to take care of them.

OP posts:
mumto2andnomore · 23/06/2012 08:18

I think it's fine as you know your children to be sensible and they have someone to turn to if there is an emergency.

TantrumsAndBalloons · 23/06/2012 08:20

There are some people who don't have teenagers and can't imagine the scenario.
There are also teenagers who are totally irresponsible
And there are sensible, responsible teens.

It sounds as though you think yours are the responsible type.

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