To leave a 17 year old and 13 year old alone for 4 days?

[wildswans]

My DH and I are going away on our own for a special wedding anniversary next month. Last time we did this MIL came to stay and my eldest DC was at home (aged 19 and very capable).

This time, however, eldest DC has booked a 5 day holiday with friends at the last minute (the only date they can all do) so our absences will overlap by two whole days and two part days (she goes on a Thursday am and we are back on Sunday early pm).

MIL is prepared to come again but last time it didn't work out very well. She is 80 and although fine in many ways is developing senile dementia, constantly forgets things, repeats herself every couple of minutes, doesn't know how to work the oven, so the DC have to do the cooking etc.

MIL also starts drinking vodka at about 5pm and although she doesn't consume a huge amount (a litre a week and some wine), the DC say that she would become quite aggressive after she had been drinking - not physically aggressive but quite critical and 'nasty', bossing them around and accusing them of showing insufficient respect. I'm sure some of the tension is due to a generation gap etc - she and DC normally get on fine, but in small doses.

Now the 17 year old and the 13 year old say that they don't want Granny to stay again when we are away because she is just another person to look after and they don't want her around. They insist that they can look after themselves for a few days. They are both quite mature and responsible and assure me that thye will not be having wild parties etc.

My cleaning lady will be in on two of the days we are away (lovely and completely trustworthy), my eldest DC's boyfriend (22 and very capable) said he could come over if there is any problem, and the 13 year old is going to a sleepover at a friend's on the Saturday. The 17 year old is going to have her best friend to stay over. However, there is no other adult I feel I can ask to stay at the house.

AIBU to leave the 17 year old and the 13 year old on their own for a few days?

I would say definitely yes leave the 17 year old (and I'd be questioning my parenting if I had a 17 yr old who couldn't be left alone for a week ) and definitely no don't leave the 13 year old. S/he needs to be farmed put to friends or other relatives.

Yanbu. My best friend had her daughter at just gone 18, was she to be taken away as 17 isn't responsible enough to look after a younger child?! I lived away from home at 17, when my parents went on holiday I went back to look after my 15 year old brother. You know your kids.

Going to step away from this thread as a couple of posters are being a bit judgey and it's getting to me.

OP, when I was 18 I was asked to look after my 16 yo and 13 yo sisters for a week, along with my baby. It was fine. We had our cousin in his mid twenties pop in once to make sure everyone was ok.

They will be fine! Granny is there if anything does go wrong. Your eldest is 17!

I lived on my own when I was 18!

We've left our 17yo for a few days a coulle of times, and once for a week. He'll probably be on his own again for a week in the summer.

DH thinks we could leave our 14y/o DD with him for a couple of days, but I'd rather not. I don't think it'd be fair for him to have responsibility for her, and I think she'd really feel the absence of her mum and dad.

Maybe, as two girls, your DDs would feel more of a unit, and be fine, but I think I'd try and farm out the younger one at least for a couple of nights.

DH's view is that the older one could be shacked up with a baby, but he isn't (thankfully) and I don't think I'll be leaving the pair of them together for at least another year.

My parents left me from the age of 17, but although they trusted me to take good care of my sister they arranged for her to stay at someone else's house. A family friend who lives down the road kept in contact a couple of times a day and I had my best friend stay over the whole time.

We didn't have a house party and we didn't do anything stupid.

I don't think you are being unreasonable but I would suggest the 14 year old goes to stay elsewhere and perhaps a DD's mother that you trust phones lunchtime and early evening just to keep an eye everything's ok. I think you must be a little concerned about it, otherwise you wouldn't have posted but with just 17 year old DD (and not little 14 year old) there is much less than can go wrong - legally she could already be living alone so there's no problem if you feel you can trust her.

I know other parents left their children for a few days when their eldest DC was about 17.

When I was 17 I stayed at a family friend's house with their 10 year old daughter while their 8 year old was having major surgery and in intensive care and they were staying with her.

It was fine. My mum came every day to drop us both at school (I couldn't drive and the schools were in opposite directions) and we just got on with it. I even had one of her friends over for a play date.

The only thing that was difficult was getting my homework done as I had to wait until after she was in bed.

Hmm... I totally agree with all the poster saying that you know your own DCs, but would you spend your precious time away worrying about them if you had left them alone? I have been having the same dilemma - my DCs are 18 and 15 - I would be absolutely fine leaving them both for a few days, and indeed I have left my DS (the older one) home alone for the odd night since he was 15... but my DD is not the same child; she is now questioning why she has to come to a family event this weekend rather than be left alone, as we have done with her brother at the same age - well I trust her, but she has a much wider social circle than he did at that age, and I'm not sure I trust all of them not to hold an inpromptu party!

Only you can decide what's best OP - do you have a friend or neighbour who could look in on the and perhaps spy report back to you?

Our neighbours used to go away and leave their 16 year old in charge of the 12 year old, then the next year too, so similar ages. The older one is very capable (infact she has babysat for our children on a few occassions) but in general it was a disaster, with the youngest moving out to the neighbour's on 2 occasions! The youngest did not want to be told what to do by the oldest ect. The 17 year old would be fine on their own but I would try to find somewhere for the 13 year old to go to. Our neighbours are away at the mo, the younger child is now 16. In general this would be ok except every time they go away she has groups of friends around and they are in the back and front garden shouting, swearing and getting very drunk. But it is ok, because she is sensible and always clears up after befre the parents get home (don't worry up the neighbours having to listen to what sounds like the house being trashed ect).

Accidents, meh, I'd have no worries whatsoever about that.

It's parties with booze & canoodling naked skin that would worry me. Gawd knows that's what we would have planned to do with adult-free house at 13.
At 17 I was quite trustworthy!
Depends how much you can rely on the 17yo to grass up the 13yo, I think. :)

I was asked to babysit two children overnight when I was about 21 and the kids about 8 and 4. I didn't know them that well (had looked after them a few times before then) but if I'd been free to do so I would have done as I was happy with the idea.

Obviously I was slightly older than your 17 yo but at the same time the children were quite a bit younger, plus I didn't really know them.

If you and your two childen are happy, sensible and will do the right thing if something happens then go for it. So long as you put strict rules in place, why not?

I was babysitting other kids at 13, inc babies, and would have been fine to be left alone (and was).

Don't know why you'd ask here though, you'll get loads of sure do it, loads of are you fucking mad you evil witch, and loads of whatever else people will project onto you based on their children rather than yours.

This thread is very much going to be about what individual posters were like at the respective ages of 17 and 13. I was perfectly reliable at both ages, so can see that it could work. But there would have to be very definite house rules including not informing your friends that you are at home alone.

I think it depends on the relationship between your two children, to be honest. I am a grandmother and when I was 15 I went away for the weekend to the south coast with my parents and younger sister - and then they stayed on for the rest of the week and I caught the train home by myself to the Midlands where I lived by myself until they came home. I actually started work when I was 15 - as many of us did in those days and so, obviously, we were considered to be adults. If you are happy about the relationship between your daughters, and have contingency plans in place, I can't see any problems with this.

Thank you for all your replies, which i greatly appreciate.

My DD's boyfriend (aged 22, very sensible, been going out together over 2 years and youngest DCs are fine with this - regard him as a brother) has agreed to stay over on the nights when my eldest is away before we are back. Will tell neighbours, make sure they have 'phone numbers, will ring every day (at least twice!), so should hopefully be ok.

Yes it is OK. Have a good holiday :)

I have just left my 16 year old and 14 year old, for four days. I have family 15 minutes away.

There isn't one answer to this, my children are mature, sensible and trustworthy and get on well. My 16 year old has been working for a year in childcare and wants to be a MW.

It is a shame that people discount all teens, my DD is desperate for work and there is little about, not even babysitting.

I'd left home and was living on my own at 17! Yanbu.