To leave a 17 year old and 13 year old alone for 4 days?

[wildswans]

My DH and I are going away on our own for a special wedding anniversary next month. Last time we did this MIL came to stay and my eldest DC was at home (aged 19 and very capable).

This time, however, eldest DC has booked a 5 day holiday with friends at the last minute (the only date they can all do) so our absences will overlap by two whole days and two part days (she goes on a Thursday am and we are back on Sunday early pm).

MIL is prepared to come again but last time it didn't work out very well. She is 80 and although fine in many ways is developing senile dementia, constantly forgets things, repeats herself every couple of minutes, doesn't know how to work the oven, so the DC have to do the cooking etc.

MIL also starts drinking vodka at about 5pm and although she doesn't consume a huge amount (a litre a week and some wine), the DC say that she would become quite aggressive after she had been drinking - not physically aggressive but quite critical and 'nasty', bossing them around and accusing them of showing insufficient respect. I'm sure some of the tension is due to a generation gap etc - she and DC normally get on fine, but in small doses.

Now the 17 year old and the 13 year old say that they don't want Granny to stay again when we are away because she is just another person to look after and they don't want her around. They insist that they can look after themselves for a few days. They are both quite mature and responsible and assure me that thye will not be having wild parties etc.

My cleaning lady will be in on two of the days we are away (lovely and completely trustworthy), my eldest DC's boyfriend (22 and very capable) said he could come over if there is any problem, and the 13 year old is going to a sleepover at a friend's on the Saturday. The 17 year old is going to have her best friend to stay over. However, there is no other adult I feel I can ask to stay at the house.

AIBU to leave the 17 year old and the 13 year old on their own for a few days?

Id say itd be ok but im basing that on me at 17 with well my dsis was 10 then and we would have been ok.

If theyll be alone thurs fri and saturday nights could you arrange a sleepover fri night somehwere for the youngest on the friday night? A night off for the 17 year ild plus the 13yo will be so knackered saturday that theyll be in bed early haha

I think you should let DCs boyfriend stay and then make sure all are clear that the 13 year old is not left on her own. Although you are only away four days, it's most of the weekend and lots of things can happen.

Of course it's fine.
Trust your instincts.
You know your kids.
Have a great time.

No, I wouldn't, not for 4 days, even though it does sound as if it could be done. Particularly not the 13 year old. 13 year olds are quite little still, even if they are mature etc. So I definitely wouldn't even consider leaving the 13 year old alone.

I also think it's unfair for the 17 year old to have to look after their sibling, but then generally I have a bit of a more general issue with children / adolescents being put into a parenting role. So that's your call to make, there are different views on this.

As for your MIL, she is quite rightly seen by your DC as someone to look after rather than someone who takes care of them! So she doesn't come into the equation. In fact, she's much more of a problem than a solution.

It sounds as if you already have some people willing to help; do you not have a babysitter who could do a sleepover for a couple nights, and some hours during the day? As I said, the 13 year old really sounds to me too young to be left alone.

But A 17 could be living alone with a child. You obviously trust them so I would go. Is there a neighbour they could call upon incase of emergency? My mum had to have an op In hospitial when I was 13, older sisters 16 and 17. We were all fine.

Only you know the answer to this OP. There's a similar age difference between me and my younger sister and we were left alone at similar ages. But I was always mature and sensible. Not all 17 year olds are.

Not all 13 yo are too young to be left with a 17 yo, it depends on the child.

I doubt the op would even consider it, if her DCs were not responsible enough.

At 14 I went on holiday with my friend by ourselves for a week. So long as there are contingency plans in place, then trust your judgement. Noone else knows your kids and whether they could cope.

I have a 17 year old and a 14 year old (and a mother developing dementia).
Sadly the children find her hard to cope with now.

The children are both very sensible but ds (the eldest) is very sociable and would be out every night, possibly overnight (he keeps in touch with me always) and he wouldn't necessarily think of his sister. He also has a girlfriend and would probably invite four friends back and ten would come.
In a way he needs more management than his sister because he is more mature, growing up very fast and finding his feet as an adult.

His sister, at 14, is just too young to be left alone either on her own or with him. My other big concern would be keys, locking up and losing keys when we were away. Personally I would farm them out to their friends - we have done it a few times and it works both ways.

How long are you going for thought.

I think it would be cool from your description of your children, but I would generally say I think 13 is a little young to be left. Saying that... I babysat babies when I was 17!

Perhaps just reiterate to the 17 yo that 13 yos, even when mature, can freak out in emergencies, and that she should make sure she is always around/in a position to manage any situation that may arise.

I wouldn't worry about not asking MIL.

Regardless of levels of maturity, I really do think 13 year olds are too young to be left without an adult. And regardless of whether some 17 year olds end up having babies of their own, they're not adults (in fact, my argument would be that 17 year old parents need massive support, regardless of whether they get it!) Anyway, as this is not about 17 year old parents, I would agree with married: couldn't you have them stay with friends? it's only a few days. IN any case, your call to make at the end of the day, you know your kids, but if it were me I wouldn't.

Similar age difference to me and my sis (snap ScarlettLady) and we were trusted alone for a couple of days at that age - and we weren't even that sensible

Your plan of having the boyfriend/ cleaning lady check in on them sounds fine and much better than the drunk 80 year old!

I was living away from home and sharing a house with university friends at 17. But I was not left for four days in charge of a 13 year old.

I'd arrange sleepovers for both of them.

We are going for a week. I was thinking of seeing if I could take the DC with me and am going to check later, but I suspect that this won't be possible.

I suppose the fact that I have posted means I have some misgivings, so will have to consider whether there are any alternatives, especially for the 13 year old. It is the fact of making the 17 year old responsible for the 13 year old which worries me slightly, although I do think that they are both very sensible.

I dont see it as a problem leaving a 17 year old alone, but its up to you regarding your 13 year old. 16 year old can legally marry here in Scotland without parental permission. Im interested in the people who say "no way, cant believe you even have to ask" type responses would say this if it was just the 17 year old. I left my DS at 17 when we went for a weeks holiday to France I knew everything would be fine.

If you have neighbours that are happy to keep an ear out and the eldest's DP on standby I don't see any problem.

Do they know plenty of people on your street? Could you leave a spare key with one of them? Could you not rearrange your break for when your 19 yr old is at home?

maria2007 do you really think a 17 year old isnt an adult and still a child? As I said 16 year olds can marry.

You seem worried about it so would you even enjoy it?

Duckdodgers, it's such a murky area, what makes an 'adult' and what makes a 'child'. Regardless of the legal arrangements, it's murky (for the law there always needs to be a cut-off point doesn't there). There's a huge variation, I feel. And 17 year olds who become parents need, in my view, lots of support: emotional as well as practical.

But in terms of the OP's question, if it were the 17 year old on their own, I wouldn't have misgivings leaving them alone for a few days, as long as they were to be trusted. It's the 13 year old I have misgivings about.

Not sure that it is fair on the 17 year old to be responsible for the 13yr old. The 13 yr old is at a sleepover for one night - is it possible to find another sleepover for the Friday?

17 year old is fine - i was left alone for a couple of nights at that age, good practice for the real world,particularly with other people popping in.

MIL needs someone looking after her not the other way round, don't bring her into the equation, not fair on the DCs.

It depends on the teenagers, and if you are happy then I don't think there's any problem with it. Things to consider for me, would be - do they get on well enough for them not to kill each other while I was away (I know mine would definitely be in the "killing each other" category), are they likely to hold a huge party while you are gone (as my older brother and I did when my parents left us for a month at 16 and 18) and, can you rely on them NOT to advertise that they will be "home alone" on fb. As a precaution I would inform friendly and reliable neighbours of the situation and leave your mobile number with as manypeople as possible.

If the 17 year old was happy with it and I knew they were responsible I would. At 17 my dd was a carer for children with special needs and was often in sole charge of one lad while his mum was away. I work in a special school with a young woman and I was recently asked if I wanted to contribute to her birthday collection. I assumed she was going to be 21 but no, it was for her 18th I would never have guessed she was just 17 and I've worked with her closely this last year. The OP has said the 17 year old has a network of support they can call on if needs be.