To put my foot down about this party at 39 weeks pg?

[Antianniversary]

Have name changed for this for obvious reasons. My PIL have their 40th wedding anniversary near my due date with DC3 and apparently they were planning a big family party at their home to celebrate until my a relative pointed out that I will be 38 weeks pregnant and probably wouldn?t want to travel a four hour car journey each way away from my home to their party at that time.

So PIL decided to have the party where we live (the only relatives who live in this area). They have booked a hotel near to our house for 15 friends/relatives and turned it into a three day anniversary weekend. The guests have all been invited now and have accepted. Their plan is for various sightseeing/restaurants etc for the first two days on the third evening have a get together at my house.

The first that DH or I hear about any of this is last night?s phone call, where PIL explain this as a done deal (everyone is coming!!) and go on about what a massive favour they are doing me by having it here. DH and I are apparently expected to join in the for the three days. Also expected to sort things out and organise restaurants and tickets (as they know we will want to help out and we know the area) and apparently it is no hassle having everyone over to mine as its informal.

DH did say that it was absolutely not on without asking us and particularly so near my due date and that we couldn?t agree to all of it and was met with surprise and waterworks about ruining their anniversary as they have rearranged all their plans to suit me and hotel for 15 people is all booked and paid for and the least we can do is go along with it.

I like my PIL and am happy to celebrate their anniversary with them and happy to help, but the thought of this descending on me so late in my pregnancy is exhausting. Am also fuming that this is apparently for my benefit, when they didn?t bother to discuss it with us beforehand (quite frankly would have preferred 8 hours in the car)or DH could have gone with DS1 and DS2 while I stayed at home.

AIBU to put my foot down and refuse to host the party at my house and limit which bits of the weekend I attend. I will be shattered by then wont I, if not going into labour?

Completely agree with exepat - that StepMIL has got some ishoos

I agree with domesticslattern - this is a good result, in a way. She's shown her true colours - how dare she say that about your children?

Get your husband to write to his dad explaining everything. If I were his dad I'd be so ashamed of my wife.

Did his stepmother bring him up? Does she have any children herself?

at your SMIL's disgusting behaviour!

Having said that, it's ok because it's not your problem now. Enjoy chillinhg out in your last few weeks of pregnancy. Which is how it should me imo

I agree with the others that your DH needs to speak to his father directly and sort this out.

I am at his SM behaviour.

YANBU tell them you are having a home birth so it's not possible.

What a horrible woman.

It's quite clear that the London party was about a big bash in London and fuck all to do with your presence.

You have no reason to feel bad. None.

oh my sweet lord that is horrendous behaviour from SMIL. I applaud your DH for his calm way of standing up to her, and for agreeing that you should not host this.

I agree that DH should speak to FIL seperately as there could be some wires crossed from toxic SMIL

Good luck - and please try to relax now

"She said some stuff around our DC1 and impending DC2 not being 'real grandchildren' as they were IVF and against God's law "
OMFG! that is unbelievable. What a horrid woman.

Your DH definitely needs to speak to his father about this - outrageous!

Don't back down op, especially as she has insulted your children in such a disgusting way. I think your DH is right to cut her out of his life, I'm surprised you didn't tell him before her views on your dc

Do they realise you could potentially give birth anything from 37weeks to 42weeks.
At 38 weeks, there is a very high chance you could be giving birth!-what will they do if that happens?, will they expect dh to stay behind and miss out on the birth all for their showy party
Put your foot down, explain labour will be immenant at the time and you could do without the stress when so heavily pregant

No she doesn't have children of her own. She married DH's father when he was around 12, so she bought him up through the teenage years. DH's sister has older children, but lives 5 hours away from her stepmother, so she wasn't involved when they were little and hasn't had friends/sisters with children around.

DH's father is a bit henpecked and not going to stand up to her. They are very much the sort of couple who are visibly 'in love' with lots of PDA (groping and snogging on the dance floor at DH's sister's wedding anyone?) to the exclusion of wider family. Think it was a bit grim for DH when he was a teenager and I think it has been me that has pushed him to make a bit more effort to have an ongoing relationship with them. Thats why I didnt tell DH when she made the initial comments.

I suppose her comments don't upset me as a) People can be very judgey about IVF, you only have to read mumsnet threads to realise that, b) Its a completely bonkers point of view and c) She isn't my parent. However if my own parents said such a thing I would be deeply hurt, so didnt want to upset DH. He is absolutely furious.

Think we need to let the dust settle on this for a week or so then I will try and persuade DH to call his father. Thanks for saying I shouldn't cave, normally I dont mind a row, but it all feels a bit much at the moment.

I started off reading this thread thinking "that's shockingly rude and arrogant" but after you described the SMIL's reaction to your DH's polite explanation as to why you couldn't participate as demanded, I'm now thinking "evil bitch". You really are better off with someone like that out of your life but of course I don't expect it's quite that simple for your DH. Even though he'd furious he must feel very betrayed and let down. All that stuff about being spiteful and selfish - you do realise that's classic projection don't you ?

Yes .... let the dust settle, then perhaps DH can call his dad, if he wants to. But really, you have far more important things to worry/concentrate on right now. I might be inclined to leave it altogether until after the birth even. I just hope for your DH's sake that his dad gets in touch first - but of course no doubt the version of events he'll hear could be very different to what actually happened and what was said.

Sorry should have said, DH was on speakerphone, so FIL heard both sides of the conversation.

Do not give in to her little hissyfit. Who does she think she is! What an awful woman. Be thankful she has shown her true colours and forget her and the party, focus on you and the baby.

I think when people hear what youe SMIL tried to bully you in to, she will be the one who has made herself look stupid.

Please do not host this party. You are about to give birth. Nothing else can compare.

SMIL sounds vile. I'm afraid I would have had to point out that she wasn't their real grandmother, not because of IVF but because she wasn't your DH's real mother, just some bird his father happened to be married to but then I'm a bitch

I wouldn't speak to the vile cunt ever again.

Does she want to live up to the evil step mother image?
She is shocking.
Is it a special anniversary, 25 years or something?
Anyway, she's burnt her bridges.
enjoy your pregnancy and new baby.

What a truly bitter woman she is! It's good to hear that you're not going to back down about this party because if it wasn't this occasion there would be something else in the future that she would kick off about.

Sorry have just seen its the 40th anniversary.

Blimey do not cave, you have offered to do everything you can to help celebrate and oh my word her true colours!!!!

You cannot reward anyone who has spoken about your family in such disgusting terms. Will be interesting to see what DH siblings make of it.

I'm gobsmacked someone could even think something like that about a child conceived by IVF never mind actually saying it to the parents. I am also in awe of your dignity in face of such vitriol.

YANBU. A fait accompli is not acceptable.

Point out that you may have had the baby/be in labour/be in hospital by then.

Say you cannot and will not host anything at your house. It's too late in your PG, plus you have had no decent notice.

Also say that it's nice that everything is happening so close to you, because it means that you will be able to choose which bits you attend, when you want to leave early, etc.

And if you don't want to organise restaurants etc, don't ? although perhaps together with your DH you could do a bit?

Reiterate that a surprise is not a good idea at this stage of a pregnancy.

Gosh. Wasn't expecting that outcome when I started reading this thread - you and your DH are and were not being at all unreasonable in the first place and your SMIL sounds like an absolute cow.

Leave the dust to settle and leave your DH to decide whether or not he wants to resume contact with his father - I wouldn't blame him if he chose never to speak to his SM again, tbh, I certainly wouldn't after comments like that!

Please don't try and make amends - this is now between your DH and his DF and SMIL - leave them to deal with it. You concentrate on your pg, having your DC3 and be thankful you don't have to deal with the 3day fandango of a wedding anniversary that they had a bloody cheek foisting on you in the first place.

Really - leave it to your DH (trying to hammer the point home here) - I know it's not nice to have rifts, but it's his choice.