To put my foot down about this party at 39 weeks pg?

[Antianniversary]

Have name changed for this for obvious reasons. My PIL have their 40th wedding anniversary near my due date with DC3 and apparently they were planning a big family party at their home to celebrate until my a relative pointed out that I will be 38 weeks pregnant and probably wouldn?t want to travel a four hour car journey each way away from my home to their party at that time.

So PIL decided to have the party where we live (the only relatives who live in this area). They have booked a hotel near to our house for 15 friends/relatives and turned it into a three day anniversary weekend. The guests have all been invited now and have accepted. Their plan is for various sightseeing/restaurants etc for the first two days on the third evening have a get together at my house.

The first that DH or I hear about any of this is last night?s phone call, where PIL explain this as a done deal (everyone is coming!!) and go on about what a massive favour they are doing me by having it here. DH and I are apparently expected to join in the for the three days. Also expected to sort things out and organise restaurants and tickets (as they know we will want to help out and we know the area) and apparently it is no hassle having everyone over to mine as its informal.

DH did say that it was absolutely not on without asking us and particularly so near my due date and that we couldn?t agree to all of it and was met with surprise and waterworks about ruining their anniversary as they have rearranged all their plans to suit me and hotel for 15 people is all booked and paid for and the least we can do is go along with it.

I like my PIL and am happy to celebrate their anniversary with them and happy to help, but the thought of this descending on me so late in my pregnancy is exhausting. Am also fuming that this is apparently for my benefit, when they didn?t bother to discuss it with us beforehand (quite frankly would have preferred 8 hours in the car)or DH could have gone with DS1 and DS2 while I stayed at home.

AIBU to put my foot down and refuse to host the party at my house and limit which bits of the weekend I attend. I will be shattered by then wont I, if not going into labour?

Sort out the restaurants and theatre by emailing PIL some website links for local restaurants and theatres and telling them not to get tickets for you and DH in case you are busy.

Set up birth pool on day you are meant to be hosting, strip off and get in as first guests arrive. Hand towels, latex gloves, sieves etc to guests at the door. See how long it takes them to get the hint.

YANBU, I'd be horrified if my PIL did this to me. I would put my foot down about hosting the evening at yours. I'd phrase it as "just in case the baby arrives early , I wouldn't want to inconvenience you by having to change your plans at the last minute, so best to arrange that night somewhere else."

For me, at that stage in pg, I just wanted to have a safe little nest at home for myself, having loads of people over would be a horrible idea.

Personally I'd be begging my Dr for an induction at 38+5d and hope that I was still in hospital for the anniversary weekend, and let them get on with it.

What can you do?

• book restaurant, tickets etc - but don't book tickets for you or DH, no point wasting them if you're in labour/young baby.
• suggest things for them to see in the local area that they may enjoy
• leave the final night dinner thing open, I'm sure they will cope if it doesn't happen due to pregnancy issues (like giving birth!). If entertaining informally isn't your thing, then book a local restaurant, but to be honest it might be easiest at home with your kids etc... finger foods or very simple menu might be OK.

Let the masses come, but create a weekend that you can pop into things, rather than hinge around you - it is THEIR anniversary after all.

No chance they got married in this area is there? if so, church service at the church they were married in, lunch at the reception venue and walk around a local national trust property in the afternoon might be good itinerary for one day of the weekend.

Blimey, they have got a little overexcited, haven't they?
Clearly you are feeling quite overwhelmed - and quite rightly so....but take a step back for just a moment.
They obviously really want you all there, hence organising things to (they think!) accomodate your attendance at everything.

I think you should have a frank conversation, or send them a card saying that: -1. you would love to be there for everything but that you would hate to commit to things that you later have to pull out of/cancel.
2.Given the above, you feel it is best to assume that you will come to the bits that you feel well enough to.

1. That you won't know until closer to the end of your pregnancy what you feel well enough to go to.
2. That you won't be able to host a party at your house, as you may have a new baby and would hate to have to cancel the party at short notice.

sieves!

don't forget to moo like a hippo/wail/screech/grunt as soon as people start arriving

Oh. My. God.

I am 39 weeks tomorrow and I would actually have a full on shit fit if someone did this to me. I'd just leave it with DP to sort out. I have tidied my house to within an inch of it's life and if someone attempted to land 15 people on me unannounced as part of their Anniversary 'weekend' I would have a mental breakdown!

Just delegate the task of explaining that this is in no way going to happen to the PIL. Show your face for an hour or two on one of the evenings and then go home and close your door on the lot of them! MADNESS!!!

To them to book a party room at the hotel they are staying, and you will come along if you're not in labour at the time.

Just delegate the task of explaining that this is in no way going to happen to your DH I meant!

Am very pleased that people think its not normal to invite 15 people to a party at someone else's house without telling them.

DH has agreed that we should not host the party, but thinks it would be better coming from me, ha, ha! To be honest, I dont think we can afford to host a party, go to the theatre, pay for babysitter, pay for restaurant meals etc.

Organising will be painful as PIL will expect to be presented with loads of options to choose from rather than me saying "I have booked x restaurant". Painful as it is, i do think I have to suck up helping organise, especially as we are going to refuse to host it.

Anti, I think your response is very reasonable.

If they are still not happy about you not hosting "drinks", it's time for "TMI", as in "well I know I haven't mentioned this before, but last pregnancy at 39weeks this happened (anything gross) so I would be worried about ruining "drinks" or actually we weren't sure how you'd react, but we actually already have the home birthing pool as I found water helped from the very first twinge & I have a sieve." so go ahead & phone fil.

Bloody hell ! They love themselves don't they?

Most people would be happy with one event, what are they thinking with a whole weekend worth of stuff!? They must think people are made of money too!

yes but only give them two maybe three options per request and then make them book it and deal with said restaurant etc,. ie, they are the bookees so to speak so any updates changes the venue would be ringing them

good luck op

Let me get this right. Your PIL have organised a party at your house without asking you first? Never mind that you're heavily pregnant!

No. That's all you need say. Just NO!

Ask yourself what you want to do and do exactly that. And tell your husband to do the same (apart from party at house = non negotiable). Seeing as your PiL "don't do grandchildren", you have every right not to "do" wedding anniversaries.

.

Book the stuff for them but don't give options just tell them that's what they're doing.

They can't complain, that's what they did to you after all, isn't it? See how they bloody like it.

YANBU

Just to update, DH spoke to his parents (thanks for your good advice) and was quite assertive but very nice (I was listening). Unfortunately, it has caused a massive rift.

DH said quite gently that they will need to prepare themelves that I might not be able to go to many things as I certainly wouldn't want to sit in a theatre for a few hours, run around central London and would need to rest. He said also that we need to keep things as normal as possible for DD running up to the birth and we dont want to fob her off to babysitters for three nights.

He said that he was sorry, but that it just wasn't possible for us to host a party at our house that late in my pregnancy, that we needed to get the house straight for the new baby, not deal with preparing and clearing the house afterwards, that there was a good chance the baby might be here and that he would look into local venues for hosting a party.

He also said that they really should have asked us first as it was going to be quite tricky and while he wanted to celebrate their anniversary with them, this really hadn't been the best solution.

His stepmother went absolutely crazy, sobbing down the phone, saying that we were deliberately ruining her anniversary, were spiteful and selfish and didnt deserve them as parents and making her look stupid in front of the whole family.

She said some stuff around our DC1 and impending DC2 not being 'real grandchildren' as they were IVF and against God's law (this has come up before as she is catholic and has real difficulty with it, despite her priest saying he has no problem with IVF) and that she would cut them out of their will and doesn't want to see them or us ever again. We are disinvited to the anniversary celebrations.

FIL has kept quiet in all this and I am stuck in the middle now as DH says that he will never speak to her again after the comments about our DC (which I had kept from him previously when she raised it when I was pregnant with DC1 as I knew he would press the nuclear button).

Really stressed about this and feel that I should have gone along with their plans. Should I try and persuade DH to host it after all, i hate the emotional blackmail, but it isn't worth this falling out.

Absolutely not, she sounds hateful and none of this is your doing, it's a bleesing in disguise, you don't need evil people like this in your lives - she is the spiteful and selfish one here, don't you dare relent, your DH has done what a good husband should and told her where to go, the plan was insane.

How awful. No you should not try and persuade him to host it though. It is completely selfish of them to expect you to do this so near to the birth.

Stand your ground and dont give in to her, she sounds bloody awful.

Oh my god, NO, do not offer to host.

Step-mother is behaving like a self-centred spolit brat and should be treated like one - i.e. hissy fit ignored.

To be honest, you and your DH have been more than resonable, tried to come up with a solution which works for everyone and she has reacted with histrionics and is the only one being spiteful and selfish. A wedding anniversary, even a big one, is nowhere near as important as the birth of a child and you need to be doing what works for you and looking after yourself.

And as for the things she's said about your children. Jesus, how very f*cking Christian. That alone would make it difficult for me to be in the same room as her, let alone create stress for myself by bowing down to her ridiculous demands.

Ignore, ignore, ignore. And then preferably have your waters break on her anniversary on her favourite pair of shoes. Horrible woman.

Oh thats hard. I guess they really wanted you there and that has clouded any common sense or rational thought. Could they stay at the hotel, have a nice meal and celebration there, and you pop in if you feel able, circumstances allow? Very silly of them not to ask but is there any compromise that can be made? Really for the sake of your fil, because his step mother sounds very spiteful. I hope she apologises for her hateful words.

No! Don't give in.

Any chance your FiL could grow a pair and intervene? Can you talk to him? What do other family members think?

Oh, and try not to stress too much - you need to be taking care of yourself now.

SMiL sounds completely mad and self-centred, so no way should you back down. If your FiL is more sane and reasonable your DH should be able to rebuild bridges with him when things have had time to calm down a little.

That is actually good that she went batshit crazy, as her behaviour has now gone from unreasonable to utterly barkingly unreasonable. This makes your decision for you.
FIL will probably have been fed a partial view of what is going on, and stepmother probably didn't hear properly for emotion.If you want to take the higher ground, get DH to send a note today saying you (he and you) are sorry that she is upset, you appreciate their best intentions and to reiterate that you can do x and y towards the weekend, just unfortunately not a and b. It might be that she cools down in time.

I'd say your husband should try talking to his father about this, to reassure him that there was no intended insult or slight, just concern for his heavily pregnant wife and to tell him he was deeply hurt by the comments about the children.

I'd cut his stepmother out of the conversation entirely because she obviously has separate issues and he shouldn't feel he has to forgive her for her outburst or behaviour.

By the way, does the stepmother have children of her own? It sounds like she has no idea what being 39 weeks pregnant is like, and also has 'issues' around pregnancy and infertility, judging by the IVF comments...