to want to vomit on my father in law?

[Matou]

Sorry, this is a long post, but I want to explain the situation as honestly as I can.
On Sunday, we celebrated DS2's first birthday at our house with DH's family: his mum and step-dad, sister, and his dad and step-mum. (His parents got divorced when he was 6.) My family live in France.
It took me a great deal of efforts to organise this. I have found it difficult getting on with my in-laws since DH and I got engaged. (DH's dad originally said he wasn't going to come to the wedding, but he changed his mind.)
But now that we have children, my in-laws have gone in complete overdrive, especially since we are planning a move to France.
Up until now, I was getting on OK with DH's dad (I even organised a steam engine train ride with him), but not anymore.
I booked a holiday in France, which means we can't attend my sister-in-law's birthday on the day. She is not fussed about it, but my FIL emailed me to make a big issue out of it because she's had breast cancer and he thinks it's important DH and the kids are there to celebrate her birthday.
He asked me to cancel the holiday, adding: 'If your presence is required in France, then we will come and look after the children for as long as required'.
I read this as 'we don't give a toss if you are there or not, you have produced some grandchildren, your job is done, just get out of the way'.
BTW, I am still breastfeeding.
I replied I would not cancel the holiday.
Then my FIL emailed DH, a "clear the air" message, as he puts it. I call it adding insult to injury.
The context is that I am not returning to work after my maternity leave. I took voluntary severance because basically the childcare costs would be more than what I earned.
FIL writes to DH: 'We admire the way in which you have, and are, keeping your family together and providing for them. It is because of that that we are concerned - you are doing too much, and that level is just is not sustainable (...). If you are unable to have this input, then what? That is why we are concerned about the imminent move to France - this is going to be the most stressful undertaking you have ever embarked upon, and it would be immensely difficult (...) even if both you and [me, the OP] were running all cylinders, which it appears to us is not the case.'

So there, I am not running on all cylinders. That's what they call stay-at-home mums these days?

Or maybe he is just genuinely concerned for your husband. Does he have a job on France?

You are not answerable to him! Go to France, take your children along too and ignore him, he sounds intrusive, rude and a bit overbearing.

Leave the bastard

I could be reading this wrong, but to me it sounds like he's genuinely concerned about your DH's welfare. Does he have a history of depression/illness?

Did you book the holiday AFTER knowing about the sisters party?

He sounds incredibly interfering! What does your dh say about it?

Yes.

Vomit on someone.

That's always the answer.

Sounds to me like they are concened

the running on all cylinders comment would REALLY rub me up the wrong way

wtf does he think you are doing all day?

DH has not found a job in France yet. I am looking for a FT job.
No history of depression.
DH does not think FIL is fussed about him. FIL forgot to wish him happy birthday for a month in April.
I booked the holiday after SIL planned a picnic at the weekend near her birthday. I had to book those dates because of DH's work commitments. I apologised to SIL who is rearranging for the weekend after we come back.
DH said about 1st email: I don't like much what I'm reading, and about 2nd email: FIL is sort of apologising. When I read the email for myself, I said: are you crazy? he says I am a burden. DH gave me a hug.
I thought vomitting might be better than shooting FIL.

@ Chaos!

chaos i nearly split my wine laughing at your comment

I think the looking after the kids while you go on holiday might be a misunderstanding - he might not have thought through the whole bf aspect. I also don't think that your FIL is being too unreasonable to be thinking about his daughter (I assume?) on her birthday after being ill, and thinking it would be nice to have her brother and nephews there. However I don't think you are being unreasonable to go on holiday if your SIL is fine with it - but your SIL's opinions don't automatically affect your FIL's, so he is still entitled to feel how he does.

The 'firing on all cylinders' comment is an absolute winner

I think it sounds as though he is worried that your DH is taking on too much but that he is viewing it maybe from a point of view of his generation, which might not have thought of moving abroad (hope that makes sense?)

So I think YANBU to be upset by his comments, I would be too, but I do think this is one of those situations where differences have reared their head where no one meant any deep offence, and he probably didn't mean to sound as harsh as you have taken it. I'd probably go for a 'third strike', see if he does or says anything else which you are upset by.

So if neither of you are ill why the comment about one of you 'not running on all cylinders' (feel like I've missed something)

DH is running on all cylinders providing for us, whereas I am not pulling my weight since I packed up the job.

I am really not sure that he meant the email maliciously. It sounds like he is worried about both of you.

Here is the whole FIL email to DH so you get the tone:

I did tell [me, the OP] that I thought she should have made sure that at least you and the boys were here for [SIL] birthday celebration, seeing that it was pre-arranged and bearing in mind [sil]'s special circumstances and that this is likely to be their last year here in the UK, and I don't regret telling her that because that's what I think. I could have added that her mother has only just been over here. I'm not making an issue out of it, though. I highlight "you and the boys" because [sil] said you thought we had suggested that at least (just) the boys be left behind, and that was never our suggestion, and our offer to come and look after the boys was made in that light (look after them while you were at work) and nothing more.

[the op] does not appreciate that just as she has family in France you have family here, and that in fact your children see just as much of the French side of the family as they do of this side. I have to say this, and I hope you'll forgive me for it, but if your children recognise us as part of the family it is because of the efforts that we have made. That's not a criticism of you, as your holiday time is limited and [the op] always directs that time towards France. We have never raised that as an issue, because we know you're working flat out on things already.

We are not trying to pressurise you, especially at this time in your life, which we know is extremely stressful for you personally. We love you absolutely and wholly, and admire the way in which you have, and are, keeping your family together and providing for them. It is because of that that both we and [MIL]and [DH's step-dad] are concerned - you are doing too much, and that level is just is not sustainable if you are to keep your mental and physical well-being. If you are unable to have this input, then what? That is why we are concerned about the imminent move to France - this is going to be the most stressful undertaking you have ever embarked upon, and it would be immensely difficult and an immense strain even if both you and [the op] were running all cylinders, which it appears to us is not the case.

You have 2 young children but the FIL feels you're not pulling your weight? Just seems so silly that I feel I may have missed something...

But then 'the most stressful undertaking you have ever embarked upon' also seems slightly ridiculous. Theatrical really. Why? How does he know?

I can only guess he is sad you are moving to France and is reacting in this odd way.

YABU to vomit on him but YANBU to emigrate.

What does your Dh say?

Hes a bit of a drama queen isnt he?

It does sound like a complaint wrapped up as concern.

Second Chaos' advice. It's always worked for me.

Well. Is he right? Is all your holiday and leisure time directed towards France?

They sound like a family frightened of seeing very little of their son and grandchildren, while at the same time facing the prospect of losing their daughter to cancer.

I think you sound quite wrapped up in yourself, and somewhat lacking in compassion.

They're only going to France! No reason not to see them.

So why didn't he want to come to your wedding? Sounds like the kind of person who wants to make everything about himself. As jux says 'a complaint wrapped up as a concern'. I like that, I know someone who does this.

Captain - of course no reason not to see them, provided there is will on both sides to allocate funds and holiday time.

I have been living in England for 12 years. As a couple, we took the habit of going to France twice a year so I could spend some time with my family and DH could do some proper cycling. We haven't visited FIL in Scotland since the wedding debacle.
This summer, we were supposed to holiday in the UK and Ireland to go and visit DH's family before the move to France, but eventually the British holiday didn't materialise and we are not moving until next year, so I booked a holiday in France. But I did suggest to DH after last weekend (before I got the 1st email) that we should go to Scotland for the late summer bank holiday. I have since then changed my mind.
DH and I have also agreed a way for the kids to spend some holidays with their British grand-parents once we live in France, but we haven't shared this plan yet. Again, I am reconsidering it, considering my FIL's poor opinion of me.
It seems that all the efforts I have made to connect with him have been in vain.
SIL has finished her treatment and is currently in the clear. She has been very strong and we have a very good relationship, I think. She comes and stays at ours or we go to hers and we always have a good time. She doesn't want to be seen as someone who is ill. And I want to believe that she will have many other birthdays for us to celebrate. Otherwise, it's morbid.
I know it's difficult for them to consider our move to France. But it's really only the grandchildren they are interested in. And it is in the kids' interest that we want to move, to live in a beautiful area with lots of sporting activities.
I wish I was wrapped up in myself. I wish his comments didn't hurt. He has been so hypocritical.

Your post is a lot of "I", rather than "we".

Does he perhaps think that you are the driving force and his son has to comply with what you decide perhaps?