to want to vomit on my father in law?

[Matou]

Sorry, this is a long post, but I want to explain the situation as honestly as I can.
On Sunday, we celebrated DS2's first birthday at our house with DH's family: his mum and step-dad, sister, and his dad and step-mum. (His parents got divorced when he was 6.) My family live in France.
It took me a great deal of efforts to organise this. I have found it difficult getting on with my in-laws since DH and I got engaged. (DH's dad originally said he wasn't going to come to the wedding, but he changed his mind.)
But now that we have children, my in-laws have gone in complete overdrive, especially since we are planning a move to France.
Up until now, I was getting on OK with DH's dad (I even organised a steam engine train ride with him), but not anymore.
I booked a holiday in France, which means we can't attend my sister-in-law's birthday on the day. She is not fussed about it, but my FIL emailed me to make a big issue out of it because she's had breast cancer and he thinks it's important DH and the kids are there to celebrate her birthday.
He asked me to cancel the holiday, adding: 'If your presence is required in France, then we will come and look after the children for as long as required'.
I read this as 'we don't give a toss if you are there or not, you have produced some grandchildren, your job is done, just get out of the way'.
BTW, I am still breastfeeding.
I replied I would not cancel the holiday.
Then my FIL emailed DH, a "clear the air" message, as he puts it. I call it adding insult to injury.
The context is that I am not returning to work after my maternity leave. I took voluntary severance because basically the childcare costs would be more than what I earned.
FIL writes to DH: 'We admire the way in which you have, and are, keeping your family together and providing for them. It is because of that that we are concerned - you are doing too much, and that level is just is not sustainable (...). If you are unable to have this input, then what? That is why we are concerned about the imminent move to France - this is going to be the most stressful undertaking you have ever embarked upon, and it would be immensely difficult (...) even if both you and [me, the OP] were running all cylinders, which it appears to us is not the case.'

So there, I am not running on all cylinders. That's what they call stay-at-home mums these days?

[the op] does not appreciate that just as she has family in France you have family here, and that in fact your children see just as much of the French side of the family as they do of this side. I have to say this, and I hope you'll forgive me for it, but if your children recognise us as part of the family it is because of the efforts that we have made. That's not a criticism of you, as your holiday time is limited and [the op] always directs that time towards France. We have never raised that as an issue, because we know you're working flat out on things already.

We are not trying to pressurise you, especially at this time in your life, which we know is extremely stressful for you personally. We love you absolutely and wholly, and admire the way in which you have, and are, keeping your family together and providing for them. It is because of that that both we and [MIL]and [DH's step-dad] are concerned - you are doing too much, and that level is just is not sustainable if you are to keep your mental and physical well-being. If you are unable to have this input, then what? That is why we are concerned about the imminent move to France - this is going to be the most stressful undertaking you have ever embarked upon, and it would be immensely difficult and an immense strain even if both you and [the op] were running all cylinders, which it appears to us is not the case:
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PART TWO CONT

I appreciate Dad that you want to see (names of grandchildren here) as often as (names of other sets of grandparents) but travelling to Scotland is not always practical and due to the constraints of work and routines nor should family visits become duty or obligations. Both (OP) and I appreciate the effort you have made keeping in touch but we do not feel guilty about spending our precious holiday time in a sunnier climate.

Thank you for caring about me. I am happy to provide for my family. Whilst work can be stressful at times (OP) is a rock and I love and admire her absolutely for what she does for me and our boys.
So your concern is lovely but unfounded. We are coping as well as any couple with two young boys do and I believe the move to France will be a great thing for me personally and that the boys will thrive. We shall see.

If we do need any help we will of course ask you and (OP mum).
Love you too Dad
(OP) and the boys say Hi.
Perhaps we can get together at (such and such a date) when the weather is more optimal. Look forward to it.

Love
(DH)

OP

As you can see I am on your side.
Your FIL sounds like he is a control freak and/or sock puppetting for your MIL too.
Yes grandparents have rights but his sense of entitlement is astounding.
As is all the bullshit language -

I could have added

to all, and to MarkGruffalo in particular for this in-depth draft and analysis.
And yes we do think that MIL is pulling some strings in the background somehow. Although how she can still have this level of influence on her ex-husband going back 30 years, that's beyond me.
Here is my update, not all rosy:

1. wear a pointy black hat: hard to hang on to in this wind. The kids think it's funny. DS2 puts balls and Maca Paca in it.
2. get the evil daughter-in-law t-shirt: well, I googled it and couldn't find one, only world's best daughter-in-law. That's weird, I am sure there's a market for it.
3. protect my relationship with DH: so far, so good -ish. DH said we weren't going to see FIL nor MIL as a family until they had apologised. But... he is also have tea with his step-dad (MIL's husband) tomorrow...
4. write a letter to FIL, vomit on it then burn it: drafted an email, need to print it and I think I will just shred it. The fire alarm is very sensitive.
5. ignore MIL and FIL, let their comments wash over me: this has actually been much easier to do than I thought :), once DH reassured me that they were wrong. The balloon is deflated.
6. suggest to DH to respond as holyfishnets suggested: I did, but DH is reluctant to respond to FIL's email. He awaits an apologetic phonecall (I know , ever the optimist.) I said: need to strike the iron whilst it's hot, but DH does not like to tackle things head on. I discussed this with SIL a little and she thinks it comes from being from a broken family, DH and SIL feel stuck between a rock and a hard place, want to keep everyone happy, would prefer not to take side.
7. maintain some kind of relationship between our children and their British grandparents, revise contact plan: not done.

So, a bit better, but not resolved.
In my family, we grab the bull by the horn, but in DH's it seems to be all hyprocrisy and pussy-footing around the bush (apart from FIL's outburst). Drives me crazy.

Latest for the MIL board: apparently, I accused her of trying to steal DS1's inheritance. (I DID NOT!)

Hi Matou

You're welcome. Let's face it - your DH is not going to get an apologetic phonecall - I don't regret telling her that as it's what I think
His Dad doesn't think he has done anything wrong.

So either you both just ignore them all - which may lead to a rift before you even get to France - or maybe your SIL can mediate/organise a third separate family do when you get back from holiday. Maybe his Stepdad is trying to be Peacemaker tomorrow?

As to the MIL comment as with the rest of it let it wash over you.
Where's the witchy halloween emoticons when you need 'em?!

Chin up, take care and don't let the bastards grind you down.

Parents can be a right pain - whether your own or in laws.

You have your own life and family too, which they sometimes forget. I would turn the other cheek as TBH wouldn't care what they think. Think about the more positive stuff, move and life you want and focus on it.

It's nice to have a grandparent relationship for the LO, so say they can visit you in the LO's holidays - probably not more cost than them visiting you in the uk. They should be willing to do the travelling anyway as you have a LO. My parents could never be bothered - so win, win for me. I offered contact (we live in same country) - but they never found the right time to do it. Sad, but true. They speak to my son on Skype - again at my suggestion - maybe this could work for you too.

Life is too short to dwell on those who make you miserable without any cause.

Good luck with your life in France!