to want to vomit on my father in law?

[Matou]

Sorry, this is a long post, but I want to explain the situation as honestly as I can.
On Sunday, we celebrated DS2's first birthday at our house with DH's family: his mum and step-dad, sister, and his dad and step-mum. (His parents got divorced when he was 6.) My family live in France.
It took me a great deal of efforts to organise this. I have found it difficult getting on with my in-laws since DH and I got engaged. (DH's dad originally said he wasn't going to come to the wedding, but he changed his mind.)
But now that we have children, my in-laws have gone in complete overdrive, especially since we are planning a move to France.
Up until now, I was getting on OK with DH's dad (I even organised a steam engine train ride with him), but not anymore.
I booked a holiday in France, which means we can't attend my sister-in-law's birthday on the day. She is not fussed about it, but my FIL emailed me to make a big issue out of it because she's had breast cancer and he thinks it's important DH and the kids are there to celebrate her birthday.
He asked me to cancel the holiday, adding: 'If your presence is required in France, then we will come and look after the children for as long as required'.
I read this as 'we don't give a toss if you are there or not, you have produced some grandchildren, your job is done, just get out of the way'.
BTW, I am still breastfeeding.
I replied I would not cancel the holiday.
Then my FIL emailed DH, a "clear the air" message, as he puts it. I call it adding insult to injury.
The context is that I am not returning to work after my maternity leave. I took voluntary severance because basically the childcare costs would be more than what I earned.
FIL writes to DH: 'We admire the way in which you have, and are, keeping your family together and providing for them. It is because of that that we are concerned - you are doing too much, and that level is just is not sustainable (...). If you are unable to have this input, then what? That is why we are concerned about the imminent move to France - this is going to be the most stressful undertaking you have ever embarked upon, and it would be immensely difficult (...) even if both you and [me, the OP] were running all cylinders, which it appears to us is not the case.'

So there, I am not running on all cylinders. That's what they call stay-at-home mums these days?

Hmm.

Right, the wedding.
I wanted a small wedding. My MIL anted a big wedding. So we compromised: small wedding ceremony with close family only (grand-parents, parents, siblings and nephews/nieces) and then big wedding reception. We invited FIL and step-mum to ceremony and reception, but step-mum's grown-up children to reception only. (I hadn't even met them.) We don't know exactly that this was the problem but it seemed that this angered step-mum who tried to put her foot down, on the pretext that they were all coming in the same car. I think DH's grandmother must have intervened at this stage, because then eventually FIL and step-mum did attend the ceremony.
Note, we got married in England. My sisters travelled all the way from France with 4 kids each.

Blimey. He sounds v Involved and v Needy. I say vomit.

I'd think I'd blow a gasket, Darrell Rivers stylee. Your FIL sounds like a histrionic, whiny little beep. "Not running on all cylinders"? Whaaaaaaaaat? Leave him the baby, your older DCs and a freezer full of breast milk and see how he gets on .

It is very possible that FIL and MIL both think that I am the driving force (the evil driving force) and that DH has to comply with what I decide.
My objective in my relationship with DH is consensus so I hope that DH at least knows that it is not true.

Ah. They don't want you to move and take their grandchildren to France. And you're the big, bad DIL stealing them away to be with your family.

Honestly? I'd just start wearing a pointy black hat and cackling around him. Has your DH ever told him that you make decisions as a family?

I have one like that. We used to get on really well but then DS came along and we made decisions FIL didn't like (naming day not christening, DS's name etc) and I became the bad guy.

I agree that it hurts but I've also realised you must be strong and believe in your relationship and that these things are, frankly, nothing to do with anyone else.

There are boundaries that should be respected. DH now has his 'own' family and he isn't just their son.

Good luck and stay strong. You know your decisions are mutual ones but sometimes you have to just ignore, ignore, ignore.

i think it's ok to miss SIL's birthday and I'm sure you will mark the celebration with her on another day. i really wouldn't worry about that.

are they trying to put a dampner on your move to France? they don't want you to move away and see you as the driving force. the evil one. they can't see how making such a big life change can work as they have never done it. They feel that you are not enabling contact with the grand kids.

your dh should respond. he should thank them for their concern but point out that they seem to be painting you as the baddy. he should explain that this isn't acceptable and they are going to cause a rift in the relationship if they continue.

your DH could also explain that he is really looking forward to the france move and that OP had previously discussed ideas on keeping up the british family contact but of course that will be unlikely if OP continues to face such negativity as she won't feel welcome.

Unbelievably interfering

And he sounds very immature and histrionic. Fuck sake has he never heard of the tunnel?

YANBU

Well, unless your fil is a complete 'mare, you probably should try and ensure that the grandchildren/children have some kind of relationship with him, and that will involve you visiting them and them visiting you. so you probably should change your holidays so that you visit them a bit. If you're going to do that, it won't hurt to respond with some kind of assurance in that direction.

but I think your instincts are probably correct. Men can be very CBA about their filial duties, which leaves it (quite often) down to their partner to send cards/organise visits.

It also means that partner is a convenient target for all feelings of hurt and frustration: the evil daughter-in-law. I have the T-shirt on that one. It's very, very frustrating.

I'd leave it to your husband to sort out, frankly. And I'd just let it wash over me. It really doesn't matter and is one of those situations where least said, soonest mended.

Write a letter saying that you were surprised at their letter. You are sure they didn't mean to be so rude, stupid, and bitter. Are they really so naive as to think that you have stepped out of some horrible fairy-tale? Point out that France is a nice country to visit. And that they might be doing a little more to entice you to visit them, rather than making it clear that they actively dislike you - never conducive to a happy relationship with the mother of the grandchildren. Remind them that you are a person in your own right - with much to offer, other than your fertility - it is insulting of them to try and obliterate your self-hood. Write and write and write.

And then burn it.

And make darned sure that you indoctrinate your ds (if you have one) that he has to continue to love and cherish you - in the appropriate degree; no more, no less - while you live.

And if your sister in law really is OK with you missing her birthday, you shouldn't change your current hiliday. I would check that it really is OK with her, and she's not hiding some serious (bad) news from you and your dh.

(Though, actually, it probably should be your dh that checks that.)

Blimey I couldn't bear my in laws to be so involved in our lives and I wouldn't dream of being so interfering with my children when they are adults. Suffocating.

Just as an aside, don't you think that "... to clear the air ..." joins "That's brave!" in the drawer labelled "Most ominous words to be uttered in ordinary conversation"?

Crikey your FIL doesn't seem to understand the meaning of boundaries does he?

However you do mention that you haven't been to visit him since your wedding - how long ago was that?

I completely understand how you are feeling, but someone has to be grown up about this. Let your DH respond not yourself and whilst its perfectly reasonable to question the downright weird i.e. the cylinders comment try not to burn any bridges. This is DH's parent and your DC's grandparent so it would be nice if they could have some sort of relationship ( unless the FIL is totally toxic)

You said you have never really liked FIL - why is this?

I really don't get why adults are expected to organise their lives around other adult's birthday parties. It makes sense to organise your family holiday around time off work or school holidays or cost (or whatever other criteria makes sense for you). Unless your SIL was terminally ill and this was to be her last birthday, then I don't see why you need to be there at the expense of what you want to do.

What FIL wants, is not more important than what you want, especially as SIL herself is fine with this.

If you married in the UK and lived here for 12 years, then it seems to me that you have been on hand to see the ILs for a long time. Only fair to spend time in the same country as your own family,now.

Thank you all for your supportive input and calm advice.
It has helped me to see the funny side a bit, especially the tantrum aspect of it.

And, gatheringlilacs, you are completely right about filial duties. This is exactly what's happened here. And it's a vicious circle because the more aggressive they are towards me, the more they alienate DH. But they don't get it, because he just gives them the silent treatment.

Based on that, here is my action plan:

1. wear a pointy black hat
2. get the evil daughter-in-law t-shirt
3. protect my relationship with DH
4. write a letter to FIL, vomit on it then burn it
5. ignore MIL and FIL, let their comments wash over me (very difficult!)
6. suggest to DH to respond as holyfishnets suggested
7. maintain some kind of relationship between our children and their British grandparents, revise contact plan

It feels good to be able to do something about it!

Matou,

whats your husbands relationship like with his father and is there a chance they are all worried - it sounds like MIL has spoken about this to FIL with spouses etc..does fil see them as much as mil...

Sounds to me like he is worrying about making sure he gets as much time with the grandkids as your family do....family politics and grandparent competition...don't you just love it?! I sympathise, i have been there x x

gatheringlilacs

very good point about blame put on partner for man not being pro active in relations and a man they reared no less!

FIL seems conveniently to have for gotten the wedding debacle as a reason why he might not be flavour of the month. He is also not thinking what the impact of his histrionic missives will be on DH. FIL thinks they are reasonable, because he resents you. DH clearly thinks they are horrible, because he loves you. And FIL strikes me as someone who wants control but not, perhaps, much responsibility or bother.

Ignore him. Seriously let it wash over you, and let your DH deal with it.

I agree he is painting you as the evil DIL - it's less painful to blame you for any shortcomings in his relationship with his son than to own up to having played a part in them. It's probably also less painful to believe that his son is being reluctantly dragged to France by his bossy wife than to believe that he is moving away from his family of his own volition. I agree entirely with holyfishnets that your DH needs to make it very clear in his response that he has played an equal part in all the decision making HE wants to go to France, HE felt it was fine to miss his sister's birthday celebrations, HE is happy to work while you stay at home right now.

Ach have a good boak on him nut it would only give him more reason to feel justified that you are the pointy hatted one

There is clearly a reason your MIL is no longer married to him

It does sound a bit me me me.
Look! LOOK! I'm upset you are not attending SIL party,( when SIL seems OK with it )
Look! LOOK! I'm upset about the way your family works...

I did tell [me, the OP] that I thought she should have made sure that at least you and the boys were here for [SIL] birthday celebration, seeing that it was pre-arranged and bearing in mind [sil]'s special circumstances and that this is likely to be their last year here in the UK, and I don't regret telling her that because that's what I think. I could have added that her mother has only just been over here. I'm not making an issue out of it, though. I highlight "you and the boys" because [sil] said you thought we had suggested that at least (just) the boys be left behind, and that was never our suggestion, and our offer to come and look after the boys was made in that light (look after them while you were at work) and nothing more.

------------------
Dear Dad

Thank you for clearing the air. Seeing as I spoke with (Sis) and she is fine regarding the arrangements we have made then I do not and cannot agree with you that the whole family is needed to be together on the actual day, particularly seeing as we have already planned to celebrate with her on our return.
You are entitled to your opinion but we are going to have to agree to disagree on this occasion. As for (OP mum) having just been over, that is not relevant to us wanting to have our annual family holiday in France.
Thank you for the offer to babysit - that is kind and appreciated. However (ds2) is still breastfed on demand and in a nice routine with his mum and as I have just indicated we are ALL looking forward to getting away as a family.
(Sis) understands this.

PART TWO TO FOLLOW