To wonder why some people get away with behaving as they like?

[flashmollyflash]

The type of people I am referring to are:

People who say 'I'm just honest' and use it as an excuse to be rude and say inappropriate things.

People who think they are very important, too important to bother with others or make any effort yet the whole world flocks around them when they have a(nother) mini crisis and document it on FB. They are usually attention seeking and post things like '10 days til my birthday' and 'oh my husband is so wonderful look what he's bought me', together with posting pics every 5 minutes whilst on family holidays.

People who take advantage of others' and are always asking for favours or expecting people to do things for them. And people do!

People that go up like a can of pop and start ranting and raving at others if something doesn't suit them.

All people like that have been dropped from my life as I can't stand those behaviours but what I wonder too is why people enable that sort of behaviour from others?

MrsDevere, I agree. If someone asked me if they looked fat in a dress I would find tactful ways of telling them, I certainly wouldn't pride myself on being honest enough to say yes you look fat. Very, very few people actually like that type of brutal honesty from others. Even if I ask for honesty from a good friend, I still like them to be as kind and as gentle with that honesty as possible. If someone told me I looked fat it would absolutely crush me I have to say.

I get what you are saying OP as I have some family members like this. It's hard not to get a little fed up when they say what they like under the guise of "speaking their mind" when in actual fact they are being hurtful and offensive. Oh, and people are always defending them.

"Why are you annoyed? It's just Janet, She's like that with everyone"

I always find people like this tend to be quite unhappy with their lives

Babooshka that sounds EXACTLY like my FIL. Nasty comments under the guise of being honest and speaking his mind and everyone just saying it's just how he is and not to take offence. I take pride in pulling him up on every single offensive or disrespectful thing he says to the DCs and I, and it has taken 10 years but he is finally getting the message that I will not tolerate being spoken to like poo and that if he wants a pleasant conversation with me then he'd better damn well be pleasant!

HEX, if you were the OP tho, you'd have dropped your FIL from your life.

OP is not prepared to accept that these people who have the characteristics she doesn't like might have other redeeming qualities.

I won't apologise for being honest, it's what makes me me and if I was that repulsive with it I would have been told, not be asked for advice or would have no friends left. I keep being asked for my opinion so my friends must still want it. I don't understand why someone would ask for an honest opinion and then not actually want it or want it sugar coated.

For the OP posting happy things on FB is a crime for which her friends must be dropped. It makes her sound jealous.
The fact others ask for favours and get them again make her sound jealous so. She has a small group of carefully selected friends, that sounds very controlling and rather sad.
All those things and more put together do not make her sound all that pleasant at all.

Oh believe me I have come close to dropping him from my life and no, he doesn't have any redeeming characteristics at all apart from being a blood relative of my husband and children, and it may be the case at some point in the future that I do drop him from my life. I think it's everyone's perogative to decide who they do and don't want in their lives.

As I said, I don't believe there is anything to be proud of about being brutally honest with people, and very few people do like that kind of brutal honesty. I know someone who prides herself in being honest, rather like you seem to, and she has no friends at all, she is very disliked by people. Perhaps you have some super-redeeming quality that makes you irresistible to people but generally in my opinion brutal honesty isn't a pleasant trait.

And as for the small group of friends thing, well I have a small group of friends. I am not a tolerant person and have little time in my life for people that I dislike or that annoy me. I'm not going to apologise for that and neither should the OP. You may be happy having a huge group of friends but not everyone feels the same way and it does not make a person horrible for not having or wanting a huge group of friend. Of course, I have lots of acquaintances and I'm not rude to people generally but for you to say that someone not wanting a lot of friends makes them not a pleasant person is quite rude. IMO.

Not wanting a lot of friends does not make someone unpleasant, I didn't say it did.

Everyone is different.

What some find abhorrent behaviour in some to the point they are dropped as friends others will outweigh with the good qualities.

A trait I find completely abhorrent is Lying, especially to someone's face and I prefer the route of honesty.

What is a tactful response to 'Do i Look fat in this?' Surely a simple, yes, it does nothing for you. Let's look at a bigger size, different style/material/ colour and see how that looks is a better and more honest answer?

I don't however randomly go up to people and start telling them this in shops, I get asked

There is nothing wrong with telling a friends that something doesn't look nice on them, In fact I think that would be rather mean not too. I do however feel that using a little tact and kindness in those situations is necessary.

I hate the term "Brutal honesty" I'm not a "Brutal" type of person and find those who are tend to walk all over people who are not.

I'm not sure why anyone needs to be brutal in order to be honest. I'd always offer an honest opinion, if asked, but it wouldn't come with the need to make a friend feel absolutely crap about, say, a dress not being flattering. I'm inclined to think the advocates of brutality are a deal less secure about themselves than their comments might suggest.

My god, the girl I work with is just like that. In fact it could be a description of her!

Well I think a 'yes, it does nothing for you' isn't a particularly tactful response, fruitysummer. Not being brutally honest isn't lying, as I said there are more tactful ways of being honest, so you are still telling the truth but not hurting a friend's feelings. I take it you are perfectly happy for friends to tell you that you look fat etc, in return?

I agree with Pandemoniaa. I would hate to make a friend feel crap. Often if someone asks 'do I look fat in this?' their confidence is low anyway and they aren't feeling brilliant about themselves. I would say something like 'no you don't look fat, but this cut does nothing for your bodyshape, lets find something that suit you more than this silly dress'. Still honest, no lies, but a gentle reply. Lets face it, what woman wants to hear 'yes you do look fat'?

I run a care agency and amongst my staff, I occasionally see woman who fit the OP's description. Somehow, they manage to use their bullying ways to get exactly what they want at the expense of everyone else, because it is too scary or too much trouble to confront them.

There was one in particular, recently, let's call her Tracey, because that was her name who, to be honest, I couldn't manage properly because I just let the situation get too far along. She was fine with the clients, just a nightmare with the admin staff and management. The crunch came one day when I found her working privately for one of my clients, after telling me she was off sick. She shouted and blustered and tried to deny it but I quietly stood my ground until she resigned (before she was sacked!) It was incredibly satisfying and it taught me a lesson about standing up to bullying behaviour early on, otherwise people must feel they are ok to behave the way they do, because no one objects. This is also the same woman who isn't allowed in the playground at her son's school because of her behaviour. I wonder when it will finally dawn on her that she could find a better way of doing things?

What comes around, goes around, I think. I try to treat people the way I would like to be treated and I certainly wouldn't tell a friend she looked fat in a dress, although might suggest a more flattering cut. I finally understood what Trinny and Susannah were getting at!

flashmolly,me thinks youve hit a nerve with some mn.I agree with you and started cutting people like this out of my life a long time ago, deactivated my facebook for the same reason.sharing my happiness is just a nicer way of saying look at me i like to boast

I spent years trying to placate horrible people, wondering why they didnt like me, fretting about conversations that seemed to end badly, being upset about snidey remarks.

At [almost] 45 I am finally free from caring. It has taken a hell of a lot to get me to this point. The main event being the loss of my DD. Taking on the care of my DGN (now my son) also taught me a lot. It taught me that some people are unplacatable. If you sort something out that 'upsets' them, they will move on to something else. Because they are not upset, they crave the power their behaviour causes.

I approach people with the belief they will be nice. If they prove me wrong I walk away very quickly with no drama and no regrets.

People who are brutally honest do not do it for the good of anyone but themselves. Saying 'you look fat in that dress' does NOT achieve anything more than saying 'that dress isnt really making the most of your figure'
Besides, its all bloody subjective. YOU may think they look fat, someone else may not.

If I asked my friends if I looked fat and they said yes, wouldn't bother me at all.

I am fat you see, but because I already know that I don't ask the question

And yes, starpine consistent sharing of happiness might be seen as boasting but the odd post every now and then, is that boasting?

here's an example, Everyone I'm really happy to be able to show you my scan picture becuase i'm so happy to be finally having a baby after struggling to conceive

What is that, boasting or sharing happiness??

I dont understand the fury at the being happy on facebook though.
I think its nice when people use fb for positive things.
So I agree with you there fruity

power-yes mrsdevere that is how it feels, somehow I feel that the people you describe in the OP have more power over others.

oh, and I do think that being brutally honest for no reason except to be cruel is out of order and nasty.

I'm not nasty not that I'm painting a good picture of myself here I understand but if i'm asked a direct question by a close friend who wants the honest truth then I tell them. They ask me because they want to hear it, and/or need it for the kick up the backside they need to motivate themself. They know that I give direct answers and that's why they ask.

I also agree with you about happy comments, fruity. Positive things are, at least bringing joy to people. Unlike the behaviour of the controlling, and allegedly "honest" people whose aim is actually to bully their way through life.

I know someone whose Facebook page includes many status updates about her wedding. Several appear daily including a countdown. There are hundreds of days to go so it does get a bit full-on. But she's a nice girl and it'd be churlish to deny her the happiness even though I worry about the event itself living up to her expectations. For all that, she's not doing anyone any harm.

Pande A girl I work with is like that on FB, it's next week though not days away and it has been a little wearing. A few people have been a bit harsh but she had a shit time with her ex and deserves to be happy and to be able to shout about it from the roof tops. She's not boasted, she's just super giddy about it bless her

To wonder why some people get away with behaving as they like?

Because they can, as:

• Some people are too scared to call them on it
• Some people can't be arsed
• Some people love those sort of people and flock to them
• Some people can't see the problem
• Some people will be wringing their lentil weavery hands about being upset vs freedom of expression etc.

I have a friend who would piss me off no end if I didnt know her.
Her FB statuses come across and horribly smug and boastful.
But they really are not. She is one of those people who is genuinely happy with things and if she says 'spending brilliant family time with my amazing DD at the fair' she properly means it.
No way is she posting that to project some sort of perfect picture.

She also posts stuff like 'very excited about DS seeing all his brilliant birthday presents tommorow!'. Again - no stealth boasting. She can hardly sleep because she cant wait to see his face.

Everlong, sorry for your loss, you too MrsD

The last part of your post has made me wonder about my own mum. She is not afraid of anyone or anything, even now when she's into her 70's, and she says she's always been like that. However she too lost a child, before me, and I wonder if that was a contributing factor?

She's been told she's a very forthright person and honest to boot - must be where I get it from