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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask my son to learn a musical instrument (he's 9)

73 replies

janelikesjam · 21/06/2012 11:00

I have suggested this to my son, and am finally thinking of making it into a reality.

However, he is "less than enthusiastic". Is this normal? I don't want to force him, but OTOH I think its a "good thing" for a child to do if they have the opportunity, an opportunity which I never had by the way ...

If we do go into it, it is something that will cost a bit, instrument, tuition, etc, so I would like to be able for him to commit to it for a while at least.

Any thoughts? AIBU? Ta very much.

OP posts:
SPsFanjoHarboursDeadCats · 21/06/2012 11:04

My mum told me in high school I had to learn an instrument.

I chose steel pans. Let's just say she didn't tell my brother he had to learn one after that Grin

valiumredhead · 21/06/2012 11:05

Don't bother if he isn't keen - it takes a lot of practise to learn an instrument and being forced to do so must be hell as it's hard to do it as an adult and enjoying it.

Bucharest · 21/06/2012 11:06

At 9 he's old enough to decide for himself.

Any extra-curricular hobby not involving a console is a Good Thing. But only ever if the child wants to.

manicbmc · 21/06/2012 11:07

If he has no musical inclination, I'd not bother.

I would have loved piano lessons but we couldn't afford them so I taught myself. My daughter showed a fleeting interest in the cello but it didn't last long.

valiumredhead · 21/06/2012 11:09

My last post makes no sense at all, the pedants must twitching like mad Grin

You get the gist of it though.

valiumredhead · 21/06/2012 11:10

manic I am in awe of anyone who can teach themselves - how? Confused

It's like learning another language for me! I do love it though.

Petsinmypudenda · 21/06/2012 11:11

At nine he is old enough to know what he would or wouldn't like to do.

Why not ask him to pick a hobbie or club he would enjoy and let him do that

TheFallenMadonna · 21/06/2012 11:14

You need to find an "in" and pounce on it I think. So DS had some musicians come into school and happened to mention that the clarinet was his favourite. So he has clarinet lessons. And piano lessons, which sort of followed on. He's not very musical, and he doesn't practise as much as he should, but it's part of our routine now.

HeathRobinson · 21/06/2012 11:14

YABU.
To get anywhere he'd need to be committed.
To be committed he'd be interested.
To be interested = him asking you if he could do it.

Ask him what interests him and what he'd like to do instead.

manicbmc · 21/06/2012 11:14

My dad bought a 'how to...' book when I was 11. He was intending to teach himself to read music as he played by ear but lost heart when he found it more satisfying to just sit and play. So I borrowed the book. We inherited a piano from a great aunt.

I'm not very good and my technique is shocking but I can bash out a bit of Chopin and that does for me.

squeakytoy · 21/06/2012 11:16

Great if it is something he wants to do, not so great if it isnt.

Forcing a child to do something that they do not enjoy, and do not really need to do, is no fun for anyone.

Beanbagz · 21/06/2012 11:16

I think wanting to learn an instrument very much depends on the child and if you're having persuading to learn one, just think what it's going to be like getting him to practise!

My DD was very keen at 7. She started with the guitar in Y3 and at 10 asked for piano lessons so the commitment is obviously there. Whilst sometimes i promp her to practise, i never have to nag her.

DS on the other hand is less enthusastic about starting to learn an instrument when he starts Y3 this September so we have decided to delay lessons by a least a year. He'll be learning the recorder in school anyway.

Does your son have lots of other activities? Does he show promise in music? Ask him what instrument he'd like to play. But ultimately the choice must be his - much as you'd like him to learn an instrument.

TheFallenMadonna · 21/06/2012 11:16

I don't think my DS is going to get anywhere with his music, any more than he will in cricket, but I don't see that as a reason not to do it.

ReallyTired · 21/06/2012 11:16

I think that forcing a nine year old to learn a musical instrument is a recipe for disaster.

My son badgered us for two years to learn guitar. He is pretty good about practice, but there are days when he doesn't feel like it.

Does he have any other outside interests?

HeathRobinson · 21/06/2012 11:17

Oh, and ime, it's horrible when you have an interest that your parents won't finance and you're forced to do piano lessons when you don't want to.

Bitter, moi?

Pascha · 21/06/2012 11:17

I was made to learn piano for 4 years from age 6 to 10 because both my brother and sister did it and liked it.

I hated it so much I never even made it to grade 1 standard. I was still doing separate hands only at the end. I was even made to give up Brownies because it clashed with the piano lesson.

If he doesn't want to, don't make him. Look for something he naturally has an inclination for and encourage that instead.

AMumInScotland · 21/06/2012 11:19

An "opportunity" only feels like one if you actually have an interest in it. Otherwise it feels like being forced/coerced to do something against your will.

If you want him to do "something" then let him choose what it should be. Then pick an instrument and get lessons yourself, if you feel it's something you "missed out on" when you were younger.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 21/06/2012 11:20

YABU - there has to be some interest involved in learning to read music/play an instrument. I was very musical as a kid and played piano, clarinet and trumpet - my parents must have been very tolerant, lol.

My DS shows no inclination at all. Mind you, music lessons now are really expensive too!

valiumredhead · 21/06/2012 11:22

Fallen that's how ds started, someone came to the school and gave a free trial lesson. I never have to nag him to practise, he just does because he loves it.

larks35 · 21/06/2012 11:22

If you are willing to encourage him (and it will take a lot of continuous encouragement) to learn an instrument then it is well worth it. I was forced encouraged to learn the violin from about 6 years old. I didn't enjoy it or show any inclination toward being a virtuoso but daily practise was the norm in our house. When I got to secondary school I found a french horn in one of the music rooms and took that up. With the early exposure to music, I learned to play the french horn very quickly and took Grade 8 by the time I left school. In this time I became a member of several youth orchestras and toured parts of Europe with them on 4 occasions. Being in an orchestra is a great experience and one I would recommend to all.

None of this would have happened if my parents hadn't forced me to learn an instrument initially. It is hard work and the rewards come very slowly, so it isn't always a popular choice for children to make themselves.

Have you thought about learning an instrument yourself at the same time as your DS to help encourage him and also get something out of it yourself?

bigbluebus · 21/06/2012 11:23

I agree with others - pointless making him learn an instrument if he doesn't want to. He will not practice and you will just be wasting your money.

When DS started playing the trumpet ( his decision to do it after 2 years of me asking him if he wanted to & him saying no), we hired a second hand instrument for 3 months from the local music shop. If DS had decided he no longer wanted to do it - then we just returned the instrument to the shop. As DS decided to continue, we bought the instrument and the rent we had already paid was deducted from the purchase price.

So unless you think he is musical then don't waste your money. Should you decide to go ahead and insist he tries, then limit your outlay as above - don't get into an HP agreement for a new instrument as I know many people have - olny for the instrument to end up in the back of a cupboard.

CrunchyFrog · 21/06/2012 11:26

No, don't make him, but make sure the option stays open, he might want to in a few years.

I'm a musician and teacher, there is NOTHING worse than teaching someone who doesn't want to be there.

Mollydoggerson · 21/06/2012 11:28

Perhaps take lessons yourself, and then if he is interested you can share your knowledge/passion with him.

fuzzpig · 21/06/2012 11:49

It's a shame as learning an instrument is amazing in so many ways, but I agree with the majority here, he's got to be interested or what's the point? Keep the option open though as one day he might want to.

Do you play an instrument or have a lot of music in the house? You know they say that an important way of making your DCs into enthusiastic readers is to let them see you read in everyday life. Obviously it's not quite the same with expensive instruments etc but may be a similar thing IYSWIM. You could always go to concerts/gigs etc as maybe that would spark an interest but don't count on it, some people just aren't into music (just as some will never be into sport, art etc)

Do you have other DCs? You could consider getting a keyboard or even a piano, as IMO it's good to even be able to mess around on them and the results are more immediate (as in press one key = get one note rather than complicated fingering/string combinations on violin etc). It could be like a family present and maybe you could learn yourself, but you'd have to be prepared to lay off any pressure on him to actually take it up and not be disappointed if he didn't take to it.

ImHurting · 21/06/2012 11:50

If it is something you are going to have to 'make' him do and he actually does not want to then YABU.

Does he have any other extra-curricluar interests that he wold like to pursue? If so why not put your time, energy and money into that for him.

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