to ask my son to learn a musical instrument (he's 9)

[janelikesjam]

I have suggested this to my son, and am finally thinking of making it into a reality.

However, he is "less than enthusiastic". Is this normal? I don't want to force him, but OTOH I think its a "good thing" for a child to do if they have the opportunity, an opportunity which I never had by the way ...

If we do go into it, it is something that will cost a bit, instrument, tuition, etc, so I would like to be able for him to commit to it for a while at least.

Any thoughts? AIBU? Ta very much.

My 9 year old is learning the piano. Apparently he's 'gifted' in the sense that he's got an instinctive feel for rhythm and a very good ear, but sadly this 'gift' doesn't seem to have inspired him to practice without regular nagging from me.

His teacher entered him for a competition after he'd been playing for about 10 months. He had to be shoe-horned out of the car screaming and shouting that he didn't want to take part when we arrived, and bribed with a £30 wii game to go up and play his piece. He came first in his category (which had 26 children in it) , and was delighted for as long as it took him to finish gloating about his wii game, then he went back to being a lazy little shyster.

And the lessons cost £35 an hour.

And the teacher is a horrible bully who has made both me and ds cry in the past.

So no - if he's not got aptitude and doesn't want to do it then I'd say don't bloody bother. Because even if he has got aptitude like my ds, it's still a horrible chore if they're not keen.

I'm not surprised he hates lessons if the teacher is a bully and made you both cry! Why don't you find a new teacher?

Why would you want to push him into doing something he's less than enthusiastic about?

Why not have a go at learning to play an instrument yourself? You say you never had the opportunity - well assuming you now could afford it for your son, you can therefore also afford it for yourself.

Some excellent advice from my DBiL was to have musical indtruments in the home. He backed this up by buying DD2 a half size electric guitar. We then added instruments as DC's interests changed. We now have a keyboard, accoustic, electric and electro accoustic guitars, bass guitar, violin and a ukelele.

The DDs got to a music school on a Saturday. DS isnt interested in learning formally but will sneek off and learn tunes from YouTube.

There are many ways to create the opportunity to learn musical instruments, it doesnt have to be scratching out a tune on a violin.

Go with their interests, not mummee-fashions.

Agree with Gnome

I agree Whatme. I have been very surprised at the different instruments my DCs enjoy playing. Both DDs have turned out to be singers with DD1 singing in a band.

Given their genetic inheritance it is very surprising that they arent completely tone deaf!

I would love to have a houseful of instruments :(

Had to sell my guitars, I was crap at them (the bass was too big for me anyway, a well meaning but illfitted present from DH) and our house is too tiny.

Got my piano moved up at last a year ago and that's been great. I used to teach in my teens and have had to resist pushing my DD into it too early (she's been picking out tunes but isn't ready to really learn IYSWIM). Just very sad I barely have time to play it myself :(

It was DBiL who got us started Flump. DD1 now plays guitar, sings, teaches uke and helps in an early years violin group. As she says, in theory she can play the violin but only if it is half size and played with open strings!

janelikesjam have a look and see what your local authority music service offers. We were very surprised by the range that was available in our area: orchestras, choirs, individual lessons, rock school, drama. The cost is fairly low and there is a tie-up with the individual lessons in the school.

I agree that you cannot force it and that learning yourself would be a good idea - if you're not spending the money on him then you can have lessons, I know several people you have learnt piano as adults.

I have found that my being able to read music and understand the difficulties etc has helped me to help dd with her music lessons and practise. At 9 your DS is probably too young for some instruments such as saxophone where you need large enough hands to stretch over the keys and second front teeth need to be through to learn any wind instrument, I was told.

I had a collection of musical instruments in the loft (guitars of various types) from my younger days . I got them out again one day and decided they looked nice displayed downstairs instead of being locked away.

I think if I had encouraged DS to learn to play them, he would have run in the opposite direction - such as pre-teen boys do generally. But I said nothing and gradually found each guitar being stowed away in his bedroom. He plays brilliantly now and has never had (or wanted) a lesson in his life.

That sounds familiar, flump! DD1 runs a home for abandoned guitars!

I'm going against the grain here and say that it's not an unreasonable thing to do. A musical education is a wonderful thing for so many reasons - the skill and knowledge, the discipline, the sense of achievement, the social opportunities to join orchestras and bands etc.

Two things I'd advise:

1. Be sure of YOUR commitment. It's unreasonable to expect a 9 year old child to be enthusiastic about practise. So for a while, until you reach a point where he can practise on his own, you must sit in on every practice session, encouraging. This should be at least 5 times/week but can be very short, say 2o minutes.

2. Let your son choose the instrument. Children naturally gravitate towards certain instruments based on physical aptitude, personality and taste. This may take some time, but it'll be worth it. Let your son not only hear the instrument, but handle it and try it out. A book that might be helpful is "The Right Instrument for your Child" by A. Ben-Tovim (available through many libraries)

Good luck!

I really pushed my son to play the piano - it was only just as I was booking lessons for him that I realised that actually it was something I wanted to do, he wasn't interested at all - he found his own instrument later on :)

If he really doesn't want to do it, I don't think you should push him.

I was made to play the violin from the age of 6 to about 12, hated it, wasn't very good at it.

Are there other extracurricular activities he's more enthusiastic about - sport, art, drama? It would be more useful to encourage those.

i don't think you should make your child learn an instrument.

not at all.

what i do think you should do is have the opportunities for him to.

eg: if it's because you want to play, then lern to play yourself.
buy a piano (or keyboard) - piano is easier as it's always there.
have it in your dining room - the reason there and not the living room is that it can't disturb anyone else's pastimes. make sure it doesn't get covered in any junk, so that in order to play, all you need to do is lift the lid.

I never learned to play as a child - always wanted to play piano, guitar, violin, as well as recorder, but wasn't given the chance.
couldn't afford a piano as i had my own house (i once bought one from a charity shop for £60, but it had several hammers missing and i couldn't afford the repair)
i did have a violin by that time. also a guitar, which broke and had to be chucked (a cheap one - the man in the shop said it would cost more to repair than buy a new one). i didn't play the violin often because i couldn't tune it properly (also, dad used to make sarcy comments when i lived at home and i got frustrated with that, and so always felt like i was making a horrid noise when i left home) I have now lost the knack.(and the inclination to start again)
dh has a piano at home. i have taught myself to play.
not very well, yet, but the piano is there all the time. when i have the inclination, i will lift the lid and play. it's that simple.
I like to play if dh is in the kitchen, or when we're eating (dh is a very slow eater, so i have about half an hour after i've finished to play while he's still eating)

the biggest block in my family life was lack of encouragement.
at home now, music is always there and dh ignores my playing, or gives me encouraging words if i ask him whathe thinks.

in summary:
opportunity
availability
encouragement (when already doing it)

There are lots of helpful "learn to play..." videos on YouTube. Personally I had piano lessons as an adult (violin as a child) and got a great deal of joy from it then I had children and no time.

Now I have lots of time and there are great videos that show you how to break a piece down. I can read music but prefer to play by ear as it is quicker for me to learn it that way.

Ds1 is 9 and can play bits on the piano but I'm not pushing him, just want him to tinker along. Ds2 is 6 and we have a small children's guitar and he strums that opened stringed. He wrote his first song at 5 and serenaded us all when he had done it (didn't even know he was doing that, we actually bought the guitar for Ds1)

He picks up the guitar far more than Ds1 ever did. My Dh plays guitar.

There is nothing worse than forcing an uninterested child into playing an instrument if they don't want to. The primary school my children attend allow lots of opportunity to learn instruments, cello, violin, recorder, and later flute, drums, piano.

See if you can borrow an instrument first rather than paying out for it. I have a slim 30cm deep electric piano but it did cost £500 but I do play it almost daily.

Thank you all for your contributions. Especially Bowerbird, I hear what you are saying.

I will put it to my DS properly soon and we can discuss in a reasonable way and see what he says. We may even go to a music shop and have a look around, get totally overexcited (thats me though , see what attracts him, and then play it by ear .

I certainly think he is coming up to an age, say 10, 11, 12 where he can think about it properly, as people have said. If its a definite "no"it may be that he is too young to consider it fully and I will give him an opportunity in a year's time.

I will also raise the question of broadening his interests, i.e. anything else he'd like to try/do. ATM its football and er football and then again football .

Ta again.

It really does sound as though it's you who wants to learn an instrument.
You should go for it yourself.

DD1 begged to learn the cello (very cheap lessons through school with free cello loan). This rapidly degenerated into sullen dislike as she realised she was not going to be immediately brilliant (I had only explained about 300 times that she would have to practise a lot). And the dog would howl when she practised.
Still, I taught myself Old Macdonald.

hahaha peeriebear!

as the mother of 3, do not let any child learn any instrument that is going to cost you anything unless

a) they have begged you to do so for at least a year

b) they can carry it in their school bag

c) you will never nag them to practise

d) if it is an expensive instrument, you can rent it.

peeriebear

you got off lightly- eldest dd had lessons for bloody years- saturday morning music school the lot. we never bought a cello but we spent a staggering £1500 in lessons for her to get to grade 4 and decide that she hated it.

she is now doing a level music- why? because she has a top class singing voice that for years we just put down to showing off

I'm a bit late but I agree with bowerbird and larks35.

I've had to fight to get mine to practise sometimes - I think the child that will willingly play every day is ... I can't think of anything quite rare enough. But the unwillingness comes and goes, and as they improve, it becomes a pleasure. Like reading. Once the basic skill is laid down, it's transferrable (just as "reading" is transferrable to watching television), so while they may dislike one instrument, they'll be able to pick up another, and another.

I just wanted to add my tuppence worth because so many people are saying "Only do it if the child is practically clamouring for the experience" and I'm not sure that's realistic, or fair, actually. Much like reading, being able to play an instrument divulges its pleasures slowly; it's not immediately gratifying - like chocolate - but it is a bringer of happiness ultimately. Children can;t always see that, and in that case it's your job as an oldie to tell them that.

Animula you put it better than I could! Totally right.