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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be angry with sil?

63 replies

Cynner · 20/06/2012 03:28

Had a long chat with my brother's wife two days ago. We really do not have that much in common aside from our children. I adore my twin niece and nephew. I spent a great deal of time telling sil how my son looks up to his cousins. My son has Aspergers and only really feels comfortable around close family and friends.
My sil enthusiastically stated we should send my son out to their house for the summer. ( Ds is 15, twins are 17) I told her I would love to, but our finances are very tight at the moment and a plane ticket and pocket money are beyond our reach. We ended the conversation with her asking me to have a think about it and let her know if things changed.
I spoke to my ex husband later that day and he agreed to pay for half of plane fare. I was so thrilled and could not wait to tell my son.
I called my brother that night to see about arrangements. My brother was happy and asked for him to come as soon as possible. Just as we were speaking about travel dates, I heard my sil whisper something in the background. Suddenly, my brother said he had to ring off, and my sil would contact me about arrangements.
I received a text from her this morning telling me this summer is not good for my son to visit, they are very busy, many plans, etc.
I am so hurt and humiliated,and just feel strangely ashamed. I have not yet decided what to tell my son.

OP posts:
MarjorieAntrobus · 20/06/2012 03:36

YANBU.

SIL has presumably had a rethink and has retracted her invitation. Pretty thoughtless of her to do it after you had told your DS.

Can you talk to your brother to find out what changed her mind? Can it be worked round?

No wonder you feel hurt and humiliated.

Babylon1 · 20/06/2012 03:37

YANBU by the sounds of it she has just changed her mind Sad

Have you already told your DS of the plans?
If not, obviously don't.

If you have then I don't think YWBU to ask SIL to explain the reasons why to him, but tbh I think I'd just ignore her, she sounds a bit toxic IMO Sad

Babylon1 · 20/06/2012 03:39

Oh, and you have nothing to feel ashamed about Smile

Original poster
Cynner · 20/06/2012 03:45

Thank you for not telling me off for being over sensitive. I was thinking about calling my brother to ask him directly about invitation withdrawal, but I just cannot figure how to do this without...crying..and making an awful situation worse.
I wonder if I should tell my son the truth or perhaps a white lie? I know we have done nothing wrong, but stiff feel shameful.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cynner · 20/06/2012 03:45

Oops...should have read ..still feel shameful..

OP posts:
Original poster
Cynner · 20/06/2012 03:51

I told my son as soon as his father said he would help with the plane fare. We both got on Internet right away to see about prices. I was so happy for him as this year has been difficult for him. He was subjected to some bullying at school, and struggled greatly academically. I really hoped time spent with his beloved cousins would be a boost for him...

OP posts:
NunTheWiser · 20/06/2012 04:04

YANBU.
Just tell your DS that your BIL and SIL unfortunately have plans for the time that he was going to go over so you'll have to arrange it for another time.
Don't bother contacting them. Let your silence speak for itself.

Original poster
Cynner · 20/06/2012 04:29

To this point, I merely sent her a text back saying " thank you for letting me know". I believe you are right, I shall not initiate any more contact. I have decided to be honest with my son. I hope the right words will come to me.
I would never have done this to any of my darling nieces/ nephews. We don't have tonnes of money or live in a terribly exciting location, but all of them are welcome at their auntie's anytime.

OP posts:
LurkingAndLearningForNow · 20/06/2012 04:37

Any idea why she changed her mind? Confused Seems so bizzare!

Original poster
Cynner · 20/06/2012 04:58

I wish I knew! She was so encouraging during our first conversation. Perhaps I should have been more guarded. She does have a somewhat spotted reputation in our family. My contact with her has been limited, as I try to speak to my brother when he is off duty.
Once, when my mum was visiting, my sil decided to go the beach for the weekend...my mum said she would be happy to club in for her share in the house. My sil said no! My brother did nothing to prevent her from treating mum so rudely, although he did take mum aside and apologise.
I just never thought she would do such a thing to my children.

OP posts:
LurkingAndLearningForNow · 20/06/2012 05:06

To be perfectly blunt, she sounds like a toxic fucking bitch. It's a shame in a way your niece and nephew get along so well with your DS because she sounds completely loopy. :(

Did she change her mind due to him being an Aspie? Has she ever made comments that have made you uncomfortable?

It comes across to me like she enjoys being the centre of attention. You know, 'oh look how NICE I am helping pay the airfare to see my DN,' but when push comes to shove she doesn't actually want any responsibility, just to look good. That's my impression from your posts anyway.

I feel really sorry for your son :(

TheQueenOfSheba · 20/06/2012 05:06

I would be livid. How dare she do that to your DS! It's awful. What a huge rejection. You need to come up with a different plan. What is your DS into? Can you take him away for the weekend somewhere he would like with the money you are saving?

Oh, and I am not sure if I would want to speak to SIL again. Not sure if I'm overreacting, mind.

JumpingThroughHoops · 20/06/2012 05:08

SIL made an offer, presumably without consulting with the rest of the family. It could be that the twins have plans with their friends. It could be that she genuinely forgot she had made commitments elsewhere. It could, in the cold light of day, be that she doesn't want the responsibility of someone elses child.

It's very easy to "blame" SIL as she isn't particularly liked by the wider family.

Original poster
Cynner · 20/06/2012 05:38

My sil is a liaison for children with learning disabilities. To her credit, she gave me support and some brilliant resources for my son when we received his diagnosis. I do understand that sometimes things pop up, making visits difficult. I am just feeling very sorry for my son...and such a weird sense of shame.

OP posts:
TheQueenOfSheba · 20/06/2012 05:38

It's very easy to "blame" SIL as she isn't particularly liked by the wider family.

Well, I don't dislike her, because I don't know her. I just think it's a rotten thing to do to a child.

Original poster
Cynner · 20/06/2012 05:44

I am thinking of something we might do..he has other cousins, not as close in age, but still very good together. It would be a huge long car trip, but perhaps he and I might do that together. His gran knows the story, is beside herself, and offered a sum of money to help on another trip.

OP posts:
JumpingThroughHoops · 20/06/2012 05:58

Could it be the cousins may not wish to be "responsible" and have to entertain 24/7 when they have their own friends. Especially someone who is "different" ?

minibmw2010 · 20/06/2012 07:08

I wonder if SIL offered to have him and was all enthusiastic thinking it'd never happen, they'll never afford it and when she realised you could had to backtrack swiftly.

Your DB must be pretty annoyed with her I'd say.

callow · 20/06/2012 07:15

As your son was going to spend time with his 17 year old cousins, perhaps it is them that are not keen on the idea and your SIL doesn't want to spend all her time entertaining him.

OutInAllWeathers · 20/06/2012 07:16

You can't make an offer like that and then withdraw it when a child is involved IMO, whatever commitments you have or haven't forgotten. If the niece and nephew have plans then perhaps a shorter trip instead but to cancel altogether is pretty unforgivable I think.

JumpingThroughHoops · 20/06/2012 07:33

I just read your OP to DH and to my 15yo, asking for their interpretation and what they would deduce happened behind the scenes at BIL and SILs.

Both said "twins gone garrity at having to spend the summer (it did say the summer) babysitting a cousin"

MortaIWombat · 20/06/2012 07:43

I agree with Jumping.
Plus, did I understand correctly - you're narked at sil for telling your mum/her mil that she didn't want company on a weekend holiday? If so, hardly crime of the century. I get extremely annoyed if people get huffy when I reasonably refuse a request. I've never had anyone invite themselves on my holiday before, though, so maybe I would react with joy. Hmm

PomBearWithAnOFRS · 20/06/2012 07:47

Somewhat off the point, but how is it "very rude" to refuse to take money from your mother when your mother was a guest in their home? I'd have thought declining would have been the nice thing to do, if money is not an issue for your brother and his family. Why on earth would they take any from your mother?
I feel sorry for your SiL, she has tried to do a nice thing for your son, and been overruled/prevented, probably by the attitude of her own children. She's probably hurt and embarrased, and even maybe ashamed of her children. Cut her some slack. You only mention "plane ticket and pocket money" so presumably she was even willing to keep your son all summer too. Stop being so mean. If it bothers you that much, call her and ask her what happened. I bet it's not at all what you think.

Trioofprinces · 20/06/2012 07:49

My gut feel too is that the older cousins didn't react too well to their mum arranging for them to have a guest for what sounds like a fair am

Trioofprinces · 20/06/2012 07:51

Blinking iPhone!!

For a fair amount of time. They are 17 and have probably made plans with friends or girlfriends an got pissed off at mum for then changing that.

Awkward situation I agree and awful for your DS but easy I see how it could happen without your SIL being the bitch from hell.

YANBU to be upset all te same.