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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be angry with sil?

63 replies

Cynner · 20/06/2012 03:28

Had a long chat with my brother's wife two days ago. We really do not have that much in common aside from our children. I adore my twin niece and nephew. I spent a great deal of time telling sil how my son looks up to his cousins. My son has Aspergers and only really feels comfortable around close family and friends.
My sil enthusiastically stated we should send my son out to their house for the summer. ( Ds is 15, twins are 17) I told her I would love to, but our finances are very tight at the moment and a plane ticket and pocket money are beyond our reach. We ended the conversation with her asking me to have a think about it and let her know if things changed.
I spoke to my ex husband later that day and he agreed to pay for half of plane fare. I was so thrilled and could not wait to tell my son.
I called my brother that night to see about arrangements. My brother was happy and asked for him to come as soon as possible. Just as we were speaking about travel dates, I heard my sil whisper something in the background. Suddenly, my brother said he had to ring off, and my sil would contact me about arrangements.
I received a text from her this morning telling me this summer is not good for my son to visit, they are very busy, many plans, etc.
I am so hurt and humiliated,and just feel strangely ashamed. I have not yet decided what to tell my son.

OP posts:
tinnedtomatoes · 20/06/2012 07:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PomBearWithAnOFRS · 20/06/2012 07:59

Ahh, I never thought of that tinned
OP - which was it? do tell us please...

SugarBatty · 20/06/2012 08:00

As it was left as "let me know if you change your mind" that's quite a vague thing to say. Maybe she just thought you wouldn't and then made plans as they needed to book things in advance. Maybe she thought she couldn't wait too long for you to get back to her and then was surprised when you came up with the money. Did you tell her you were planning to ask your ex husband for the money?

Or maybbe the twins don't want to spend summer with your son? It could be they like his company in whole family situations but might just want to be with their friends doing what 17 year olds do. She was thoughtless for impulsively inviting him without consulting the rest of the family as this has now upset you and your son. I think its more thoughtless than vindictive.

WipsGlitter · 20/06/2012 08:07

How long was the visit going to be for? The whole summer? That wold be a big ask! I agree with those saying the twins were not keen on it.

squeakytoy · 20/06/2012 08:27

I think it is a bit harsh to be calling the SIL a toixc evil bitch. I would also say Jumping has probably got it spot on with the suggestion that the elder teens were less than impressed with the thought of entertaining a younger cousin for "the summer", and SIL may well have got it in the neck for issuing the invitation.

JoanOfNark · 20/06/2012 08:39

a bit harsh? Try bonkers level (and way over-involved in strangers postings) harsh.

You don't know why this happened. /maybe the daughters refused to hang around with him, maybe they realised they can't afford it, maybe they never thought you would say yes, maybe someone is ill, you don't know. Its not the rudest thing in the world to say to someone, I'm sorry actually that isn't going to work. After all, posters here are always being told that no is a complete sentence and they don't have to do anything etc.

SarkyWench · 20/06/2012 08:45

I agree that the most likely explanation is that the mum was keen but the kids were not.

LadyClariceCannockMonty · 20/06/2012 08:53

Even if it was the twins who vetoed it (and how horrid of them if so), it's still SIL's fault. You don't make big promises like that without making as sure as you can that things aren't going to go wrong, and a long visit from a relative needs to be something that's discussed and cleared with the whole household before the invitation is made.

Your poor son. But the trip to see other cousins instead sounds like it will be a lot of fun, and it was nice of his gran to offer to help out with money.

As for SIL and your brother, I certainly wouldn't initiate any more contact and would be tempted to ignore any contact attempts from them. If they push it, you can always point out to them what a difficult situation they put you in and how they let your son down.

JoanOfNark · 20/06/2012 09:03

Do people actually cut off their family for such things? What is wrong with you?

JoanOfNark · 20/06/2012 09:03

Do people actually cut off their family for such things? What is wrong with you?

squeakytoy · 20/06/2012 09:05

blimey, she issued an invitation without thinking, and people are suggesting she and her husband now be excommunicated!!

If the SIL had posted here saying "oh god, I invited my nephew to stay, my kids have gone mad at me, and my husband is not happy, I feel awful", I guarantee that there would not be people saying "yabu, I hope your SIL never darkens your door again, you evil bitch"...

FairhairedandFrustrated · 20/06/2012 09:07

Your brother is probably embarrassed at what's happened.

I know it's easy to blame sis in law, but she's probably only following orders from her children :(

How would you feel if they had brought him out to their house and ignored him all summer? left him out of things as they begrudged him being there? No, I'd much prefer them to have said no and kept him at home than have to deal with the fallout of being treated shoddily when away.

TheQueenOfSheba · 20/06/2012 09:08

His gran knows the story, is beside herself, and offered a sum of money to help on another trip.

Then take her up on it and go somewhere nice with your DS. Bollocks to the SIL.

JoanOfNark · 20/06/2012 09:14

its a radical idea, but you could just talk to them?

catsrus · 20/06/2012 09:14

I'm 99% suRe it's the 17yr olds - I've been on the other side, begging my 17 yr old to let a visiting 15yr old cousin hang out with them and their mates :(

They are quite disdainful of 'kids' 2 yrs younger.

It was my 20yr old and their friends who rescued the situation in my case! I learned my lesson, it was painful.

Paiviaso · 20/06/2012 09:15

My first thought was that your SIL told her 17 year olds, who were not too excited about having to drag their 15 year old cousin (who is not very social) around for the summer.

Teenagers are a bit selfish, and I would expect at 17 they want to go out with their friends everyday.

Perhaps your SIL didn't think to ask the 17 year olds before she invited your son. And since the 17 year olds would be responsible for entertaining him, if they weren't up to it, it would be unfair to invite your son in the end.

I think you should clear things up with SIL.

WineOhWhy · 20/06/2012 09:21

The whole summer is a long time. Is there a compromise here, i.e. he goes for a couple of weeks? Even a week would be plenty depending on how far away they live.

anniewoo · 20/06/2012 09:31

17 year olds have their own lives to lead in the long summer holidays and they possibly didn't want their cousin ( who they still love) tagging along for the summer . Perhaps this was the scenario and a major row had ensued. I know my dc would not like to have a cousin for the whole summer. Their own friends beckon!!! Perhaps sil had only informed them after she had invited your ds?

HeathRobinson · 20/06/2012 09:44

I agree with others that it's probably the cousins who have vetoed this visit for the whole summer. Maybe a shorter visit might have worked?

I think your sil sounds nice, actually, helping when ds was diagnosed etc. Maybe she just gets a bad press from your family?

You said - 'Once, when my mum was visiting, my sil decided to go the beach for the weekend...my mum said she would be happy to club in for her share in the house. My sil said no!'

How long was your mum visiting? Maybe your sil thought it was good to put some space between them for 2 days?

Birdsgottafly · 20/06/2012 09:50

"Even if it was the twins who vetoed it (and how horrid of them if so),"

Why is it 'horrid'. Many threads are started on MN because posters won't give up even one day (Christmas) to put up with relatives.

If the DS doesn't like mixing, this could mean that the 17 year olds have to totally replan their summer and cut themselves off from friends. They probably don't want him reporting back what they are getting up to.

OP is there no chance that you could visit as well, considering that you 'adore your neice and nephew', who you are about to cut off Confused.

mumeeee · 20/06/2012 10:53

I agree with other posters that it was probably the 17 year olds that said they had plans and couldn't entertain thier coisin for the whole summer.

Thumbwitch · 20/06/2012 11:06

Yep, I also thought immediately that it's the 17yos who are behind the withdrawal of the invitation - they've been told that their cousin is coming over, younger, hero-worshipping and with a few issues - and they've gone all "Oh no way, he'll just cramp our style and our holiday" or similar.

So I wouldn't go blaming your SIL indiscriminately at the moment - but I would contact your brother again and just check, if you can do it without upsetting anyone.

DeWe · 20/06/2012 12:11

I'd have thought the whole summer was way too much to expect. I think you could ask if he could come for a week.

The age gap at 15 to 17 is quite a lot, and I expect the 17yos had plans with their friends. If your ds is not going to be comfortable if they have friends round it is going to make life awkward for them.

And if I had my mil staying then a weekend away on my own would be very welcome!

claudedebussy · 20/06/2012 12:17

i would not be mad at sil.

i do think her kids probably put their foot down as they'd be the ones spending the most time with your ds. sorry.

why not for a week instead? the whole summer is a bit much.

cory · 20/06/2012 12:19

I could easily have been in a similar position this summer; plans previously discussed with SIL now impossible because of a crisis in my family which I cannot discuss with her for confidential reasons.

(fortunately, SIL had already changed her plans)

Where your SIL went wrong is in not coming up with a good excuse that would spare everybody's feelings.