To be angry with sil?

[Cynner]

Had a long chat with my brother's wife two days ago. We really do not have that much in common aside from our children. I adore my twin niece and nephew. I spent a great deal of time telling sil how my son looks up to his cousins. My son has Aspergers and only really feels comfortable around close family and friends.
My sil enthusiastically stated we should send my son out to their house for the summer. ( Ds is 15, twins are 17) I told her I would love to, but our finances are very tight at the moment and a plane ticket and pocket money are beyond our reach. We ended the conversation with her asking me to have a think about it and let her know if things changed.
I spoke to my ex husband later that day and he agreed to pay for half of plane fare. I was so thrilled and could not wait to tell my son.
I called my brother that night to see about arrangements. My brother was happy and asked for him to come as soon as possible. Just as we were speaking about travel dates, I heard my sil whisper something in the background. Suddenly, my brother said he had to ring off, and my sil would contact me about arrangements.
I received a text from her this morning telling me this summer is not good for my son to visit, they are very busy, many plans, etc.
I am so hurt and humiliated,and just feel strangely ashamed. I have not yet decided what to tell my son.

it could also be that she was inviting him, thinking that you wouldn't accept. She could then be the lovely person who was issuing a nice invitation, which you sadly had to decline.

i've had it happen to me. (my children have autism) ooh, let's do such and such, X would be lovely, why don't i do Y - if you act like you're actually going to take them up on it they look like they're going to shit themselves.

I also think the twins probably didn't relish the summer with a younger cousin tagging along. There is a huge difference between 17 and 15. At 17, they will be blagging their way into bars/clubs and trying to impress girls. They don't want to be taking care of a younger boy.

My Goddaughter threw out an invitation to us to go and stay with her this summer. I am on the verge of emailing her to ask which dates would be suitable - this thread has made me wonder..............

Is it possible that SIL issued the invite without asking her DC first, and then her DC said they didn't want your DS to come visit? Just thinking that many 17yos would not be tolerant of having younger odd cousin hanging about; I'm not saying that's reasonable. But it may not be fair to villify SIL if she didn't ask her own DC first, and then she found herself stuck in the middle: careless of her, but many of us have made that kind of mistake.

TBH, I would ask my brother why it had all changed. She might as well know how upset you all are about it and your brother may be able to smooth things over. I don't mean ask in an angry way, just let him know that it has upset you and your son especially.

Depends how well you get on with your brother though.

I would never cut my twin niece and nephew off for any reason, including not wishing to spend summer holidays with my ds. Matter of fact, I have no plans to cut off anyone. I just have no plans at this time to reach out to my brother or sil, until I am less upset.
To clear things up a bit, I had no intention of sending ds for entire summer. I would think that would be far too overwhelming for him, and intrusive on any rellies! When I called my brother to arrange details, I put forth sending ds for one week. My brother said " Rubbish, he should come for at least two weeks"
This is part of my confusion and hurt. My brother was so full of plans for ds.
Just to further clear some bits up..my mum was visiting my brother and family for two weeks. My brother had cleared his schedule in advance of her visit. When my sil decided to go to beach house, my mum offered to pay for half. My sil turned her down. My mum spent 3 days of her visit by herself. Mum is resourceful and able to entertain herself. She was just hurt by sudden departure of brother and family.

I must apologise for not explicitly stating, that though invite was for full summer, ds would not have been sent for more than 10 days.

Well it sounds like your brother and SIL are as bad as each other - why on earth did he agree to leave your Mum for 3 days?

I would just leave it now and try to do something else lovely with him.

I only wish I knew! They have been married for 25 years. I reckon every marriage is different, but my dh would be in for a row should he ever think about taking off in the midst of a family visit.

that is extremely hurtful.

they've done a volte face with no reasons given. i don't think there's anything you can say really. chalk it down to experience.

and i think how they've treated your mum is disgusting. i would never do that to any family member, in-laws or otherwise!

OK, it's understandable that the 17-year-olds wouldn't want to spend their summer with their younger cousin.

But ultimately SIL made a bad mistake in extending the invite to you as a done deal if she hadn't run it past the family first. On the other hand, I don't think it's particularly nice if her kids 'put their foot down'; who do they think they are?

I imagine it's the 17 yo's pulling some 'but it's our last summer' stunt (before gap years and uni etc break up their school group) and moaning so much that she's withdrawn the invite.

I think either your SIL forgot - or didn't get a chance to tell your bro about something which had come up (in which case why didn't he just say so when you two next spoke?); or she changed her mind and strong armed your brother. Is he hen pecked?