Were you a bully/bullied at school and how do you feel about it now??

[BackToB4Beatrice]

So..... When I was at school (left 9 years ago) I was pretty badly bullied by this boy. God knows why, bit he was a right evil bastard (obviously that's what I felt at the time- obviously he was just a kid/teenager at the time, and could of had things going on in his own life), but I remember feeling sick at the though of having to have lessons with him, and actually sometimes skipped lessons and sat in the toilets .

Long story short, he is now living with another girl who was at our school. She would def remember his behaviour towards me. They have now had a baby, my cousin is very good friends with this girls sister, and I have seen this girl sporadically since finishing school (very small town), friends on Facebook, occasional message/photo comment etc

Now, under normal circumstances, I would prossibly visit the couple and their new baby (lots of mutual friends, probably wouldn't be an indervidual visit), and take a small gift.
But, I just cannot bear the thought of crossing paths with this boy/man, sitting in his house, cooing over his baby etc knowing all these dreadful things he said to me (was verbal bullying only), and the things he said to embarrass me.

I will probably, just meet up with the mother down the line, accompanied by mutual friends, when she's up and about. So that's not really the AIBU.

More AIBU and immature about this? I really want him to feel terrible about what he did/said. Is that wrong?

Oh, I don't know, just fancied some cried on the matter I guess!

YANBU. Hopefully he has matured and isn't the bully he was back then but you don't owe either of them anything. Save your kind gestures for people who deserve it.

I was bullied by a couple of boys when I was 10 and a Director (female) at work in my early twenties. I don't harbour any grudges, they obviously felt that I was a threat to them in some way. If someone was to bully my children that is a completely different matter entirely, I really would have to rein in my emotions, It would take a lot of effort to remain objective.

I was bullied at school too, by a girl who had been m best friend.
Was the start of a really difficult time in my life. One day in town last year I walked past the girl in question, I don't think she recognised me. It brought back all the bad memories for me but I have to say I enjoyed the fact that she looked a mess, had put on loads of weight etc. Then I started to feel better!

Try not to let this man bother you now. It doesn't sound from what you wrote that you are very close with this girl so do you really have to go see her (and him)? Can you not send congrats on facebook etc?

I was severely bullied at secondary school. However my anger is the total utter lack of pastural care that the teacher provided rather than the bullies themselves. I have no desire to speak to them, but I am sure that they are different from the 15 year old brats they were 20 years ago.

I think secondary schools are kinder places than 20 years ago. Victims are helped to make themselves less vunerable for bullies. There is more to do at lunch times so bullies do not get bored.

How do you feel when bullies send you messages on face book asking you to be their "friend"

Dont see him and if anyone ever asks or notices tell them why. You've nothing to be ashamed of and being tormented whatever your age is not something that's easily forgotten, especially at such a defining age!
I wasn't bullied per se but a girl who was my 'best friend' made my life pretty hellish from age 8-17. I've seen her a couple of times since and my heart dropped, I felt sick. I'd love to go into her work (her daddy's petrol station) and flash my wedding ring whilst paying and generally feel smug, prettier and better than her but I'd hate to see her face and really don't give a shiny shit about her, she never crosses my mind.
But if she was connected to people I was friends with, they would all know exactly why there would be no drinks, meet ups or 'letting it go'. Nuh uh. I remember the lonliness, shame and dread she inflicted on my childhood and so should she.

Well ReallyTired, he hasn't. His girlfriend has, and she was never a problem, and actually very nice. Although like I said, she would of known what he was like.

I wanted to do something for her and her baby because she dropped round a lovely little hamper of baby essentials when DD was born.
Also, and this is ridiculous (!), part of me wants to do something nice for his girlfriend and baby, in order to make him feel terrible for being so horrible, when actually I'm a nice person. Told you it was ridiculous!! Almost make him feel so GUILTY, and ashamed, and that I'm the bigger, better person??

Over thinking this, much??

I was bullied mercilessly as a child at school. Now I am married , three DC, have a degree but always feel deep down that I don't deserve anything good and am inherently a fuck up.

I was bullied all the way through secondary school for wearing glasses and being 'swotty'

It's partly the reason why I can't abide people now and feel hostile and suspicious towards them.

People who bully are scum.

YADNBU to want to avoid this bloke Protect your own feelings and avoid the mother if necessary. You don't owe these people anything.

Some of the people I was most bullied by were my "friends" a bit like Margaret atwood's Cat's eye so i have mixed feelings on bullying. One girl who had bullied me later became a good friend of mine, although if "better" people were around I'd be ignored. she moved away and contacted me on facebook and talked about what great "friends" we'd been. It was weird because whilst we had been friends she had also made me very miserable. Another girl I'd been "best friends" with became close to another girl and they both picked on me whilst still wanting me to hang out with them. I got the strength to break away and find new friends but they weren't happy with this for a while afterwards and would pick on me, my mum didn't help by going on about what a shame it was i didn't play with x over the road any more and why didn't I invite her to my party?
I would never make a child invite anyone to their party they didn't want to (she wasn't the only one excluded, I was 13 at this point), and do think girl's friendships are much more warped than those of boys.
The straightforward bullies I just ignored and don't think about. It's the friend bullies who stay with you.

Ah well if she is kind and did something nice for you, can you not just send a gift and a card to her, saying sorry you can't visit right now as so busy etc?

2Rebecca, I totally agree!

I have come to realise in recent years that my so-called 'best' friend actually spent our secondary school years effectively bullying me, by manipulating me, turning others' against me and totally controlling me. I was quite weak then and was very much a people pleaser so I went along with it. We are still in contact but I have pulled away from her and I think it confuses her now that I'm assertive to her and she cannot control me.

I wouldn't have anything to do with him if it has affected you so badly and it has he was 9 also so just a kid himself
I don't think i would want him to feel bad about it but stay away from him he may still be an arsehole,
I had the guy who bullied me at high school so a little older wanting to add me on facebook and i didnt think it had affected me so much but when i saw his request that horrible sick feeling came back,

oh so sorry misread you about the 9yrs you were at highschool sorry

I was bullied for 3 years by a group of girls. It was horrible.I went down all oficial channels, but it made it worse!
It only stopped when a boy they fancied stuck up for me, and told them to grow the fuck up!
(My boyfriend (now DH, who is 4 years older) was a mate of his, and when DH mentioned I was being hassled he stepped in - lovely bloke )

I saw one of the girls a few years later, and she appologised for how she treated me at school. She said she thought it made her look good, but realised after she left school that it was stupid, and achieved nothing by doing it.

Why do you feel the need to see the baby? Can't you just send a card?

There is no need to have anything further to do with this man. If you meet her and the baby be polite, coo over the baby but that is it. If he is with them then ignore them. He won't have forgotten his behaviour and will understand why you are doing this. Maybe fatherhood will make him reflect on his bullying past.

I was both bullied AND a bully. I don't think this is entirely uncommon. I went to an all-girls' school and had a friendship group of about 10 girls throughout. Looking back, I can't remember a week where somebody wasn't 'out of favour' and taking their turn almost to be the one who was scoffed at, picked at, taunted and generally left out of things. Some weeks it was me, and it was terrible; yet other weeks I'd participate in behaving towards somebody else in the same way.

I obviously still remember this 15 years on and don't doubt that the other girls do, too. Maybe it's because I left secondary school to go to a different sixth form, and then left my hometown right after that for university and haven't been back since, but it certainly feels like behaviour that's been grown out of. I don't think I'm a terrible person, and I don't think any of those other girls I was friends with then are either.

I'd imagine plenty of MNers reading this either lurking or posting can recognise situations like the above and were bullies or complicit with a bully themselves, though may not want to admit it.

Regardless. You don't have to visit and make small-talk. If you'd like to do something nice for the girl, send a card and a gift. If you still have such strong feelings of dread about somebody after 9 years then it's probably better that you don't spend time in his company: it wouldn't be healthy for you and whilst some bullies do eventually feel guilty about and apologise to those they bullies at school, many don't. I'm sure he'll remember bullying you, though he may also see it as something which happened at school and may not comprehend that it could still affect you. I think that's also fairly common with school bullies - they don't necessarily realise that it follows those they bullies beyond schooldays.

I was bullied at school. And I've met some of the bullies, and people who sided with them since leaving school, and they were all perfectly friendly and polite, like nothing ever happened. Then I realised it was nothing personal. It's weird, I know, but they probably didn't do it because they hated me - they did it because it made them feel better and it gave them power.. It sure did feel personal enough to me, but for them it probably didn't matter wheather it was me or somebody else, because they were just looking for a victim.

I was bullied in school and in dance class. I would like to think I would be ok if I saw the girl from dance class but I really dont think I would. Thankfully I live on the other side of the country now.

The girl who bullied me in school sent me a nice message on facebook apologising and she said she felt really bad about what she did etc and that it had played on her mind for years. We are not friends on facebook or anything but I did send a message back saying I apprieated the apology and that it was ok.

When I see my bullies it takes me right back emotionally to where I was at the time and upsets me. I have no idea if she/they even recognise me.

Went to a cafe with my mum once, and one of my former bullies was working there, I was 18 at the time and just had to leave, I felt physically frightened despite the fact we'd allegedley "grown up" by that point.

I would avoid them where possible.

vess I think that makes it worse. The fact that they happily ruined someone's life without giving a shit who you are, or even thinking of you as a person.

I don't think it ever goes away cockwomble I left school 20 odd years ago and I am a grown sensible woman but when I saw that friend request took me right back to be 14 again,

If you want to do something for the mother and the baby then perhaps you could visit when you know her DH was out of the house. Perhaps he is going back to work after 2 weeks and you could go in the day time? Don't give the gift to make him feel bad though but actually I think that it is ok to be the better person and rise above it as it were. If I met my bullies now I wouldn't even mention it, I wouldn't give them too much time of day though, but I would be civil obviously.

Above might be a bit easier for me to say because although I was very badly bullied at school it was over 20 years ago. 10 years after the bullying it was still effecting me though, I had counselling at that point (not just for the bullying). Something came up about what I had been like at school, the counsellor asked if I had changed since then...I was like 'Hell yes, I'm a completely different person'...her response was 'well, so might they (the bullies) be'.

Somehow I have managed to get over it, I just couldn't spend any more time ranting, hating and meeting strangers with the assumption that they would automatically hate me. In all honesty it does still have an impact on me, I am still very conscious about what I look like...and obviously I hate bullying and people who just turn away when their friends are bullied.

Some of this has had a positive impact though, when I was working as a manager I moved to an office that had a very nasty set of woman working there, HR categorically confirmed that what they were doing was bullying...they would not change how they behaved and so consequently did not work for the company for much longer. I'm not sure that I would have had the balls to take the same stance had I not know how utterly crap it feels to be relentlessly bullied on a daily basis!

I understand exactly how you feel.

If you want to give a gift, send it via post, or with one of the friends that would be going. There is no need to go in person, if this will be too upsetting.

There has been nothing to stop him apologising to you for his behaviour since he left school.

I do get the "moral high ground" bit, as well. My brother has never so much as mentioned the fact of my children's existence. I always send his children Christmas presents, as I do for my other nieces and nephews. Maybe I am a small minded bitch, but I get a bit of a glow out of it, feeling like I am "rising above it."

Like some of the others on this thread, I was bullied within my circle of "friends" at secondary school. One week I was deemed acceptable, the next I was excluded from chat, only to be back in favour again a few days later. My response was to become a bully too, making snide comments about some of the others and trying to be best friends with the queen bee. It was all very 'Mean Girls' (I love that film and think all teenage girls should have to see it).

As an adult, I am ashamed that I stooped to the bullies' level. But I genuinely believe that most people who bully at school do not go on to become horrible people; the vast majority mature effectively and realise that their actions were wrong.